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Possessed local man refused to answer door to Mormon exorcist

 

morman

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man whose soul has been laid waste by demonic possession has told The Whelk that he refused to answer the door to a member of the Mormon church who had arrived to drive out the unclean spirit last Tuesday evening.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Commercial Street, told our reporter: “A few weeks back, my missus told me that I had recently begun changing in a number of ways.

“She complained that a foul-smelling, glutenous fluid kept spilling from my lips during conversations and that my head had taken to spinning around while I was eating my dinner.

“She also told me that I had begun to display a voracious and insane sexual appetite, although she didn’t mind that so much apart from the mess up the walls and on the ceiling.

“A mate of mine said he could send someone round to drive out the demon that had taken possession of my soul, but when I saw this Mormon bloke at the door with a number of copies of The Latter-Day Saints magazine in his hand I hid behind the couch and told the missus to turn the lights out and be quiet until he’d gone.

“To be honest, I was hoping for an old Jesuit priest, steeped in the ancient lore of battling The Evil One, not some boring twat who was going to take root on the sofa for hours on end, banging on about us all being spirit children of God and how it’s ok to have loads of missuses.

“Mind you, I suppose there’s always the chance that the bloke might have caused the demon to leave me due to sheer boredom

“Anyway, I’ve decided to put up with it a bit longer until a Roman Catholic priest of some description is available”

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch woman, whose dying mother had asked for the administration of The Last Rites, curled up in a ball behind the front door for over an hour in complete silence while two Jehovah’s Witnesses stood outside, ringing the doorbell clutching copies of The Watchtower.

TOP SHELF THEOLOGY

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It’s a good job I’m going to Latin Mass this morning is all I can say – Ed

EXTRA!

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We were going to lead with a piece about President Trump’s assertion yesterday that ‘old flu vaccine’ could be used to innoculate against covid-19 but we were concerned that our reputation as doughty and fearless purveyors of truth might come under fire. – Ed

I once saw Trump being borne aloft by angels says Mike Pence

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Cherubim and Seraphim pictured in the olden days. Photograph by Lord Snowden

United States Vice President, Mike Pence, has told worshippers at a prayer meeting in his home town of Columbus, Indiana, that he once witnessed President Donald Trump being lifted into the air by angelic Cherubim and Serafim in the White House Oval Office.

“It was probably the most wonderful site I have ever seen in my entire life,” he told assembled worshippers.

“The President had just finished signing an executive order implementing core Principles for regulating the United States financial system.

“He was just putting his pen back in the drawer when these two angels descended from way up in the dome and bore the president aloft.

“He was a little shaken and began kicking and yelling some, but I knew that it was a sign from God that by making it easier for businessmen to make money he was doing The Lord’s work.

“I swear I’ve seen nothing like that since Rudi Guiliani showed me footage on his cellphone of Sarah Huckabee Sanders joined in sexual union with the Archangel Gabriel who had come down to earth as a cable TV repair guy to fill her with the Holy Spirit”

Arthritic local Catholic man deems it ok to give thumbs-up before Latin Mass

12 - At the elevation of the Host

A 55-year-old Roman Catholic man has decided that it’s perfectly acceptable to deliver a thumbs-up gesture towards the altar prior to the Solemn Latin Mass instead of the customary genuflection which would involve bending his arthritic knee.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter: “I’m pretty certain God understands that I’m struggling a bit with my arthritis these days and that bending my right knee before taking my seat at Latin Mass on Sundays is becoming more and more painful

“A simple thumbs-up is perfectly adequate in my view. It indicates my respect for the church and doesn’t detract from my faith in The Lord one iota.

“Mind you, I wouldn’t fancy trying it in a Protestant church. That Prod God is a real nasty bastard by all accounts and would probably strike me down with a lightning bolt on the way to the pub after the service or something along those lines.”

A spokesman for the Catholic church told us: “It’s perfectly acceptable for the aged or the infirm to genuflect in the best way possible in line with the nature and extent of their individual physical difficulty.

“However, we would ask them to put in double the amount they normally pay into the collection box before the Eucharist as penance.”

In 2013, a wheelchair-bound woman from neighbouring Poplar was ejected from, St Mary of The Immaculate Conception church in Wapping, after yelling, “Alright mate?” at a carved edifice of Christ suspended above the altar bearing the Blessed Sacrament.

Local jihadist expresses annoyance as Londoners enjoy quiet drink following London Bridge outrage

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Infidel jackals pictured defying the will of Allah last night

A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London with a conviction for terrorism, rang the Whitechapel Whelk office last night to express his annoyance that Londoners seemed to be enjoying their customary Friday evening drink in the bars around London Bridge just hours after a terrorist incident left two people dead, three injured, and saw the terrorist subsequently shot dead on the bridge by armed officers from The City of London Police.

Tobias al-Delhaam, who was released from prison last July after serving three years for involvement in a terrorist plot, told us: “I walked down to London Bridge last night to pay my respects to my slain brother and was astonished to see all the bars full of people, drinking and chatting as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do they not fear us? Why don’t they tremble before our might and fear for their worthless, infidel lives?

“It was the same after the punishment we inflicted on them at Borough Market and Westminster Bridge.

“These dogs seem impervious to our jihad and to the will of Allah”

We then put the man on hold, locked up the office and went to the pub across the road for a few pints and a game of darts.

Yes, and I won! – Ed.

Local man’s Christian values on the ebb following post-Mass, toe-stubbing incident

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Ganesh. Would He have allowed the toe-stubbing? The jury is out

A Whitechapel man began to question his faith in God last Sunday after stubbing his toe on an uneven paving slab just a few minutes after attending a sung Latin Mass at Westminster Cathedral.

Toby Dell, a die-setter from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I’d only left the cathedral a few minutes previously when I stubbed my toe on the slab.

“I immediately began to question my faith in God and wondered if I would have been better off staying indoors or going down the pub.

“Admittedly, I’d slipped out before the Eucharist to avoid the collection ladies, so maybe God was punishing me for not being in a state of grace when I left.

“It did make me challenge the whole concept of Christianity mind you.

“However, I did say three Ave Marias in Latin on the way home in case God made me accidentally fall down a manhole.”

In a related incident last week, a 45-year-old Muslim man from Bethnal Green stopped believing in Allah just an hour after leaving a local mosque when he slipped on a wet dog turd in Roman Road, squashing it with his hand as he fell.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

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