Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Pop Muzik by ‘M’


NEXT WEEK: Remember You’re A Womble, with revised lyrics by The Dalai Lama

Lyrics For Intellectuals #9856

THIS WEEK: White Christmas – Bing Crosby

bing white xmas

In the movie, White Christmas, Bing performed the eponymous theme tune naked from the waist down as a favour to his sexually insane co-star, Rosemary Clooney. He later confided to friends that Clooney was a ‘real goer’ and that he lost 2-stone in bodyweight due to her constant demands to be scuttled in her caravan after the day’s filming was over –  The Sunday Times Coitus Supplement

Lyrics For Intellectuals #7896

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid


DISCLAIMER: No Bananaramas were hurt during the thought processes behind this article, nor, indeed, during its subsequent production – Ed

Pie & Eel Records Present:

prince andrew sings

“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker

“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME

“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly

“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury

“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World

Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:


Dolly Parton Bombshell: Joleyn says she wouldn’t take singer’s man even if she paid her

Worried about nothing. Dolly pictured at The Grand Ole Opry last night

The world of Country music was reeling last night as, fabled Southern belle, Joleyn, categorically refuted Dolly Parton’s inference that she was interested in taking her man.

Speaking to newsmen last night, the auburn-haired beauty insisted: “Listen, I wouldn’t touch Dolly Parton’s man with a bargepole. You couldn’t pay me enough to go with him. He just ain’t my type, to be honest.

“My beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair, not to mention my ivory skin and eyes of emerald green, so I don’t need to waste my time chasing a chump like him.

“If she thinks I’m going to waste my smile like a breath of spring and my voice like soft summer rain on a loser like this asshole she needs to think again.

“I can have my choice of men and I feel sorry for Dolly that she can never love again but she could do a whole lot better, especially with those hooters”

Joleyn’s outburst comes just two weeks after Country legend, Billie Jo Spears’ husband told friends that he attributed the pneumonia that affected his wife during her final days on her insistence on having sex on a blanket on damp river banks.


 Mixed Reviews From Pop Fans Following the Release of Justin Bieber’s Latest Single

"You know that one where you make a friendly and innocuous comment on somebody's status but they fail to muster up the good manners to respond so you fuck them off your friend's list? That one :)"

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

olly meme

Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

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