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AMERICA IN CRISIS: 5G Lampposts behind insurgency, says Amanda Holden

amanda the sentinel

In a strongly worded statement last night, Britain’s Got Talent icon and noted conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, pointed the blame for the shocking scenes on Capitol Hill yesterday at mind-bending rays being emitted from lamposts in America.

Holden, 87, said: “These people were just ordinary, God-fearing citizens before they were bombarded with mind-altering 5G rays from lamposts in their neighbourhoods.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hanks was behind it and that Bill Gates paid the electricity bill afterwards.

“It’s the infant’s blood-drinking that causes it. Hanks drinks the blood, leaves some in the bottle for George Clooney, and then gives the order for the rays to be switched on which galvanises the howling mob.

“Some of the rioters had even started to morph into animals because of the rays. I saw one chap that had turned into a half-man/half bison for example.

“It’s all about the rays, you see.”

In other news, fellow sceptic and morning TV host, Eammon Holmes, leapt to the defence of under-fire president, Donald Trump, last night.

“People will be quick to point the finger at Trump’s mental condition but I would suggest that it reflects badly on us as a nation if we condemn a man just for being completely round the fucking bend”

And now, here’s a sneak preview of this year’s Spring collection at the New York Fashion Show

Image may contain: 1 person, standing, text that says "Steal His Look Urban Decay Eyeshadow Paliette $29.00 HMS Supersoft Fantasy Horns $11 95 Pandora Pendant Necklace $60.00 Glacier Wear Coyote Fur Russian Hat $279. 95 PPLE Pyle 20 Watt Megaphone $14.99 Carhartt Duck Dungaree $34. 99 Timberland Touchscreen Gloves $54.99"

Local masochist beats self to a pulp

masochism
Dell pictured being stitched without anaesthetic at his own insistence last night

A local man with a long history of masochistic behaviour was rushed to The Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon after a neighbour spotted him lying unconscious and badly self-beaten in his back yard.

Toby Dell, 54, from Berner Street, had given himself such a good hiding during a bout of self-battering that he required thirty six stitches to facial wounds and was also treated for abrasions and deep bruising to the torso and upper thighs.

Dell, who has been working himself over for more than twenty years told a Whelk reporter: “I decided I’d been a naughty boy that needed to be disciplined.

“I started with some light flagellation using a leather riding crop but got a bit carried away and ending up giving myself a thoroughly good tonking.

“I feel dreadful at being a drain on the NHS at a time when they are stretched to breaking point and will be beating the crap out of myself as a punishment as soon as I get home.”

In other related news, a 32-year-old woman with sadistic tendencies was arrested at her home last week for allegedly forcing her husband to watch three episodes of The Michael McIntyre Show while nailed to the ceiling.

FREE INSIDE TODAY’S WHITECHAPEL WHELK

trumpster

We had an editorial staff meeting earlier in an attempt to write an amusing post script to this one but decided instead to point you towards this clown’s latest attempt to defraud the American electorate in a somewhat deranged and ever more desperate call to the governor of Georgia as it’s much funnier than anything we could come up with.

The poor sod is now clearly as nutty as a squirrel’s underpants, and, loathe as we are to lampoon the mentally unstable, we have decided to make an exception in the case of this mad orange fuck. – Ed

Trump-followers provide massive ratings boost for Roobarb and Custard

roobarb

BBC bosses are hailing a massive surge in support from followers of departing President, Donald Trump, for a huge increase in popularity of the 1970s cartoon TV show, Roobarb and Custard.

The iconic children’s favourite has recently been voted the most-viewed and beloved cartoon show of all time and the BBC put its popularity down almost entirely to the massive support the show enjoys from people who voted for Trump in the November 2020 US election.

Speaking to a Whelk reporter last night a spokesman for the Beeb told us.

“We’d given up on Roobard and Custard to be honest, viewing figures were average at best and we were thinking of dropping the show from our schedule and then there was this huge spike in viewing figures and sales of merchandise, due almost entirely to the show’s popularity among Trump fans.

“I’ve been told they enjoy the bright colours and the crazy music at the start.

“I don’t know if the President watches the show himself but he’ll certainly have plenty of time to check it out after he gets the boot from The White House in a few weeks”

A White House press officer issued a brief statement last night: “The President wishes it to be known that he’s a huge fan of the show. He loves the wacky theme tune most of all and admires British children’s TV in general so this is tremendous news at this time.”

In 2018, Trump came in for criticism for watching a recording of 60’s children’s favourite, Rag, Tag, and Bobtail, on his phone during The Queen’s welcoming speech at The Guild Hall on his ill-fated state visit to Britain in the summer of that year.

FACT CHECK: The show HASN’T been rated most popular of all times, we just said that to give the story a semblance of credibility. However, in our view, the show is a complete triumph…especially the madcap music at the start. WAH WAH WAH WAAAAH WAH WAH WAH WAAAAAAH etc – Ed.

BREXIT UPDATE: Local man who doesn’t mind an occasional Guinness applies for Irish passport.

brexit bus

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has now applied for an Irish passport to avoid being lumped in with people who voted for Brexit Britain.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street told us: “I hate the idea of leaving the European Union and abandoning all the benefits, both trade-related and cultural that this country has enjoyed for the past 47 years, just because a bunch of beetle-browed, racist fuckwits from the north of England voted to leave the union in the belief that we’d get blue passports and less darkies walking the streets.

“I’ve therefore applied for an Irish passport and will move to County Leitrim with the wife and cat just as soon as it comes through.

“I’ve got no Irish connections whatsoever, but I don’t mind the odd pint of Draught Guinness whenever I’m constipated, so, hopefully, that should swing it in my favour”

In related news, a pro-Brexit man from Barnsley in Yorkshire shot himself earlier today when he discovered, that despite Britain having left the EU, his local newsagent was still being run by a Pakistani.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Any readers from overseas who are undecided about the wisdom of Britain leaving the EU should take on board the fact that Donald Trump – a man who fervently believes that covfefe is grown in a country called Nambia and that people with covid should guzzle down copious quantities of bleach – considered it to be a good idea before reaching any conclusion

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

stalin

Dear Sir

I wish to express my disquiet at the recent High Court decision to find the actor, Johnny Depp, guilty of assaulting his wife.
I have just watched the film, Edward Scissorhands, in which Depp plays the lead, and it’s fairly obvious, that if the bloke HAD given his missus the odd backhander, he’d have chopped her head off.

Ben Cartwright
Ponderosa Trading Estate
White City

***********

Dear Sir

I have managed to alleviate the symptoms of claustrophobia by going into small spaces, such as lifts and cupboards, looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars

Gus Toad
Braintree
Tasmania

************

Dear Sir

I have discovered, that if you staple together a number of those ads for sex phone lines that you find towards the back of men’s magazines you can make a handy little softcore grumble mag for a pet hamster or tortoise.

Melania Trump

Mexico

*********

Dear Sir

In his smash hit single, Dancin’ In The Dark, Bruce Springstein makes the claim that you can’t start a fire without a spark.
So how come the Germans managed to burn down my nan and grandad’s house during the war by dropping a bomb on it, killing them both instantly?
Come on Bruce, Do your research.

Archbishop of Canterbury
12 Shit Street
Bermondsey

*********

Dear Sir

They say that music soothes the savage beast, and yet my wife was yesterday torn to pieces and devoured by a lion while we were on safari in Africa, despite the fact that I was playing, Take Me Home Country Roads, on the mouth organ at the time

Ted Fuck
Grimsby

**********

Dear Sir

I’ve managed to convince my neighbours I’m a lorry driver by purchasing a 5-tonne low-loader which I use to pick up and murder hitchhikers

Theresa May
Dar Es Salaam

************

Dear Sir

I’ve never understood the concept of Strictly Come Dancing
Instead of going to the time and expense of training celebrities to waltz and cha cha cha over the course of a number of weeks, why not just employ some pro dancers and we can watch them instead.
The money saved could be used to build new hospitals or something.

Boris Johnson
Unicorn Avenue
Titsfield

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS: Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’ oil-stained vest

bruce
Willis pictured in pensive mood minutes before going under the knife

A team of highly-skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil stains may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing the surgery necessary to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him snuff it on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

Carols from Kings faces furious backlash over lack of lesbians

carols

The iconic Christmas carol service from Kings College Cambridge has been slammed for perceived bigotry after hundreds of viewers complained that there were no lesbian participants, either amongst the choir or the students reading excerpts from The Gospels.

A spokesman for the BBC, who screen the concert every Christmas Eve, explained: “We realise that we made an error by not including any lesbians in the service but it was wholly unintentional and we shall be making every effort to redress this next year. We might even throw in a few arse bandits as well, just to stress the point that we’ve got nothing against the gayers”

One irate viewer who wrote to the BBC was Toby Dell, 54, a diesel-fitter from Whitechapel in East London, who told a Whelk reporter: “I was absolutely furious that there were no lesbians present at the concert. I was bored to tears halfway through and could have really done with watching a spot of red hot, girl-on-girl clam noshing”

This latest furore comes just a week after the makers of Songs Of Praise were inundated with hundreds of viewer complaints about the lack of full-on, dwarf sex romps during a rendition of The Old Rugged Cross.

Song Lyrics For Intellectuals

THIS WEEK: The Girl From Ipanema

53-20256-5-girl-from-ipanema-1412032466

NEXT WEEK: A different one!

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