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Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

Cliff-Richard
Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

Jehovah’s Witness fails to exorcise local demon by holding up a stick

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‘Who is it dear?’

A prominent Jehovah’s Witness was last night unable to cast out a demon from a local teenager by reciting a passage from The Book of Revelation while holding up a small stick.

JWs, believe that Christ was not crucified at Golgotha but was somehow nailed to a wooden stake instead.

They, therefore, shun the conventional cross as the widely-accepted symbol of Christianity and regard it as a blasphemous obscenity that flies in the face of the scriptures, in much the same way as they regard, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, Roman Catholics, Anglicans, Methodists and Quakers etc, as corruptors of Jehovah’s word who will end up as ‘manure on the ground’ when Christ – behaving totally out of character – obliterates Mankind at Armageddon at some point in the future, although, after a constant litany of failures to accurately foretell this one, they haven’t committed to a firm date just yet.

With this doctrine in mind, the JW elder in question attempted to exorcise a malignant demon from the 13-year-old, local girl by holding up a stick, representing the stake on which Christ met his end and reciting something about a seven-headed dragon and a pale rider.

Unfortunately for all concerned, his efforts proved fruitless and the girl’s parents had to call in a Jesuit priest who completed the task in a few hours using the conventional crucifix, along with Holy Water, the Latin prayer to St Michael, and the tried and trusted, invocation of The Holy Mother to crush the proud head of Satan.

A spokesman for the local Jehovah’s Freedom Hall told The Whelk: ‘You can’t win them all I suppose. This girl was probably a lesbian apostate or something, but at least we’ve made a billion smackers from selling our New York headquarters to Jared Kushner’

This latest news comes after it was recently revealed that the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ ‘black book’ of paedophile members is bigger than that of any other organisation on the planet.

Local man re-evaluates lifestyle after holy water sears into flesh

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From our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes. I noticed that it took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of The Cross burned into my flesh.

“I even checked my hands, feet, and side for signs of stigmata when I got home but I seem to be ok on that score.

“I’m now going to give up drink, gambling, and sleeping with all of my wife’s four sisters, although I might still ask them to send me a few saucy photos now and again as I don’t want to rush things too much.

“I’m also going to stop using industrial language in a casual manner, although as a supporter of West Ham United, I realise this won’t be at all easy when the football results are being read out on the radio”

A spokesman for the Cathedral told us: “We are always delighted when a worshipper moves closer to The Lord. However, we should point out, that due to coronavirus, we have been filling the fonts with caustic soda at night to sanitise them and this is not drained off and rinsed away until just before the sung Latin Mass at 4.30 pm”

Possessed local man refused to answer door to Mormon exorcist

 

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man whose soul has been laid waste by demonic possession has told The Whelk that he refused to answer the door to a member of the Mormon church who had arrived to drive out the unclean spirit last Tuesday evening.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Commercial Street, told our reporter: “A few weeks back, my missus told me that I had recently begun changing in a number of ways.

“She complained that a foul-smelling, glutenous fluid kept spilling from my lips during conversations and that my head had taken to spinning around while I was eating my dinner.

“She also told me that I had begun to display a voracious and insane sexual appetite, although she didn’t mind that so much apart from the mess up the walls and on the ceiling.

“A mate of mine said he could send someone round to drive out the demon that had taken possession of my soul, but when I saw this Mormon bloke at the door with a number of copies of The Latter-Day Saints magazine in his hand I hid behind the couch and told the missus to turn the lights out and be quiet until he’d gone.

“To be honest, I was hoping for an old Jesuit priest, steeped in the ancient lore of battling The Evil One, not some boring twat who was going to take root on the sofa for hours on end, banging on about us all being spirit children of God and how it’s ok to have loads of missuses.

“Mind you, I suppose there’s always the chance that the bloke might have caused the demon to leave me due to sheer boredom

“Anyway, I’ve decided to put up with it a bit longer until a Roman Catholic priest of some description is available”

Mr Dell’s experience comes just two weeks after a Shoreditch woman, whose dying mother had asked for the administration of The Last Rites, curled up in a ball behind the front door for over an hour in complete silence while two Jehovah’s Witnesses stood outside, ringing the doorbell clutching copies of The Watchtower.

TOP SHELF THEOLOGY

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It’s a good job I’m going to Latin Mass this morning is all I can say – Ed

EXTRA!

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We were going to lead with a piece about President Trump’s assertion yesterday that ‘old flu vaccine’ could be used to innoculate against covid-19 but we were concerned that our reputation as doughty and fearless purveyors of truth might come under fire. – Ed

I once saw Trump being borne aloft by angels says Mike Pence

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Cherubim and Seraphim pictured in the olden days. Photograph by Lord Snowden

United States Vice President, Mike Pence, has told worshippers at a prayer meeting in his home town of Columbus, Indiana, that he once witnessed President Donald Trump being lifted into the air by angelic Cherubim and Serafim in the White House Oval Office.

“It was probably the most wonderful site I have ever seen in my entire life,” he told assembled worshippers.

“The President had just finished signing an executive order implementing core Principles for regulating the United States financial system.

“He was just putting his pen back in the drawer when these two angels descended from way up in the dome and bore the president aloft.

“He was a little shaken and began kicking and yelling some, but I knew that it was a sign from God that by making it easier for businessmen to make money he was doing The Lord’s work.

“I swear I’ve seen nothing like that since Rudi Guiliani showed me footage on his cellphone of Sarah Huckabee Sanders joined in sexual union with the Archangel Gabriel who had come down to earth as a cable TV repair guy to fill her with the Holy Spirit”

Arthritic local Catholic man deems it ok to give thumbs-up before Latin Mass

12 - At the elevation of the Host

A 55-year-old Roman Catholic man has decided that it’s perfectly acceptable to deliver a thumbs-up gesture towards the altar prior to the Solemn Latin Mass instead of the customary genuflection which would involve bending his arthritic knee.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter: “I’m pretty certain God understands that I’m struggling a bit with my arthritis these days and that bending my right knee before taking my seat at Latin Mass on Sundays is becoming more and more painful

“A simple thumbs-up is perfectly adequate in my view. It indicates my respect for the church and doesn’t detract from my faith in The Lord one iota.

“Mind you, I wouldn’t fancy trying it in a Protestant church. That Prod God is a real nasty bastard by all accounts and would probably strike me down with a lightning bolt on the way to the pub after the service or something along those lines.”

A spokesman for the Catholic church told us: “It’s perfectly acceptable for the aged or the infirm to genuflect in the best way possible in line with the nature and extent of their individual physical difficulty.

“However, we would ask them to put in double the amount they normally pay into the collection box before the Eucharist as penance.”

In 2013, a wheelchair-bound woman from neighbouring Poplar was ejected from, St Mary of The Immaculate Conception church in Wapping, after yelling, “Alright mate?” at a carved edifice of Christ suspended above the altar bearing the Blessed Sacrament.

Local jihadist expresses annoyance as Londoners enjoy quiet drink following London Bridge outrage

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Infidel jackals pictured defying the will of Allah last night

A 23-year-old man from Whitechapel in East London with a conviction for terrorism, rang the Whitechapel Whelk office last night to express his annoyance that Londoners seemed to be enjoying their customary Friday evening drink in the bars around London Bridge just hours after a terrorist incident left two people dead, three injured, and saw the terrorist subsequently shot dead on the bridge by armed officers from The City of London Police.

Tobias al-Delhaam, who was released from prison last July after serving three years for involvement in a terrorist plot, told us: “I walked down to London Bridge last night to pay my respects to my slain brother and was astonished to see all the bars full of people, drinking and chatting as if they didn’t have a care in the world.

“Do they not fear us? Why don’t they tremble before our might and fear for their worthless, infidel lives?

“It was the same after the punishment we inflicted on them at Borough Market and Westminster Bridge.

“These dogs seem impervious to our jihad and to the will of Allah”

We then put the man on hold, locked up the office and went to the pub across the road for a few pints and a game of darts.

Yes, and I won! – Ed.

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