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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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science

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

Ladies. Put a stop to your husband’s constant self-abuse with the Mastur-Mate from the Whitechapel Bellend Foundry

Ladies. Are you sick of going without your womanly rights because your husband would rather sneak off to the bathroom to feed the ducks with a racy bongo mag tucked down the back of his trousers?

Then this ingenious little device is perfect for you.

One sharp rap across his lid while he’s wringing the bells will dampen his onanism almost immediately thereby increasing your chances of getting a half-decent scuttling at bedtime

Send just £3874.00 to The Whitechapel Bellend Foundry and we’ll despatch your Mastur-Mate at some vague point in the future

Testimonial:

mastur-mate housewife

MARKETPLACE

machine

Reviews & Testimonials

‘I could hardly get out of bed until this device changed my life. Thanks Erect-O-Mate! – Lazarus

‘I’ve never been more erect in my life’ – Dame Judy Dench

‘Absolute rubbish! I sent mine back after one go with it’ – Quasimodo

‘I asked for a recount after mine arrived to make sure there was only one in the box. I paid three million bucks, only to find there were two’ – Thanks Whitechapel Mint for sending it so beautifully and preciously – Donald Trump

‘A boon after sixteen pints of heavy in the Scotland Yard canteen’ – PC Ted Stupor

‘I use mine to maintain a perfect posture while I’m drinking the orphan blood that Bill Gates sends me’ – Tom Hanks

Guarantee – If you’re not 100% satisfied with your Erect-O-Mate, just contact our Customer Relations Department and they’ll send round a couple of heavies to boot you from arseole to Saturday within seven days 

Local man cuts short visit to toilet following radio disaster

toilet 2

A 54-year-old man has told The WhitechapelWhelk that he curtailed an early morning bathroom visit last week after discovering that the small radio he normally listens to during a bowel movement wasn’t working due to a dead battery

Toby Dell from Leman Street told us: “I’d just finished a massive bowl of porridge and was settling down on the sofa to read the paper when I felt the need to have a clear-out.

“I settled myself down on the chodbin and went to switch on the radio to have a listen to BBC London FM only to find it was dead.

“I was absolutely gutted as I wanted to listen to the Vanessa Feltz Show while I dropped the kids off at the pool.

“Unfortunately, there was no way I could go out and get some new batteries as I’d already started and had the turtle’s head.

“I just got the job squared away in double-quick time and got the hell out.

“Next time I need an Eartha Kitt, I’ll turn the radio on first to make sure it’s working”

It is estimated that the average man spends up to thirty per cent of his life in the smallest room, reading newspapers or listening to the radio.

In some extreme cases, a small proportion of men have fitted a wall-mounted TV opposite the pan where they watch complete movies, or binge-watch popular TV series on Netflix,  like Game of Thrones or Peaky Blinders while they’re having a ‘pony and trap’.

Elon Musk develops ‘Zap-A-Butt’ device to electrocute people who spend too long on the toilet

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Entrepreneurial inventor, Elon Musk, has developed a device that can be clipped to the underside of a toilet seat that will deliver a powerful but non-fatal electric shock to people who spend unnecessary time on the toilet

The Zap-A-Butt can be triggered automatically when somebody sits on the toilet seat or can be operated manually by a person waiting outside who considers that the occupant has spent far too long hogging the smallest room.

The device will deliver an initial jolt of 40 volts but this will be increased to a short series of 100-volt hits if the recipient fails to respond to the initial advisory shock.

The device carries a warning that men who habitually take a newspaper into the toilet run the risk of having it bursting into flames as the current surges through their body.

Local man orbits Venus in converted shed

shed

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has reportedly orbited the planet Venus in a garden shed that he had converted into a rudimentary rocketship over the course of less than a dozen weekends.

Toby Dell, a gravity caster at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, blasted off into space on Monday just after midday, reaching Venus at around 2.30 pm on the following day.

According to NASA, Dell has completed an orbit of the planet and has now deployed the shed’s retro rockets to blast free from its gravitational pull.

According to his wife, Tracy, 47, he intends to attempt a brief landing on Mars on the way back, although he has expressed concerns about damaging the Ronseal creosote protective coating on his larch lap craft when he touches down on the Red Planet.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night, Mrs Dell said: “I didn’t even know he was turning the shed into a rocket.

“He certainly never mentioned it to me. I thought he was out there looking at mucky books like most men”

Dell’s mission mirrors that of a 45-year-old man from neighbouring Poplar, who, in 1987, became the first man to reach Neptune in a Borough of Tower Hamlets wheelie bin.

Local Man Dupes Wife by Using Hand On a Spring to Readjust Thermostat

thermo

A 43-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he routinely uses a joke, hand on a spring, to turn down the central heating thermostat when his wife’s not looking.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I spotted this hand on a spring device in a joke shop in Aldgate and immediately thought it would be just the thing for turning the heating down without actually walking over to it and getting a load of abuse.

“It’s been brilliant to be fair. I regularly turn it down a few notches while the missus watches telly, and, so far, she doesn’t seem to have noticed.

“She did ask me what the hand on a spring was for the other day, so I just told her it was for stroking the cat without having to bend down or get up from my armchair.”

It is estimated that the average British woman’s central heating adjustments melt the polar ice caps by 7 square miles during an episode of Homes Under The Hammer between late Spring and mid-June every year.

Crime Desk: Breaking News Update

british_bobby2

If you’ve unearthed human remains in your back garden or on your allotment, the chances are that the previous occupants were murderers.

However, on the off-chance that they are the remains of a caveman or similar, contact, The British Museum in London, or email: DemDryBones@hotmail.com for the chance of a few quid plus an opportunity to appear in the local newspaper, holding your find and looking like a complete twat 

Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told

woo

A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

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