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Jacob Rees Mogg held following ‘frenzied attack’ on Honey Boo Boo

Image result for honey boo boo
Boo Boo pictured outside Horseferry Road magistrates court yesterday

Controversial Conservative backbencher and leading Brexiteer, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has been remanded in custody by Horseferry Road magistrates after allegedly attacking, child tv personality, Honey Boo Boo, with a Victorian life-preserver – a type of wooden cudgel.

Rees-Mogg, 49, allegedly lay in wait for the youngster outside The Marriot Hotel in Westminster where she was staying during a family holiday with her parents, Mama June and Sugar Bear.

According to an eye-witness, the Tory MP for North-East Somerset, launched a frenzied attack on Boo Boo as she made her way to a waiting Uber taxi, bludgeoning her to the ground before making off towards Vauxhall Bridge.

A close friend of the Tory toff told us last night: “I’m not surprised that Jacob has battered Honey Boo Boo.

“He’s never liked her and used to slag her off in Latin whenever her show was on.

” I once saw him kick his telly screen in during an episode in which Honey was being fitted for a beauty pageant ball gown”

In 2014, Rees-Mogg was fined £150 and bound over to keep the peace after punching, American singing star, Little Jimmy Osmond, in the stomach in a restaurant in Knightsbridge.

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40-year-old local woman who featured in toilet support ad found hanged

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A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged at her home in Commercial Street last week just days after she featured in a Betterware catalogue advertisement for an aid for people who struggle to get on and off the toilet.

Tracy Dell, a part-time model who has previously appeared in a number of ads for the magazine, which features handy household gadgets and cleaning products, is believed to have taken her own life during a bout of depression which her husband believes was brought on by her being asked to advertise a product for the elderly.

Toby Dell, 42, told us: “Tracy was gutted when she was asked to do the ad.

“She had to sit on the toilet with this handrail next to it which is designed so that old grunters can heave themselves off the bog after a dump.

“She’s had to advertise some pretty dodgy stuff before, like incontinence pads and facial hair removing cream but this one really got to her in my view.”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 33-year-old man from Stepney threw himself to his death from Battersea Bridge after featuring in a local newspaper ad aimed at men suffering from erectile dysfunction.

Gibraltar to be rebuilt on Olly Murs’ big face in the event of a disorderly Brexit

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The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.

A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.

“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.

“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”

“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.

“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”

The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs

ARSE & ENTERTAINMENT

Retro red television

Not suitable for people who think Brexit will be the gateway to a land of sunny uplands and pink unicorns or the mentally sub-normal. Which amounts to pretty much the same thing really.

SHOWBIZ NEWS

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It’s a little-known fact that President Donald Trump, by his own admission, was a gifted and nimble-footed ballroom dancer, who, had his career not been tragically cut short by a bone-spur flare-up, would have gone on to reach unprecedented heights in the discipline, resulting in his being named as Time magazine’s Man Of The Year for a record 40 years in succession and then for a further half-century following his death.

It’s a sobering thought that a man who would gladly race into a besieged high school and take out a crazed gunman without a thought for his own mortality could also have achieved a perfect ’10’ from Len Goodman following an inspired paso doble at The Whitechapel Palais de Dance – Ed

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

New Year’s Honours Bombshell: Lulu to receive knighthood

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The singer pictured at The London Palladium in 1901

In a surprise move, Her Majesty The Queen has given her blessing for the bestowal of a knighthood on Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

The 107-year-old Shout singer will become, Sir Lulu of The Lake, and will be given a small castle and a problem council estate on the outskirts of her beloved Arbroath.

She spoke to newsmen from outside her home in Bermondsey in South London last night: “Well you know I feel…ALLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” she said

There was another shock in this year’s New Years Honours list when it was announced that pop icon, Olly Murs, is to receive an MBE for allowing his massive face to be used as a car park during the 2012 London Olympics.

LIFESTYLE

house on the prairie

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece I strongly suggest that you take a long, hard look at yourself – Ed

Post-Brexit Bond Films to Be Much Longer Due to 007 Passport Control Delays

Goldfinger

The makers of the iconic James Bond movies have announced that they will be at least two hours longer in duration due to anticipated delays at passport control whenever the crack secret agent is assigned a mission at an exotic European locale.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures told newsmen: “Due to Britain’s forthcoming self-imposed isolation from the European Union, we now estimate that the movies will be a lot longer than was previously the case.

“We’ve had to factor in Bond being held up at customs by surly and resentful immigration staff, who, no doubt, will really take their time processing his documents.

“There’s also a pretty good chance that more time will be wasted when they take him behind a curtain and shove their fingers up his arse”

Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, hit back at the notion last night: “Yes the films may be a bit longer, but at least we’ll have blue passports again. Even if they are being made in France.

“Universal need to believe a bit more and stop talking the country down. Especially as it’s not their country.”

The next Bond blockbuster, Dr Non, is due out in January and features EU Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, as the crazed assassin, Oddjob.

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