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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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religion

Arsebishop’s Toilet Visit Cured My Leprosy, Claims Local Man

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has made the astonishing claim that he was cured of the flesh-eating disease, leprosy, after the thrice-ordained Arsebishop of Croydonbury, The Right Reverend Lucia Danton-Hinds, used his downstairs toilet yesterday.

Toby Dell, a gravity die-caster told us: ‘I began feeling ill after waking up yesterday morning.

‘My head was banging and I was constantly being sick.

‘My wife told me I’d had too much to drink the night before but I knew it was leprosy without a shadow of a doubt.

‘Then, as I was lying on the sofa, feeling like shit on a stick, the doorbell rang.

‘To my amazement, it was the three-times ordained Arsebishop of Croydonbury clad in her ceremonial Church of England clobber.

‘Now, I’m a Catholic with no time at all for the Prods, but when she explained that she was bursting for a slash and asked to use my bog, I put my religious distaste to one side and told her she could use the small one in the hall but that it could only be for a gypsy’s kiss and not a full-on pony and trap.

‘After she’d left, I had a bit of grub and went in there myself about half an hour afterwards for an Eartha Kitt.

‘To my astonishment, as soon as I sat down on that pan I became bathed in a soft radiance and I could hear the heavenly voices of a host of cherubim and seraphim, praising the Lord and asking for His blessings to be visited upon me.

‘You could have knocked me down with a feather, when, after six pints of London Pride with Jim Beam chasers down the Blind Beggar last night, I began to recover from the leprosy that had laid me low just hours previously, to such an extent that I started singing a medley of rousing Cockney songs as I made my way home a few hours and six more pints later.

‘I’m not saying that I’m going to leave the Catholic faith and become a filthy Prod on the strength of this one, but I shall always have a soft spot for the Arsebishop and her toilet-based miracle working’

In a similar incident, a woman from neighbouring Spitalfields claimed that she was cured of blackwater fever after the current Arsebishop’s grandad had a noisy shit behind her garden shed during a parish barbecue at her house in 1968.

Nobody disses The Queen and Lives: Pope’s stark message to No.10 revellers

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A furious Holy Father pictured last night

Pope Francis, last night delivered an uncompromising message to the Downing Street employees who held a boozy bash, complete with disco and DJ, while Her Majesty The Queen sat alone and socially distanced in St George’s chapel, mourning the loss of her husband of 73 years,

Speaking from The Vatican to assembled newsmen, The Holy Father stormed: ‘The Queen is a good friend and these lousy individuals have disrespected her in her time of grief.

‘I’m going to make the ringleaders pay for this with their lives.

‘The hangers-on, including the scumbag who went to the off-licence for more liquor, will be beaten and thrown in a dumpster with the trash, which is where they belong.

‘I’ve already picked a little firm of priests to get the job squared away and they’re on a flight to Heathrow as we speak.

‘The Queen may be a Prod while I’m more of a Roman Catholic but she’s also The Defender of The Faith, and that goes a long way in my eyes.

‘To be honest, I wanted to have Prime Minister Johnson taken care of too but then I figured that the chump is already a dead man walking.’

Pope Francis is not the first church leader to take punitive action against those perceived as malefactors and disrespecters of organised religion.

In 1987, the Dalai Lama garotted a Jehovah’s Witness who had knocked on his door while the living deity was waiting to find out who the killer was at the end of an episode of Columbo.

Taliban set to allow women to practice mild nagging during daylight hours

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Delighted Afghan women pictured last night expressing joy at their new-found freedom 

Afghanistan’s Taliban leaders have announced, that as part of their inclusivity policy towards women, a controlled amount of spousal nagging will be permitted from February this year during daylight hours, after which a strictly enforced ban will be imposed.

Any woman caught droning on to her spouse about his failings as a husband beyond this designated period will be stoned to death inside the nearest football stadium.

A Taliban spokesman told reporters: ‘A certain amount of mild nagging will be permitted during daylight hours.

‘Women will be free to complain about minor irritations such as a husband’s habit of leaving wet towels on the floor in the bathroom, hookah smoking in the car while driving, or loud chanting while reading  The Qur’an in bed.

‘However, women will be strictly forbidden to address more serious issues like a man’s serial adultery or his habitual and righteous use of the lash to keep her in order.

‘All Afghan women will be given these generous rights and will adhere to them on pain of death.’

A spokeswoman for a women’s rights organisation in Kabul said last night: ‘It’s certainly a small step forward, and I for one can’t wait to give my husband some serious grief over his general untidiness and his disgusting habit of blowing his nose on the goats’.

The Passion of Harrison Ford: Actor To Become Human Cross

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Ford pictured limbering up for human cross stint last night

In a surprise move, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has told friends that he will be tackling his toughest ever role this Easter when he will double as a ‘human cross’ and invite people to be nailed to him outside his home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Ford told reporters last night: “I’ve always been a deeply religious man so what better way to express my faith than to pretend to be a cross and to have members of the public nailed to me outside my home”

The Star Wars actor will be driven two feet into the ground on the day before Good Friday where he will adopt a ‘crucifix’ pose, similar to that of a scarecrow in a field.

People will then be nailed to the actor for short periods, after which, they will be asked to put their loose change in a tin positioned at the star’s feet. Ford has promised that every penny raised will be spent on drink and fancy women during Holy Week.

However, the move has attracted criticism from Christian church leaders, with The Archbishop of Canterbury calling it: “Exploitative and a blasphemous outrage”. While The Pope urged people to boycott what he called the actor’s “cynical attempt to cash in on Christ’s suffering.”

“I know his acting is pretty wooden, even at the best of times,” The Pontiff said last night, “But this is just taking the piss”

Ford’s announcement mirrors a similar move by Oscar-winning actress, Meryl Streep last Easter Monday,  when the Mama Mia star had herself fired into space attached to a rocket in what she claimed was a tribute to Jesus’s ascension unto Heaven.

Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

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Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

Jehovah’s Witness fails to exorcise local demon by holding up a stick

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‘Who is it dear?’

A prominent Jehovah’s Witness was last night unable to cast out a demon from a local teenager by reciting a passage from The Book of Revelation while holding up a small stick.

JWs, believe that Christ was not crucified at Golgotha but was somehow nailed to a wooden stake instead.

They, therefore, shun the conventional cross as the widely-accepted symbol of Christianity and regard it as a blasphemous obscenity that flies in the face of the scriptures, in much the same way as they regard, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, Roman Catholics, Anglicans, Methodists and Quakers etc, as corruptors of Jehovah’s word who will end up as ‘manure on the ground’ when Christ – behaving totally out of character – obliterates Mankind at Armageddon at some point in the future, although, after a constant litany of failures to accurately foretell this one, they haven’t committed to a firm date just yet.

With this doctrine in mind, the JW elder in question attempted to exorcise a malignant demon from the 13-year-old, local girl by holding up a stick, representing the stake on which Christ met his end and reciting something about a seven-headed dragon and a pale rider.

Unfortunately for all concerned, his efforts proved fruitless and the girl’s parents had to call in a Jesuit priest who completed the task in a few hours using the conventional crucifix, along with Holy Water, the Latin prayer to St Michael, and the tried and trusted, invocation of The Holy Mother to crush the proud head of Satan.

A spokesman for the local Jehovah’s Freedom Hall told The Whelk: ‘You can’t win them all I suppose. This girl was probably a lesbian apostate or something, but at least we’ve made a billion smackers from selling our New York headquarters to Jared Kushner’

This latest news comes after it was recently revealed that the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ ‘black book’ of paedophile members is bigger than that of any other organisation on the planet.

Local man re-evaluates lifestyle after holy water sears into flesh

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From our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes. I noticed that it took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of The Cross burned into my flesh.

“I even checked my hands, feet, and side for signs of stigmata when I got home but I seem to be ok on that score.

“I’m now going to give up drink, gambling, and sleeping with all of my wife’s four sisters, although I might still ask them to send me a few saucy photos now and again as I don’t want to rush things too much.

“I’m also going to stop using industrial language in a casual manner, although as a supporter of West Ham United, I realise this won’t be at all easy when the football results are being read out on the radio”

A spokesman for the Cathedral told us: “We are always delighted when a worshipper moves closer to The Lord. However, we should point out, that due to coronavirus, we have been filling the fonts with caustic soda at night to sanitise them and this is not drained off and rinsed away until just before the sung Latin Mass at 4.30 pm”

Possessed local man refused to answer door to Mormon exorcist

 

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man whose soul has been laid waste by demonic possession has told The Whelk that he refused to answer the door to a member of the Mormon church who had arrived to drive out the unclean spirit last Tuesday evening.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Commercial Street, told our reporter: “A few weeks back, my missus told me that I had recently begun changing in a number of ways.

“She complained that a foul-smelling, glutenous fluid kept spilling from my lips during conversations and that my head had taken to spinning around while I was eating my dinner.

“She also told me that I had begun to display a voracious and insane sexual appetite, although she didn’t mind that so much apart from the mess up the walls and on the ceiling.

“A mate of mine said he could send someone round to drive out the demon that had taken possession of my soul, but when I saw this Mormon bloke at the door with a number of copies of The Latter-Day Saints magazine in his hand I hid behind the couch and told the missus to turn the lights out and be quiet until he’d gone.

“To be honest, I was hoping for an old Jesuit priest, steeped in the ancient lore of battling The Evil One, not some boring twat who was going to take root on the sofa for hours on end, banging on about us all being spirit children of God and how it’s ok to have loads of missuses.

“Mind you, I suppose there’s always the chance that the bloke might have caused the demon to leave me due to sheer boredom

“Anyway, I’ve decided to put up with it a bit longer until a Roman Catholic priest of some description is available”

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch woman, whose dying mother had asked for the administration of The Last Rites, curled up in a ball behind the front door for over an hour in complete silence while two Jehovah’s Witnesses stood outside, ringing the doorbell clutching copies of The Watchtower.

TOP SHELF THEOLOGY

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It’s a good job I’m going to Latin Mass this morning is all I can say – Ed

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