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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Londoner suffers fatal stroke following northerner’s attempt to strike up conversation on bus

yorkshire

A 45-year-old London man was killed instantly by a fatal stroke yesterday when a man from the north of England tried to begin a conversation just moments after sitting down next to the deceased man on a Number 24 bus from Pimlico to Hampstead Heath

Witnesses say the northerner seemed to target the lone male who was on his way to work in Charing Cross when the incident occurred.

A woman on board at the time told us: “He just sat down next to this poor man and began chatting.

“It was devasting to witness and it’ll be a long time before I can get the imagery of that northerner’s face out of my head

“He even seemed to be smiling while he did it, for God’s sake”

The attacker was overpowered by fellow passengers and handed over to police, who wrestled the man to the ground and handcuffed him before taking him to Ebury Bridge police station where he remains in police custody awaiting an appearance at Horseferry Road magistrates court on Monday morning, charged with affray, resisting arrest, manslaughter and overfamiliarity.

This latest incident comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Spitalfields in East London, died in the arms of fellow commuters when a man from Sheffield in South Yorkshire approached her on the platform of Shadwell tube station and reportedly said: “‘ow do missus. It’s turned out reet nice again ah see”

Editor’s Note: It’s a complete myth that Northerners are warm and friendly while Londoners are taciturn and rude. Now get out, the lot of you! GO ON! GET OUT!

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Local woman ‘delighted’ with husband’s cement mixer birthday gift

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Cementing their relationship. Mrs Dell’s birthday gift pictured last night

A 50-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she was extremely pleased when her husband gave her a cement mixer for her birthday last week.

Tracy Dell, a housewife from Commercial Street, told us: “When my husband, Toby, told me to cover my eyes while he led me out into the garden on my birthday I knew I was in for something a bit special.

“When he finally said it was ok to look and I saw that cement mixer on the garden path I was speechless, to be honest

“Then, when he explained that he was going to use it to build a retaining wall for the woman next door, I was so overcome I broke down and wept.

“He’d even bought me two sacks of Portland cement and 5 of builder’s sand to go with it, the darling”

We asked to speak to Mr Dell but Mrs Dell explained that he’d gone on holiday for a rest and wouldn’t be back for quite some time.

She did show us her brand new patio though, explaining that her husband had put his ‘body and soul’ into building it.

This piece is based on a true story told to us by our graphics editor, whose dad once bought her mum a cement mixer for Christmas. He later made up for it by getting her a TV aerial for her birthday. I don’t know if he suffered the same fate as Mr Dell, however. She became evasive when questioned further – Ed

CHILDREN’S CORNER

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¬©Children’s Corner is sponsored by the Nancy Pelosi Demented Republican-Baiter’s League

People who stand up before the train arrives at the station ‘scum of the earth’ claims report

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People pictured standing on a train yesterday

A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.

“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.

“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains

“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.

ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

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HEALTH SERVICE WOULD BE CRIPPLED BY HARD BREXIT SAYS HEALTH SERVICE

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Ah yes, a good, old-fashioned sovereignty rub. That’s the stuff to give the disease-riddled spawn of the peasant classes.

And if that doesn’t work, a damn good thrashing with a nice new, blue passport would put the colour back in the little blighters’ cheeks – Ed

Home Office: Anti-Vaxxers and Flat Earthers to be run over by spiked steamrollers

tinfoil twat

The government yesterday announced plans to have all people who refuse to have their children vaccinated or who won’t accept that the earth is round, run over en masse by spiked steamrollers.

A Home Office spokesman told a press conference last night: “In the government’s opinion, ocean-going numpties who flatly refuse to accept irrefutable evidence gleaned over many years of exhaustive scientific research are a threat to the gene pool as well as being wearisome irritants.

“We are therefore proposing that they are rounded up over the next few weeks and taken to an abandoned airfield where they will be made to lie down in the path of spiked steamrollers.

“The government doesn’t care how much laughable research on the internet these weapons-grade fucknuts have done and nor will the blokes driving the steamrollers

“At the end of the day, it’s what most sensible people would want, trust me”

This latest move comes just a week after a splinter group of centrist Labour and Tory MPs called for people who still believe that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country to be slashed with knives and then tossed into tanks containing starving piranha fish.

WORLD NEWS

Trump/Kim talks falter. Trump alludes to “some differences but a meeting of minds” – Associated Press

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