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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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satire

The WordPress, Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug of Hope

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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well, those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slips into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to endorse.

It can be used any time, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again.

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowel. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death, for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will in some way be enhanced” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I agree with Mr Sideboard! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family” – Sammy Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever we indulge in rumpy pumpy. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Billy Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Danny Soz
Name and address withheld
Soz Satire Magazine
Whitechapel E1

Fury over agony aunt who advised wife of crossdresser to ‘kick his sicko head in’

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Ms Carter pictured in defiant mood last night

A newspaper agony aunt came under fire yesterday after she advised a woman to assault her husband who had revealed to her that he was a secret crossdresser.

Meg Carter, who has worked on the Whitechapel Whelk newspaper for over thirty years, told the woman in question to leave her husband and to ‘kick his sicko head in’ before doing so.

Despite clamour for her resignation, the newspaper’s editor-in-chief, Daniel Soz, 21, issued a statement defending Carter’s stance last night.

‘Meg has always been honest and forthright in her opinions and I think our readership appreciate this.

‘While we don’t condone violence in any shape or form, we’re prepared to make an exception in this weirdo’s case. At the end of the day, any male that parades around in dresses and wears women’s scanties deserves a good clump in our view’

Ms Carter was recently censured by The Press Complaints Commision after advising a female reader, who had complained about her husband’s reluctance to help out with the ironing, to batter him to death with an iron bar and throw his body into the Thames.

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

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Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Letters To The Editor

stalin

Dear Sir

In their smash hit single, Everybody Hurts, the beat group, REM, clearly state, ‘take comfort in your friends.
This is all well and good but what about if you’re a fat sociopathic fuck and everyone, including your own family, think you’re a weapons-grade c**t?

D. Trump
Mar A Lago
Murica

***********

Dear Sir

Carers. Buy a pair of those joke, chattering dentures, so that your elderly charges can use them to pre-chew their meat instead of you having to cut it up for them.

Betty Stable
Dar Es Salaam

**********

Dear Sir

I spotted a white youngster spitting in the street yesterday. You can bet your bottom dollar he was taught this filthy habit by immigrants. Pakistanis and the French spring immediately to mind.

P. Patel. Home Secretary
Whitehall
London W1

**********

Dear Sir

Fill your bath with tropical plants and then turn the hot tap in the sink on. If you then crawl around in the bottom of the tub you can replicate the steamy conditions experienced by British soldiers fighting the Japs in the jungle during World War II. For added authenticity, throw in a few poisonous insects and venomous snakes.

Helen Mirren
Tinsel Town
Bermondsey

**********

Dear Sir

In one of his smash hit singles, Lionel Richie extols the sensation of dancing on the ceiling.
Well I tried it yesterday and was killed instantly in the resulting heavy fall.
Come on Lionel, if that’s your idea of enjoyment I should very much like to take issue with you.

S. Wonder
Bromley By Bow
London E4

95% of Americans will have accidentally killed each other by 2050, survey finds

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The infamous Harvard Massacre of 2014 when college students accidentally killed each other in an argument over Monica Lewinsky’s chest measurements

A shock investigation by a popular American magazine has revealed that by the year 2050 an incredible 95% of American citizens will have accidentally killed each other through the negligent discharge of firearms.

The in-depth analysis comes just weeks after a young black male was shot dead in the street by cops who mistook his hands-up gesture to be a threat to the lives of themselves and fellow officers, and the accidental fatal shooting of a marching band of majorettes by a 9-year-old girl who had stolen her father’s assault rifle.

Fightin’ And A Feudin’ magazine also claim, that by the turn of the next century, the American armed forces will have entirely wiped themselves out, along with 97% of Nato forces, in friendly fire incidents.

A spokesman for the National Rifle Association Of America played down the report last night. “We at the NRA totally refute these findings.

“Every American citizen has the right to bear arms under the constitution and if a few sorry sonsofbitches get caught in the crossfire then all I can say is they probably had it coming”

Many women feared dead following stampede as Tom Hardy opens cake shop in underpants

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Up to thirty women were killed yesterday afternoon during a frenzied stampede to see the actor, Tom Hardy, opening a local specialist cake shop wearing a tight-fitting pair of briefs.

Earlier, a crowd of over a thousand women from across East London had gathered to watch the hunky star open the shop in Whitechapel Road in his pants.

However, tragedy struck when the crowd surged forward as the scantily clad actor emerged from a limousine outside the shop in a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.

One woman who witnessed the carnage, Tracy Dell, 54 from Thrawl Street told us: “It was absolutely horrendous, to be honest.

“As soon as Tom got out of the car there was a huge surge forward and I saw many women crushed underfoot in the melee.

“I myself trampled on at least five bitches who were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Tom’s lunchbox”

This latest tragedy comes just two weeks after a hundred women died in a similar crush-related incident as hunky Aquaman star, Jason Mamoa, opened a pie and mash shop in Shadwell wearing a fireman’s uniform.

Biden’s presidency leads to local piano accordion boom

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The recent rise in popularity of the piano accordion in the district of Whitechapel has been linked to the newly formed presidency of Joe Biden, according to a poll conducted among residents.

Since the inauguration, over ninety per cent of Whitechapel residents have taken up the instrument, with many playing in the street, in supermarkets and even public lavatories.

One local woman, Tracy Dell, 52, from Berner Street, told The Whelk: “Since Trump got the boot and Joe took up office, I’ve rarely stopped playing and neither has my husband and the kids.

“I’ve learned The Rose of Traylee by heart and can also play Adagio by Andoni with the aid of sheet music.

“It’s as if the whole district is celebrating Joe’s win through the music of the piano accordion and I couldn’t be happier”

In 1962, the Yorkshire town of Sheffield experienced a huge spike in mouth organ recitals following Prime Minister Harold Wilson’s famous, ‘The pound in your pocket’ speech during a televised election broadcast on the BBC.

No red-blooded Englishman worth his salt has ever shown a modicum of interest in tennis, claims survey

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Two male tennis lovers pictured in Mile End Park yesterday

A recent study conducted over two years by Cambridge university has revealed that not one staunch and manly Englishman has ever liked the game of tennis, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent of those questioned revealing indifference, bordering on hostility, towards the sport.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen last night: “This study shows that barely a single red-blooded male in England likes tennis, largely due to its lack of physical contact and its perceived links to high-born privilege and the upper echelons of society.

“The study also found that the one per cent of males who did actually express a liking for the sport were of a weedy aspect physically with poorly developed biceps and a fondness for flower-arranging, Kylie Minogue, and interior design”

We spoke to a number of men in and around Whitechapel yesterday all of whom seemed to bear out the study’s findings.

“One of those questioned was Toby Dell, a meat porter from Thrawl Street, who was forthright in his condemnation of the sport: “It’s a game for women and poofs” he explained.

“That’s why England have only ever produced a few useless twats that let the country down every time they step out onto the court.

“Just look at Tim Henman and that Andrew Castle, What a couple of mincing ponces they are. Personally, I would have them thrown in jail for crimes against manly humanity”

However, England did produce one player of note in the 1930s.

Fred Perry, won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship in 1936 but spoiled it when he was caught embroidering lace hankies during a break for rain at the French Championships the following year.

Local man feels trapped by FB friends request from complete twat from his past

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a Facebook friends request from a man he used to associate with in his late teens and early twenties but who he always considered to be an utter twat has left him feeling cornered and conflicted.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Berner Street, told us: “I got this friends request from the bloke last week and my heart sank, to be honest.

“The man was a real chump back then and I only knocked about with him because he had a few quid to buy drinks and I was banging his sister.

“I’m now living in fear that he’ll be coming on my statuses and showing me up like shit in front of my mates and family members.

“He’s already added my missus, but she’s told me to accept his request and then tweak my account so that he can’t see any of my posts.

“That sounds a bit too complicated so I’m going to send him a quick message on WhatsApp, telling him that I’m close to death and don’t want him to be upset when he learns on FB that I’ve fallen off the perch in a week or two”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Poplar sent an irritating would-be Facebook friend a photoshopped image of himself hanging from a noose attached to a light fitting, accompanied by a message from his wife, informing the man that her husband had taken his own life due to being wanted by the police on several murder charges.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece try telling the person concerned that you’re a massive Donald Trump fan. That usually gets rid of most people although not the complete, mentally sub-normal arseoles – Ed

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