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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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politics

Accepting redundancy with stoicism to be taught in English schools

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The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.

Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.

Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.

A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”

This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.

Brexit negotiations to be finalised by bake-off, says EU’s Barnier

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From our currant affairs correspondent

With only days to go before the Brexit deadline and with both negotiating teams locked in a seemingly hopeless impasse, EU chief negotiator, Michel Barnier, has now reached an agreement with his British counterparts that a final settlement will be reached via a Great British Bake-Off-style competition to decide the winner.

Speaking at a hastily convened press conference last night, Barnier said: “I’m quietly confident that we can out-bake the British and establish firm guidelines on fishing rights and also the Irish border issue that will favour the EU’s position.

“After all, we French are known for our culinary skills, whereas the Brits can barely make a boiled egg with soldiers.

“I mean to say they’ll probably make a fish and chips cake or something equally representative of their vile cuisine for their showstopper and get the piss taken out of them by the judges”

It is understood, that if the judges are unable to separate the two teams, the final deal will be reached via a cream flan-throwing, free-for-all in Parliament Square in the final hour before the December 31st deadline – Reuters

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

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BREAKING: Emboldened White House aide pulls down sleeping Trump’s eyelids to prevent bug-eyed lunatic look.

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A White House official, emboldened by the US election result, last night crept into The Oval Office, where President Donald Trump has been sleeping since the outcome became clear, and gently closed his eyelids in a bid to prevent the sleeping POTUS from freaking out fellow staffers who have complained that his habit of sleeping with his eyes open has unnerved them.

The unnamed aide told The Whelk: “He looks and sounds insane enough when he’s awake, so you can imagine what he looks like when he sleeps with his eyes open.

“He’s one crazy fuck and we all can’t wait until Joe and his wife move in on January 20th.

“I know that a number of my colleagues have been really freaked out by the way he sleeps.

“One lady told me that she entered the Oval Office to grab a file and he was asleep, flat on his back on the desk with his eyes wide open.

“As she was leaving, he farted loudly, sat bolt upright, tugged on his belt and yelled, ‘Daddy, is it that time again?”

“She said he looked like one crazy sonofabitch and she got the hell out real quick”

Trump is not the only Republican President to take his repose in the Oval Office.

In 2003, President George W Bush climbed on top of his desk and slept soundly for three hours while British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was explaining to him how he had found God.

Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

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It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.

Now Trump’s gone, Bill Gates and I can drink children’s blood with no more fear, says Tom Hanks

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Hollywood superstar, Tom Hanks has expressed relief that Donald Trump has lost the race for the presidency, claiming that Trump’s tireless crusade to stop him drinking kidnapped children’s blood supplied by billionaire Microsoft magnate, Bill Gates, has caused him many sleepless nights throughout the last four years.

“President Trump has been a massive problem for both myself and Bill”, he told The Washington Post.

“Bill sends me regular consignments of blood which he personally syphons from kidnapped orphans that he keeps in tunnels beneath the streets of London.

“Thanks to him I manage to remain youthful-looking, which not only helps me to get roles that call for a man half my age but it also comes in mighty handy for getting next to the young pussy.

“The QAnon movement, led by Trump has really cramped our style with their tireless crusade to free orphan ass, but now that Joe is taking over we’ll be able to drink our fill and maybe even chow down on some tender, underage flesh too”

A spokesman for the Trump organisation said last night: “The President can’t comment right now. In fact, nobody even knows where’s he’s at.

“He was supposed to be at a Veteran’s With Bonespurs rally yesterday but both he and Airforce One are missing.

“Maybe he took off for a weekend of golf to remind himself of how things used to be when he was in office”

More as we get it.

BREAKING: Buckingham Palace deny ‘unseemly’ celebrations following US election outcome

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Due to the coronavirus pandemic, there will be no Saturday edition of The Whitechapel Whelk. This has nothing to do with the fact that we’re going to be on the lash in The Blind Beggar tonight, celebrating the cleansing of the shit stain that has fouled the Oval Office for the last four years. Oh no. That’s not going to be the case at all.

Donald Trump used anti-5G lamppost to save my children from paedo terror, says local woman

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A 35-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that the reason her three youngsters haven’t been abducted by a paedophile gang is down to a recently installed lamppostĀ in her street which she claims was commissioned by US President Donald Trump, primarily to ward off death-dealing 5G covid-19 rays being emitted from the other lampposts and also her microwave oven.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three told us: “I live in fear of my kids being abducted by paedos, but thanks to President Trump’s anti-5G lamppost, they have all remained safe.

“It was only installed a few months back but I knew immediately it was a Trump lamppost because it had a bit of orange paint on it that set it apart from the others, in the same way that Donald’s skin makes it easier to distinguish him from his wife and Mike Pence who are much whiter.

“Since that lampost went up not one of my kids has been kidnapped by nonces, nor have any of them contracted 5G-generated covid, although my hubby died from it last week.

“I can’t thank the president enough and have written to him at The White House and have also sent letters to Amanda Holden and Eamon Holmes off the telly, as I know they’re just as scared of 5G covid rays as I am”

Mrs Dell’s assertion comes just five days after a man from neighbouring Stepney complained that Bill Gates was syphoning blood from his 4-year-old cat and giving it to Tom Hanks so that the star could drink it in a bid to stay young-looking.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to give your head a bit of a wobble, or failing that, to throw yourself in the Thames with an anvil chained around your neck – Ed.

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