Olympics to be paused if sufficient Americans want to go for a shit

There was consternation among worldwide viewers of the Olympic Games last night as the IOC governing body announced that The Games, already scheduled to pander to American TV audiences, would be halted for short periods if sufficient Americans were using a specifically designed app, indicating that they were going to leave the room to have a bowel movement.

In a statement issued last night, the IOC stipulated: “If we receive data, indicating that more than five per cent of viewers in The United States need to go to the bathroom for an extended period we will halt the Games immediately until all or most of them have finished.

“It will mean that swimmers must stop and do the doggy paddle for a bit, while footballers, hockey players etcetera will have to sit down on the pitch until most of the Americans have indicated via the app that are back in front of their tellys.

“Exceptions will be made for pole vaulters, if they have already started going up, and for boxers, if they are in the process of falling over following a knockout punch.

“Runners will have to pull up and wait at the side of the track, or in the case of the Marathon, they can have a rest at the side of the road or go in someone’s house for a bit of a sit-down or even to have a shit themselves.

“However, Americans needing to have a quick piss or to just grab a beer from the fridge will not be catered for. They will just have to press pause and fast forward through the boring bits like the rest of the world has to.

“We will also be asking them to keep disruption to a minimum by trying to have a good clear out before the day’s event begin and to refrain from their customary practice of throwing huge quantities of bowel-busting fast food down their greedy fat necks every five minutes.”

SPORT: We’ll form ‘The Big 1’ and rule the soccer world, vows West Ham United supremo

Following the ignominious collapse of the controversial, European Super League last night, with all of the so-called, ‘Big Six’ English clubs announcing their withdrawal, East London club, West Ham United have announced that they will break away from the English Premier League at the end of this season and form an East London Super League with just themselves in it.

Hammers CEO Karen Brady, told newsmen: “We’re fed up with all the travelling and the uncertainty of results, to be honest.

“I mean, we went all the way to Newcastle the other day, lost the game and then had to come all the way back again.

After we’ve formed the ELSL, nonsense like having to play other clubs will be a thing of the past.

“When we become, The Big 1, the club will save an absolute fortune in travelling expenses, kit washing, and mowing the grass on our pitch.

“Further big savings will be made on exorbitant transfer fees as we’ll just hang on to the squad we have now until they die.

“Every season, we’ll crown ourselves league champions, without playing a single match, until we go down in history as the most successful club of all time. It’s a win-win situation, to be honest”

Fans of the high-flying Hammers are less convinced of the wisdom of the move, however.

One lifelong supporter, Toby Dell, 45, from Whitechapel, told us: “It’s not a bad idea in principle I suppose but I’ll miss the pre-match booze-up, the half-time pies and the punch-ups with rival supporters afterwards.

“I suppose I could go home and have a straightener in the road with my old woman but she’s a big old sort and nearly always comes out on top”

More as we get it.

No red-blooded Englishman worth his salt has ever shown a modicum of interest in tennis, claims survey

Two male tennis lovers pictured in Mile End Park yesterday

A recent study conducted over two years by Cambridge university has revealed that not one staunch and manly Englishman has ever liked the game of tennis, with a whopping ninety-nine per cent of those questioned revealing indifference, bordering on hostility, towards the sport.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen last night: “This study shows that barely a single red-blooded male in England likes tennis, largely due to its lack of physical contact and its perceived links to high-born privilege and the upper echelons of society.

“The study also found that the one per cent of males who did actually express a liking for the sport were of a weedy aspect physically with poorly developed biceps and a fondness for flower-arranging, Kylie Minogue, and interior design”

We spoke to a number of men in and around Whitechapel yesterday all of whom seemed to bear out the study’s findings.

“One of those questioned was Toby Dell, a meat porter from Thrawl Street, who was forthright in his condemnation of the sport: “It’s a game for women and poofs” he explained.

“That’s why England have only ever produced a few useless twats that let the country down every time they step out onto the court.

“Just look at Tim Henman and that Andrew Castle, What a couple of mincing ponces they are. Personally, I would have them thrown in jail for crimes against manly humanity”

However, England did produce one player of note in the 1930s.

Fred Perry, won the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship in 1936 but spoiled it when he was caught embroidering lace hankies during a break for rain at the French Championships the following year.

I’ll masturbate players at half-time to ease tension, says England boss Southgate

Cum on England. Southgate engages in foreplay with the England keeper before giving him hand relief in the dressing room during a tense World Cup qualifier

England football manager, Gareth Southgate, last night revealed that if his team appear to be under pressure at half-time during the forthcoming European Championships this summer, he will relieve any individual players that he believes have become affected by the tension by masturbating them to completion in the changing room toilets.

Speaking to the BBC’s Gary Linekar, Southgate said: “If one or two of the lads are looking a bit tight and are not playing with their usual freedom due to the importance of the occasion, I’ll be taking them into one of the changing room traps to give them a hand shandy.

“Hopefully, after blowing their cocoa, they will be able to perform with more freedom during the second half.

“It’s an old trick I learned from my former England boss, Bobby Robson, who would often take a few of the newer lads into the stalls at half-time where he would give them a vigorous pedal and crank to relieve the tension and get them playing without fear in the second half.

“He even gave me one off the wrist in the centre circle before the dramatic penalty shoot-out against the Germans in Euro ’96 because I was looking a bit nervy.

“He was a very canny operator and had the foresight to have a copy of Playboy in his kit bag which he made me look at while he gave me a rattling good Jodrell.

“He held his big coat with the fur collar in front of me so that nobody in the crowd could see and to ensure that I didn’t splash any of the other lads with spadge. It still didn’t stop me from blazing my kick over the bar mind”

A spokesman for the English Football Association said last night: “I’ve heard of managers pulling players off when they’ve not been performing on the pitch, but this is a new one on me”

SPORTS UPDATE: Prince Philip transferred to Arsenal

Up the royal Arse! Prince Philip pictured in determined mood at Arsenal’s training ground yesterday

Buckingham Palace last night announced that The Duke of Edinburgh, who has just undergone a heart op at St Bartholemew’s Hospital in London, has been transferred to struggling soccer team, Arsenal, for an undisclosed fee.

The 99-year-old Duke is being drafted in to shore up a Gunners defence that has been leaking goals this season as the club has struggled to remain in mid-table under the stewardship of boss, Mikel Arteta, and who are currently languishing in a lowly 10th place in the Premier League.

Arteta told a press conference yesterday afternoon: “We are hoping that signing Prince Philip will help to turn our season around.

“He’s a much-needed old head with years of experience on the polo field, and also, in that sport where you sit in a cart with a rug over your knees while a horse pulls you along.

“We see him as a Tony Adams-type figure who will steady the ship at a critical time for us as we look to cement a place in the top nine.

“Although, we obviously hope that he won’t be getting as pissed as a parrot on lager and Jägerbombs every night like Tony used to in the 80s”

If the Duke does provide a much-needed boost to the struggling Gunners, he will mirror the feat of his mother, Princess Alice of Battenburg, whose injury-time diving header for East London giants, West Ham United, secured a famous win for The Hammers in the 1980 FA Cup Final at Wembley.

Local man ejaculated during bout of extreme nose-blowing, court told

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man yesterday told magistrates that a bout of hard nose-blowing had been behind the fact that he ejaculated onto the door of a crowded District Line tube train carriage in January this year.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Commercial Street, told the court that the sheer force of his nasal expulsions had triggered an involuntary orgasm and that he had no intention of committing an act of gross indecency.

“I was suffering from a heavy cold and just wanted to clear my nose because I was struggling to breathe,” he told Horseferry Road magistrates court.

“All of a sudden my trouser zip burst open and I inadvertently ejaculated onto the door.

“It was purely an accident,” he said, “I wasn’t even aroused.”

Sentencing Dell to a 9-month prison sentence, suspended for one year, the magistrate, Terence Carter, told the defendant: “The court proposes leniency in this instance, but if you return to this court having shot your custard in public again you can expect a substantial custodial sentence to be imposed.”

Last August, a 23-year-old woman from Pimlico in West London was fined £150 for behaviour likely to cause a breach of the peace after she had a series of shattering climaxes during a prolonged bout of coughing in the waiting room at her doctor’s surgery.

We’ll regain our place in British hearts by winning Olympic 2-man bobsleigh gold, say Meghan and Harry

Underfire royals, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle last night roared out a defiant message to the British people that they will once again become the Duke and Duchess of hearts by winning a gold medal for Great Britain in the next winter Olympic Games,

Speaking to reporters last night outside their California home, Harry said: “I know the British people are feeling a bit let down that Meghan and I have ceased our royal duties but we aim to put that right by winning a gold medal in the Olympics in the 2-man bobsleigh event.

“We’ve already started practising on the slide that goes into our pool and we’ve clocked up some pretty impressive times already.

“Once we’ve won gold we’ll come back to Britain as heroes, not like Edward and Mrs Simpson who were never accepted by the British people because she was a hard-faced old slapper and he wanted the Germans to win the war”.

If successful, the Sussexes will equal the feat of Princess Margaret and her husband, Lord Snowdon, who won back the love and respect of the British public following a string of sex scandals by winning a silver in the 1964 Tokyo Olympics as a tag team in the light-heavyweight, Greco-Roman wrestling.

Strangling to be included in Tokyo Olympics, say IOC

Members of the crack Italian team pictured in training yesterday

In a surprise move, the International Olympic Committee has announced that the fringe activity of strangling will be included for the first time in the forthcoming Games in Tokyo this summer.

Strangling, a practice that goes back thousands of years and was made famous by prolific exponents such as, Albert De Salvo, the notorious Boston Strangler, and the murderous Hillside Stranglers, Bueno and Bianchi, has never before been considered for The Games on humanitarian grounds and due to the lack of competitors who were prepared to risk imprisonment or death as a result of taking part.

A spokesman for the IOC told newsmen last night: “The committee has decided to expand its sporting boundaries to include a number of lesser-known disciplines for these games and strangling just happens to be one of these”.

Competitors will be judged on style, artistic presentation and the speed in which they despatch their victims.

The American team are hot favourites for gold, although the Italians, with their long-standing garrotting background, could well run them close.

Local football club to install cardboard cut-outs of violent matchday disorder

West Ham United football club last night announced that if coronavirus is still a major issue when the season restarts on or around the 12th of September and fans are still not permitted to attend matches, they will install a number of scenes of soccer violence featuring cardboard cut-out hooligans around their London Stadium venue.

The East London club’s CEO, Karen Brady, told newsmen last night: “West Ham are determined to bring as much normality to matchdays as possible in these difficult circumstances.

“We have therefore decided to simulate the scenes of violent disorder that normally take place in and around the ground by setting up a small number of clashes between our own louts and fans from visiting clubs using cardboard cut-out figures.

“Initially, these will just feature the usual fistfights with the odd sustained kicking thrown in.

“However, when our bitterest rivals like Millwall or Tottenham are the visiting opposition we will be introducing a few cut-out figures with very serious knife injuries, and in the case of a vital cup game or a tense relegation clash, a few cardboard dead bodies will be left scattered around the area”

Ms Brady then took questions from the media but stormed off angrily when a journalist from a local newspaper asked if the club would continue selling their trademark cardboard meat pies at half-time.