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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

‘Broken man’ Harvey Weinstein to run for president

 

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Predator-in-Chief? Disgraced sex case, Harvey Weinstein pictured in need of a shave and a prison term last night

 

Disgraced movie mogul, Harvey Weinstein has told friends that he intends to run for the presidency against Donald Trump in 2020, in what is already being dubbed, The Battle of The Pussy Grabbers.

A close friend of Weinstein told The Whelk last night: “Since all these actresses started coming out of the woodwork accusing him of sexual misconduct, Harvey’s been pretty much a broken man.

“He realises his movie-making days are over and that a tilt at the presidency may be the only career path open to him at this time.

“As a lifelong Democrat, he has contacted Hillary Clinton for advice, but she’s not picking up her cell. Bill, on the other hand, has been very supportive and has offered to give Harvey a few pointers on running a successful campaign and picking the right kind of intern once elected.”

A White House press officer laughed off the proposed challenge last night: “A self-confessed sex offender running for the highest office in the land? Get out of here. You’re kidding me, right?”

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‘Train Rage’ Local man held after attacking passengers on train that overtook his

 

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Absolutely steaming. Mr Dell’s train pictured arriving at London Bridge yesterday

 

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man was in police custody last night after he attacked passengers on a train that had overtaken his own on the approach to London Bridge station yesterday.

According to a police spokesman, Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, became enraged when the 8.30 Oxted to London Bridge train pulled up alongside his own as they were held at a red signal and then pulled away marginally quicker before arriving at Platform 14, seconds before Mr Dell got to Platform 10

Dell then allegedly raced over to the other train and began attacking the passengers as they got off, accusing them of ‘liberty-taking’ and ‘trying to burn him off at the lights’

Two passengers received minor facial injuries and one was pushed to the ground before Dell finally calmed down after a young woman told him to ‘just leave it’ and that ‘they weren’t worth it’

Adele and Ed Sheeran announce plans to buy entire world

 

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Rolling in the deep, and the lolly too by the sounds of it. Ed and ‘Del’ pictured outside a local pie and mash shop last night

 

Pop superstars, Adele and Ed Sheeran announced last night that they plan to club together and buy the entire world and everything in it, lock, stock, and barrel.

The fabulously wealthy duo announced their audacious plans in an exclusive interview with The Whitechapel Whelk last night.

Adele, who is reported to earn something in the region of a million dollars an hour plus London Weighting Allowance and Housing Benefit, told us: “Ed and I were chatting about our respective fortunes last night and have decided that it would be really cool if we just bought the entire planet.

“We’re great mates and it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to buy all the shit in the world and then just relax and chill together, safe in the knowledge that there’s not a single thing, either living or dead, that we don’t have covered.”

Sheeran, who earned 25 million pounds after tax while Adele was speaking, said: “We’re both looking forward to waking up in a few days time with the whole world quite literally in our hands.

“A lot of people dream of owning their own home with a small garden, but Adele and I have much bigger fish to fry.

“In fact, talking of fish, we’ll own all of them too; including those really funny-looking ones with big pop-out eyes that live right at the bottom of the ocean where it’s totally dark”

It is understood that the pair have already put in a preliminary bid for Great Britain and Northern Ireland, believed to be in the region of £20,000, which was quickly turned down by Prime Minister, Theresa May, who reportedly told the ambitious stars that she wouldn’t even sell them the steam off her piss for that.

Trump vows to aid UNHCR following refugee crisis appeal

 

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US President Donald Trump was quick to respond last night after hearing an appeal from the United Nations High Commission for Refugees yesterday.

The UNHCR had earlier issued an appeal on behalf of the thousands fleeing from the war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo and the President was quick to throw his immediate support behind the UNHCR initiative.

Speaking to newsmen in The White House briefing room, Trump said: “As soon as I heard that these guys were appealing for refugees I wanted to help.

“If there’s a shortage of them and the United States can create any more, then I’m 100% committed to doing whatever I can.

“Maybe we could invade Puerto Rico and create a few refugees that way. They’ve been a real pain in the ass lately anyways.

“I’ll have a word with my guys tomorrow and see what we can do. If the UN guys are prepared to share the expense, maybe we could create a million or so in North Korea also”

The UNHCR declined to give a response last night, but one delegate we spoke to muttered: “Fuck’s sake” when we told him of Trump’s offer.

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Local man begins to harbour marriage doubts after catching fiance eating cake like a dog

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A cake pictured waiting for a girl last night

 

A 22-year-old Whitechapel man has told friends that he is beginning to doubt the wisdom of marrying his fiance next month after he caught her eating a family size pineapple gateau by pushing her face into the box and devouring the contents in a manner akin to a dog eating its food from a bowl on the floor.

Toby Dell, a mechanic from Leman Street, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I knew she was fond of the occasional slice of cake like most girls, but when I saw her wolfing it out of the box with her hands clasped behind her back it got me wondering about whether or not I should go through with the wedding.

“I’m pretty certain she didn’t see me watching and just carried on eating until she’d guzzled the lot. The noise she was making was absolutely horrific. It was like listening to someone clearing a blocked sink”

The girl concerned, Tracy Carter from Plaistow, refused to speak to us yesterday but her mother, Mary, 63, told us: Tracy loves her cake and sometimes does get a bit overly enthusiastic.

“I think she gets it from her grandmother who used to ram Bakewell tarts down her neck with a cylinder head valve spring compressor”

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece you’re probably a girly and a gweedy ickle piggy wig wig.

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20th Century Whelk Proudly Present…!

Hitler-Salute-1935

Das Pie Und Mash: A heartbreaking motion picture which chronicles the struggles of a simple Austrian house painter as he seeks world domination and a decent plate of East London scoff.

Starring: Danny “The Liebling of Limehouse” SoZ as Adolf Twitler

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Obergruppenführer Artful Dodger as “Pineapple” Fritz, his faithful aide de camp

Filmed in Jellied Eel Vision on location at The Blind Beggar, Whitechapel Road, London E1

All rights up for reasonable offers

©Whelk Film Workshop

http://www.captiongenerator.com/713452/Der-Pie-Und-Mash-Skit

Not suitable for Under 18s, Over 18s, and people from South London

Local man left emotionally crippled by partner’s throwaway remark

 

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Artist’s impression of how Mr Dell’s heart probably looks at the moment

 

A 30-year Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he is a broken man and that his spirit has been crushed following a casual jibe from his partner as they spoke on the phone last week.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told us: “Everything was fine at first. We were chatting about mundane stuff, having a laugh and getting along really well.

“Then, everything turned sour after I inadvertently started to say something as she began speaking.

“I’d only said a few words when she muttered “For God’s sake let me finish” under her breath.

“I don’t think I was meant to hear it but I absolutely did. It was more like a snarl than a complaint. It was as if she’d summoned up every last ounce of bile and spat it into my face.

“After that, I was emotionally crippled and just withdrew into my shell. I’ve not left the house since and I’ve barely eaten or slept.

“I know I have to be more resilient and I will try to come through this but it won’t be easy and I’ll carry her cruel words to my grave.”

“We spoke to Mr Dell’s partner last night. Tracy, a 27-year-old beautician,, told us: “He’s such a prize twat. He needs to get a grip and grow a pair. He needs to stop talking over me too”

In a similar incident last Thursday, a 24-year-old landscape gardener from neighbouring Shoreditch, drowned after throwing himself from Southwark Bridge just hours after his girlfriend called him “an uncaring fucker” for appearing to nod off during a lengthy discussion she had instigated about the direction their relationship was heading in.

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