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West London: Pooh activists tear down Paddington Bear statue

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Amid chaotic scenes in West London last night a mob of over 200 Winnie The Pooh activists attached ropes to the iconic statue of Paddington Bear on Platform 1 of the station which bears his name and pulled it from its plinth.

The baying mob then dragged it 100 metres to Paddington Basin and pushed it into the water, cheering wildly as it sank to the bottom of the canal.

A spokesman for the Pooh Liberation Front told newsmen: “That bear was a symbol of all that’s vile in this country.

“Unlike Winnie, he was a foreigner from a country notorious for its drugs trade and therefore serves as a constant reminder of the harm done to British coke-users down the years.

“He was also a convicted felon as we saw only too clearly in the first film about his sordid life.

“He may have made noises in public about being a marmalade enthusiast, but its an open secret that he was a clandestine honey thief.

“Why do you think Pooh was forever running out of the stuff?

“Britain smells a whole lot sweeter with this odious character at the bottom of the canal in my view.”

In other related news, the statue of Peter Pan outside Great Ormond Street Hospital in Bloomsbury was last night daubed with red paint and anti-Neverland slogans by Captain Hook militants.

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - Copy

In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

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A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

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Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

Amanda Holden addresses the nation

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In a welcome move aimed at bolstering morale and raising flagging spirits during the current emergency, TV personality and conspiracy enthusiast, Amanda Holden, last night gave a live TV address to the nation, during which she urged members of the public to avoid standing under, death-dealing lampposts which emit the covid-19 virus and to avoid handling the new twenty pound notes which feature a small lighthouse hologram that she assures us also bombards handlers with deadly 5G coronavirus rays.

Speaking from a tinfoil-lined shed at an undisclosed location, the 89-year-old, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, said: “This is a time of great trial for our nation, a time when we all have to forgo some creature comforts, such as eating and having our weekly botox shots.

“However, there are some out there for whom the lockdown is proving to be a great boon and a highly-profitable period of plenty .

“I am, of course, talking about the Jewish bankers, the Illuminati and the Grey Aliens, who are making bundles of cash while the rest of us make great sacrifices

“I can only urge you all to avoid any of the new 5G lampposts and the virus-impregnated twenty-pound notes until this is all blown over and we get back to normality”

After her address, Holden, who was forced to withdraw a 5G conspiracy-related tweet yesterday, failed to respond to media questions on why a serving soldier in the Falkland Islands has become a victim despite there being no new-style lamposts for 12000 miles and why people in India are dropping like flies despite not knowing a twenty-pound note from a knee in the groin.

If, like Amanda, you believe that 5G will give us all halitosis and vaginal dryness (mine’s particularly shocking today), give your head a little wobble and throw yourself off the nearest bridge – Ed

NEWS IN BRIEF: I’ll beat Amanda Holden’s head in says Dalai Lama

03-04-17 Dibrugarh- Dalai Lama at DU interactive session
Unholy row. A clearly furious Lama makes a ‘screw loose’ gesture during Holden outburst

In a furious outburst yesterday, His Holiness, The Dalai Lama, told newsmen that he wanted to physically attack, Britain’s Got Talent judge, Amanda Holden.

Speaking from his holiday retreat in Marbella, a furious Lama, said: “I’ve just read on the internet that Holden is endorsing the view that the coronavirus pandemic is being transmitted via lampposts, which are in turn, controlled by foreign powers in a bid to destabilise Western democracy.

“Make no mistake, if I come across her at some point I will beat her f******g head in for this, the stupid botoxed bint”

The Dalai Lama is the second religious leader to lash out at the 59-year-old celeb.

Last week, the Right Reverend John Tucker Mugabi Sentamu, Archbishop of York, told a congregation at York Minster Cathedral that he was going to go looking for Holden and “serve her the f**k up”

This piece was written in response to news that Holden is of the opinion that 5G technology is responsible for covid-19 and that lampposts are being commissioned to enable its spread through the world. No really -Ed

Fury as NHS spends £20,000 on mask for Olly Murs’s big face

Olly - Copy

There has been widespread criticism of the government’s decision to allow the National Health Service to spend 20,000 pounds on a protective mask for big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs.

The mask, which will be over 100 metres wide to accommodate the star’s enormous head width, is currently being manufactured at a bed sheet factory in Silvertown in East London.

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, having tested positive for covid 19 himself, told newsmen: “While the government realises that it is a large outlay for one individual it has to be recognised that Olly Murs is still a human being and as such he has the right to protection no matter how big his face is.”

Murs himself seemed delighted with the move last night. Speaking to reporters via a Skype link, the Dance With Me star said, “It’s great news that I’ll be getting a mask for my massive face.

“People have had a go about the expense but what they have to understand is that due to the surface area of my big face I’m far more susceptible to germs landing on it and giving me the lurgy”

In other related news, roly-poly breakfast show host, Eamonn Holmes, has also drawn criticism after asking ITV bosses for a huge pair of surgical scrubs to accommodate his massive gut and gargantuan arse.

Free theatre streaming and online libraries unfair to Brexiteers say critics

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The recent practice of offering self-isolating Brits the chance to watch plays and gain access to books online has been slammed as being unfair and not catering to the needs of the average Brexit voter.

The letters sections in a number of right-wing newspapers have been full of protestations by Brexiters, complaining that the move by theatre companies such as Shakespeare’s Globe and The National Theatre to stream live performances is catering to metropolitan liberal elites and not the average Joe.

In its leader this morning, The Sun newspaper hits out: “While it’s all fine and dandy for middle-class stockbrokers and chinless toffs to be getting an eyeful of Ibsen and Harold Pinter, what about the hardworking fella on the Clapham omnibus? He doesn’t want to sit down after a hard day’s graft with a novel by Somerset Maugham and with A Midsummer Night’s Dream playing away on the box.

“How about rerunning some of the old Jim Davidson shows on YouTube, or some Bernard Manning stand-up?

“A spot of casual racism with its foundation in genuine fascist ideology is the stuff to give the troops at a time like this”

A spokesperson for the National Theatre said last night: “We try to restrict our highbrow productions to one or two a week for the most part so that all tastes are catered for.

“Take last Tuesday night for example. We streamed a live production of To Kill A Mockingbird to cater for those who aren’t overly keen on the darkies”

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