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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Strange But True #8713

brexit ferry cock up

This spoof front page, my friends, is based on a factual event which took place in this sceptred isle last week and is indicative of the complete shitshow that Brexit has now become.

Sometimes, our work as satirists is made simple by the actions of politicians.

This debacle is a case in point.

Still, we’ve got our country back, my friends!

Now, who ordered the Quatro Formaggio deep crust with pineapple?

ray liotta brexit meme

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Sword Swallowing and You: A Pictorial Essay

marvo

It is with deep regret that we must tell you that Marvo lost his battle and was taken from us on Christmas Eve 2018.

He will be remembered for his CUTTING  wit, his SHARP intellect, and his willingness to SHIELD others from harm while backing them up to the HILT etc.

May he rust in peace – Ed

Facebook crackdown on ‘misleading avatars’

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Our sub-editor and sports correspondent pictured in the pub earlier

Social media giant, Facebook, has announced that anyone caught using a profile pic that’s over 10-years-old or one that’s been ‘doctored’ to make the account holder look passably attractive will be publicly shamed and then banned for life

A spokesman for Facebook told a press conference yesterday: “Anybody trying to hoodwink other account holders into believing that they are much younger by displaying an avatar using a picture taken when they were in their late teens or early twenties will have their account permanently removed.

“The same thing applies to people who use filter-enhancing software to mask the fact that have more wrinkles than an elderly shar-pei dog and generally look like shit on a stick”

This move follows hot on the heels of last months crackdown on fake profile pics by social media rivals, Twitter, who sent out death squads to gun down pathetically out-of-shape and ugly men who use pictures of bodybuilders as their avatar in a desperate attempt to get women to notice them.

Classic literature and its part in our castigation

little house

Following the recent publication of a previous SIHOTP gag elsewhere, the editor of the magazine concerned received a number of complaints about poor taste and depravity, with one poor woman wailing that the piece had made her, “sick to my stomach”

So with this in mind, we have redoubled our efforts and will now be turning these out just as fast as we can come up with them.

We will, however, be offering readers a free bottle of Milk of Magnesia in the event of any stomach-related issues which may result. – Ed

‘Frail’ Prince Philip now communicating using a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp

A_Wren_transmitting_messages_using_an_Aldis_lamp_in_1944._D19088
A young woman pictured signalling to her boyfriend with an Aldis Lamp last night

A source close to the royal family yesterday revealed that The Duke of Edinburgh now has to communicate with family members and members of the royal household via a ship-to-ship Aldis Lamp.

The frail Duke, now aged 112, can no longer speak, other than to utter the odd cuss word, and now uses the lamp exclusively from his bath chair or horse and carriage.

The palace insider told a magazine: “The Duke even uses his Aldis at the dinner table and got a rather lengthy telling-off from The Queen over Christmas dinner when he temporarily blinded her while complaining about the consistency of the plum pudding”

The Duke’s current plight mirrors that of Tsar Nicolas II of Russia who, in his later years, had to make small talk at royal functions using Morse Code.

Local man pitches tent next to laptop in readiness for online January sales

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Online bargain hunters pictured on The Southbank last night

A 40-year-old man from Vallance Road has pitched a tent alongside his laptop in a bid to be the first to grab a bargain at the January online sales.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer and father of 5, told us: “There’s no way I’m going to miss out on saving a few bob this year.

“As soon as the online sales start, I’m going to have my lid up and be logged on before all the bargains get snapped up.

“I’ve got my eye on a colour telly from Curry’s that’s being knocked down to 200 quid and I’m also hoping to pick up a set of saucepans that are going for half-price on Amazon.

“It’s not easy sleeping in a tent next to my lappy and I’ve had a bit of trouble from passing family members coming home from the pub.

“My missus threw a lit firework through the tent flap on Christmas Eve, and last night, a couple of the kids had a shit in a baking tray and tipped it over my head when I came out to do a bit of cooking on the camping stove”

This year, more and more people are sleeping next to their computers with emergency services issuing guidance on safety measures after a 23-year-old woman from Cripplegate died from exposure in her sleeping bag after camping alongside her iPhone for 6 nights hoping to snap up some cut-price tights in the Boxing Day sales on eBay.

Number of attractive women desperate to have sex with losers from the internet set to soar in 2019

pretty girls
Attractive women, some with brazen watermarks signalling their desperation, pictured in predatory mood last night

A recent report suggests that the number of women who are desperately keen to sleep with random men who make contact with them on the internet is set to soar in 2019.

This spells bad news for men right across the globe who are already under siege from the barrage of attractive women, desperate to have sex with any Tom, Dick or Harry that makes contact with them online, irrespective of looks, weight, disposition or personal hygiene.

A spokesman for Cambridge University in England, who conducted the survey, said last night: “Already we have seen a huge upsurge in the numbers of women who are mad keen on getting down to business with no-mark douchebags and unsavoury chancers who sidle up to them online and make inappropriate remarks.

“Our findings indicate that the vast majority of these women are already naked, or, at the very least, scantily clad in French maid’s outfits, when they go online, desperate to find some unwashed limpdick scumbag to give them the good news”

These latest findings mirror those of a recent survey conducted by The University of London which revealed that Britain’s full-breasted beauties are desperately keen to be sent a lot more pictures of men’s penises.

LIFESTYLE

fem trout

No matter what you hear to the contrary, the editor-in-chief of the failing Daily Dafty with its pathetic readership of a paltry 7000-plus and growing, was NOT behind the production of this graphic.

It was conceived, written and produced by us in its entirety while he looked over our shoulders, marvelling at our comedic brilliance and our smudge producing dexterity, ok?

In fact, he can only dream wildly of one day being on a par with us in terms of quality of output, the physical attractiveness of our staff and our legendary bedroom gymnastics, ok? – Ed

PS: Have no fear ladies. We intend to produce a female-friendly antidote to this nonsense in the form of The Misogynist Monthly in just a few days from now. 

This will once again be with absolutely no assistance from the losing, Daily Dafty and their rat fink graphics desk operatives, ok?

New Year’s Honours Bombshell: Lulu to receive knighthood

lulu
The singer pictured at The London Palladium in 1901

In a surprise move, Her Majesty The Queen has given her blessing for the bestowal of a knighthood on Scottish pop icon, Lulu.

The 107-year-old Shout singer will become, Sir Lulu of The Lake, and will be given a small castle and a problem council estate on the outskirts of her beloved Arbroath.

She spoke to newsmen from outside her home in Bermondsey in South London last night: “Well you know I feel…ALLLLLLLL RIIIIIIIIIIGHT!” she said

There was another shock in this year’s New Years Honours list when it was announced that pop icon, Olly Murs, is to receive an MBE for allowing his massive face to be used as a car park during the 2012 London Olympics.

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