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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

Lyrics for Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: Pop Muzik by ‘M’

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NEXT WEEK: Remember You’re A Womble, with revised lyrics by The Dalai Lama

Lyrics For Intellectuals #9856

THIS WEEK: White Christmas – Bing Crosby

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In the movie, White Christmas, Bing performed the eponymous theme tune naked from the waist down as a favour to his sexually insane co-star, Rosemary Clooney. He later confided to friends that Clooney was a ‘real goer’ and that he lost 2-stone in bodyweight due to her constant demands to be scuttled in her caravan after the day’s filming was over –  The Sunday Times Coitus Supplement

Lyrics For Intellectuals #7896

THIS WEEK: Do They Know It’s Christmas – Band-Aid

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DISCLAIMER: No Bananaramas were hurt during the thought processes behind this article, nor, indeed, during its subsequent production – Ed

Pie & Eel Records Present:

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“An extremely shifty triumph – Melody Maker

“A masterpiece of entitled lying and waffling” – NME

“Uneasy listening” – Mother & Baby Monthly

“Who the f**k is he trying to kid? – The Archbishop of Canterbury

“A little pizza musical heaven” – Pun World

Available in a seedy, mucky book shop near you and also on the dark web.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Dolly Parton Bombshell: Joleyn says she wouldn’t take singer’s man even if she paid her

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Worried about nothing. Dolly pictured at The Grand Ole Opry last night

The world of Country music was reeling last night as, fabled Southern belle, Joleyn, categorically refuted Dolly Parton’s inference that she was interested in taking her man.

Speaking to newsmen last night, the auburn-haired beauty insisted: “Listen, I wouldn’t touch Dolly Parton’s man with a bargepole. You couldn’t pay me enough to go with him. He just ain’t my type, to be honest.

“My beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair, not to mention my ivory skin and eyes of emerald green, so I don’t need to waste my time chasing a chump like him.

“If she thinks I’m going to waste my smile like a breath of spring and my voice like soft summer rain on a loser like this asshole she needs to think again.

“I can have my choice of men and I feel sorry for Dolly that she can never love again but she could do a whole lot better, especially with those hooters”

Joleyn’s outburst comes just two weeks after Country legend, Billie Jo Spears’ husband told friends that he attributed the pneumonia that affected his wife during her final days on her insistence on having sex on a blanket on damp river banks.

SHOWBIZ LATEST

 Mixed Reviews From Pop Fans Following the Release of Justin Bieber’s Latest Single

"You know that one where you make a friendly and innocuous comment on somebody's status but they fail to muster up the good manners to respond so you fuck them off your friend's list? That one :)"

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

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