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BREAKING: I’ll shift Suez Canal vessel using my big face, vows Olly Murs

Olly and Clivey
Face Off. Olly and friend pictured with Whelk sub-editor, Danny Soz last night. Pic by Inchcock.

Marine engineers struggling to free the stricken cargo vessel, The Ever Given from it’s wedged position across the Suez Canal, breathed a huge sigh of relief last night as British pop icon, Olly Murs, pledged to free the ocean-going leviathan, which weighs in excess of 200,000 tonnes, using his gigantic face.

Murs flew to Egypt last night from where he told newsmen: “I intend to use my massive dial to displace water in the canal by dipping it into the stretch of water just behind the ship, causing the level to rise extremely quickly. It’s the Archimedes principle but with my face in the canal instead of his arse in the tub.

“I’m convinced that the huge displacement caused by my enormous face will cause the Ever Given to rise upwards, forcing the stern and the bow free which will give the tugs and the heavy equipment on the bank the opportunity to haul her around until she’s facing the right direction.”

The Egyptian president, Abdel Fattah el-Sisi, was full of praise for the Dance With Me star last night,

“My country has been losing over twenty million pounds a day in lost revenue, so Olly’s intervention has been a massive boost and a real Godsend.

“The sooner he gets his enormous, moon face into that water the better as far as I’m concerned”

If successful, this will be the biggest marine rescue operation since pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, used his gigantic, high-waisted trousers to haul a stricken, Russian nuclear submarine from the bottom of The Bering Strait in 1997.

Many women feared dead following stampede as Tom Hardy opens cake shop in underpants

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Up to thirty women were killed yesterday afternoon during a frenzied stampede to see the actor, Tom Hardy, opening a local specialist cake shop wearing a tight-fitting pair of briefs.

Earlier, a crowd of over a thousand women from across East London had gathered to watch the hunky star open the shop in Whitechapel Road in his pants.

However, tragedy struck when the crowd surged forward as the scantily clad actor emerged from a limousine outside the shop in a pair of black Calvin Klein briefs.

One woman who witnessed the carnage, Tracy Dell, 54 from Thrawl Street told us: “It was absolutely horrendous, to be honest.

“As soon as Tom got out of the car there was a huge surge forward and I saw many women crushed underfoot in the melee.

“I myself trampled on at least five bitches who were standing in front of me, blocking my view of Tom’s lunchbox”

This latest tragedy comes just two weeks after a hundred women died in a similar crush-related incident as hunky Aquaman star, Jason Mamoa, opened a pie and mash shop in Shadwell wearing a fireman’s uniform.

Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

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The state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

The Passion of Harrison Ford: Actor To Become Human Cross

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Ford pictured limbering up for human cross stint last night

In a surprise move, Hollywood legend, Harrison Ford, has told friends that he will be tackling his toughest ever role this Easter when he will double as a ‘human cross’ and invite people to be nailed to him outside his home in Palm Beach, Florida.

Ford told reporters last night: “I’ve always been a deeply religious man so what better way to express my faith than to pretend to be a cross and to have members of the public nailed to me outside my home”

The Star Wars actor will be driven two feet into the ground on the day before Good Friday where he will adopt a ‘crucifix’ pose, similar to that of a scarecrow in a field.

People will then be nailed to the actor for short periods, after which, they will be asked to put their loose change in a tin positioned at the star’s feet. Ford has promised that every penny raised will be spent on drink and fancy women during Holy Week.

However, the move has attracted criticism from Christian church leaders, with The Archbishop of Canterbury calling it: “Exploitative and a blasphemous outrage”. While The Pope urged people to boycott what he called the actor’s “cynical attempt to cash in on Christ’s suffering.”

“I know his acting is pretty wooden, even at the best of times,” The Pontiff said last night, “But this is just taking the piss”

Ford’s announcement mirrors a similar move by Oscar-winning actress, Meryl Streep last Easter Monday,  when the Mama Mia star had herself fired into space attached to a rocket in what she claimed was a tribute to Jesus’s ascension unto Heaven.

Whitechapel Funerals Proudly Bring You, The Undignitarse Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
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We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just wants to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic “Cock Flasher” and the ever-popular “Minge Mate”

Whitechapel Funerals Ltd

22 Shit Street

Spitalfields

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’ oil-stained vest

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Willis pictured in pensive mood minutes before going under the knife

A team of highly-skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil stains may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing the surgery necessary to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him snuff it on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

Carols from Kings faces furious backlash over lack of lesbians

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The iconic Christmas carol service from Kings College Cambridge has been slammed for perceived bigotry after hundreds of viewers complained that there were no lesbian participants, either amongst the choir or the students reading excerpts from The Gospels.

A spokesman for the BBC, who screen the concert every Christmas Eve, explained: “We realise that we made an error by not including any lesbians in the service but it was wholly unintentional and we shall be making every effort to redress this next year. We might even throw in a few arse bandits as well, just to stress the point that we’ve got nothing against the gayers”

One irate viewer who wrote to the BBC was Toby Dell, 54, a diesel-fitter from Whitechapel in East London, who told a Whelk reporter: “I was absolutely furious that there were no lesbians present at the concert. I was bored to tears halfway through and could have really done with watching a spot of red hot, girl-on-girl clam noshing”

This latest furore comes just a week after the makers of Songs Of Praise were inundated with hundreds of viewer complaints about the lack of full-on, dwarf sex romps during a rendition of The Old Rugged Cross.

BREAKING: Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s sodden knickers

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A briefs respite. A delighted Kelly pictured last night.

There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by Scottish, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly.

A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.

An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.

A delighted Kelly told newsmen last night: “This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things”

Just three years ago, a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants, donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eamon Holmes, were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the existing iconic bridge structure.

GREAT LIVES #232. This Week: Mama June Boo Boo

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Mama June Boo Boo was born in Barnsley in Yorkshire at a very young age.

She weighed just six ounces at birth, but quickly piled on the pounds, tipping the scales at an astonishing thirty-seven stone four pounds just hours later after eating sixteen Krispy Kreme donuts washed down with twelve pints of heavy in the hospital canteen.

She recounts that her early years in Yorkshire were the happiest days of her life and that she often earned in excess of fifteen pounds a week as a coalminer and part-time county executioner.

In 1980, Mama met and married a slave boss from Montgomery Alabama who was on holiday in nearby Skegness.

She subsequently moved to the USA where she gave birth to eighteen illiterate children in six months, including her world famous daughter, Honey Boo Boo, who became a deep-sea trawler skipper and governor of the state pen at the age of three.

In 2004, Mama had ballooned to a colossal ninety-five stone but shed the pounds rapidly after being almost fatally harpooned while on holiday in Tampa

She now tips the scales at a healthy eighty-five stone and thirteen pounds and was recently voted Poorly-Educated Slimmer Of The Month by the Manchester Guardian.

She is currently much sought after as a model and after dinner speaker with a fanbase right across the world, including defeated US President Donald Trump, who once tweeted that she was, ‘a fine-looking woman who has been a bigly influence on my life. So fine, so fine. Tremendous’

She has now retired from public life and lives quietly on an urban farm in Mudchute in East London, where she can often be seen giving children rides on her back in the school holidays and engaging in late-night heavy petting sessions with local shopkeepers of both sexes.

From our showbiz and inbreeding correspondent

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