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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Whitechapel Funerals Proudly Bring You, The Undignitarse Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
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We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just wants to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic “Cock Flasher” and the ever-popular “Minge Mate”

Whitechapel Funerals Ltd

22 Shit Street

Spitalfields

Honey Boo Boo Repaired My Car Claims Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson

Exclusive - Alana Thompson Competes in "The Sparkle & Shine Pageant"

In a surprise announcement, motoring guru and host of BBC’s Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that, Honey Boo Boo, the 6-year-old star of smash hit, US TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, came to his assistance after the vintage Mini Cooper he was test-driving broke down two miles from his Hampshire home.

Clarkson told our motoring correspondent: “The car was behaving perfectly, until, all of a sudden, the engine began misfiring before eventually cutting out.

“I had a look under the bonnet, but as everybody knows, I’m hopeless mechanically and can barely work out how to empty the ashtrays, so I was a bit flummoxed to say the least.

“As I stood there staring forlornly into the engine bay I heard a small voice pipe up from behind me “Hey mister, y’all havin’ a problem there?”

“To my surprise, I saw it was none other than Honey Boo Boo out of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“I explained what the problem was, and without further ado, she opened a little pink toolbag she was carrying, took out a sequinned flat-blade screwdriver along with a diamante studded feeler gauge and began to tinker under the bonnet.

“After no more than 10 minutes she said: “Ok mister, that outta do it. Y’all can turn over the engine now”

“To my delight, the engine fired up immediately and began idling beautifully at around 850-900 rpm.

“Honey Boo Boo then explained that she’d adjusted the dwell angle of the contact breaker points and increased the electrode gap from 12/1000th of an inch to a far more suitable 16/1000th to eliminate a pre-ignition problem.

“Naturally, I offered to recompense the diminutive redneck youngster for her kindness, but she flatly refused to take a penny from me, saying: “Mama June done tole me not to tek no money from strangers.

“She done tole me that there’s some mighty strange sonsobitches out there and that if ah see me one, ah have to git while the gittin’s good and tell the deputy”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night “We’re absolutely delighted that Honey Boo Boo came to Jeremy’s aid, although to be honest, it’s no more than we’d have expected from the inbred little madam.”

Clarkson’s revelation mirrors an incident in 1963 when TV cooking guru, Fanny Craddock had a slipping differential repaired at the roadside by Jed Clampett out of The Beverly Hillbillies.

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney mr men - Copy

EDITOR’S NOTE: No Cockneys were harmed during the compilation of this funny and totally non-politically correct item. In fact, some of our best friends are Cockneys, including ourselves. Although, having said that, we do have a person from Yorkshire on the staff, but we don’t like to talk about her in polite company. In fact, we only keep her on because she’s really pretty, good at graphics, and makes us laugh when she speaks in a silly accent and talks about ‘washing t’ pots’.

CORONAVIRUS LATEST: Supermarket imposes strict limits on car bodywork scratching in all its car parks

Tesco

Supermarket giants, Tesco, yesterday announced that they will be restricting all customers to just one episode of scratching the bodywork of the car parked next to them in the car park until further notice.

A spokesperson for the company told newsmen: “There has been a recent marked upturn in the incidents of scratching or denting of car bodywork being reported by our customers.

“We believe this to be directly linked to people carelessly throwing their doors open before rushing inside to hoard toilet rolls, hand gel and other items during the current health crisis.

“We are therefore imposing a strict, one-scratch policy, so any customers who wish to further damage the bodywork of a vehicle parked next to theirs will have to do so away from our premises in their own time.

“We will be monitoring the situation carefully over the coming weeks with a view to allowing some light, superficial secondary damage to paintwork that can be polished out with T-Cut or covered up with one of those Holts colour match crayons if the situation eases.”

This move comes just days after rival retail giants, Waitrose and Sainsbury, rationed their customers to just one incident of slewing their trolleys across the aisle while frantically emptying shelves so that no other bastard could get past.

Elon Musk develops ‘Zap-A-Butt’ device to electrocute people who spend too long on the toilet

old_toilet_by_sebasoul

Entrepreneurial inventor, Elon Musk, has developed a device that can be clipped to the underside of a toilet seat that will deliver a powerful but non-fatal electric shock to people who spend unnecessary time on the toilet

The Zap-A-Butt can be triggered automatically when somebody sits on the toilet seat or can be operated manually by a person waiting outside who considers that the occupant has spent far too long hogging the smallest room.

The device will deliver an initial jolt of 40 volts but this will be increased to a short series of 100-volt hits if the recipient fails to respond to the initial advisory shock.

The device carries a warning that men who habitually take a newspaper into the toilet run the risk of having it bursting into flames as the current surges through their body.

Did Meghan tamper with ignition system on Queen’s Land Rover asks Daily Mail.

landrover

The royal rumour mill was abuzz with conjecture last night after a gamekeeper on The Queen’s Sandringham estate revealed that Her Majesty had told him that her favourite Land Rover Defender was ‘running a bit lumpy’ following an early morning drive around the estate last week.

The Daily Mail newspaper is examining the theory that The Duchess of Sussex may have tampered with the ignition system on the vehicle in a malicious act designed to get her own back on The Queen for complaining to the press that she and Prince Harry are stepping back from their royal duties.

The Mail’s motoring correspondent lashed out furiously at The Duchess in his morning column: “It’s a nailed-on certainty that Meghan has done this to cause Her Majesty upset” he writes

“I’m convinced that she removed the distributor cap, re-gapped the points and altered the dwell angle.

“She almost certainly also loosened one or two HT leads on the sparkplugs just for good measure.

“The woman’s disrespect for our Monarchy seems to know no bounds to be honest.

“I’m not saying it’s because she’s black but it certainly can’t help, can it?”

In other news, the Daily Telegraph has accused Meghan of giving Prince George fleas after holding the royal youngster’s hand during a stroll in Green Park a year ago.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This article contains no inference that the British right-wing media are being racist in the way they single out the Duchess for criticism. In our view, they treat all people of colour with equal disdain

Local man visibly slavers during machine gun fantasy about noisy supermarket family

tommy gun

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man found himself salivating during a trip to his local Lidl supermarket as he fantasised about scything down a noisy family in the shop with an old fashioned Tommy Gun.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, had to wipe flecks of drool from his chin as he mentally pumped the family of four with bullets during a sustained burst of gunfire.

Speaking to The Whelk, Mr Dell said: “This family had been annoying me from the moment I entered the shop

“The mother had a voice like a foghorn, the father wasn’t much better and the kids were screaming and shouting and running amok in the aisles.

“I just couldn’t seem to shake them off. Every aisle I visited they were there.

These people are the scum of the earth and deserve to die like the lowlife feral garbage that they truly are.

“When I got to the checkout there they were in front of me. The woman was arguing with the girl on the till and the husband was bawling at the screaming kids.

“It was then that I mentally sprayed them with a burst from a Tommy Gun, similar to the ones used by American mobsters in the old gangster flicks.

“I really gave it to them. I swung my weapon from side to side, hosing them down like dogs before standing over their twitching bodies, kicking each one in the head to make sure they were dead.

“I relished the fantasy so much I had to pull out a tissue to mop up the drool from my chin.

“I don’t think this makes me a bad person. Everybody has a breaking point for God’s sake.”

Last September, a man from neighbouring Stepney, told a local newspaper that he’d experienced a sensation almost on a par with a sexual climax as he fantasised about hacking at a woman with an ice pick after she’d parked too close to his car in a Waitrose car park.

 Scarlett Johansson repaired my ignition system then demanded saucy romp says local man

 

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that Hollywood starlet, Scarlett Johansson, repaired his car at the roadside and then demanded sex as payment.

Toby Dell, a window fitter from Vallance Road, told us: “I was driving along the Mile End Road when my motor started to play up.

“I pulled over to the side of the road and raised the bonnet to have a look.

“It was then that another vehicle pulled up behind mine and Scarlett Johansson got out.

“She had a quick look under the bonnet and started removing the distributor cap.

“She then removed the contact breaker points and cleaned up the contacts with her nail file before re-gapping them with a feeler gauge.

“She clipped the cap back on and told me to spin over the engine. To my delight, it fired straight away

“I offered to give her a few quid for her trouble but she told me she wanted sex instead.

“I didn’t want to be rude so I gave her a scuttling on the back seat of my motor.

“She was a pretty selfish lover, to be honest, and it barely lasted a minute but I was just grateful to have my chariot sorted so I didn’t say anything”

A spokesman for the Automobile Association said last night: “Mr Dell should have waited for one of our repairmen to come out.

“He would probably have done it for a quick hand shandy in the back of his van.”

The Arts & Entertainment

Retro red television

More wholly inappropriate TV listings after these messages…

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