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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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The natural world

Whelk Appeal: Save Our Office Cat

fat cat
The state of play in the newsroom earlier

This is an appeal on behalf of the office cat, Mrs Bastard.

The editorial staff came on shift last night to find the office cat from the company next door, ‘Gullysuckers Drains Inc’, had broken in and was sitting on top of our own Mrs B, demanding a ransom for her release from a grisly, bonecrushing demise.

We are therefore appealing to Whelk readers to dig deep in order to save this poor creature from her fate.

We have asked the chief executive of Gullysuckers if he could intervene but he told us to ‘f**k off out of it’

Send cash money, krugerrands or bankers drafts to:

The Head Barmaid
The Mrs Bastard Appeal Fund
The Blind Beggar
Whitechapel Road
London E1

Thanks very much – Ed

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney clangers car

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece featuring little, knitted space creatures, I’d stop putting the methylated spirit on your Corn Flakes if I were you – Ed

Farage made me dress as Trump during saucy romp says, Iain Duncan Smith

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Saucy. Duncan Smith last night

Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.

Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.

“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.

“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.

“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.

“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.

“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.

“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.

“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.

“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.

“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”

Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.

Family of five eaten after local lion-tamer worked from home

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Dave the lion pictured enjoying a family member during yesterday’s carnage

Tragedy struck in a quiet Whitechapel Street yesterday when a circus lion that was being kept in a garden shed by its keeper killed and ate the man’s wife and four children.

Lion-tamer, Toby Dell, 42, from Vallance Road, told a Whelk reporter that he’d been working from home due to the lockdown and that the beast called Dave had escaped while he was out on his daily exercise.

A visibly shaken Mr Dell told us: “I can’t believe this has happened, to be honest.

“I came back from my half-hour walk and found the place empty.

“I looked everywhere but there was no sign of the wife and kids.

“Then I went out into the garden and spotted all these bones strewn around.

The shed door was wide open and Dave was fast asleep, laying in a sunny spot on the patio

“I knew it was the wife and kids because Dave had spat their clothes out. I suppose he didn’t want to get the material stuck in his throat.

“I realise I probably shouldn’t have brought him home but I didn’t want him turning wild during the lockdown after all my hard work down the years in taming him.”

Following the incident, the lion was shot with a tranquiliser dart and removed to a safari park where he has reportedly killed a roe deer, several local dogs and attacked a family of three in their Toyota Prius.

Local man practising relaxation technique attacked by giant squid

cattle fish

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told a Whelk reporter that he was attacked and badly injured by a giant squid as he was trying to ease his concerns about the coronavirus outbreak by immersing himself in a relaxing fantasy in which he was swimming with dolphins

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I’ve been pretty stressed out lately, what with all this virus business, so I decided to try a relaxation technique that I’d spotted online where you imagine yourself swimming underwater with dolphins.

“I was gliding gracefully through the water with this pod of around five or six bottle-nosed dolphins when, without warning, this giant squid shot out from behind a rock and started crushing me half to death with its tentacles.

“Fortunately, I was carrying a spear gun and I shot the creature in the eye causing it to release its grip and swim off a bit lively.

“I’ll probably just seek counselling or try to face up to things from now on”.

This incident comes just a week after a man from neighbouring Spitalfields was savagely gored by a bull as he was trying to achieve inner peace by imagining himself walking through a sunlit meadow

WEATHER UPDATE: Whitechapel battered by Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair

See the source image
Whitechapel in all its splendour before the furious onslaught of the Thunder Bastard

It is being reported that the London district of Whitechapel has been battered by the storm dubbed the Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair and that significant damage to property has been suffered.

Bill Giles at the Met Office told BBC viewers this morning: “Sadly, Whitechapel has borne the brunt of the Thunder Bastard and a number of homes have been blown down during the night.

“It’s too early to say if there’s been any loss of life as it’s still a bit dark outside but we’ll have a look on the CCTV for any bodies lying in the street when it’s a bit lighter”

In related news, Bermondsey in South London also bore the full fury of the Thunder Bastard with residents reporting that thousands of pounds worth of improvements have been made.

Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

BREAKING: Amazon rain forest to be replanted on Olly Murs’ big face

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The fire-ravaged Amazon rain forest is to be replanted on the enormous face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, it was announced last night.

A spokesman for the Brazilian government told a news conference in the capital, Brazilia: “We’ve decided to leave the present rain forest to burn and plant a new one on Olly Murs’s big face.

“We’ve spoken to Olly and he’s agreed to lie down alongside the old rain forest while a team of tree-planters move in and plant millions of saplings on his face.

“We estimate that by 2040, we’ll have at least three million square kilometres of new trees on his massive forehead with another two million or so on his chin.

“We’re going to leave the area around his eyebrows and that bit under his nose so that monkeys don’t cause him discomfort by having a shit in his eyes and mouth”

If successful, this project will rank as the most ambitious ecological rescue act since The Great Barrier Reef was protected from further pollution damage in 2012 by being completely covered with a pair of Simon Cowell’s gigantic, high-waisted trousers.

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