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The Whitechapel Whelk

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We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic two-man bob, say Harry and Meghan

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Snow joke. The former royals pictured last night

Underfire former royal couple, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they would once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the forthcoming winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside the couple’s California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the two-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times.

“Once we’ve won gold, we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people, mainly because she was a hatchet-faced Yank and he was a Nazi fuck who wanted the Germans to win the war.

‘I’ve spoken to The Queen and she’s all for it and can’t wait to sit down in front of the box at Buck House to watch us slide our way to Olympic glory’

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of lurid sex scandals, by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.

‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.

‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.

‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.

‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.

‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.

‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’

Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.

‘Novax’ unhappy with quality of quarantine hotel hookers, says mum

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The mother of controversial tennis star, Novak Djokovic, has told newsmen that her son is not at all happy with the quality of the call girls at the Australian hostel where he is being quarantined as lawyers sort out the legal wrangle surrounding his right to enter the country.

Mrs Djokovic told reporters: ‘I spoke to him last night and he’s extremely upset at the poor quality of some of the hookers attached to the hotel.

‘He’s a huge sado-masochism and bondage fan and he told me last night that one of the girls had no handcuffs, no bullwhip, and refused pointblank when my son wanted her to wear a gimp mask, claiming she was anti-vax and had no time for all that mask nonsense.

‘He also wants to know why his application for a free, six-bedroom council house and a flat screen television has been turned down while immigrants to Britain are given these before they’ve even left their dinghies’

A spokesman for the Australian Immigration Department responded last night: ‘Listen, if this idiot things he can come waltzing into our country just because he’s got a few quid he can bloody well think again.

‘Anyway, he’s probably a war criminal. Most of those bloody Serbs are apparently’

At the time of going to press, Djokovic, dubbed ‘Novax’ on social media, had been refused permission to have the courtesy bar of soap in his room changed to one with a nicer scent.

Whitechapel wins bid to stage 2024 Olympics For The Elderly

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Disgraced pensioner, Toby Dell, pictured winning the 1999 Iron Grunter Triathlon

There was jubilation in the London district of Whitechapel last night when it was announced that the East London area would be hosting the 204th Pensioner’s Olympiad in July 2024.

The district, with an average age of 87, beat off stiff competition from a host of strong contenders worldwide, including; Miami Florida, Brisbane Australia, a small village in The Himylayas which boasts an average age of 103, and, Bournemouth on the south coast of England, which claims to sell more Phyllosan tablets per capita than any other place on earth.

The district now has to gear itself up to host over a million unsteady visitors with impaired vision, failing memories and bladder control issues.

It is estimated that building costs on public lavatories alone are expected to exceed a billion pounds.

Among the events being staged in and around the proposed new Derby And Joan Arena are: The 10000m Wandering Off Aimlessly; Throwing The Commode Cover; The 4 x 100m Having A Bit Of A Fall, and the gruelling, Iron Grunter Triathlon, where over 200 of the world’s fittest coffin dodgers will compete cheek by jowl in three taxing disciplines during which they will be required to talk about the war for over three hours before leaping onto mobility scooters to nip down to the corner shop for a nice bit of brisket.

Finally, in a punishing, lung-bursting effort, they’ll have to hold everybody up in the queue for the supermarket checkout by handing over dozens of money-off vouchers before laboriously counting out small change in an effort to ‘get rid of their coppers’.

A spokesperson for the IAAF, The Infirm and Arthritic Athletes Federation, congratulated Whitechapel on their achievement in winning the games but then went on to place great emphasis on fair play and the Corinthian spirit.

‘Strict guidelines will be in place to ensure that each event is contested on a level playing field’, he told newsmen

‘Any underhand or questionable practices will be dealt with swiftly and equitably, in keeping with the Olympic spirit”

This was clearly a reference to the ill-fated games of 1999 when 78-year-old Tobias Dell, the gold medallist and world record holder in the 100m allotment-weeding final, was subsequently tested and found to be under the influence of performance-enhancing, Wincarnis Tonic Wine.

Dell was also found to be wearing outlawed goloshes which had been treated with a slick silicone coating, enabling him to cut through the air faster as he raced up and down his vegetable plot spraying the bindweed on his Jersey Royals potato crop.

Also, at the discredited Games, the 1500m wheelchair race, the blue riband event, was badly tarnished after Klaus Himler, the German winner of the event, was discovered to have driven the entire race in a forbidden and extremely dangerous spiked wheelchair, causing several of his opponents to career from the track after having their spokes badly mangled in tight corners.

The Games will be staged during the four weeks from 17th July 2024, although brief breaks will be permitted from time to time to allow athletes to nip home to feed the cat and/or to take a nap in the afternoons.

Man Utd glory hunter from the south desperately seeking tenuous link to Chelsea

Poo Chelsea fan

A Brighton-based fan of ailing football club, Manchester United, who has always claimed that his lifelong allegiance to the club was down to a tenuous familial link to a town situated 40-miles from Manchester, has begun poring over family tree data, looking for a link to any town within a 60-mile radius of high-flying London club, Chelsea FC, before telling all and sundry that he’s been a Blues fan all his life.

Larry Jenkins, 62, has become so disillusioned by the stricken Manchester giants’ plight over recent years he has decided to switch allegiance as soon as he can establish a spurious link to the table-topping West London side.

“I’ve had it with United” he told The Sussex Argos. “I’ve made claim to an utterly spurious family tie to that club, man and boy, but enough is enough.

‘I’m going to abandon my assertion that my great uncle Bob lived on the outskirts of Sheffield and try to find someone in the family tree with a link to Chelsea, no matter how tenuous.

‘In fact, my missus once bought a top from Chelsea Girl in Hove in the seventies so I might use that one’.

Jenkins is part of a growing number of southerners with no Mancunian links whatsoever who are now desperately trying to find glory elsewhere.

Promotion-chasing East London club, Leyton Orient, has reported record shirt sales during the last six months, mainly from former United fans, desperately looking to salvage a modicum of kudos from jeering friends and work colleagues.

Editor’s Note: For our foreign readers, Man Utd are a club in the north of England, famous for having a huge fan base in the south of the country despite the fact that 99.999% of these clowns have never been further north than Tottenham Hale which is not very far north at all.

BBC win exclusive rights to live screen Gareth Southgate’s wife getting the kids their tea

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In what is being hailed as a major coup for the channel, the BBC last night announced that they have tabled a successful bid to screen England soccer boss Gareth Southgate’s wife preparing the children’s tea prior to matches in the forthcoming 2022 World Cup tournament in Qatar.

It is believed that they offered in excess of twenty-five pounds of licence payer’s money to live screen Mrs Southgate preparing the 5.00 pm meal.

She will be shown undertaking a number of tasks, which will include defrosting quick and easy meals for the kids like turkey twizzlers or frozen pizzas and putting them in the oven before pouring out their Vimto cold drinks to wash it down with.

A spokesman for the Beeb said last night: ‘We’re extremely excited about this project which will bring all the action live and direct from Mrs Southgate’s kitchen.

‘We’re hoping to use a number of our commentary team and studio analysts throughout the meal preparation, including, Gary Lineker, Roy Keane, and Mark Lawrenson, plus a token female that most men will baulk at and not take in the least bit seriously’

It is understood that the cameras will be switched off if any controversial incidents, such as food-throwing, swearing at the kids by Mrs Southgate or vomiting at the table take place as the action unfolds.

This announcement comes just a week after rivals, ITV, announced that they have made a successful bid to screen edited highlights of the England team bus driver checking his tyre pressures before setting off with the lads to the stadium.

Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

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There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

SPORT: We’ll form ‘The Big 1’ and rule the soccer world, vows West Ham United supremo

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Following the ignominious collapse of the controversial, European Super League last night, with all of the so-called, ‘Big Six’ English clubs announcing their withdrawal, East London club, West Ham United have announced that they will break away from the English Premier League at the end of this season and form an East London Super League with just themselves in it.

Hammers CEO Karen Brady, told newsmen: “We’re fed up with all the travelling and the uncertainty of results, to be honest.

“I mean, we went all the way to Newcastle the other day, lost the game and then had to come all the way back again.

After we’ve formed the ELSL, nonsense like having to play other clubs will be a thing of the past.

“When we become, The Big 1, the club will save an absolute fortune in travelling expenses, kit washing, and mowing the grass on our pitch.

“Further big savings will be made on exorbitant transfer fees as we’ll just hang on to the squad we have now until they die.

“Every season, we’ll crown ourselves league champions, without playing a single match, until we go down in history as the most successful club of all time. It’s a win-win situation, to be honest”

Fans of the high-flying Hammers are less convinced of the wisdom of the move, however.

One lifelong supporter, Toby Dell, 45, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s not a bad idea in principle I suppose but I’ll miss the pre-match booze-up, the half-time pies and the punch-ups with rival supporters afterwards.

“I suppose I could go home and have a straightener in the road with my old woman but she’s a big old sort and nearly always comes out on top”

More as we get it.

No red-blooded Englishman worth his salt has ever shown a modicum of interest in tennis, claims survey

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Two male tennis lovers pictured in Mile End Park yesterday

A recent study conducted over two years by Cambridge university has revealed that not one staunch and manly Englishman has ever liked the game of tennis, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent of those questioned revealing indifference, bordering on hostility, towards the sport.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen last night: “This study shows that barely a single red-blooded male in England likes tennis, largely due to its lack of physical contact and its perceived links to high-born privilege and the upper echelons of society.

“The study also found that the one per cent of males who did actually express a liking for the sport were of a weedy aspect physically with poorly developed biceps and a fondness for flower-arranging, Kylie Minogue, and interior design”

We spoke to a number of men in and around Whitechapel yesterday all of whom seemed to bear out the study’s findings.

“One of those questioned was Toby Dell, a meat porter from Thrawl Street, who was forthright in his condemnation of the sport: “It’s a game for women and poofs” he explained.

“That’s why England have only ever produced a few useless twats that let the country down every time they step out onto the court.

“Just look at Tim Henman and that Andrew Castle, What a couple of mincing ponces they are. Personally, I would have them thrown in jail for crimes against manly humanity”

However, England did produce one player of note in the 1930s.

Fred Perry, won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship in 1936 but spoiled it when he was caught embroidering lace hankies during a break for rain at the French Championships the following year.

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