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Not suitable for people who think Brexit will be the gateway to a land of sunny uplands and pink unicorns or the mentally sub-normal. Which amounts to pretty much the same thing really.

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I fantasise about fat middle-aged men in string vests says, Mrs Tom Hardy

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A badly out-of-shape Hardy pictured looking as rough as a badger’s arse last night

The wife of hunky actor, Tom Hardy, has told a magazine that she routinely thinks about overweight middle-aged men in grimy underwear during lovemaking bouts with her sex symbol husband.

Mrs Charlotte Hardy, 35, told OK magazine: “The only reason I stay with Tom is for the money. If he was skint, I’d leave him like a shot”

“I know millions of women envy me and think that he’s a real babe, but to me, he looks like shit on a stick.

“To be honest, when Tom gets fruity in bed and hops on board, I switch the bedside lamp off so that I don’t have to look at his sweaty dial and then imagine I’m being ravished by a 56-year-old furniture porter from Shoreditch, wearing a greasy string vest and really baggy Y-Front Jockey underpants.

“To spice up our love life a bit, I even ordered a string vest and pants set from my catalogue and asked Tom to wear them during a scuttling, but he’s not having it”

Mrs Hardy’s confession comes just a month after the wife of Hollywood dreamboat, George Clooney, told Hello magazine that she puts a bag over his head before sex and imagines that she’s getting the good news from one of the vagrants who live under the Hammersmith flyover.

Post-Brexit Bond Films to Be Much Longer Due to 007 Passport Control Delays

Goldfinger

The makers of the iconic James Bond movies have announced that they will be at least two hours longer in duration due to anticipated delays at passport control whenever the crack secret agent is assigned a mission at an exotic European locale.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures told newsmen: “Due to Britain’s forthcoming self-imposed isolation from the European Union, we now estimate that the movies will be a lot longer than was previously the case.

“We’ve had to factor in Bond being held up at customs by surly and resentful immigration staff, who, no doubt, will really take their time processing his documents.

“There’s also a pretty good chance that more time will be wasted when they take him behind a curtain and shove their fingers up his arse”

Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, hit back at the notion last night: “Yes the films may be a bit longer, but at least we’ll have blue passports again. Even if they are being made in France.

“Universal need to believe a bit more and stop talking the country down. Especially as it’s not their country.”

The next Bond blockbuster, Dr Non, is due out in January and features EU Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, as the crazed assassin, Oddjob.

Yasser Arafat rubbed salt into my flanks and then made me feel like a woman says Oprah Winfrey

 

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It was all go with the PLO. Oprah pictured in ebullient mood last night

 

Award-winning actress and TV personality, Oprah Winfrey, has told a Whelk reporter that she enjoyed a saucy romp with the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, in a bed and breakfast hotel in Limehouse, East London in 1985.

The 97-year-old chat show queen revealed that she met Arafat when she was holidaying in London after filming, The Colour Purple and he was taking a break from top-level summit talks with the Egyptians.

She went on to reveal, that prior to their lovemaking, the 85-year-old PLO leader rubbed rock salt into her flanks, telling her that it would make her “go like the absolute clappers”

“He was very insistent about the salt thing and I wasn’t going to argue. After all, the PLO was considered a terrorist organisation back then and I was scared that he might shoot me or bomb my car if I refused.

“In any case, Yasser was a very attractive man and I wanted to make him mine if I could. To be honest, I couldn’t wait for the off.

“After rubbing in the salt, he laid back naked and told me to “hop on board”

“Then, he just lay there motionless for well over an hour while I pleasured myself. His staying power was sensational.

“Finally, and completely out of the blue, his body tensed up and he began shouting, “salty, salty” over and over before pushing me off onto the floor.

“It was a magical night and one I shall never forget. It even changed my political stance and I found myself having a real down on the Israelis after that”

Ms Winfrey then grew tearful and ended the interview after revealing that Arafat had helped dry the dishes later that evening using his chequered scarf, or ‘shemagh’ for the purpose.

‘Sex Addict’ Weinstein To Be Weaned Off Starlets by Gradual Exposure to Less Attractive Women

 

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Don’t come up and see me sometime. A slightly unattractive woman pictured last night

 

Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, has now entered an exclusive clinic where his so-called sex addiction will be addressed by exposing him to a steady stream of females, each one slightly less attractive than the last, in the hope that, by the time he gets to the real tugboats, his predilection for molesting women will have dissipated.

A spokesman for the $2000 dollar-a-night clinic in Beverly Hills told us: “Mr Weinstein will be visited by a number of women on a nightly basis, starting with a few real crackers.

“Then, over the next few nights, the quality will go rapidly downhill, until after a fortnight, he’ll be served up some real hounds that, quite frankly, you wouldn’t even fancy touching with someone else’s.

“It’s a bit like weaning an addict off heroin by giving him methadone I guess

“It’s a tried and trusted method that we have used on a number of big name sex-offenders in the past with outstanding results”

It is understood that all the encounters will be closely monitored by staff in case Weinstein fails to keep himself in check and attempts to manhandle any of the women involved, even the really ropey ones.

Clinic bosses have also instructed staff that under no circumstances is Weinstein to be allowed access to a bathrobe.

This piece is not aimed at detracting from the extremely serious nature of the allegations made against the clearly odious creature that is Weinstein. The Whelk stands full-square alongside the victims of this scumbag and fervently hopes that he’ll soon be cooling his heels in a far less salubrious establishment than the one depicted above – Ed.

‘Broken man’ Harvey Weinstein to run for president

 

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Predator-in-Chief? Disgraced sex case, Harvey Weinstein pictured in need of a shave and a prison term last night

 

Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein has told friends that he intends to run for the presidency against Donald Trump in 2020, in what is already being dubbed, The Battle of The Pussy Grabbers.

A close friend of Weinstein told The Whelk last night: “Since all these actresses started coming out of the woodwork accusing him of sexual misconduct, Harvey’s been pretty much a broken man.

“He realises his movie-making days are over and that a tilt at the presidency may be the only career path open to him at this time.

“As a lifelong Democrat, he has contacted Hillary Clinton for advice, but she’s not picking up her cell. Bill, on the other hand, has been very supportive and has offered to give Harvey a few pointers on running a successful campaign and picking the right kind of intern once elected.”

A White House press officer laughed off the proposed challenge last night: “A self-confessed sex offender running for the highest office in the land? Get out of here. You’re kidding me, right?”

20th Century Whelk Proudly Present…!

Hitler-Salute-1935

Das Pie Und Mash: A heartbreaking motion picture which chronicles the struggles of a simple Austrian house painter as he seeks world domination and a decent plate of East London scoff.

Starring: Danny “The Liebling of Limehouse” SoZ as Adolf Twitler

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Obergruppenführer Artful Dodger as “Pineapple” Fritz, his faithful aide de camp

Filmed in Jellied Eel Vision on location at The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel Road, London E1

All rights up for reasonable offers

©Whelk Film Workshop

http://www.captiongenerator.com/713452/Der-Pie-Und-Mash-Skit

Not suitable for Under 18s, Over 18s, and people from South London

Hugh Grant lives on my allotment, claims Jeremy Corbyn

 

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Grant pictured yesterday afternoon selling stolen fruit and veg in Camden Market

 

Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that celebrated actor, Hugh Grant, is living in a small shed on his allotment in Islington, North London, where the Love Actually star exists by foraging for vegetables on neighbouring plots and selling them from a barrow in a nearby market.

Speaking to us from his North London home last night, Corbyn told us: “Hugh Grant has fallen on hard times of late, the offers have dried up and I felt a bit sorry for him, so I let him live on my allotment for a nominal fee.

“In exchange, he does a bit of weeding and oils the lawnmower, that sort of thing. I was unaware that he’s been stealing from other plots but I’m ok with that in all honesty.

“The socialist doctrine teaches us that all property is theft, so if he’s making a few bob selling other people’s fruit and veg down the market then it’s all good as far as I’m concerned. I might insist on a cut though. It won’t be much mind you. I just want to wet my beak”

Grant’s old friend and co-star in the smash hit Bridget Jones movies, Colin Firth, expressed surprise at his actor buddy’s plight last night: “I’m sorry to hear that Hugh’s struggling, but I have a half plot on that allotment and if I find he’s been nicking my veg I’ll boot him up the arse like I did in that really gay dust-up we had in Bridget Jones’ Diary”

Jeremy Corbyn received a nominal sum for speaking to us, which he has assured us, may, or may not, be donated to a good cause of his choice at some vague, unspecified point in the future.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Movies With Pretty Judgemental Titles

 

THIS WEEK: The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward, Robert Ford

 

 

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Jesse pictured in happier times before he was shot in the back by a total scumbag.

 

NEXT WEEK: The Killing Of Abe Lincoln By The Fat-Arsed, Ugly Bastard, John Wilkes Booth

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