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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Local man dismayed at another failure to clear cafetiere plunger debris

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A cafetiere plunger pictured trying to look all innocent last night

A 42-year-old man was left dismayed yesterday as repeated attempts to clear coffee grounds particles from the mesh on his cafetiere plunger ended in failure.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, had rinsed the plunger under the tap to get the worst off before immersing the plunger in a washing up bowl of clean water and banging it hard against the sides to dislodge any stubborn remnants

Despite this, when he placed the plunger on the sink’s draining board he noticed tiny particles of coffee grounds still clinging to the mesh.

At the time of going to press, Mr Dell had smashed the plunger repeatedly with a hammer and was seen striding towards the corner shop for a jar of Kenco Gold Instant

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EXTRA!

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The Whitechapel Whelk is now being given away free, along with the London Evening Standard, at all TFL rail and bus stations. We strongly refute recent allegations of overcharging – Ed

Queen summons army to quell rebellious Scots

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The Queen pictured during happier times

Her Majesty The Queen was at the head of a five thousand-strong army marching to the Scottish border last night.

The Queen has grown weary of Scottish dissent and repeated calls for independence from the United Kingdom and will attempt to quell the rebellious Scots by force of arms

It is estimated that Her Majesty’s army of 3 thousand foot soldiers, 1 thousand archers and a thousand mounted yeoman will reach the border within the next few days where they will lay waste to nearby farms and hang any Scot who refuses to swear allegiance to the Monarch.

The Scot’s leader, Nicola Sturgeon MSP, issued a defiant battle cry in response last night. “If it’s war the English are seeking then we’re ready, aye ready.

“They may take our oil and gorge themselves on our Tunnock’s Tea Cakes, but they’ll never take our freedom”

In other related news, there was a reported blunder by an estimated 500-strong battalion of The Queen’s Guard, led by Transport Secretary, Chris Grayling, last night, when he led them into an attack on a Welsh fishing village by mistake.

For non-UK residents, Chris Grayling is our hapless Secretary of State for Transport, a blundering fucknut of epic proportions who couldn’t find his arseole with both hands and a powerful flashlight – Ed

BREAKING

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In other related news: President Trump yesterday named Michelle Obama as the woman responsible for yesterday’s delays on the District and Circle Line between Whitechapel and Upton Park on the London Underground rail network.

Trump tweeted: “She comes across as a real sweetie, but let me tell you, that woman is nothing but a failing, tube train-delaying, loser”

CRIME DESK: Local woman killed partner who turned off Mr Blue Sky before the end

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Mr Carter pictured shortly after the attack

A Whitechapel woman murdered her boyfriend in cold blood after he switched off the radio at their home before the end of Mr Blue Sky by ELO, a court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, 42, attacked her live-in lover, Steven Carter, 47, with a pickaxe handle at their home in Vallance Road on December 23 last year.

“Dell’s barrister, Michael Higgins QC, told the court that Ms Dell lost control after Carter turned off the radio just before the soaring violin crescendo at the end and the subsequent vibrato vocal in which vocalist, Jeff Lynn, sings, ‘Mister Blue Sky’ in a tremulous voice.

“It’s her favourite bit” he explained to the jury. “Is it any wonder that she was filled with murderous rage? ”

Sentencing Dell to life with a 25-year recommendation, Judge William Shay QC, told her: “You are clearly a ruthless and dangerous woman who will resort to any lengths to listen to your favourite bits at the end of records, including cold-blooded murder”

Dell’s crime mirrors that of a 32-year-old woman from neighbouring Cripplegate, who murdered her husband with a hatchet last year after he began talking during the introduction to Wilson Picket’s classic, In The Midnight Hour.

Tech Latest

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa psychologically scars a teen boy after his request for the weather forecast for the week ahead results in “spotty little twat” jibe.

‘Banksy’ chalked insulting remark on my back claims local man

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A 43-year-old Whitechapel builder has claimed that world-renowned street artist, ‘Banksy’, wrote, ‘Kick me, I’m a twat’ on the back of his donkey jacket in white chalk while he was travelling on the tube to work yesterday.

Toby Dell, a married father of two from Columbia Road, told us: “When I got to work, I noticed that the other lads were nudging each other and laughing behind my back

“Well, I’m the one who’s laughing now. Thanks to Banksy, I’ve got a priceless work of art on my coat”

“He must have done it at some point on the District Line between Whitechapel and Plaistow, where I got off.

“It’s definitely a Banksy. I recognise his handwriting from that climate change one he did last week”

Mr Dell’s wife, Tracy, 42, was a little more guarded in her reaction: “I’m pretty sure Toby junior did it after his dad bollocked him for pissing on the seat in the downstairs loo”

In other related news, a woman from neighbouring Spitalfields has claimed that a replica of the Russian modernist artist, Marc Chagall’s, ‘Flying Over Vitebsk’ has appeared in a chickenpox rash on her 7-year-old son’s arse.

ASK BBC TEST CARD GIRL: THE COMPLETELY INERT AGONY AUNT WITH A HEART

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I’m here to help *crackle, whirrr…pop!*

Dear BBC Test Card Girl.

I’m a 22-year-old woman who recently married the man of my dreams – or so I thought. The problem is; he keeps making excuses whenever I ask him to make love to me. He claims to be too tired after work during weekdays, and then at weekends, he feigns illness or makes out he’s hurt his back doing the gardening. He tells me constantly that he loves me and finds me attractive, so why won’t he give me the physical love I crave? I’d like to start a family at some point, but if his constant excuses at bedtime continue, I can’t ever see myself getting pregnant. On top of this, last week I found pictures of a naked man on his phone along with a series of explicit text messages sent by my husband to this person, describing in graphic detail what he’s going to do to him when they next meet. Do you think he could be gay? Please help me if you can, BBC Test Card Girl, as I’m at my wit’s end with worry and you’re my last hope.

Yours faithfully

Tracy Dell

London E2

**********************

Hiss…crackle…whistle…phutt…pop!

We apologise for this break in our transmission, our engineers are working on the problem. Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible. In the meantime, here’s some music…

Some minutes later…

We are happy to announce that normal service can now be restored. We apologise for the fault and hope that your enjoyment has not been spoiled. And now…back to The Antiques Roadshow.

Yours Faithfully

BBC Test Card Girl

Television Centre

Shepherd’s Bush

London

Local woman completely unaware she has given wood pigeon deep-vein thrombosis

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Endangered: Mrs Dell’s pigeon, ‘Elephant Jim’ pictured on its way out yesterday

A 72-year-old Whitechapel woman who has been feeding a wood pigeon with bacon scraps and fat, trimmed from meat joints for years is blissfully unaware that she is responsible for the creature’s chronic deep vein thrombosis or that she has increased its risk of having a heart attack or stroke by at least 400%.

Mrs Tracy Dell, a retired shop assistant, told The Whelk: “He loves his bacon does that bird and he visits my garden special to get it.

“He loves a bit of fat from the Sunday joint too. Lamb’s his favourite. It greases his lungs and keeps him regular”.

When we pointed out that the bird had already lost a leg due to a thrombosis-based issue that she was the root cause of, and that the high-fat diet she was exposing it to would increase its risk of a coronary episode a hundredfold, Mrs Dell became defensive and pooh-poohed the idea

“I used to give my husband Toby a very high-fat diet and he lived until he was almost 39” she explained.

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