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GREAT LIVES #232. This Week: Mama June Boo Boo

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Mama June Boo Boo was born in Barnsley in Yorkshire at a very young age.

She weighed just six ounces at birth, but quickly piled on the pounds, tipping the scales at an astonishing thirty-seven stone four pounds just hours later after eating sixteen Krispy Kreme donuts washed down with twelve pints of heavy in the hospital canteen.

She recounts that her early years in Yorkshire were the happiest days of her life and that she often earned in excess of fifteen pounds a week as a coalminer and part-time county executioner.

In 1980, Mama met and married a slave boss from Montgomery Alabama who was on holiday in nearby Skegness.

She subsequently moved to the USA where she gave birth to eighteen illiterate children in six months, including her world famous daughter, Honey Boo Boo, who became a deep-sea trawler skipper and governor of the state pen at the age of three.

In 2004, Mama had ballooned to a colossal ninety-five stone but shed the pounds rapidly after being almost fatally harpooned while on holiday in Tampa

She now tips the scales at a healthy eighty-five stone and thirteen pounds and was recently voted Poorly-Educated Slimmer Of The Month by the Manchester Guardian.

She is currently much sought after as a model and after dinner speaker with a fanbase right across the world, including defeated US President Donald Trump, who once tweeted that she was, ‘a fine-looking woman who has been a bigly influence on my life. So fine, so fine. Tremendous’

She has now retired from public life and lives quietly on an urban farm in Mudchute in East London, where she can often be seen giving children rides on her back in the school holidays and engaging in late-night heavy petting sessions with local shopkeepers of both sexes.

From our showbiz and inbreeding correspondent

Honey Boo Boo Repaired My Car Claims Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson

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In a surprise announcement, motoring guru and host of BBC’s Top Gear, Jeremy Clarkson, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that, Honey Boo Boo, the 6-year-old star of smash hit, US TV show, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, came to his assistance after the vintage Mini Cooper he was test-driving broke down two miles from his Hampshire home.

Clarkson told our motoring correspondent: “The car was behaving perfectly, until, all of a sudden, the engine began misfiring before eventually cutting out.

“I had a look under the bonnet, but as everybody knows, I’m hopeless mechanically and can barely work out how to empty the ashtrays, so I was a bit flummoxed to say the least.

“As I stood there staring forlornly into the engine bay I heard a small voice pipe up from behind me “Hey mister, y’all havin’ a problem there?”

“To my surprise, I saw it was none other than Honey Boo Boo out of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

“I explained what the problem was, and without further ado, she opened a little pink toolbag she was carrying, took out a sequinned flat-blade screwdriver along with a diamante studded feeler gauge and began to tinker under the bonnet.

“After no more than 10 minutes she said: “Ok mister, that outta do it. Y’all can turn over the engine now”

“To my delight, the engine fired up immediately and began idling beautifully at around 850-900 rpm.

“Honey Boo Boo then explained that she’d adjusted the dwell angle of the contact breaker points and increased the electrode gap from 12/1000th of an inch to a far more suitable 16/1000th to eliminate a pre-ignition problem.

“Naturally, I offered to recompense the diminutive redneck youngster for her kindness, but she flatly refused to take a penny from me, saying: “Mama June done tole me not to tek no money from strangers.

“She done tole me that there’s some mighty strange sonsobitches out there and that if ah see me one, ah have to git while the gittin’s good and tell the deputy”

A spokesperson for the BBC said last night “We’re absolutely delighted that Honey Boo Boo came to Jeremy’s aid, although to be honest, it’s no more than we’d have expected from the inbred little madam.”

Clarkson’s revelation mirrors an incident in 1963 when TV cooking guru, Fanny Craddock had a slipping differential repaired at the roadside by Jed Clampett out of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Vigo Mortensen cast out my demon using gently corrective toe-separator, says local man

Best Toe Separators - Yoga Journal

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that the actor, Vigo Mortensen, exorcised a demon that had possessed him by using a toe separating device over the course of two days and nights during January of this year.

Toby Dell, a steel fixer from Leman Street, told our reporter: “Just after Christmas, I realised I had been possessed by a malicious entity.

“I began shouting and swearing at Father O’Brien during Sunday Mass and a foul-smelling green bile would sometimes ooze from my mouth for no reason. I knew things weren’t right when my head started turning through 360 degrees at the dinner table one night.

“My wife realised I was possessed by an unclean spirit and knew that swift action was called for.

“She chained me to the bed and called in Vigo Mortensen to see what was to be done.

“As soon as he arrived in that bedroom, I knew I was in good hands.

“He went straight to his bag and pulled out a toe-straightener which he fastened to my foot using quick-drying epoxy resin and a six-inch nail.

“He then sat next to me for two days and nights, reading a book and chatting while the demon was cleansed from my body through the now enlarged gap between my big toe and the one next to it.

“After it was over, I tried to give him a few quid, but he refused to accept the money.

“He told me that exorcising was his hobby and that he was already quite rich from playing Aragorn, Son of Arathorn, in Lord Of The Rings. He was a real gent in that respect.”

A spokesman for a secretive Jesuit society told us last night: “It’s not unusual to use gently corrective devices to cast out evil spirits, so I’m not in the least surprised that Vigo used the toe-trainer.

“I myself once purged a young woman of a foul entity from the very depths of hell by using a pair of NHS glasses with a bit of plaster over one of the lenses”

We tried to contact Mortensen for a comment yesterday but his agent told us to, ‘F**k off out of it”

West London: Pooh activists tear down Paddington Bear statue

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Amid chaotic scenes in West London last night a mob of over 200 Winnie The Pooh activists attached ropes to the iconic statue of Paddington Bear on Platform 1 of the station which bears his name and pulled it from its plinth.

The baying mob then dragged it 100 metres to Paddington Basin and pushed it into the water, cheering wildly as it sank to the bottom of the canal.

A spokesman for the Pooh Liberation Front told newsmen: “That bear was a symbol of all that’s vile in this country.

“Unlike Winnie, he was a foreigner from a country notorious for its drugs trade and therefore serves as a constant reminder of the harm done to British coke-users down the years.

“He was also a convicted felon as we saw only too clearly in the first film about his sordid life.

“He may have made noises in public about being a marmalade enthusiast, but its an open secret that he was a clandestine honey thief.

“Why do you think Pooh was forever running out of the stuff?

“Britain smells a whole lot sweeter with this odious character at the bottom of the canal in my view.”

In other related news, the statue of Peter Pan outside Great Ormond Street Hospital in Bloomsbury was last night daubed with red paint and anti-Neverland slogans by Captain Hook militants.

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

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In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

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Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

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A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

Mrs Bridges from Upstairs Downstairs schooled me in love says Vigo Mortensen

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Mortensen (right) pictured returning from his one hour of exercise with a socially distanced new squeeze last night

Danish/American heartthrob actor, Vigo Mortensen, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that Mrs Bridges, the formidable cook out of the popular 70s period drama, Upstairs Downstairs, engaged in a steamy romp with the young actor during a brief stay in London in 1972.

“I was a shy teenager when I arrived in London for a two-week holiday,” he told us. “But thanks to Mrs Bridges, I went home a skilled lover and feeling ten-feet tall.

“It began after Mrs Bridges spotted me in a cafe in Cable Street in East London

“She came and sat at my table and began to tell me that she was the cook in Upstairs Downstairs and was making over two-hundred pounds a week.

“She was a big woman but there was something about her that lit a fire within me and I didn’t hesitate when she asked me back to her place in Lambeth Palace Road.

“Within minutes of getting inside, we were tearing each other’s clothes off.

“She was still wearing her cook’s outfit and I had to struggle to undo her pinny at the back.

“Moments later, we were rolling around naked in front of a roaring log fire

“It seemed like the most natural thing in the world

“At the height of her passion, she kept calling out, “How many for dinner tonight, Mr ‘udson?”

“I left the following morning after she’d cooked me a hearty breakfast of devilled kidneys, lightly poached quails eggs, accompanied by petit fours and grilled artichoke hearts in a piquant tomato and basil sauce.

“She taught me to love that night, and to this very day, if I catch an old episode of Upstairs Downstairs on UK Gold, I have to stumble hurriedly from the room and pleasure myself to completion, my mind filled with fevered thoughts of her ample bosom and delicious whipped creampie”

Sadly, Mrs Bridges passed away in 1974, but a family member told us that she often spoke fondly of Mortensen and would remark that he’d probably play Aragorn in Lord Of The Rings one day.

Amanda Holden addresses the nation

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In a welcome move aimed at bolstering morale and raising flagging spirits during the current emergency, TV personality and conspiracy enthusiast, Amanda Holden, last night gave a live TV address to the nation, during which she urged members of the public to avoid standing under, death-dealing lampposts which emit the covid-19 virus and to avoid handling the new twenty pound notes which feature a small lighthouse hologram that she assures us also bombards handlers with deadly 5G coronavirus rays.

Speaking from a tinfoil-lined shed at an undisclosed location, the 89-year-old, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, said: “This is a time of great trial for our nation, a time when we all have to forgo some creature comforts, such as eating and having our weekly botox shots.

“However, there are some out there for whom the lockdown is proving to be a great boon and a highly-profitable period of plenty .

“I am, of course, talking about the Jewish bankers, the Illuminati and the Grey Aliens, who are making bundles of cash while the rest of us make great sacrifices

“I can only urge you all to avoid any of the new 5G lampposts and the virus-impregnated twenty-pound notes until this is all blown over and we get back to normality”

After her address, Holden, who was forced to withdraw a 5G conspiracy-related tweet yesterday, failed to respond to media questions on why a serving soldier in the Falkland Islands has become a victim despite there being no new-style lamposts for 12000 miles and why people in India are dropping like flies despite not knowing a twenty-pound note from a knee in the groin.

If, like Amanda, you believe that 5G will give us all halitosis and vaginal dryness (mine’s particularly shocking today), give your head a little wobble and throw yourself off the nearest bridge – Ed

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