Search

Category

showbiz

SHOWBIZ BOMBSHELL

download

Today’s edition has been sponsored by The Prince Philip Offensive Small Talk Society

Susanna Reid to be made a saint in recognition of Piers Morgan ordeal

susanna

In what many are seeing as a surprise move, the Roman Catholic church last night announced that the Good Morning Britain tv show presenter, Susanna Reid, is to be beatified and then canonised as a saint in recognition of the suffering she has endured since 2014 when she was joined on the sofa by motor-mouthed irritant, Piers Morgan, following the retirement of show stalwart, Bill Turnbull

A spokesman for The Holy See in Rome told newsmen: “Our sister in Christ, Susanna, has suffered cruelly during her stint with Morgan, and in view of this, The Holy Father has seen fit to put her forward for sainthood in recognition of her long and psychologically painful ordeal.

“Quite how she stops herself from shooting the man in the face is beyond me, and now the church feels she deserves to be worshipped and revered for eternity in recognition of her forbearance and restraint.

“If she is accepted by The Holy See she will become, Saint Susanna of Southwark which is where the show is broadcast from”

Reid will now have to satisfy the church that she has performed a verifiable miracle in order that canonisation can take place.

It is understood that she may point to the time when Morgan had a go at climate change activist Greta Thunberg for being autistic and she restrained herself from booting him in the gonads.

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

walrus
Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

Lyrics For Intellectuals #9856

THIS WEEK: White Christmas – Bing Crosby

bing white xmas

In the movie, White Christmas, Bing performed the eponymous theme tune naked from the waist down as a favour to his sexually insane co-star, Rosemary Clooney. He later confided to friends that Clooney was a ‘real goer’ and that he lost 2-stone in bodyweight due to her constant demands to be scuttled in her caravan after the day’s filming was over –  The Sunday Times Coitus Supplement

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

benny
Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

Strictly’s Len Goodman to be brought down in a controlled explosion

len

It was announced yesterday that Strictly Come Dancing legend, Len Goodman, will be brought down in a controlled explosion on the 23rd of December this year.

Goodman, 116, has become increasingly unsteady in recent years, and structural engineers have expressed concern that the ex- Strictly judge and former dancer could topple over at any time, causing damage to people in his vicinity.

Demolition experts will attach explosives to one of Goodman’s legs, the plan being to blow it off at the knee, causing his body to fall harmlessly to one side onto a piece of waste ground close to his birthplace in Bethnal Green, East London.

A close friend said last night: “It’s what Len would have wanted, in all honesty.

“He’s asked for his Strictly tuxedo to be auctioned off for charity and for there to be a special Argentinian tango night at the York Hall to commemorate his passing”.

Former Strictly colleague, Craig Revel Horwood, told newsmen last night: “It’s not before time, darling. I absolutely hated the old bastard”

 

No overtly effeminate men or hard-faced bitch queens were hurt during the writing of this article – Ed

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

whelk front whelk back

Artful Dodger Publications are proud to give you the opportunity to baulk violently at the mere thought of parting with your hard-earned dough in order to come into possession of this utterly inane anthology of satirical dross.

It contains 140 poorly-written, unfunny skits and fake news items, as well as all the pitifully unamusing characters you’ve come to loathe down the years.

So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

PS. If you do buy it at the ridiculously low, bargain price of £9.99, then we thank you most sincerely and may your God go with you.

Here’s a linkypoo:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1700490486/ref=sr_1_2?keywords=whitechapel+whelk&qid=1571452502&sr=8-2

PPS. There’s also a Kindle edition in case you’re skint or just a bit tight with money:

 

Dolly Parton Bombshell: Joleyn says she wouldn’t take singer’s man even if she paid her

dolly_parton
Worried about nothing. Dolly pictured at The Grand Ole Opry last night

The world of Country music was reeling last night as, fabled Southern belle, Joleyn, categorically refuted Dolly Parton’s inference that she was interested in taking her man.

Speaking to newsmen last night, the auburn-haired beauty insisted: “Listen, I wouldn’t touch Dolly Parton’s man with a bargepole. You couldn’t pay me enough to go with him. He just ain’t my type, to be honest.

“My beauty is beyond compare with flaming locks of auburn hair, not to mention my ivory skin and eyes of emerald green, so I don’t need to waste my time chasing a chump like him.

“If she thinks I’m going to waste my smile like a breath of spring and my voice like soft summer rain on a loser like this asshole she needs to think again.

“I can have my choice of men and I feel sorry for Dolly that she can never love again but she could do a whole lot better, especially with those hooters”

Joleyn’s outburst comes just two weeks after Country legend, Billie Jo Spears’ husband told friends that he attributed the pneumonia that affected his wife during her final days on her insistence on having sex on a blanket on damp river banks.

Olly Murs denies fathering big-faced Prince George of Cambridge

prince-george-2-600x800
Murs pictured in combative mood last night

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night furiously scotched rumours that he is the father of Prince George of Cambridge after a number of royal watchers remarked on the similarity between the singer and the massively-faced royal tot.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter from his home in Surrey, a clearly upset Murs said: “There’s no way I’m Prince George’s dad.

“I accept that he has a huge face like mine, but that doesn’t mean I’ve slept with Kate Middleton.

“I’ve only met the Duchess once when she came backstage after a gig, and although there was definitely a spark between us, I didn’t take the opportunity to give her one.

“Anyway, loads of kids of that age have big faces.

“Just look at Jacob Rees-Mogg’s youngest boy.

Even though his dad’s a rat-faced, skinny sod, the kid’s dial looks like it’s been run over by a steamroller”

A spokesman for the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge said last night: “There’s no way Olly Murs is George’s dad and if that Jeremy Kyle Show was still on the telly Prince William would take a paternity test live on air to prove it”

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑