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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Queen prefers Russian national anthem to ours, says Palace insider

Queen Elizabeth II took savage swipe at Vladimir Putin during visit | Royal  | News | Express.co.uk

Anthem envy. Her Majesty is not amused as President Putin hums along to Russian anthem during 2007 state visit

According to a royal insider, Her Majesty, The Queen is an avid fan of the Russian national anthem, formerly the anthem of The Soviet Union, and has been in talks with the government to have it adopted as the anthem of Great Britain and Northern Ireland in place of, God Save The Queen, that Her Majesty has often described to friends and family as ‘A bloody awful dirge’

The Queen, apparently considers the Russian anthem, Госудáрственный гимн Росси́йской Федерáции, ‘nice and catchy’ and has been seen at international events, including, the soccer World Cup and the Olympics, humming and tapping her foot whenever it is played.

It is widely believed that The Queen has always hated the British anthem and has stubbornly refused to learn the words, citing the fact that she never has to sing it herself.

A spokesman at the Russian Embassy in London told us: “We don’t blame The Queen for disliking her own national anthem. It’s far too slow and downbeat and the lyrics are an absolute joke, apart from the bit about scattering your enemies, which we’re all in favour of.

“I doubt if President Putin would let her use ours though. He’s very proud of it and often sings it in the bathroom after Russia has been involved in provocative behaviour internationally, like sending fighter jets into NATO airspace and stuff like that”

The Queen’s father, King George VI, was also believed to have harboured an intense dislike of the anthem and was once seen mouthing the words: “Oh for fuck’s sake, not this again” as the band struck up the opening bars during a state visit to The Virgin Islands in 1946.

Dolly Parton’s husband used her warbling throat to make smoothies, says former housemaid

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Dolly and Carl pictured earlier

A 63-year-old woman who worked as a housemaid for country and western legend, Dolly Parton, has told a Whelk reporter that she often saw Parton’s husband, Carl Dean, placing glasses of milk containing bananas, strawberries and other soft fruits against his wife’s neck while she practised her singing at their home in Nashville, Tennessee, as a money-saving method of making smoothies.

Mary Carter, also from Nashville, told us: “I saw Mr Parton do it a lot.

“He was a bit of a health nut and loved his smoothies.

“He told me he saved around a hundred dollars a year using this method.

“He had to be careful though because if he held the glass against her throat during some of the real wobbly-sounding songs like Jolene, the milk used to froth up too much and would spill over down the sides”

In 1993, a former housekeeper to pop icon, Whitney Huston, told a magazine that she once saw a workman holding a bucket containing cement and ballast against the singer’s chest while she sang the vibrato parts in ‘I Will Always Love You’ to make concrete for her garden path

Biden’s presidency leads to local piano accordion boom

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The recent rise in popularity of the piano accordion in the district of Whitechapel has been linked to the newly formed presidency of Joe Biden, according to a poll conducted among residents.

Since the inauguration, over ninety per cent of Whitechapel residents have taken up the instrument, with many playing in the street, in supermarkets and even public lavatories.

One local woman, Tracy Dell, 52, from Berner Street, told The Whelk: “Since Trump got the boot and Joe took up office, I’ve rarely stopped playing and neither has my husband and the kids.

“I’ve learned The Rose of Traylee by heart and can also play Adagio by Andoni with the aid of sheet music.

“It’s as if the whole district is celebrating Joe’s win through the music of the piano accordion and I couldn’t be happier”

In 1962, the Yorkshire town of Sheffield experienced a huge spike in mouth organ recitals following Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s famous, ‘The pound in your pocket’ speech during a televised election broadcast on the BBC.

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: The Gene Genie – David Bowie

David Bowie
NEXT WEEK: Another dictionary-swallowing twat

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THIS WEEK: Jammin’ – Bob Marley

bob marley

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Carols from Kings faces furious backlash over lack of lesbians

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The iconic Christmas carol service from Kings College Cambridge has been slammed for perceived bigotry after hundreds of viewers complained that there were no lesbian participants, either amongst the choir or the students reading excerpts from The Gospels.

A spokesman for the BBC, who screen the concert every Christmas Eve, explained: “We realise that we made an error by not including any lesbians in the service but it was wholly unintentional and we shall be making every effort to redress this next year. We might even throw in a few arse bandits as well, just to stress the point that we’ve got nothing against the gayers”

One irate viewer who wrote to the BBC was Toby Dell, 54, a diesel-fitter from Whitechapel in East London, who told a Whelk reporter: “I was absolutely furious that there were no lesbians present at the concert. I was bored to tears halfway through and could have really done with watching a spot of red hot, girl-on-girl clam noshing”

This latest furore comes just a week after the makers of Songs Of Praise were inundated with hundreds of viewer complaints about the lack of full-on, dwarf sex romps during a rendition of The Old Rugged Cross.

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: The Girl From Ipanema

53-20256-5-girl-from-ipanema-1412032466

NEXT WEEK: A different one!

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals #2983

THIS WEEK: Fight For The Right To Party – Beastie boys

beastie boys

NEXT WEEK: Simon and Garfunkel’s Bridge Over Troubled Water for alcoholics.

Festive Ballads for Intellectuals #472

bing white xmas

Next Week: ‘Perambulating Myself To My Place of Abode In A Conveyance Propelled By An Internal Combustion Engine In Order To Celebrate The Supposed Anniversary Of The Christ’s Birth’ by Chris Rea.

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