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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

KIDDIES KORNER

pooh gas bill

If you or any vulnerable member of your family are struggling to pay your heating bill following today’s price increase, please contact this gentleman who will be more than happy to bomb or poison some sense into you:

V. Putin

22 Shitski Street

Moscock

BREAKING: Beseiged Ukrainian Townspeople to Hold Vigil For Bruce Willis

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One of the lucky ones. A Mariupol resident pictured en route to the Willis vigil earlier.

The people of the wartorn town of Mariupol in eastern Ukraine are preparing to hold a candlelit vigil this evening as a mark of respect for stricken Hollywood star, Bruce Willis, who has been forced into retirement due to a brain condition.

One woman, who has been trapped in a basement for thirty-six days with her small child after Russian shelling reduced her home to rubble, emerged to tell a BBC reporter: ‘It’s been a tough time for all of us, to be honest, but we couldn’t just cower amongst the debris of our former homes while Bruce Willis is reduced to wandering around his palatial Beverly Hills residence not knowing if he wants a shit or a haircut.

‘The whole town will be turning out tonight as a mark of our respect, curfew or no curfew.

‘If we get killed then so be it. At least we’ll have given our lives in a worthy cause.

‘Many of my friends and neighbours in the basement are distraught about this one and if it wasn’t for the fact that Meatloaf and the drummer out of the Foo Fighters are still hale and hearty I could see many of them going over the edge.’

Bruce Willis appeared in a number of highly successful movies, many of which featured the star clinging to the fuselage of various aircraft in an oil-stained vest wearing a sardonic grin.

Third local angler found slain. Police launch hunt for ‘Jack The Kipper’

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Is this the face of a killer? A kipper pictured earlier

Following the discovery of the mutilated body of a third fisherman on the banks of the River Lea in East London, Whitechapel police have announced they have received a letter, believed to be from the killer, in which he outlines his motives and signs it, Jack The Kipper.

Detective Sergeant Toby Dell told reporters: ‘This man is clearly a very disturbed individual and we urge local anglers to fish with another person or to remain at home until we have got the perpetrator in custody.

‘There’s plenty of fishing programmes on television so perhaps they could watch those instead of going to the river bank and putting themselves at risk.

‘It would appear from a letter we received yesterday that the man responsible has a deep-seated hatred for fishermen, particularly those who don’t have their rods correctly aligned’

DS Dell then released a copy of the letter in question which read.

‘Dear Boss. I’ve got a down on anglers who don’t align their rods parallel to each other and I won’t stop ripping them until I’m cort (sic)
Yours Truly
Jack The Kipper’

A spokesmen for the Angling Society of Great Britain said last night: ‘It’s terrible that innocent anglers are being targetted by this maniac.

‘Why can’t he pick on impoverished prostitutes like the other bloke used to’

Throughout September and October in 1963, twelve anglers on the Thames at Wapping Dock were strangled and then mutilated by a killer known as ‘Fishing Bible John’ due to his habit of leaving a rolled-up copy of The Angling Times inserted in the rectums of his victims.

UK waives triple back somersault visa requirement for Ukrainian refugees aged 90 and above

Gymnast Girl Tumbling Leap Tumbling Tumble Sport
A student from Kharkiv pictured submitting her application for a 24-hour stay in the UK last night

In a remarkable U-turn, the government has amended the controversial, stringent entry visa requirements for Ukrainians fleeing their war-torn country.

Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has now agreed to allow all Ukrainian nationals over the age of 90 to enter the UK without first having to demonstrate the ability to perform a triple back somersault on camera, thereby completely removing the previous requirement.

Speaking in The House of Commons yesterday, Patel, who had been severely criticised by both sides of the House for her strict policy on allowing entry to the UK for refugees from the conflict in Ukraine, told MPs: ‘Following discussions with my colleagues in The Cabinet, I have decided to waive the triple back somersault stipulation and replace it with a double-back flip, plus piked full-twisting front exit.

‘This will apply to asylum-seekers over ninety years of age. The rest will have to give me the full triple as stipulated in the original requirement document.

‘However, concerns remain as to the security risk these people may pose, so we propose to throw them in jail after they have cleared passport control where they will be tortured with hot knives until they either come clean or deny any wrongdoing right up until the point of death.

‘We owe it to the taxpayers of this country to protect not only their security but their jobs and womenfolk too’

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson welcomed the move earlier, telling newsmen: ‘This country has a worldbeating record when it comes to immigration.

‘When it comes to immigration we have always been world-beating. Our record proves this. I can’t stress enough how world-beating we have been, not just on this issue but everything preceding it also.

‘It’s a bit like our world-beating vaccine roll-out and our world-beating willingness to party and get thoroughly shit-faced on the grog while the rest of the country were subject to our world-beating lockdown.’

Ukrainian President, Volodymyr Zelenskyy, responded to the news earlier, telling Sky News: ‘We welcome this move by our British friends at this time, however, we would prefer a world-beating no-fly zone above our country.

‘Otherwise, Mr Johnson will be announcing a world-beating death toll from his world-beating flat in Downing Street with its world-beating expensive wallpaper’.

More world-beating news as we get it.

BBC’s Rageh Omaar has spent 88 per cent of his life on warzone rooftops, study reveals

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Omaar pictured last night on the roof of the Bombay Nights Indian restaurant in Whitechapel High Street

A recent study of the journalistic career of the award-winning BBC war correspondent, Rageh Omaar, has revealed that he has spent more than three-quarters of his entire life, broadcasting from flat rooftops in various trouble spots around the world.

Omaar, 55, made his name as a fearless young journalist, reporting from a Kuwaiti rooftop during the first Gulf war in 1990, when he spent ninety-six days on a roof with only three cans of Red Bull and a pack of tuna and sweetcorn sandwiches, that were made for him by his mother before he left, to sustain him.

Since then, he has stood on rooftops with artillery fire raining down in various warzones across the planet, including, Syria, Yemen, Chechnya, Sierra Leonne, and more recently Mariupol in Ukraine, where he has been on the flat roof of a bombed-out building for 13-days with only a handheld camera and a small cassette recorder, on which he records the latest Russian air and artillery strikes for the BBC and the Al Jazeera television station.

In 2010, Omaar split from his wife of 12-years who cited his constant demands for food and water to be brought up to him on the roof of their home in Milton Keynes as grounds for divorce.

‘He was rooftop mad’ she told The Sunday Times.

‘We even spent our honeymoon night in Praia Del Ingles in Portugal on the roof where he insisted on a cameraman being present while we had sex in case a Warsaw Pact country launched an airstrike on our hotel.’

Only the legendary BBC war correspondent, Kate Adie, can match Omaar’s dogged record in world trouble spots.

Last year, it was revealed that Adie has spent her entire life from the age of nineteen in warzones, crouching down on her haunches wearing army fatigues and shouting into a microphone as various bombs, missiles, and even improvised explosive devices, explode in the background.

Ryanair suing Ukraine for fall-off in business

Biplane. Free public domain CC0 photo.
A Ryanair humanitarian flight pictured taking off from Dublin airport last night

Ryanair boss, Michael O’Leary, last night announced that he will be suing the Ukrainian government for the downturn in profits since Russia invaded the country two weeks ago.

Speaking to RTE television last night, O’Leary explained: ‘While I have a certain amount of sympathy for the Ukrainians, some of whom have probably lost quite a few quid since the Russkies invaded, business is business at the end of the day and I’ve instructed our company’s legal team to start proceedings against Zelenskyy and his government first thing Monday morning.

‘I dread to think how much we’ve lost since the invasion, not to mention the increase in fuel costs and grub for the passengers, although we will be able to absorb most of that particular hit by tripling the current £60 fee we charge for anyone who goes for an in-flight shit.

‘We will also be charging any fleeing Ukrainians double the normal excess baggage fee and instructing that all children without a speedy boarding pass will have to travel in the hold, with any late-comers being made to cling onto the landing gear following a sound thrashing with a belt’

Ryanair attracted widespread criticism in 2014 when Syrian refugees fleeing from wartorn Aleppo were charged an excess 30 Euro fee if they bled on the seats.

Editor’s note: A volunteer firefighter from the UK on route to Ukraine was yesterday charged 60 Euro by Ryanair to take his uniform with him. Nice.

Earth will be bombarded with killer cheese particles following rocket debris strike, says David Icke

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Icke (pictured left) with friends last night

Prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, last night issued a warning that Earth will be totally destroyed by falling cheese debris when a rocket particle collides with the Moon at around midday GMT today as astrologists are predicting

Icke, speaking from his cellar in Broadstairs told local newsmen: ‘Massive cheese meteors from the moon are going to kill you all within hours.

‘Only myself and my followers will survive the cheesy debris strikes.

‘I’m going to write a book about it afterwards and make shedloads of money from the proceeds which I will spend on grog and cleaning up the remains of the cheese from the world’s towns and cities.

‘Believe in me or you are all doomed to be killed by Cheddar and Roquefort fragments, the size of which, the world has never seen’

Icke, who was recently heard on television, reasserting his claim that The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard, came under fire recently for barking at screen depictions of the Moon during a screening of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, at his local cinema.

Jacob Rees Mogg unable to lift AK47 for pro-Ukraine photoshoot

Jacob speaking latin

Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees Mogg faced ridicule yesterday when he was unable to pose for a photoshoot with a Kalashnikov AK47 assault rifle due to his inability to lift the weapon from the table.

Rees Mogg, dressed in a John Bull uniform and with a Union Flag draped around his shoulders, tried and failed repeatedly to pick up the gun during the photoshoot for Popular Brexiter magazine and eventually had to be given a balsa wood replica.

A magazine insider revealed: ‘It was pretty grim, to be honest.

‘He was hoping to demonstrate Britain’s staunch support for Ukraine by posing -Volodmy Zelenskyy- style with his weapon slung across his chest but just couldn’t lift the thing from the table.

‘At one point, one of the makeup girls tried handing it to him, but his knees buckled and he went down like a sack of spuds.

‘Luckily, we had a balsa imitation handy so we went ahead with that.

Rees Mogg, never known for his physical prowess, famously spent a number of hours trying to twist off the cap from a jar of Fortnum and Mason Gentleman’s Relish before it was pointed out to him that he was turning it the wrong way.

At least Ukrainians don’t have to wear a face-covering on the bus, says Laurence Fox

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Fox pictured masturbating through his trousers on the 130B from West Croydon to South Norwood last night

Controversial actor and right-wing, ‘Freedom To Choose’ campaigner, Lawrence Fox, caused a storm on social media last night when he tweeted that the embattled people of Ukraine should be grateful that they’re not being advised that wearing a face mask on public transport is the sensible option to avoid further transmission of covid 19.

In a series of outbursts, the former Inspector Morse actor stated: ‘These Ukrainian johnnies don’t know they’re born.

‘Yes I realise they’re being shelled morning, noon and night by a Russian army being led by a murderous lunatic, but they need to spare a thought for those of us who are constantly being harangued by the authorities to protect others from a potentially lethal virus by wearing face nappies on public transport.

‘I remember wearing one of those disposable paper ones for over ten minutes on the 47 bus to Surrey Quays at the height of the pandemic and when I took it off my chin and a bit of my neck had gone all red.

‘I felt oppressed and victimised by an authoritarian neo-communist regime and immediately called my mum to tell her what I was going through.

‘I’d love to see how some of these Ukrainian bedwetters would deal with that sort of trauma.

‘They don’t realise they’re born these damn people’

Although Fox’s comments were met with widescale derision he was backed up by Britain’s Got Talent judge and conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, who tweeted: ‘Lawrence is right. I wore a visor on the train from London Bridge to Thornton Heath once, a journey of around twelve minutes, and when I got off one of my tits was bigger than the other’

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