Local football club to install cardboard cut-outs of violent matchday disorder

West Ham United football club last night announced that if coronavirus is still a major issue when the season restarts on or around the 12th of September and fans are still not permitted to attend matches, they will install a number of scenes of soccer violence featuring cardboard cut-out hooligans around their London Stadium venue.

The East London club’s CEO, Karen Brady, told newsmen last night: “West Ham are determined to bring as much normality to matchdays as possible in these difficult circumstances.

“We have therefore decided to simulate the scenes of violent disorder that normally take place in and around the ground by setting up a small number of clashes between our own louts and fans from visiting clubs using cardboard cut-out figures.

“Initially, these will just feature the usual fistfights with the odd sustained kicking thrown in.

“However, when our bitterest rivals like Millwall or Tottenham are the visiting opposition we will be introducing a few cut-out figures with very serious knife injuries, and in the case of a vital cup game or a tense relegation clash, a few cardboard dead bodies will be left scattered around the area”

Ms Brady then took questions from the media but stormed off angrily when a journalist from a local newspaper asked if the club would continue selling their trademark cardboard meat pies at half-time.

Subbuteo World Cup to be staged on Olly Murs’ big face

In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.

“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.

“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”

Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.

“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.

“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”

This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating

An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.

Local man seated near pub dartboard felt blood run cold as woman stepped up to the oche

Avoiding the point. A man pictured watching a ladies darts match last night

A 54-year-old man who was seated close to a pub dartboard last week has told The Whelk that he felt a frisson of terror that chilled his very blood when a woman approached the oche and began removing a set of darts from a leather holder.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told us: “I was enjoying a quiet pint after work when this woman came out of nowhere and began getting her darts out.

“I immediately realised that I was in danger of losing an eye or worse.

“As she prepared to launch the first dart, I considered getting under the table until she’d thrown all three but I didn’t want to appear scared so I pretended to go to the toilet and sneaked out of the door and went home instead.

“I’ve never felt fear like it, to be honest. When I got home, I was so shaken my wife thought I’d been mugged again”

Last year alone, 257 men were badly injured by women playing pub games. Darts accounted for the large majority. However, in March, a Bermondsey man was blinded by a woman playing shove halfpenny, and in July, three men needed hospital treatment for head injuries at The Royal London Hospital after being repeatedly struck by a group of middle-aged women playing skittles in The Admiral Nelson in Cripplegate.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry about this one ladies. Our feature’s editor’s wife has divorced him and gained custody of the dog so he wanted an article that lashes out unfairly at females everywhere.

Local woman wins World Falling Over Championship for record 12th year in succession

Tripping the fantastic. A jubilant Ms Danton pictured last night

A 21-year-old wife and mother from Whitechapel has become the first woman to win the much sought after, World Falling Over Championship, for a record 12th year in succession

Joanne Danton, a business owner and mother of three, managed to fall over almost continuously for an astonishing 6 hours and 32 minutes beating her closest rival by almost 2 hours.

Joanne ‘s previous best came when she fell over for 5 hours 67 minutes in the Beijing championships of 2014, although she claims to have fallen over for a staggering 27 hours solid, without pausing to eat, sleep, drink, or go to the toilet, while at home in 2004.

Speaking to newsmen from her hospital bedside in St George’s Hospital For The Perpetually Unsteady in South London, Joanne told newsmen: “This latest bout of falling is, without doubt, my greatest professional achievement in tournament falling, although I’ve fallen over for much longer in training.

“Next year I hope to fall over continuously at the Rio games and maybe even go for a new record”

Ms Danton’s husband, Chris, was less enthusiastic when he spoke to reporters from outside their home: “It’s all very well her winning the championship year in year out, but it’s costing me a fortune in painkillers and bandages. Also, she never offers to give me a few quid towards the petrol I use on the hospital visits”

FACT CHECK: It is estimated that, somewhere in the world, a woman is falling over every 0.75 seconds unaided by blindness or excessive alcohol.

You’ve largely ignored the newspaper. Now, you can give the book a wide berth too!

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So, if you’re looking for a hilarious collection of cleverly conceived satirical writing to purchase as an early Christmas gift for a friend or loved one, I’d give this horrendous excuse for humour a very wide berth indeed if I were you -Ed.

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Furious 5th place Hamilton blames other drivers for finishing ahead of him

Hamilton, pictured last night with his customary, ‘face like a slapped arse’ when he doesn’t win

Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.

A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.

“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged

“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.

“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.

“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”

Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick

SPORTS NEWS: Mick Jagger makes a 147 break every time he plays snooker reveals bandmate

No 19th nervous breakdown for Mick as he celebrates another maximum at The Lucania snooker hall in Shoreditch

Rolling Stones legend, Mick Jagger, makes a maximum break of 147 points every time he plays a frame of snooker according to fellow band member, Ronnie Wood.

Ronnie, 109, himself a keen snooker buff, told newsmen: “Mick’s ability at the table is unreal.

“I’ve played him hundreds of times and he’s never failed to make a 147.

“He even made a 154 once when I played a foul stroke on the break-off and left Mick a free ball.

“I’ve often asked him why he doesn’t turn pro, but he shrugs it off and says he can’t be arsed with all the touring round the world that’s part and parcel of a successful player’s life these days.

“Apparently, he’s been knocking in the maximum breaks from the age of 8 when his dad used to take him down The Temperance Billiard Hall in Southwark and would use him to make a few quid in bets”

Woods’ revelation comes just two weeks after it was revealed that soul legend, Stevie Wonder, achieves a 9-dart finish every time he has a game of 501 down at his local in Detroit.

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