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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

I’ll protect vulnerable Scots from Sun’s rays with my big face says, Olly Murs

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Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, has vowed to shield the fair-skinned people of Scotland from harmful UVA rays during the current heatwave by blocking out the sun with his massive dial.

Murs told The Whitechapel Whelk last night: “If I can prevent one single Scotch person from getting sunburned by using my gigantic face, then my life will not have been in vain.”

The Dance With Me star plans to stand on a hill close to Hadrians Wall and blot out the Sun between the hours of 11.00 and 16.00 when the rays are at their most harmful.

It is believed that over 30,000 millilitres of sun cream will be applied to Murs’ gargantuan face by a team of over 50 makeup artists before he takes up his position at 11.00am today.

If you have fair skin like a Scotch person and are concerned about exposure to harmful UVA rays then stay indoors, you bloody idiot – Ed

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WORLD CUP LATEST: No sniggering please!

From our schadenfreude correspondent, Danny SoZ

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If you felt a warm glow of inner joy at around 16.45pm BST yesterday which resulted in a bout of prolonged self-hugging then join the club – Ed

 

 

 

McDonald’s to sell milkshake anal suppositories to eradicate use of plastic straws

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Bottoms up! A customer at the Whitechapel McDonald’s tucks into a refreshing strawberry and mango smoothie

From our, gritted teeth editor, Danny SoZ

In a bid to enhance their reputation as an eco-friendly organisation, McDonald’s have announced, that from November 1, all their shakes and smoothies will be sold as suppositories that can be administered anally, either in-store by counter staff, or taken away and enjoyed at home or in the workplace.

A spokesman for the company told The Whelk: “We see this as a major step forward in cleaning up the planet

“We saw that programme David Attenborough made about plastic waste in the ocean and it certainly gave us pause. That’s some pretty serious shit in our view and we intend to do what we can to take care of it.”

The scheme has already been rolled out in one or two outlets, including the restaurant in Whitechapel High Street where opinions were somewhat mixed.

Toby Dell, a 37-year-old forklift truck engineer, told us that his pineapple and mango smoothie suppository was, “a bit too sweet and not thick enough”

His wife, Tracy, 30, was more impressed and told us that her banana and strawberry, ‘Bargain Bullet’, was, “tasty and quite filling, but a bit too cold. It gave me that brain freeze thing” she laughed

McDonald’s announcement comes just 2 weeks after rival fast-food giant, KFC, announced that their Bargain Buckets would now also be available as a nicotine replacement style patch in a bid to cut down on high street littering.

BREAKING

From our, ‘If Only’ correspondent, Sofia Dee

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It was actually: ‘TRUMP SLAIN IN WHITE HOUSE DRIVE BY SHOOTING’ but we couldn’t fit it all on the tablet mock-up – Ed

Cher gives birth to 93rd child in Sacremento McDonald’s restroom

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I Got You Babe: Cher pictured outside the maternity ward last night

Pop legend, Cher, yesterday announced, that last Tuesday afternoon, she gave birth to her 93rd child during a visit to the ladies facilities at a McDonald’s restaurant in Sacremento, California.

The clearly emotional, ‘Gypsies Tramps and Thieves’ singer, told newsmen: “It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

“I went into the little girls’ room to lay a loaf after a heavy meal and emerged with another kid.

“I mean what are the chances for God’s sake? Hell, I didn’t even know I was pregnant”

The, ‘It’s In His Kiss’ star, now has 63 girls and 30 boys, all by different fathers, and is fast catching up with close friend, Meryl Streep, who has 106 mixed race children and who is currently in a Detroit maternity unit awaiting the birth of her 3rd set of triplets.

Millions of Germans engage in brief bouts of grim-faced joyless robotic sex following last-gasp World Cup victory

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Donner und Titzen! A saucy German couple pictured last night

It was estimated last night, that following their team’s injury-time winning goal against Sweden in the World Cup, millions of German couples rose stiffly from their armchairs and preceded to the bedroom where they copulated in complete silence like automatons for a brief period before falling asleep on their backs with their arms tight to their sides.

We spoke to one German ex-pat, now domiciled in Whitechapel, last night

Toebheim Von Dellhoerst, 57, told us: “When the winning goal went in, both my wife, Tracelieb, and myself knew what we had to do to honour The Fatherland.

“We rose from our chairs, brought our heels together smartly and proceded upstairs where we mated briefly in silence. We then bade each other a curt goodnight and took our repose.

“Should the team go on to win the trophy, we will, of course, be repeating the process, possibly for two nights on the trot”

It is estimated that approximately 9 months from today, a number of infants will be born, all of whom will potentially become ill-tempered, humourless bores with angular heads, a cruel streak and appalling dress sense.

Fly’s incessant buzzing ceased the very instant local man reached for spray can

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A bastarding bastard pictured last night

A 37-year-old Whitechapel man last night told a Whelk reporter that a housefly that had been plaguing him for over an hour miraculously fell silent immediately after he’d picked up a can of fly spray and removed the plastic top

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver from Bethnal Green Road, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching the England v Tunisia match when this fly started buzzing around my head

“As time passed, the buzzing seemed to get louder and louder; then it started landing on me from time to time.

“I had it on my head, my leg, on the back of my hand, and even in my ear.

“I’m an animal lover at heart, but I wanted this fly dead so much I could taste it.

“I reached for the spray, gave it a shake and took the lid off and immediately the buzzing stopped.

“I was furious. I turned the telly off and strained to listen, but there was nothing.

“Eventually, I gave up and just sprayed the entire room on the off chance of killing the fucker. I pray that I did and that it’s now condemned to some kind of diabolical fly Hades where it will languish in agony for all eternity”

It is estimated that thwarted fly-killing causes the deaths of over 2 thousand Londoners per year, with many succumbing to heart-related deaths during the chase, and even from falling out of windows as they’ve frantically pursued the creatures around the room with a rolled-up newspaper or a battery-operated tennis racket-style ‘zapper’.

America continues to dither over impeachment as Trump slays 15 reporters at White House press conference.

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Under fire. Trump greets newsmen gathered outside The White House last night

The United States House of Representatives were undecided as to whether to bring impeachment proceedings against President Donald Trump after he opened fire on journalists at a heated press conference yesterday.

After being repeatedly grilled on the activities of his controversial Trump Foundation, a clearly enraged Trump, seized an assault rifle from under the lectern and opened fire on the assembled newsmen and women, killing 15 and leaving dozens more wounded.

Trump then fired a prolonged burst of gunfire into the ceiling before storming out.

A spokesman for The House of Representatives said last night: “On the surface, there looks like there may be grounds for starting impeachment proceedings, but first we need to look at the evidence and go through the required legal procedure.

“We could be looking at a number of years before we have accumulated the evidence necessary to get the process underway.

“In fact, the President will probably be long dead before anything concrete is decided”

Trump remained unrepentant last night, tweeting: ‘Those lousy fake news assholes had it coming. Maybe if Obama had taken a few out during his losing presidency it wouldn’t have been left for me to clean up the damn place”

White House press officer, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night told a hastily-called press conference that the president had felt ‘under threat’ from ‘verbally aggressive’ newsmen and was merely exercising his right under the 2nd Amendment to open fire on anyone he felt might be becoming a problem.

Woman watched date sniff wine’s bouquet with unbridled hatred

 

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A pretentious irritant pictured last night

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman came the closest she’s ever been to murderous hatred as she watched her date for the evening sniff at the wine sample he had been given by the waiter to make a judgement on its bouquet.

Tracy Dell, a solicitor’s clerk from Leman Street, told The Whelk: “Make no mistake if I’d been armed I would have shot this pretentious prick right between the eyes.

“Presumably, he thought I’d be impressed by his suave savoir-faire, instead of which, I just wanted to smash the bottle over his head and get the hell out of there.

“After the main course, I chose two helpings of the most expensive dessert on the menu, ordered 3 glasses of vintage cognac and then just put my coat on and left him sitting there.

“I just want him to rot in hell, to be honest”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 22-year-old Bethnal Green woman pinioned her date’s hand to the restaurant table with her fork after he’d asked the waiter to allow their bottle of Portuguese vinho verde to breathe for ten minutes before pouring.

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