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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Technology

Simon Cowell to be fired to the edge of space using his big trousers

simon

Pop entrepreneur and TV personality, Simon Cowell, is set to join the likes of Amazon mogul, Jeff Bezos, and Virgin Media boss, Richard Branson, who have recently embarked on multi-million-pound space trips, by being fired to the very edge of space using a specially-designed catapult, which, when attached to the braces on his massive, high waistband trousers will hurl him skywards at speeds in excess of two thousand miles per hour.

Speaking to newsmen last night, Cowell, 87, said: “Ever since I was a kid, listening to David Bowie’s Space Oddity on my transistor radio, I’ve been fascinated by space travel, so this opportunity to be catapulted to the very edge of the Earth’s atmosphere using my huge trousers as a rudimentary slingshot really is a boyhood dream come true.

Cowell is scheduled to be launched from his back garden on October 10 this year, wearing a specially designed helmet linked to an oxygen tank on his back.

The daring mogul will also be coated with a high factor sunscreen in case he ventures too close to the sun, although he has told friends he hopes to avoid that pitfall by going at night.

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Local Woman Falls in Love With Google Pegman

pegman
Roadmap to romance? Pegman pictured playing it cool last night

A 52-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she has fallen in love with the little yellow pegman figure that is used to navigate the streets on Google Maps Streetview.

Tracy Dell, a secretary in a local forklift truck company, told us: “I first realised I had feelings for the Google Pegman when I was planning a family holiday in Mablethorpe in Yorkshire.

“I was using him to negotiate some of the roads leading down to the beach when I began to notice how attractive he was.

“Over the next few weeks, I fell head-over-heels and began fantasising about sleeping with him and wondering if he’d be a considerate and tender lover.

“I tried to make him notice me by using Google Maps while wearing a variety of saucy outfits but he seemed impervious to my charms.

“I’m now wondering if he might be gay and whether it would be worth my while dressing up as a fireman”

Ms Dell’s confession comes exactly 30 years after a 40-year-old woman from Shoreditch divorced her husband after she came home early and found him engaged in a saucy, aural sex romp with British Telecom’s, ‘The Speaking Clock’.

BREAKING: Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired using Lorraine Kelly’s sodden knickers

Lorraine-Kelly
A briefs respite. A delighted Kelly pictured last night.

There was an early Christmas present for the long-suffering residents of Hammersmith and Fulham earlier today when the council announced that the stricken Hammersmith Bridge, which has been closed to all traffic due to structural compromises since 2018, is to be restored to its former glory by shoring up the huge cracks that have appeared in the structure with over a thousand pairs of knickers discarded into the Thames by Scottish, daytime TV legend, Lorraine Kelly.

A recent dredging of the Thames at nearby Putney uncovered over a tonne of Kelly’s undergarments which she has been throwing from the bridge on a daily basis since the late 1990s rather than having to go through the process of washing them and putting them in the tumble dryer.

An enterprising civil engineer has hit upon the idea of forcing the sodden knickers into the cracks on Hammersmith Bridge before drying them off with a hairdryer until they take on the structural properties of reinforced concrete.

A delighted Kelly told newsmen last night: “This is wonderful news for the people of Hammersmith and a real boost for me to know that my worn undercrackers are being used to improve the lives of the local people who have suffered for so long, the puir wee things”

Just three years ago, a pair of outsize Y-Front Jockey underpants, donated by roly-poly TV presenter, Eamon Holmes, were used to provide a temporary road bridge across the River Severn during construction work on the supports of the existing iconic bridge structure.

Bill Gates now has full control of vax woman, says Amanda Holden

cheerful senior mother and adult daughter using smartphone together
Holden (right) explains to a Sunday Times journalist how Bill Gates’ latest software update has rendered her sexually insane

Britain’s Got Talent judge and confirmed covid conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, last night told newsmen that Britain’s first recipient of the Phizer covid-19 vaccine, 92-year-old, Margaret Keenan, is now completely under the control of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, due to a genetic chip implanted in the vaccine

Holden, 75, explained: “Gates now has full control of Mrs Keenan just as he will have control over anyone who takes this vaccine.

“I saw that poor lady’s eyes glaze over as soon as the nurse gave her the shot. She then attempted to pull her sleeve down, probably to conceal the fact that the skin close to the site was bubbling a bit as the genes started to take effect, proof positive that mind control had begun.

“I also noticed she had trouble getting out of her chair and had to be helped to walk out of the room by a nurse, a clear indication that Gates was controlling her leg moments.

“I expect he uses a remote control with a joystick from his front room or something like that.

“He’ll be offering her kidnapped baby blood to drink soon, probably by the weekend, to keep her in good shape and young-looking.

“He already does if for Tom Hanks and George Clooney.

“I’m almost tempted myself in actual fact but I think I’ll stick to the Botox shots. I mean you know where you are with those don’t you?”

Mrs Keenan responded last night in a brief statement to Reuters news agency. She denied being under Gates’ control and referred to Holden as ‘a fucking idiot’

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SURVEY: Correct banana-peeling technique is internet’s greatest achievement

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A recent worldwide survey has revealed that the correct way to peel a banana, ‘like monkeys do’ is the most widely-learned online skill since the worldwide web became accessible to the average man in the street around twenty years ago.

A close second was learning how to hang wallpaper so that the pattern matches up, followed by the correct method and timing to use when poaching an egg so that it doesn’t end up as hard as tungsten steel or resembling a teenage boy’s spadge.

On the general knowledge front, Darwin’s theory of evolution emerged top, followed by knowing the approximate age of Coronation Street’s veteran actor, Ken Barlow and the fact that Donald Trump’s a massive arse hat.

Source: The Are You OK Hun Gazette

Billion-dollar Space X launch delayed after it ‘gets a bit blowy’

rocket
Elon we have a problem. A dejected Space X astronaut walks away from his rocket yesterday

Cape Canaveral Wednesday 4.17 EST:  The eagerly anticipated launch of billionaire, Elon Musk’s Space X rocket ship was abandoned this afternoon when the latest forecast from the meteorological office predicted the chance of light winds and the prospect of a few scattered rain showers around launch time

A spokesman for NASA told newsmen: “The met boys are telling us that it could get a bit blowy with a few showers around blast-off time so we’re going to hold off until it clears up a bit.

“We just can’t run the risk of being blown off course and ending up in the wrong galaxy or Wisconsin after all the cash Mr Musk has shelled out on the project.

“Also, the rain could impede the astronaut’s vision through the windscreen and they could end up going the wrong way, especially if the wipers pack up.

“We’ll have another crack at it on Saturday when it’s supposed to be quite nice with a bit of broken cloud and a few sunny spells”

The delay wasn’t appreciated by President Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence, who had travelled from Washington to witness the launch of the first US space mission in 10-years.

“Trump launched a Twitter tirade against Musk, calling him, ‘a losing deadbeat’

While Pompeo was overheard ranting at a NASA scientist, accusing the mission control technicians and the astronauts of being, ‘a bunch of lousy fags”

This latest event is in stark contrast to Scotland’s highly-successful maiden space voyage last year when they launched, Buckfast One in the middle of a June blizzard with both astronauts 6-times over the drink/drive limit. 

Amanda Holden addresses the nation

amanda the sentinel

In a welcome move aimed at bolstering morale and raising flagging spirits during the current emergency, TV personality and conspiracy enthusiast, Amanda Holden, last night gave a live TV address to the nation, during which she urged members of the public to avoid standing under, death-dealing lampposts which emit the covid-19 virus and to avoid handling the new twenty pound notes which feature a small lighthouse hologram that she assures us also bombards handlers with deadly 5G coronavirus rays.

Speaking from a tinfoil-lined shed at an undisclosed location, the 89-year-old, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, said: “This is a time of great trial for our nation, a time when we all have to forgo some creature comforts, such as eating and having our weekly botox shots.

“However, there are some out there for whom the lockdown is proving to be a great boon and a highly-profitable period of plenty .

“I am, of course, talking about the Jewish bankers, the Illuminati and the Grey Aliens, who are making bundles of cash while the rest of us make great sacrifices

“I can only urge you all to avoid any of the new 5G lampposts and the virus-impregnated twenty-pound notes until this is all blown over and we get back to normality”

After her address, Holden, who was forced to withdraw a 5G conspiracy-related tweet yesterday, failed to respond to media questions on why a serving soldier in the Falkland Islands has become a victim despite there being no new-style lamposts for 12000 miles and why people in India are dropping like flies despite not knowing a twenty-pound note from a knee in the groin.

If, like Amanda, you believe that 5G will give us all halitosis and vaginal dryness (mine’s particularly shocking today), give your head a little wobble and throw yourself off the nearest bridge – Ed

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