The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told


A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

Breakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to stub out their cigarettes or knock out their pipe.

The measles vaccine caused my 3-year-old kid to slay 27 says local mother


A Whitechapel mother has told The Whelk that her 3-year-old daughter embarked on a killing spree that left 27 schoolchildren dead just 2 years after having been administered a vaccine to ward off measles

Tracy Dell, 22, told us: “It was just a day like any other. I parked my car at the top of a steep hill and left my 3-year-old daughter in the passenger seat while I went into a tobacconist to get some smokes and a Lucky Dip ticket.

“While I was in there, the kid must have released the handbrake causing the car to roll down the hill into a queue of schoolkids waiting for a bus.

“The next day, I did some internet research into kids who kill and it soon became obvious that the measles jab was wholly to blame.

“Apparently, vaccination causes all sorts of brain disorders, including, murderous psychosis

“I rue the day I took her for her shot, to be honest.

“In future, she can take her chances with killer diseases and the same goes for any other sprogs I have in the future.”

Mrs Dell asked that her fee for this interview be awarded to,

Being kicked in the testicles far more painful than childbirth claims think tank


kick in the balls
OOOYAAH! A classic ‘eye-waterer’ being delivered by a lady with super-powers in space


A government think tank report published yesterday reveals that a man who has been kicked hard in the testicles experiences significantly more pain than a woman giving birth to an average size baby.

Dr Tobias Dell, PhD, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Over the course of 6 months, a number of men were given a really meaty kick in the testicles while their pain level was being monitored on a special machine designed specifically for the task.

“We then asked them if the pain and distress they experienced was worse than childbirth, and without exception, they all agreed that it was indeed far worse.

“We didn’t ask any women for their comments because, as we all know, they are notoriously prone to exaggeration and for laying it on with a trowel to gain sympathy”

These findings come just weeks after a study by Cambridge University concluded that the toilet seat should always be left up after use, and that talking or hoovering during televised soccer matches is right up there with infanticide and terrorism.

If you’re a woman and you wish to raise any issues connected to this piece, our advice is to get to work on reducing that pile of ironing and to concentrate a bit more on knowing your place – Ed.

Local woman’s stool splash-muffling device wins design award


A Splash-Away pictured at the inventor’s home last night


A 32-year-old Whitechapel woman who has invented a device that eliminates the embarrassing, telltale ‘splashdown’ noise when going to the toilet, has won a prestigious design award from The Royal Institute of Engineers.

Tracy Dell’s, Splash-Away device has proved supremely popular, particularly with young women, keen to mask the fact that they’re having a bowel movement within earshot of their boyfriends.

The device, which resembles a large soup ladle, has already been snapped up in shops and online with over a million recorded sales during this year alone.

We spoke to Ms Dell at her home in Vallance Road last night who told us: “I got the idea for the Splash-Away after being taken short at my then boyfriend’s flat about two years ago.

“I’d just eaten a huge pie and mash supper and realised I needed a good clearout.

“I put some paper down to muffle the splashdown but the first rocket took it round the hidden bend. After that, it was like tipping a sack of spuds into a bucket.

“When I came out, he looked absolutely gutted and barely spoke to me for the rest of the evening. He broke up with me a day later.

“Hopefully, my Splash-Away will save other women from embarrassment when they’re straining the greens and will help keep relationships alive.”

Tracy will receive her award this Saturday at The York Hall Bethnal Green where it will be presented by morning TV show presenter, Lorainne Kelly, who is believed to be a big fan of the device.

Scientific Report: Saying ‘tickle ickle ickle’ during the tickling process increases recipients’ enjoyment by 27%


A scientist pictured earlier today


A report from The Institute for Science and Technology has revealed that saying the words, tickle ickle ickle while administering a tickling to another person enhances the enjoyment experienced by the recipient by a massive 27%

Scientists used over 2000 subjects in their study from all religions and ethnic groups to reach their conclusion.

Human ‘guinea pigs’ were first tickled by someone who remained mute throughout the process, and although many found the experience a fairly pleasant one, almost 90% said that their enjoyment shot up by a huge 27% when the process was repeated by someone saying, tickle ickle ickle.

These findings come after a study in 1982 by Oxford University found that zero percent of the male population used the then prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, as a masturbatory stimulant despite her success in The Falklands War.

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