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Local man cuts short visit to toilet following radio disaster

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A 54-year-old man has told The WhitechapelWhelk that he curtailed an early morning bathroom visit last week after discovering that the small radio he normally listens to during a bowel movement wasn’t working due to a dead battery

Toby Dell from Leman Street told us: “I’d just finished a massive bowl of porridge and was settling down on the sofa to read the paper when I felt the need to have a clear-out.

“I settled myself down on the chodbin and went to switch on the radio to have a listen to BBC London FM only to find it was dead.

“I was absolutely gutted as I wanted to listen to the Vanessa Feltz Show while I dropped the kids off at the pool.

“Unfortunately, there was no way I could go out and get some new batteries as I’d already started and had the turtle’s head.

“I just got the job squared away in double-quick time and got the hell out.

“Next time I need an Eartha Kitt, I’ll turn the radio on first to make sure it’s working”

It is estimated that the average man spends up to thirty per cent of his life in the smallest room, reading newspapers or listening to the radio.

In some extreme cases, a small proportion of men have fitted a wall-mounted TV opposite the pan where they watch complete movies, or binge-watch popular TV series on Netflix,  like Game of Thrones or Peaky Blinders while they’re having a ‘pony and trap’.

EXTRA! Local Book in Reduced Price Horror

 

ted threesome
Ted Threesome. Just one of the unsavoury individuals you will encounter in this torrent of  satirical effluent.

In what the Metropolitan Police have described as ‘an act of heartless profiteering’, and, ‘a diabolical liberty’, an anthology of satire and hair-brained tripe has reduced its price by an unbelievable 50 per cent on the Amazon Kindle website.

The book, which sold more than ten copies in the United Kingdom and one in New Zealand (thanks dad), is believed to have ruthlessly slashed its own price under cover of darkness in a bid to exploit vulnerable self-isolators who are so sick of staring at the walls or each other that they will try anything to bring even the tiniest glimmer of diversion into their pent-up terror-stricken and angst-replete lives.

A spokesman for the book, Danny Soz from Whitechapel in East London, told Reuters news agency last night: “Sales had dried up a bit and we weren’t even making enough to even cover our ‘Executive Relief’ bill from the rub and tug shop in the high street, so to discover that the book has mysteriously slashed its own price in a cynical bid to wring a few more quid out of the punters is blinding news as far as we’re concerned’

The book can be seen by using the following link. Make sure you buy as many copies as you can afford so that the book and its associates will become so minted they won’t need to pull any more dodgy strokes like this one for a while.

 

Thanks very much

Condoleezza Rice Pulled The Plug Out In My Bath Before I’d Finished Claims Local Man

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‘Condi’ pictured furiously denying the allegations last night

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel last night told a Whelk reporter that former US Secretary Of State, Condoleezza Rice, ran into his bathroom while he was in the tub and pulled the plug out before running off laughing.

Toby Dell, 42, said: “I had only just got into the bath and was about to begin washing my hair when the bathroom door flew open and Condoleezza Rice rushed in and pulled the plug out. 

“She looked crazed and extremely dishevelled and my first thought was that she’d been drinking.

“She then threw the plug against the wall and ran off laughing, and yelling: ‘How do you like them apples, you limey sonofabitch?’ 

I don’t mind admitting I was pretty shaken. I mean it’s not the sort of behaviour you’d expect from a woman of her standing is it?”

When Ms Rice was asked about the allegation as she left a Republican Party gathering in Washington DC last night, she looked shaken and said: “You’re kidding me right? Are you crazy? Why on earth would I do that?”

This is not the first time a prominent US political figure has allegedly interfered with the ablutions of an unsuspecting Londoner

In July of last year, a 50-year-old woman from neighbouring Bethnal Green, told police that former vice president Al Gore had yanked back her shower curtain before flicking repeatedly at her buttocks with a wet towel.

Covid-19 girl catches entire family masturbating

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An 18-year-old girl from Whitechapel in East London who has been bedbound with coronavirus has told us that she came downstairs for the first time in 9-days and found her entire quarantined family, including her parents and grandparents, masturbating in front of the television as they watched a saucy movie.

Tracy Dell from Leman Street told The Whelk: “I’ll never forget it as long as I live

“I finally felt strong enough to get out of bed after 9-days with really bad covid, so I thought I’d come down and surprise everyone.

“I opened the lounge door and noticed that all the curtains were drawn and that the television was showing a hardcore sex scene involving at least five people.

“I then noticed that my entire family were semi-naked and were pleasuring themselves noisily as they watched the action.

“I was so shocked I let out a scream and they all started fumbling with their clothing.

“My mum jumped up really quickly, dragging her knickers up and smoothing down her dress.

“She tried to pretend nothing was wrong and came over to give me a hug, but I pulled away in disgust

“The only person in the room who didn’t react to me coming in was my grandad who’s deaf. He just carried on until he eventually blew his custard”

It is estimated that since lockdown began, over 20,000 litres of scalding spadge and fanny batter have been emitted from British self-isolators and elderly people practising shielding.

Local man beaten bloody after Ryanair refund request turned sour

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Ryanair passengers being disembarked over Tenerife during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man claims that he was attacked in the street by thugs representing the controversial Ryanair airline just days after requesting a cash refund for his flight to Gran Canaria which was cancelled due to covid-19 travel restrictions.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “I was walking back from work and had just turned into my road when three men wearing balaclavas jumped out of a parked car and attacked me with baseball bats.

“As I lay there bleeding, one of the men threw a card at me and said: “The boss sends his regards, scumbag”

“I managed to crawl home, and after my wife had cleaned me up I looked at the card.

“It said: ‘Congratulations. You have just met the Ryanair Refund Crew’

“I’ll be using Easyjet in future, that’s for sure’

We contacted Ryanair last night who told us they had no knowledge of the incident but if we gave them Mr Dell’s details they would send someone round to ‘take care of business’

Kim Mystery: Did North Korean despot take own life after bungled suicide pact with Lorraine Kelly

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A heartbroken Kelly pictured last night

Speculation over the rumoured death of North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-un, reached fever pitch last night when news broke that the 39-year-old despot may have taken cyanide in a failed suicide love pact with, Scottish, breakfast TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly.

A source from inside the secretive state told Reuters: “Kim and Lorraine have been an item for well over 6-months after he spotted her interviewing Harry Styles on his private telly and asked her out on a date via Tinder.

“The Dear Leader was absolutely besotted and it’s believed that he suggested that they take their own lives in a suicide pact after she told him they could never be together because of her work on Good Morning.

“He was found dead on Saturday morning with a picture of Lorraine interviewing Tom Hanks clutched to his chest”

Kelly spoke briefly to reporters outside her London home last night: “Yes, Kim and I were an item for a while but I told him there was no future in it.

“As for a suicide pact, I had no knowledge of it as I’ve deliberately not been reading his texts.

“Dead you say? Och, the puir wee thing”

In 1998, the murderous Cambodian tyrant, Pol Pot, was rumoured to have shot himself when he was knocked back after sending a date request to Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

US Corona Update: Trump supporter injected Dettol with mixed results

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A 23-year-old man who put into practice Donald Trump’s theory that injecting the powerful disinfectant, Dettol, directly into the bloodstream would ward off covid-19, experienced mixed results shortly afterwards.

Tobias Delroy, a nightwatchman from Dallas, Texas, injected the drain and toilet-cleaning fluid into his arm shortly after hearing Donald Trump’s suggestion at yesterday’s press briefing that doing so would kill the virus in the lungs before it could cause significant harm to the body.

A spokesman for the Presbyterian Hospital of Dallas, told reporters last night: “Mr Delroy presented with severe symptoms of blood poisoning and liver deterioration due to the introduction of a noxious substance into the circulatory system.

“His primary objective of killing the covid-19 virus has been achieved along with himself.

“We cannot stress how important it is not to inject any type of household product normally used to clean drains and toilets into the body.

“This is especially true if you have been advised to do so by President Trump”

Last year, a 43-year-old woman from Montgomery, Alabama, was admitted to hospital with severe facial burns after hearing Trump’s attorney, Rudi Giuliani, telling a Washington Post reporter: “Do yourself a favour and go boil your head”

Local man recreating foreign holiday at home killed after toppling from own balcony

photo of man jumping from boat to the sea
Brit holidaymakers pictured practising balcony falls in Magaluf last year

A 24-year-old man who tried to replicate a sunkissed holiday in Magaluf at his home in Whitechapel has fallen to his death from his bedroom balcony as he pretended to be enjoying drunken, hotel room hi-jinx following a night spent drinking heavily in bars along the strip.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Leman Street, was found lifeless in his front garden, dressed only in Union Jack shorts and a vomit-stained bandana.

His girlfriend, Tracy Carter, 22, wept as she told us: “Toby was gutted when his holiday to Spain was cancelled due to coronavirus, so he set aside two weeks to replicate it in his house.

“He bought loads of beer and cheap spirits from the supermarket and built a little bar in his front room.

“He would go in there every night and get absolutely legless.

“Sometimes, he’d go out in the back yard after a skinful and fall asleep on the path in a pool of sick, pretending it was the main street in Magaluf.

“He even rubbed on loads of fake tan and burned himself with an oxy/acetylene torch to imitate overdoing it in the sun on the first day.

“I’m really sorry that he’s dead because we’d booked a week in Marbella this September and now I’m going to have to try to get the deposit back”

In other related news, a 19-year-old man from nearby Aldgate has slept with a number of drug-addicted prostitutes in the hope of getting the sexually transmitted disease he would have contracted in Ibiza next month if Easyjet hadn’t cancelled his flight.

BBC’s Maitlis escapes death from falling anvil: Prince Andrew held

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Journalist and broadcaster, Emily Maitlis, had a narrow escape yesterday when a blacksmith’s anvil crashed to the ground, missing her head by inches, as she was leaving her office at the BBC headquarters in Portland Place, West London.

Police quickly arrived on the scene and began a search on the roof of the building where they found Prince Andrew crouching behind a lift shaft.

The troubled royal was then arrested and led away by armed officers before being taken to nearby Ebury Bridge police station where he is being held in police custody on suspicion of attempted murder.

Speculation is rife that Andrew may have been seeking revenge on the journalist after his disastrous televised interview in December 2019, when he denied having illicit sex with a minor by claiming that he was in a pizza parlour with his children when the alleged assault had taken place.

One eye witness to the arrest was forklift truck driver, Toby Dell, 27, from East London, who told reporters: “I saw two coppers dragging Prince Andrew towards the police car and bundling him into the back.

“He was effing and blinding and shouting the odds about being above the law and that he was going to tell The Queen if they didn’t let him go.

“I caught a glimpse of him as the motor sped past. and I have to say, that if what he says about being incapable of sweating is true, then somebody must have thrown a bucket of water over his swede because he was absolutely dripping”

Maitlis was shaken but unharmed following the incident and told reporters: “I knew he was a slippery little bastard but I didn’t expect this one”

In an ironic twist, if the Duke of York is found guilty, he will serve time in one of Her Majesty’s prisons, often referred to by inmates as, The Windsor Hotel.

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