The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

“I made love to myself while I watched”: Local man’s shock claim.



man with box on head
Steamy footage of Mr Dell’s 1-on-1 sex romp taken on his phone last May


A 45-year-old local man has told The Whitechapel Whelk, that in May of this year, he engaged in a saucy romp with himself at his home in Dock Street while he furtively watched the entire proceedings.

Toby Dell, a married carpet fitter, with 5 children, told us: The wife was staying with her sister in Southend. She’d taken the kids with her so I was alone in the place.

“It was a Saturday evening like any other really. I was having a few beers and watching a bit of sport on the box.

“I got up to get another can from the fridge when I spotted my reflection in the mirror. It was then that I noticed how damnably attractive I was.

“My heart was almost beating out of my chest as I felt my own hand gently caressing my neck and then my chest, before moving lower.

“Before I knew it, I was naked and rolling around with myself in front of a roaring log fire. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world.

“When it was over, I got dressed and went for a long walk, barely able to believe what had happened. I felt ashamed and dirty, and yet somehow more alive than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

“When my wife came back, I could barely look her in the eye and knew at once that it could never happen again.

“I have now turned the mirror around in case I become inflamed by my reflection again and have studiously avoided being in situations where I’m alone with myself.

“Since that day I have strayed just once when I accidentally caught a glimpse of my reflection in the television.

“Feeling all the old desire return, I flung myself at the screen and began kissing myself hungrily.

“Fortunately, my wife walked in and disturbed me before things went too far. I told her that I was adjusting the horizontal hold and the contrast.

I think I managed to get away with it, although she did ask me why I had my trousers around my ankles while I was doing it.”

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues in this piece, please contact:

The Onanist’s Advisory Bureau
22 Commercial Road
London E2


THIS WEEK: The G20 Summit

Trump & Putin 2

melania & putin

NEXT WEEK: The Gettysburg Address

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Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Boxing Council Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with two young children aged 2 and 4. During this hot spell of weather I bought a small inflatable paddling pool so that the little ones could cool down and have some fun in the water.

Unfortunately, when I got it home I discovered it had a hole in it so I took it back to the shop to ask for a replacement.

The manager was really rude and accused me of puncturing it myself through careless handling. I became really upset by this and started crying.

Please help if you can Danny as I’m struggling financially and simply can’t afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you so much.

Tracy Dell

Commercial Road



Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and asked to see the manager. When he came out of his office, I stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose

I then went to work downstairs, landing some really meaty body shots which sent him to the deck like a sack of spuds

Next, I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys and finished the job by stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

One of the girl shop assistants then started begging me to leave him alone, saying that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

I then took his wallet from his jacket and took all the wedge out. There was over 200 sovs in there which I’m sending to you so you can buy the saucepan lids a decent pool. One of those ones with solid sides would probably be favourite.

All the very best sweetheart, and if you get any more grief from this slippery mug just let me know and I’ll dive round there again and give him another straightener.

All the very best, princess

Your pal


Danny Sparko is Head Doorman and Features Editor of The Grievous Bodily Gazette

Grenfell disaster survivors should be “kicked up the arse” in case they’re illegals, says ex-Tory minister.


There was a mixed reaction amongst Conservative party supporters last night after ex-Employment Minister, Norman Tebbit, called for the survivors of the Grenfell Tower fire disaster to be kicked in the buttocks in case they have entered this country illegally.

Tebbit, 147, told pressmen, “In my view, all these people should be given a really hard kick up the arse just to be on the safe side.

“It’s bad enough that they are being offered hotel rooms to stay in at the taxpayer’s expense with absolutely no prior checks to ensure that they hold a British passport.

“If I were running the show, they would all be lined up outside the wretched building and given a bloody good boot in the seat of their pants on the off-chance that they might be sponging off the state.

“Except the white ones. If they claim to be Brits we’ll just take their word for it, as long as they have a rudimentary knowledge of cricket and can ride a bicycle.”

In other news, US President, Donald Trump, has called for the mass slaying of all Mexican infants born in that country within the last 3 years in case they try to climb over the wall into America when they grow up.

Frozen sewage from aircraft killed my wife claims local man


Splash down. A block of human jobbies pictured falling harmlessly into the River Thames in 1987


A 60-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk how a block of frozen faecal matter and urine from a passing aircraft struck his wife on the head as she was hanging out washing on Monday afternoon, killing her instantly.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver, told us: “I was sitting in a deckchair in our back yard, having a cup of tea and enjoying the warm weather.

“My wife Mary was hanging a few bits out on the line, when, completely out of the blue, a huge block of frozen effluent plummeted from the sky and struck her on the head.

“She never stood a chance, to be honest. I realised it was game over when I noticed that the impact had driven her into the ground up to her knees.

“I just called an ambulance and they took her straight to the hospital morgue.

“I wouldn’t have minded but the ice quickly melted in the hot sun and I was left with about 20 to 30 human rockets lying all over the yard.

“I managed to scrape most of it up with the shovel we use for clearing up after our dog and put it in a tin bucket.

“I’ve been gradually flushing it down our outside bog over the last few days but it’s not been a pleasant task I don’t mind admitting. The thawed-out piss has made a right mess of our lawn too”

This is the second time in recent years that a chunk of ‘blue ice’ from a passing aircraft has caused problems for locals.

In January 2008, a chunk of frozen sewage from a Boeing 747 killed a local woman’s pet tortoise after it crashed onto a cardboard box in her garden in which the creature had been hibernating.


Pilchard Spittlejohn Exclusive: London nurses swan off to local cafe leaving hospitalised youngsters to die


Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse and were convinced that this country’s going to hell in a handcart, I can now exclusively reveal that 3 highly-paid National Health Service nurses took 10 minutes off from a 12-hour shift at Great Ormond Street Hospital For Sick Children on Monday to gorge themselves on cups of coffee and cheese rolls while their vulnerable charges were left alone to die, with only hospital cleaners, a few other nurses and a couple of consultant paediatricians to save them from a lonely and agonising last few hours.

These members of the so-called, ‘caring profession’ were seen queuing for refreshments in a nearby cafe before shamelessly sitting at a table and wolfing down the food they had paid for out of their wages, courtesy of the long-suffering British taxpayer.

At the time of going to press, I cannot say whether any or all of these callous individuals were foreign but I wouldn’t be at all surprised and neither should you.

I tried to contact the hospital yesterday but I was fobbed off by an NHS minion who told me they were too busy saving lives to talk to the press. A likely story.

You really couldn’t make it up could you? No wonder this country’s going to hell in a bloody handcart.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is features editor of Popular Gas Chamber Monthly.

The verb, ‘To Trump’, given alternative meaning by Oxford English Dictionary.

trump book with whelk reccomendation

The iconic and definitive dictionary of the English language, The Oxford English Dictionary, has made the unprecedented move of giving a verb a dual meaning in their latest 2017 updated edition.

The Verb, ‘To Trump’ which was originally described in the dictionary as the playing of a high-value playing card in a game of Bridge, – has now been giving the alternative meaning of describing an act of utter stupidity or bungling incompetence.

The latest edition, published yesterday, contains the following entry:

1 – To commit an act of gross stupidity
1.1 – “Auntie Maude really trumped when she entered that lion’s enclosure covered in BBQ sauce”

1 – A dullard or nincompoop
1.1 – “You really believe that Brexit is going to be good for Britain’s economy? Are you some kind of fucking Trump or something?!”

1 -Describing a particularly poor choice or decision
1.1 – “I told my girlfriend that asking me to cut her hair with a pair of long-nose pliers would be a big fat trumping mistake but she wouldn’t listen.”

1 – For things to take a decided turn for the worse
1.1 (informal) – “I thought my sat-nav was working ok until it all went a bit Trump and I drove over the edge of a cliff”

This latest amendment follows hard on the heels of the dictionary’s decision last month to include the verb: ‘To Spicer’. Meaning, to humiliate oneself in public by spouting a torrent of risible nonsense and barefaced lies in front of a room full of journalists.

‘Proud Brit’, Andy Murray, now just one match away from becoming, ‘Surly Scot’.


Murray. Champ or chump? We’ll find out later, won’t we?


As the Wimbledon lawn tennis championship gets underway later today, reigning champion, Andy Murray, has the added pressure on his shoulders of knowing, that should he fail to get past his first round match against World No. 134, Alexander Bublik from Kazakhstan this afternoon, he will be stripped of his ‘Proud Brit’ status by the English media and will revert to being dubbed ‘the surly Scot’ once again.

The Whitechapel Whelk’s sports correspondent, Danny SoZ, was under no illusions last night: “Listen, if Murray gets humiliated by this no-mark foreign idiot in the first round, myself and my colleagues will absolutely hammer the Scotch chump from arseole to Saturday.

“Make no mistake, his British status is hanging by a thread right now.

“I wouldn’t give his marriage much chance of survival either after we’ve dragged up some spurious, unresearched tripe about him trying to get his leg over Serena Williams in the dressing room or something along those lines.”

Britain’s hope in the women’s tournament, Johanna Konta, is also in action today on Court No. 1 against Su-Wei-Hsieh from Taiwan, and is hoping that a win against her lowly rival will prevent the media from changing her title of “plucky princess” to; “that foreign-sounding lesbian”

Letterz to The Editor

jo whelk meme

Dear Whitechapel Whelk Head Honcho

What a con these so-called police dogs are. I approached one outside an Italian football ground the other day and asked for the time. Instead of receiving the helpful response I’d expected, it bit me on the leg. As if this wasn’t bad enough, its handler then beat me about the head and body with a baton, rendering me unconscious.

Toby Pudenda

Bromley By Bow

East London


Dear Editor

I’ve just discovered that by filling my mouth with a number of magnets and then dipping my chin into a bowl of iron filings I can achieve that rugged, designer stubble look as sported by Sir Cliff Richard and other extremely butch, fiercely heterosexual celebrities.

Gus Fuck



Dear Whitechapel Whelk Gaffer

I’ve managed to save a small fortune on expensive foreign holidays scuba diving in the Caribbean by simply filling my bath with warm water and then throwing in a few colourful plastic fish.

I then dive in and clamp my mouth over the plug hole, breathing through the overflow pipe.

The Right Reverend Teddy Ashtray
Arsebishop Of Camdenbury


Dear Whelkmeister

I was watching the snooker last night when the commentator announced “Ronnie O’ Sullivan’s going to clear the table”

How refreshing, that in this world of overpaid sporting prima donnas at least one of them has the common decency to help his mum.

Frank Vulva

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