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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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The natural world

Whitechapel braces itself for Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death

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Prepared. A wooden post braces itself in readiness as a local woman runs like merry f**k

The London district of Whitechapel is preparing to batten down the hatches as weathermen warn of a destructive Atlantic front, dubbed, The Thunder Bastard Baby-Crusher Storm of Terror and Death, which is predicted to wreak its full fury on the area during the early hours of tomorrow morning.

A Met Office spokesman told newsmen: “We expect the Thunder Bastard to hit the west coast at around 22.00.

“There will undoubtedly be widespread disruption to services along with structural damage to many unimportant areas like Cornwall and Gloucestershire before it reaches London shortly after midnight.

“We strongly advise all Londoners to wrap up warm in their best cashmere pyjamas and to ensure that emergency supplies of Prosecco and petit fours are on hand in case supply routes to their local Waitrose or delicatessen are affected in the days to follow.”

According to storm-tracking equipment, the Thunder Bastard will swing north later on in the day, reaching the Scottish border by late afternoon on Friday, causing millions of pounds worth of improvements across the entire region as it sweeps north towards Aberdeen.

Local woman completely unaware she has given wood pigeon deep-vein thrombosis

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Endangered: Mrs Dell’s pigeon, ‘Elephant Jim’ pictured on its way out yesterday

A 72-year-old Whitechapel woman who has been feeding a wood pigeon with bacon scraps and fat, trimmed from meat joints for years is blissfully unaware that she is responsible for the creature’s chronic deep vein thrombosis or that she has increased its risk of having a heart attack or stroke by at least 400%.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a retired shop assistant, told The Whelk: “He loves his bacon does that bird and he visits my garden special to get it.

“He loves a bit of fat from the Sunday joint too. Lamb’s his favourite. It greases his lungs and keeps him regular”.

When we pointed out that the bird had already lost a leg due to a thrombosis-based issue that she was the root cause of, and that the high-fat diet she was exposing it to would increase its risk of a coronary episode a hundredfold, Mrs Dell became defensive and pooh-poohed the idea

“I used to give my husband Toby a very high-fat diet and he lived until he was almost 39” she explained.

Self-knightings in Whitechapel reach all-time high

 

 

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Sir Tobias pictured in imperious mood down the pub last night

According to recent figures, 99 per cent of all males living in Whitechapel are now self-dubbed knights of the realm

The surge of popularity in self-knighting is believed to have been triggered by the enormous financial success of self-published authors and the widespread acclaim that they now enjoy.

One self-appointed knight, Sir Tobias Dell of Aquitaine, told us: “It was a bit of a tricky one, tapping myself on both shoulders with the sword without swapping hands, but I got there in the end.

“The wife’s so impressed she wants me to wear a suit of armour when we have sex, but I told her it would be too noisy and would make the old clean-up afterwards a bit  tricky”

There have been one or two dissenting voices, however.

Acclaimed naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, slammed the practice last night: “How can these people just appoint themselves without so much as a by-your-leave?

“I was 60-odd before I got my knighthood and I had to spend over 49 years sweating my bollocks off in jungles, not to mention freezing them off in the Antarctic and suchlike.

“I even got whacked round the head by a silverback lowland gorilla once. I nearly shat myself, I don’t mind telling you”

This latest development comes just 6 months after a number of women in neighbouring Aldgate appointed themselves Queen Beatrice of The Netherlands

Don’t try this at home – Sir Editor of The Lake

Endangered white rhino now totally extinct in Whitechapel

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Dorset Street in Whitechapel pictured last night with no white rhinos in it

The World Wildlife Fund announced last night that the critically endangered white rhino is now totally extinct in the Whitechapel area.

A spokesman for the organisation told The National Geographic Society: “No white rhinos have been spotted in Whitechapel for over two weeks.

“It is therefore with great sadness that we must assume that they are now extinct in the region.

“Hunting is probably the main cause, although the creatures’ favourite feeding areas around the bins at the back of pie and mash shops have been decimated by recent closures due to a pre-Brexit mash shortage.”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by The Zoological Society in London, that the extremely rare, Sumatran elephant, is almost extinct in the neighbouring district of Cripplegate, with only 2 breeding pairs left in the swing park just off Bygrove Street.

Furious elderly man hits out at ‘no tits’ Nat Geo channel

 

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Simply the breast. Nat Geo in the good old days

A 93-year-old man was furious yesterday after spending the previous evening watching the National Geographic Channel without catching a glimpse of any topless native women in any of the screened documentaries

Speaking from his home in Leman Street in Whitechapel, East London, Toby Dell, a retired forklift truck driver, told us: “Back when I was a boy, we used to buy a copy of National Geographic purely to have a good look at the tits on the women from lost tribes of the Amazon and suchlike.

Admittedly, they weren’t much to look at, some of them had those big stretched out lips and bones through their noses, but tits are tits at the end of the day.

“I’ve now cancelled my subscription with Virgin Media and have written to National Geographic, expressing my anger at the quality of their content.”

A spokesman for the channel responded last night: “We’re sorry that Mr Dell was dissatisfied with our programming on the night in question.

“As an act of goodwill, we have sent this gentleman a copy of our 1967 magazine which features a number of female members of a lost tribe from Sumatra, fishing with sharpened bits of wood with their bare baps and arses on display”

Baby orangutans completely failing to express gratitude towards people battling to save their arses

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Animal behaviourists are convinced that under-threat baby orangutans are not in the least bit grateful that conservationists and zoologists are actively engaged in saving them from extinction.

A spokesman for The Royal Geographic Society told us: “As far as I’m aware, not one juvenile orangutan has ever expressed a modicum of gratitude that efforts are being made to preserve their habitat and to save them from extinction.

“It’s pretty disheartening, to be honest with you”

Internationally acclaimed naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, backed up the theory last night: “I’ve come across hundreds of young orangutans in my time, and not once has an individual ever thanked me for all the work I and others do to protect their species.

“I’ve half a mind to leave the ungrateful little sods to their fate and direct my energies towards animals that actually appreciate the efforts that are being made on their behalf, like gibbons and those great big fuck off tortoises you get on the Galapagos Islands”

Crime Desk: Breaking News Update

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If you’ve unearthed human remains in your back garden or on your allotment, the chances are that the previous occupants were murderers.

However, on the off-chance that they are the remains of a caveman or similar, contact, The British Museum in London, or email: DemDryBones@hotmail.com for the chance of a few quid plus an opportunity to appear in the local newspaper, holding your find and looking like a complete twat 

Fly’s incessant buzzing ceased the very instant local man reached for spray can

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A bastarding bastard pictured last night

A 37-year-old Whitechapel man last night told a Whelk reporter that a housefly that had been plaguing him for over an hour miraculously fell silent immediately after he’d picked up a can of fly spray and removed the plastic top

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Bethnal Green Road, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching the England v Tunisia match when this fly started buzzing around my head

“As time passed, the buzzing seemed to get louder and louder; then it started landing on me from time to time.

“I had it on my head, my leg, on the back of my hand, and even in my ear.

“I’m an animal lover at heart, but I wanted this fly dead so much I could taste it.

“I reached for the spray, gave it a shake and took the lid off and immediately the buzzing stopped.

“I was furious. I turned the telly off and strained to listen, but there was nothing.

“Eventually, I gave up and just sprayed the entire room on the off chance of killing the fucker. I pray that I did and that it’s now condemned to some kind of diabolical fly Hades where it will languish in agony for all eternity”

It is estimated that thwarted fly-killing causes the deaths of over 2 thousand Londoners per year, with many succumbing to heart-related deaths during the chase, and even from falling out of windows as they’ve frantically pursued the creatures around the room with a rolled-up newspaper or a battery-operated tennis racket-style ‘zapper’.

Britain’s flying ants wish the weather would stop fannying about

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Billions of the country’s flying ant population are being frustrated by the constantly changing weather conditions this spring.

In late April, unseasonably hot temperatures saw over 3 billion ants massing beneath garden patios in readiness to force themselves up through cracks in the cement grouting before swarming annoyingly around people on sun loungers and landing on paper plates containing barbecued food.

However, much to their annoyance, plunging temperatures and heavy downpours thwarted their plans.

Last week, the creatures had their hopes dashed once more as a brief hot spell was followed by a cool northerly breeze which kept temperatures down into the high teens despite the strong sunshine, forcing millions to trudge disconsolately back to their nests.

A leading entomologist, Professor Tobias Dell from Cambridge University, has called for people to be patient and to wait for the warmer weather with strong sunshine which is predicted for the forthcoming Spring Bank Holiday: “With temperatures set to reach 29 degrees on Bank Holiday Monday, we fully expect the irritating little bastards to be out in force, so I’d prepare to get busy pouring kettles of boiling water over them if I were you.”

This news comes hot on the heels of a warning from The British Entomology Society, that due to an unseasonably mild winter, this year’s daddy longlegs population will emerge 2 months early and will be the size of golden eagles.

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