A recent study conducted over two years by Cambridge university has revealed that not one staunch and manly Englishman has ever liked the game of tennis, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent of those questioned revealing indifference, bordering on hostility, towards the sport.
A spokesman for the university told newsmen last night: “This study shows that barely a single red-blooded male in England likes tennis, largely due to its lack of physical contact and its perceived links to high-born privilege and the upper echelons of society.
“The study also found that the one per cent of males who did actually express a liking for the sport were of a weedy aspect physically with poorly developed biceps and a fondness for flower-arranging, Kylie Minogue, and interior design”
We spoke to a number of men in and around Whitechapel yesterday all of whom seemed to bear out the study’s findings.
“One of those questioned was Toby Dell, a meat porter from Thrawl Street, who was forthright in his condemnation of the sport: “It’s a game for women and poofs” he explained.
“That’s why England have only ever produced a few useless twats that let the country down every time they step out onto the court.
“Just look at Tim Henman and that Andrew Castle, What a couple of mincing ponces they are. Personally, I would have them thrown in jail for crimes against manly humanity”
However, England did produce one player of note in the 1930s.
Fred Perry, won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship in 1936 but spoiled it when he was caught embroidering lace hankies during a break for rain at the French Championships the following year.