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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Ask Menopausal Meg: The Hormonal Agony Aunt From Hell

 

meg
“Your evening primrose oil or your life, mate!”

 

Dear Meg

I’m a 25-year-old male who, despite being reasonably attractive, still hasn’t slept with a girl. My problem lies in the size of my penis which is only 4″ long when erect.

Despite having had quite a few girls show an interest in me, I’m scared that once they see me naked it will put them off and that they might even laugh at me.

Please help me Meg as I’m a kind person who has so much love to give if only I could find a way past this small problem.

Toby Dell
Whitechapel
London E1

********************

Dear Toby

“Small problem” being the operative word, you snivelling, insignificant, dickless wonder!

Why don’t you just accept the fact that you’re a pathetic, laughable excuse for a man and leave the female population to get themselves serviced by men that don’t have to masturbate using a microscope and a pair of tweezers?

I bet you’re one of these pathetic little worms that won’t go in the showers at the rugby club until all the other real men have gone home, aren’t you? Scared that they’ll catch a glimpse of your little soldier and start calling you “Mr Stumpy”

You make me sick to the pit of my stomach, do you know that? So-called, ‘men’ like you should be drowned in a bucket at birth by the midwife as soon as they spot your inadequacy.

In point of fact, why don’t you just end it all and do the rest of humanity a favour? Either that or go and earn a living in a circus freak show billed as The Human Cigarette Butt

I hope this has been of help to you Toby

Kind Regards

Meg Blobstrop (Miss)

London E1

Menopausal Meg is an associate director of The Nasty Bastards & Hot Flushes Appreciation Society

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Yahoo mail to be blown up by demolition experts

 

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Fail Mail: Yahoo Mail pictured in happier times

 

Troubled email provider, Yahoo, is to have all its accounts destroyed in a controlled explosion later on today.

It is understood that 5 tonnes of plastic explosive will be used in the operation, which will hopefully clear a space on the internet for the expansion of more successful providers, such as, Gmail and Outlook.

The blast will take place at 15.00 GMT and Yahoo clients are being advised to remain logged out of their accounts during the operation.

The East London demolition company carrying out the work, Dell Tracy Ltd, issued a statement last night: “We advise all Yahoo email users to stand at least 300 metres away from their laptop or device while we carry out the explosion.

“There may be a limited amount of falling debris, such as fragments of adverts and photographs, but hopefully there will be minimal disruption and danger to users.

“Although, people who haven’t cleared their inboxes for a while may have to dust a few stray viagra ads and the odd piece of weather forecast debris from their keyboards and screens”

Yahoo clients will be hoping there’s no repetition of the tragic events of 2005 when 5 internet surfers lost their lives and more than a hundred were injured during the ill-fated demolition of Google +.

BREAKING

Meghan Markle to hand in her guns at The Lord Mayor’s office in pre-wedding ceremony

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Meghan pictured being a mite too onery earlier this week

Prince Harry’s fiance, American actress, Meghan Markle, will hand in her twin, pearl-handled Colt 45s and her scattergun to The Lord Mayor of London in a solemn pre-wedding event just an hour before she ties the knot with Harry at Windsor Castle on May 19.

Meghan, who regularly practices her ‘gunplay’ by shooting cans off her back fence and putting holes through silver dollars tossed into the air by Prince Philip, is believed to be upset at parting with her beloved ‘shootin’ irons’ but understands that the move, which has been instigated by advisors to the Royal Family, is a sensible one in case she and Harry have a row and she ends up filling him full of lead.

It is believed that Meghan is also unhappy at an earlier Palace directive which stipulates that she must tie her horse to the railings outside Buckingham Palace before she joins The Royal Family for the traditional Sunday evening blackjack and redeye sessions in The Billy The Kid Suite.

Trump’s face on a hot cross bun cured my dandruff: Local woman’s shock claim

 

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Bunderful. A hot cross bun indulging in some innocent locker room talk last night

 

From our currant affairs editor, Danny Soz

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman has made the astonishing claim that her chronic dandruff, which has plagued her since early childhood, has now completely cleared up, due, to what she believes to be, the miraculous healing powers of a likeness of US President, Donald Trump she spotted in a hot cross bun.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of 4, told newsmen: “I arrived back from Lidl last Friday and decided to eat one of the hot cross buns I had bought earlier.

“To my surprise, the face of Donald Trump was clearly visible in the corner of one of them. There was no doubt about it. Two of the currants were his eyes and a burnt orangey section at the top was his hair.

“Almost immediately, a bright light flooded the kitchen and I felt a burning sensation on my scalp.

“I heard a voice cry out: “Dandruff! You are banned from this woman until we find out what the hell’s going on. Make her scalp great again”

“After I’d calmed down a bit, I looked in the mirror and my dandruff had completely cleared up. It’s a miracle and I can’t thank Mr Trump enough.

“Like almost everybody else in Britain, I hated Trump’s guts big time and I was going to bare my arse and throw bottles of piss at him when he visits this country in November, but after this, I’ll just stay home and watch it on the telly instead”

Mrs Dell’s revelation comes exactly 25 years after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch was cured of long-term irritable bowel syndrome after spotting the face of Ronald Reagan on the burnt surface of a custard tart.

Local woman escorted from pub following impertinent and unseemly, football-based opinion shocker

 

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Unruly women getting ideas above their station in the olden days

 

A 27-year-old woman had to be led from The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London, in disgrace on Saturday afternoon after voicing an opinion on the tactics being employed by West Ham United boss, David Moyes, during the team’s 3-1 defeat at Brighton and Hove Albion.

Tracy Dell, an accounts manager, spoke out of turn after watching The Hammers concede a third goal in the 2nd half on the pub’s television.

According to witnesses, Ms Dell became agitated at this point and impertinently opined loudly that the side were showing a lack of cohesion at the back and that the 2 fullbacks should be given free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

At this point, the landlord intervened and escorted Ms Dell from the premises amid boos and catcalls.

The match finished 3-1 to Brighton, a bitter blow for relegation-threatened West Ham’s hopes for survival in the top flight.

In the after TV match studio analysis, veteran soccer pundit, Mark Lawrenson, claimed that The Hammers would have won the game comfortably if they’d had a bit more cohesion at the back and had given the fullbacks free reign to bomb on down the flanks and get a few crosses in.

Dried-on Cornflake survives 5th dishwasher cycle unscathed

 

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A Cornflake pictured in defiant mood last night

 

From our, ‘We’ve all been there’ correspondent, Danny Soz

A piece of Cornflake debris has reportedly remained stuck fast to a cereal bowl in a council home in Whitechapel in East London despite being subjected to 5 dishwasher cycles, 2 of which were on the ‘power wash’ setting.

The bowl’s owner, vehicle mechanic, Toby Dell, 37, a married father of 5, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I noticed this bit of Cornflake stuck to the bowl after the first wash, so I put it in again, but despite putting it on the ‘normal wash’ setting and not  ‘economy’, it somehow survived.

“I then put it in for another 3 cycles, including 2 power washes, but I just couldn’t shift it. If anything, the hot air in the drying cycle seemed to weld it even more securely to the bowl.

“The missus told me to give it to her to wash up in the sink. She told me that she’d use a scourer on it, but there was no way I was giving in.

“Yesterday, I took it to work and put it in the sandblasting machine we use for cleaning spark plug electrodes but it survived that too.

“I eventually took it out into the yard and ran it over with the forklift. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders”

Scientists have recently discovered that the bond between Cornflake debris and a clean flat surface is the strongest known to man and is in fact routinely used by budget airline, Ryanair, to fix the wings to their aircraft.

Song Lyrics for Intellectuals

This week: Tina Turner – Nutbush City Limits

 

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The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

PC Ted (New) - Copy

Evening all

Policing a sprawling and diverse city like London can be a fraught, and even perilous business from time to time, but it does have its advantages too.

Take the opposite sex for example. Everyone knows that the ladies have a soft spot for a man in uniform and police officers are no exception.

Last Wednesday, I was having a few quiet drinks in the pub over the road from the station after a particularly gruelling shift when an attractive blonde came in and made a beeline for me.

We got chatting, and after we’d had a few more pints and 5 or 6 doubles, she invited me back to hers for a nightcap.

Once we got back to her flat she told me she was going to nip into the bedroom to slip into something more comfortable.

I realised at once that time was of the essence and quickly rifled through her cupboards until I found a bottle of Johnny Walker.

By the time she came out wearing stockings, suspenders and a flimsy negligee I was unconscious on the kitchen floor lying in a pool of piss and sick.

Evening all

PC Ted is the District Chairman of The Advanced Liver Disease Appreciation Society

Artwork by ‘JIF’. Check out her blog right here why doncha?

https://procrastinatorsdayoff.wordpress.com/

 

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