Local man tasered following Sausage Party jibe at cop


A 30-year-old Whitechapel man was recovering in hospital last night following an incident in which a police officer deployed his taser after the man had taunted him over the popular animated movie, Sausage Party

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, allegedly shouted to the officer who was on duty near Aldgate East station, that he was going home to watch Sausage Party while the officer would have to remain on patrol.

A bystander told a Whelk reporter: “I heard a heated exchange between this man and a police officer

“The man was yelling that he was going to watch Sausage Party and that the officer wasn’t.

“He was right in this cop’s face, so when he drew his taser and shot him, I wasn’t surprised and even gave him a thumbs-up while this idiot was twitching on the deck”.

A spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said last night: “In the current emergency we urge members of the public to act with common sense and respect, particularly where Sausage Party is concerned.

“If you are going to watch it at some point, please close your doors and windows so that others won’t realise that you’re enjoying the sausage based antics in the finest motion picture ever made”

In other related news, the actors playing the main sausage and the hot dog bun are going to visit the Royal London Hospital later today where they will meet with frontline staff to offer support and good wishes.



A gathering number of health experts and academics now believe that only by watching the movie, Sausage Party, can mankind be delivered from a global disaster and a possible Armageddon scenario.

Dr Tobias Dell, the head of a team of scientists exploring possible cures and infection prevention avenues, said last night: “Me and the other scientists watched Sausage Party last night and, so far, none of us have developed corona. 

In fact, we had a really good jolly up on the strength of it.

“We genuinely believe that we’re on to something and so should you.”

The World Health Organisation appeared to back up the claim last night. 

In a short press release, WHO said: “Dr Dell’s observations have been noted and explored in-depth and we have found that only a very small proportion of those infected had ever seen Sausage Party.

“We are now in touch with governments worldwide who have agreed to screen Sausage Party at 19.00 GMT on Monday 22nd of March so that everyone can get the immunity that is so desperately needed right now.

“Only President Trump expressed an objection, on the grounds that he likes to watch re-runs of Tom and Jerry at that hour, but he has agreed to comply if immediately after, we screen the one where a blacksmith’s anvil falls on Tom’s head and makes a big bump come up.”

More as we get it

Local man discovers Messala out of Ben Hur in Whitechapel pub


A 37-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dock Street in Whitechapel has told The Whelk that he spotted the ruthless Roman Tribune, Messala, from the epic movie, Ben Hur, drinking in The Lord Rodney’s Head public house on Monday evening.

Toby Dell, married with four children, told us: “It was definitely him, I’m 100 per cent certain.

“He was wearing a toga and carrying a short sword like the one you saw him carrying in Ben Hur.

“I introduced myself and he seemed pleasant enough so I asked him if he fancied a game of darts and he agreed.

“However, he was a bit of a bad loser and drew his sword when I finished our last game of 501 on double 18.

“After he’d calmed down, we went back to the bar and I started asking him about the chariot race at the end of the film.

“He seemed to get the hump about that and started shouting the odds about how Ben Hur cheated and how he would have won easily if the Cypriot geezer in the pointy hat hadn’t cut him up badly on the 7th lap.

“In the end, the guvnor chucked him out for upsetting the other customers.

“The last I saw of him he was crossing the road and heading towards The Blind Beggar”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green claimed to have seen Cleopatra having a shampoo and set in the hairdressers in Cambridge Heath Road.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:



Retro red television

Not suitable for people who think Brexit will be the gateway to a land of sunny uplands and pink unicorns or the mentally sub-normal. Which amounts to pretty much the same thing really.

I fantasise about fat middle-aged men in string vests says, Mrs Tom Hardy

tom hardy 2
A badly out-of-shape Hardy pictured looking as rough as a badger’s arse last night

The wife of hunky actor, Tom Hardy, has told a magazine that she routinely thinks about overweight middle-aged men in grimy underwear during lovemaking bouts with her sex symbol husband.

Mrs Charlotte Hardy, 35, told OK magazine: “The only reason I stay with Tom is for the money. If he was skint, I’d leave him like a shot”

“I know millions of women envy me and think that he’s a real babe, but to me, he looks like shit on a stick.

“To be honest, when Tom gets fruity in bed and hops on board, I switch the bedside lamp off so that I don’t have to look at his sweaty dial and then imagine I’m being ravished by a 56-year-old furniture porter from Shoreditch, wearing a greasy string vest and really baggy Y-Front Jockey underpants.

“To spice up our love life a bit, I even ordered a string vest and pants set from my catalogue and asked Tom to wear them during a scuttling, but he’s not having it”

Mrs Hardy’s confession comes just a month after the wife of Hollywood dreamboat, George Clooney, told Hello magazine that she puts a bag over his head before sex and imagines that she’s getting the good news from one of the vagrants who live under the Hammersmith flyover.

Post-Brexit Bond Films to Be Much Longer Due to 007 Passport Control Delays


The makers of the iconic James Bond movies have announced that they will be at least two hours longer in duration due to anticipated delays at passport control whenever the crack secret agent is assigned a mission at an exotic European locale.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures told newsmen: “Due to Britain’s forthcoming self-imposed isolation from the European Union, we now estimate that the movies will be a lot longer than was previously the case.

“We’ve had to factor in Bond being held up at customs by surly and resentful immigration staff, who, no doubt, will really take their time processing his documents.

“There’s also a pretty good chance that more time will be wasted when they take him behind a curtain and shove their fingers up his arse”

Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, hit back at the notion last night: “Yes the films may be a bit longer, but at least we’ll have blue passports again. Even if they are being made in France.

“Universal need to believe a bit more and stop talking the country down. Especially as it’s not their country.”

The next Bond blockbuster, Dr Non, is due out in January and features EU Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, as the crazed assassin, Oddjob.

Yasser Arafat rubbed salt into my flanks and then made me feel like a woman says Oprah Winfrey


It was all go with the PLO. Oprah pictured in ebullient mood last night


Award-winning actress and TV personality, Oprah Winfrey, has told a Whelk reporter that she enjoyed a saucy romp with the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, in a bed and breakfast hotel in Limehouse, East London in 1985.

The 97-year-old chat show queen revealed that she met Arafat when she was holidaying in London after filming, The Colour Purple and he was taking a break from top-level summit talks with the Egyptians.

She went on to reveal, that prior to their lovemaking, the 85-year-old PLO leader rubbed rock salt into her flanks, telling her that it would make her “go like the absolute clappers”

“He was very insistent about the salt thing and I wasn’t going to argue. After all, the PLO was considered a terrorist organisation back then and I was scared that he might shoot me or bomb my car if I refused.

“In any case, Yasser was a very attractive man and I wanted to make him mine if I could. To be honest, I couldn’t wait for the off.

“After rubbing in the salt, he laid back naked and told me to “hop on board”

“Then, he just lay there motionless for well over an hour while I pleasured myself. His staying power was sensational.

“Finally, and completely out of the blue, his body tensed up and he began shouting, “salty, salty” over and over before pushing me off onto the floor.

“It was a magical night and one I shall never forget. It even changed my political stance and I found myself having a real down on the Israelis after that”

Ms Winfrey then grew tearful and ended the interview after revealing that Arafat had helped dry the dishes later that evening using his chequered scarf, or ‘shemagh’ for the purpose.

‘Sex Addict’ Weinstein To Be Weaned Off Starlets by Gradual Exposure to Less Attractive Women


ugly woman
Don’t come up and see me sometime. A slightly unattractive woman pictured last night


Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein, has now entered an exclusive clinic where his so-called sex addiction will be addressed by exposing him to a steady stream of females, each one slightly less attractive than the last, in the hope that, by the time he gets to the real tugboats, his predilection for molesting women will have dissipated.

A spokesman for the $2000 dollar-a-night clinic in Beverly Hills told us: “Mr Weinstein will be visited by a number of women on a nightly basis, starting with a few real crackers.

“Then, over the next few nights, the quality will go rapidly downhill, until after a fortnight, he’ll be served up some real hounds that, quite frankly, you wouldn’t even fancy touching with someone else’s.

“It’s a bit like weaning an addict off heroin by giving him methadone I guess

“It’s a tried and trusted method that we have used on a number of big name sex-offenders in the past with outstanding results”

It is understood that all the encounters will be closely monitored by staff in case Weinstein fails to keep himself in check and attempts to manhandle any of the women involved, even the really ropey ones.

Clinic bosses have also instructed staff that under no circumstances is Weinstein to be allowed access to a bathrobe.

This piece is not aimed at detracting from the extremely serious nature of the allegations made against the clearly odious creature that is Weinstein. The Whelk stands full-square alongside the victims of this scumbag and fervently hopes that he’ll soon be cooling his heels in a far less salubrious establishment than the one depicted above – Ed.

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