No red-blooded Englishman worth his salt has ever shown a modicum of interest in tennis, claims survey

Two male tennis lovers pictured in Mile End Park yesterday

A recent study conducted over two years by Cambridge university has revealed that not one staunch and manly Englishman has ever liked the game of tennis, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent of those questioned revealing indifference, bordering on hostility, towards the sport.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen last night: “This study shows that barely a single red-blooded male in England likes tennis, largely due to its lack of physical contact and its perceived links to high-born privilege and the upper echelons of society.

“The study also found that the one per cent of males who did actually express a liking for the sport were of a weedy aspect physically with poorly developed biceps and a fondness for flower-arranging, Kylie Minogue, and interior design”

We spoke to a number of men in and around Whitechapel yesterday all of whom seemed to bear out the study’s findings.

“One of those questioned was Toby Dell, a meat porter from Thrawl Street, who was forthright in his condemnation of the sport: “It’s a game for women and poofs” he explained.

“That’s why England have only ever produced a few useless twats that let the country down every time they step out onto the court.

“Just look at Tim Henman and that Andrew Castle, What a couple of mincing ponces they are. Personally, I would have them thrown in jail for crimes against manly humanity”

However, England did produce one player of note in the 1930s.

Fred Perry, won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship in 1936 but spoiled it when he was caught embroidering lace hankies during a break for rain at the French Championships the following year.

I’ll masturbate players at half-time to ease tension, says England boss Southgate

Cum on England. Southgate engages in foreplay with the England keeper before giving him hand relief in the dressing room during a tense World Cup qualifier

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, last night revealed that if his team appear to be under pressure at half-time during the forthcoming European Championships this summer, he will relieve any individual players that he believes have become affected by the tension by masturbating them to completion in the changing room toilets.

Speaking to the BBC’s Gary Linekar, Southgate said: “If one or two of the lads are looking a bit tight and are not playing with their usual freedom due to the importance of the occasion, I’ll be taking them into one of the changing room traps to give them a hand shandy.

“Hopefully, after blowing their cocoa, they will be able to perform with more freedom during the second half.

“It’s an old trick I learned from my former England boss, Bobby Robson, who would often take a few of the newer lads into the stalls at half-time where he would give them a vigorous pedal and crank to relieve the tension and get them playing without fear in the second half.

“He even gave me one off the wrist in the centre circle before the dramatic penalty shoot-out against the Germans in Euro ’96 because I was looking a bit nervy.

“He was a very canny operator and had the foresight to have a copy of Playboy in his kit bag which he made me look at while he gave me a rattling good Jodrell.

“He held his big coat with the fur collar in front of me so that nobody in the crowd could see and to ensure that I didn’t splash any of the other lads with spadge. It still didn’t stop me from blazing my kick over the bar mind”

A spokesman for the English Football Association said last night: “I’ve heard of managers pulling players off when they’ve not been performing on the pitch, but this is a new one on me”

SPORTS UPDATE: Prince Philip transferred to Arsenal

Up the royal Arse! Prince Philip pictured in determined mood at Arsenal’s training ground yesterday

Buckingham Palace last night announced that The Duke of Edinburgh, who has just undergone a heart op at St Bartholemew’s Hospital in London, has been transferred to struggling soccer team, Arsenal, for an undisclosed fee.

The 99-year-old Duke is being drafted in to shore up a Gunners defence that has been leaking goals this season as the club has struggled to remain in mid-table under the stewardship of boss, Mikel Arteta, and who are currently languishing in a lowly 10th place in the Premier League.

Arteta told a press conference yesterday afternoon: “We are hoping that signing Prince Philip will help to turn our season around.

“He’s a much-needed old head with years of experience on the polo field, and also, in that sport where you sit in a cart with a rug over your knees while a horse pulls you along.

“We see him as a Tony Adams-type figure who will steady the ship at a critical time for us as we look to cement a place in the top nine.

“Although, we obviously hope that he won’t be getting as pissed as a parrot on lager and Jägerbombs every night like Tony used to in the 80s”

If the Duke does provide a much-needed boost to the struggling Gunners, he will mirror the feat of his mother, Princess Alice of Battenburg, whose injury-time diving header for East London giants, West Ham United, secured a famous win for The Hammers in the 1980 FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

Underfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he wanted the Germans to win the war”.

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of sex scandals by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Strangling to be included in Tokyo Olympics, say IOC

Members of the crack Italian team pictured in training yesterday

In a surprise move, the International Olympic Committee has announced that the fringe activity of strangling will be included for the first time in the forthcoming Games in Tokyo this summer.

Strangling, a practice that goes back thousands of years and was made famous by prolific exponents such as, Albert De Salvo, the notorious Boston Strangler, and the murderous Hillside Stranglers, Bueno and Bianchi, has never before been considered for The Games on humanitarian grounds and due to the lack of competitors who were prepared to risk imprisonment or death as a result of taking part.

A spokesman for the IOC told newsmen last night: “The committee has decided to expand its sporting boundaries to include a number of lesser-known disciplines for these games and strangling just happens to be one of these”.

Competitors will be judged on style, artistic presentation and the speed in which they despatch their victims.

The American team are hot favourites for gold, although the Italians, with their long-standing garrotting background, could well run them close.

Local football club to install cardboard cut-outs of violent matchday disorder

West Ham United football club last night announced that if coronavirus is still a major issue when the season restarts on or around the 12th of September and fans are still not permitted to attend matches, they will install a number of scenes of soccer violence featuring cardboard cut-out hooligans around their London Stadium venue.

The East London club’s CEO, Karen Brady, told newsmen last night: “West Ham are determined to bring as much normality to matchdays as possible in these difficult circumstances.

“We have therefore decided to simulate the scenes of violent disorder that normally take place in and around the ground by setting up a small number of clashes between our own louts and fans from visiting clubs using cardboard cut-out figures.

“Initially, these will just feature the usual fistfights with the odd sustained kicking thrown in.

“However, when our bitterest rivals like Millwall or Tottenham are the visiting opposition we will be introducing a few cut-out figures with very serious knife injuries, and in the case of a vital cup game or a tense relegation clash, a few cardboard dead bodies will be left scattered around the area”

Ms Brady then took questions from the media but stormed off angrily when a journalist from a local newspaper asked if the club would continue selling their trademark cardboard meat pies at half-time.

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating

An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.