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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Donald Trump is a psychopath and an enormous, ocean-going dickwad, says Royal College of Psychiatrists

 

trump a sick man
As nutty as a squirrel’s undercrackers? The RCOP think so.

 

In a report released yesterday, Britain’s Royal College of Psychiatrists has concluded that President Donald Trump suffers from acute psychopathy and that he’s also a dickwad of pretty epic proportions.

In a comprehensive 20,000 word study, the report states: “Donald Trump is suffering from psychopathy and has a mental state that poses an enormous present danger to those around him and to the entire world in general.

“Our findings also conclude that he is, amongst other things; a dickwad of pretty frightening dimensions, a jibbering cockwomble, a capering baboon’s arse and an out-and-out award-winning, comprehensive bellend of absolutely heroic proportions”

These latest findings come hot on the heels of a report by the RCOP which has revealed that ex-UKIP leader and far-right political figure, Nigel Farage, suffers from a rare form of brain encephalitis and that he also presents all the symptoms of being a complete and utter, giddy fucking arseole and an insufferable nob.

farage twat

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EXCLUSIVE: Deaths from shame overtakes cancer as America’s biggest killer

trump whelk bigly and best

The United States Dept of Health has revealed that dying from shame has overtaken cancer as the biggest cause of death across the United States of America and draws direct parallels with the election of Donald Trump in 2016.

Latest studies indicate, that 1 in 3 Americans will be at risk of curling up behind the sofa and giving up the will to live during the remaining tenure of the Trump presidency, as opposed to 1 in 6 who will contract The Big C at some point in their lives.

A Department of Health spokesman said last night: “There was an initial sharp rise in shame-related deaths during the inauguration, with over 2 million Americans quietly succumbing to the humiliation of having a moronic, loud-mouthed sex offender as their commander in chief.

“This figure has climbed steeply ever since, showing distinct peaks at a number of stages of President Trump’s incumbency. These include the presidents baffling and rambling speech about uranium, his usage of the words, ‘bigly’ and ‘covefefe, his ‘Nambia’ gaffe, his affirmation that hurricane-ravaged Puerto Rico was surrounded by ‘big water…big ocean water’, and of course, his recent assertion that the US Navy was in possession of invisible planes just like the ones he ‘sees at the movies'”

The Department concludes, that should Trump win a 2nd term in office, the entire country will eventually consist of himself, a few members of his immediate family, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and a small family of hillbillies in Lousiana who are completely unaware of the existence of any government, and who spend their days playing the banjo and wondering why pregnancy occurs so frequently amongst their closest female relatives.

EDITORIAL: Whitechapel Whelk now being read by a tiny proportion of people in Vietnam.

peasant girl

We at The Whitechapel Whelk are happy to announce that we are now being read by somebody in the Indo-Chinese country of Vietnam.

We NEVER look at our stats as a general rule, as we regard the practice as a bit tragic and needy. However, yesterday, our sub-editor – who had been drinking quite heavily I hasten to add – drew it to our attention that somebody in Vietnam had read the piece we did, ripping the living piss out of self-published writers.

Personally, I like to think that it was a heavily pregnant peasant girl, toiling in a rice field under a burning sun, who, during a quick tea break, spotted the piece on her phone and had a little schadenfreude-based chuckle before giving birth to twins in the aforementioned field later that afternoon.

So, if you’ve ever been read by an impoverished worker from the 3rd world and would like to openly admit to looking at your stats – inviting ridicule and much ribald laughter and finger-pointing from those of us who regard the practice as being on a par with rubbing yourself up against people on the London Underground – why not drop us a line. It’ll be our dirty little secret. No self-publicists, please. -Ed

 

 

Amazon fury over timed masturbation breaks for staff

 

female-orgasm-exists
The shape of things to come? An Amazon worker pictured getting the job done at her work station yesterday

 

Workers employed by online retail giants, Amazon, have reacted furiously to the company’s latest directive which stipulates that every employee has to adhere to a strict 2-minute limit when masturbating in the workplace, whether it be in the toilets or a dimly lit area of the warehouse.

One man we spoke to, Toby Dell, 32, who has worked at the Whitechapel depot for the past 6 months, told us: “It’s absolutely outrageous. Who could possibly masturbate to completion in 2 minutes?

“I sometimes manage longer than that with my girlfriend, for God’s sake”

Dell’s female co-worker, Tracy Carter, 19, was also incensed by the new measure: “Two minutes? I’d barely have time to pull my knickers down and get my Tom Hardy pics out.

“When I was working in Boots in Oxford Street, our supervisor used to give us 5 minutes to clear our tubes, although she did bang on the toilet door if we went over our time”

A spokesperson for Amazon said last night: “We believe that 2 minutes is more than generous and the company has no plans at present to amend this directive.

“If people don’t like it they will have to blow their custard before they leave for work in the morning, or rub themselves against the conveyor belt until they shoot their bolts”

This latest controversial, time-saving move comes just 6 weeks after the company stopped people from having time-consuming bowel movements at work by pushing rubber bungs up their bottoms before each shift.

Fury as Olly Murs refuses to cap Bali volcano with his big face

olly meme

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, was under attack last night after refusing to use his enormous dial to cap the active volcano in Bali, where the Indonesian authorities have warned that an eruption is “imminent” and that widespread destruction and loss of life could result.

Murs, came under fire last Friday for what was seen in many quarters as his cowardly and foolish reaction to a bogus ‘terrorist incident’ in London’s Oxford Street when he barricaded himself in a storeroom and issued a number of hysterical tweets to his 9 million followers about hearing gunshots and telling people to run out into the street, in direct contradiction of the securities forces’ advice at the time.

Murs was unavailable for comment last night as he is reportedly still refusing to leave the storeroom until his mum comes to collect him, but his agent told us: “Olly is obviously very concerned about the fate that awaits the people of Bali should the volcano erupt, but he feels unable to fly there and use his massive face to cap the crater until his mum has picked him up from Selfridges and he’s had a day or two with his comfort ‘Blanky’ to recover.

Emergency services in Indonesia have now contacted, roly-poly, BBC Radio London breakfast show host, Vanesa Feltz, and asked her to cap the crater with her gigantic arse.

BBC agrees to allow partially penetrative sex on Strictly Come Dancing

 

strictly-come-dancing-2017-week-4-2
Strictly no-cum dancing. A male contestant pictured getting a bit of leg before the off on last night’s show

 

BBC bosses announced last night that recent calls for partially penetrative sex to be permitted on Strictly Come Dancing will be given the green light in the run-up to the final in December

In a brief statement issued last night, the Beeb said: “Male contestants will be allowed to have sex with their female partners during performances as long as they don’t push their cocks right in.

“Any couples who flout this directive and start going at it full pelt will be deducted points and will be automatically consigned to the dance-off”

The controversial decision comes just 2 weeks after BBC bosses agreed to allow female newsreaders to be back- scuttled over the desk by weathermen during the 6 o’clock bulletins on weeknights.

whelk dominatrix

Local woman attempts suicide after fish finger horror

 

fish fingers
Crumbs! Fish fingers similar to the ones that made Ms Dell throw herself in the drink pictured last night

 

A 22-year-old Whitechapel woman was recovering in hospital last night after being rescued from St Katherines Dock by passersby who spotted her throwing herself into the water with an anvil chained to her ankle.

Tracy Dell, a manicurist from Plaistow Avenue, is believed to have tried to take her own life after going out on a first date with a man she had met on Tinder, with fish finger crumbs and a bit of tomato sauce from an earlier snack, stuck to the corner of her mouth.

Her sister, Mary, 19, told The Whelk: “When she came back from the date she was really subdued and kept bursting into tears.

“I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her new fella had been reluctant to kiss her goodnight, and that when she’d checked in the mirror, she saw bits of fish finger and red sauce stuck to the corner of her mouth.

“It must have been the shame of it that made her throw herself in the dock. To be honest, I’d have done the same. Any woman would have.

“Hopefully, the oxygen starvation when she was drowning will have damaged her brain and she won’t have to keep reliving the horrible memory over and over for the rest of her life”

This incident is reminiscent of a similar occasion in May of last year when a 20-year-old Shoreditch woman threw herself under a speeding train at London Bridge station after a man she had met online pointed out that she had a dried bogie hanging from her nose while they were having a McDonalds in Cripplegate.

Storm as BBC insider reveals that The Blue Planet was filmed down Fergie’s massive toilet

 

fergie
Picture stolen from a magazine that ran this story for us yesterday and whose editor-in-chief will be too busy/drunk to care.

 

The BBC came under fire last night as a production assistant on the highly-acclaimed series, The Blue Planet, presented by Sir David Attenborough, revealed that a number of scenes were filmed under the water in the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson’s giant toilet.

The huge WC, believed to be the largest in the world, was specially constructed to accommodate her massive arse when she lived in Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 1990s.

The insider told newsmen: “We started running out of money halfway through the series and decided to save a few quid by filming some of the deep water scenes down Fergie’s gigantic toilet.

“We dropped a few tropical fish into the bowl and then went down ourselves in a 3-man sub to do the filming.

“Things were fine until Fergie came in for a morning shit one day and we had to manoeuvre the sub to dodge a few of her big logs after splashdown.

“At one point she let fly with a massive fart that made the water pretty turbulent, and things were touch and go as she followed up with a few minor squeakers, but we managed to escape safe and sound.

“I told Sir David what we’d done but he just said “Fuck it lads, nobody will know any different and we can use Fergie’s submerged chods as examples of weird and wonderful, marine rock formations”

Sir David was unavailable for comment last night but his housekeeper told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’ll be giving a statement when he comes back from filming a jungle documentary inside roly-poly BBC London broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz’s giant pants.

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