The Whitechapel Whelk

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EDITOR’S NOTE: No Cockneys were harmed during the compilation of this funny and totally non-politically correct item. In fact, some of our best friends are Cockneys, including ourselves. Although, having said that, we do have a person from Yorkshire on the staff, but we don’t like to talk about her in polite company. In fact, we only keep her on because she’s really pretty, good at graphics, and makes us laugh when she speaks in a silly accent and talks about ‘washing t’ pots’.

NEWS IN BRIEF: I’ll beat Amanda Holden’s head in says Dalai Lama

03-04-17 Dibrugarh- Dalai Lama at DU interactive session
Unholy row. A clearly furious Lama makes a ‘screw loose’ gesture during Holden outburst

In a furious outburst yesterday, His Holiness, The Dalai Lama, told newsmen that he wanted to physically attack, Britain’s Got Talent judge, Amanda Holden.

Speaking from his holiday retreat in Marbella, a furious Lama, said: “I’ve just read on the internet that Holden is endorsing the view that the coronavirus pandemic is being transmitted via lampposts, which are in turn, controlled by foreign powers in a bid to destabilise Western democracy.

“Make no mistake, if I come across her at some point I will beat her f******g head in for this, the stupid botoxed bint”

The Dalai Lama is the second religious leader to lash out at the 59-year-old celeb.

Last week, the Right Reverend John Tucker Mugabi Sentamu, Archbishop of York, told a congregation at York Minster Cathedral that he was going to go looking for Holden and “serve her the f**k up”

This piece was written in response to news that Holden is of the opinion that 5G technology is responsible for covid-19 and that lampposts are being commissioned to enable its spread through the world. No really -Ed

Local man practising relaxation technique attacked by giant squid

cattle fish

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he was attacked and badly injured by a giant squid as he was trying to ease his concerns about the coronavirus outbreak by immersing himself in a relaxing fantasy in which he was swimming with dolphins

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I’ve been pretty stressed out lately, what with all this virus business, so I decided to try a relaxation technique that I’d spotted online where you imagine yourself swimming underwater with dolphins.

“I was gliding gracefully through the water with this pod of around five or six bottle-nosed dolphins when, without warning, this giant squid shot out from behind a rock and started crushing me half to death with its tentacles.

“Fortunately, I was carrying a spear gun and I shot the creature in the eye causing it to release its grip and swim off a bit lively.

“I’ll probably just seek counselling or try to face up to things from now on”.

This incident comes just a week after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields was savagely gored by a bull as he was trying to achieve inner peace by imagining himself walking through a sunlit meadow

Local man’s Christian values on the ebb following post-Mass, toe-stubbing incident

Ganesh. Would He have allowed the toe-stubbing? The jury is out

A Whitechapel man began to question his faith in God last Sunday after stubbing his toe on an uneven paving slab just a few minutes after attending a sung Latin Mass at Westminster Cathedral.

Toby Dell, a die-setter from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I’d only left the cathedral a few minutes previously when I stubbed my toe on the slab.

“I immediately began to question my faith in God and wondered if I would have been better off staying indoors or going down the pub.

“Admittedly, I’d slipped out before the Eucharist to avoid the collection ladies, so maybe God was punishing me for not being in a state of grace when I left.

“It did make me challenge the whole concept of Christianity mind you.

“However, I did say three Ave Marias in Latin on the way home in case God made me accidentally fall down a manhole.”

In a related incident last week, a 45-year-old Muslim man from Bethnal Green stopped believing in Allah just an hour after leaving a local mosque when he slipped on a wet dog turd in Roman Road, squashing it with his hand as he fell.



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Local couple enjoyed a saucy romp while the Firefox download wizard watched

See the source image

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she had sex with her husband in front of their laptop computer while downloading the popular Mozilla Firefox browser.

Tracy Dell, a shop worker from Vallance Road, told The Whelk: “My husband Toby and I have always been pretty adventurous when it comes to our love life, so when he suggested getting down to it during a Firefox download, I was all for it.

“It happened last Saturday night and I’ll never forget it as long as I live. It was so intense and dangerous, and yet it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

“Toby went out and got some fish and chips while I went upstairs and put on a french maid’s outfit.

“We washed down the fish supper with a few cans and then Toby put the laptop on the coffee table facing us and began the download

“We kissed passionately and then started going at it full pelt in front of the screen.

“The knowledge that the Firefox wizard was downloading the file just a few feet away was delicious, and although Toby had to keep getting up to click on various prompts, it was the most thrilling experience of our lives”

A spokesman for Mozilla told us: “It’s ridiculous to think that our wizard can see what’s going on in people’s houses during a download, although we must say that Mrs Dell has a pretty decent rack on her for a woman of her age”

Zen News Featuring Special Guest Philosopher, Confucious

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Confucious is the sports editor of the Donald Trump and Rudy Guiliani Chomping Fascist Bugle. But for how long?

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