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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

White House fury at local school’s plans to replace dunce’s cap with Trump wig

 

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Artist’s impression of how the Trump Wig will look on a particularly idiotic pupil.

 

A Whitechapel infants school’s decision to replace the old style dunce’s cap – traditionally worn by slow-witted pupils – for a bright yellow “Trump Wig” has been met with a furious reaction from the Trump administration and from the President himself, who labelled the plan, “very sad” and called the headteacher of St Clements Infants School in Commercial Road, “a bigly fat loser”

Speaking to The Whitechapel Whelk last night, headteacher, Mrs Tracy Dell, 45, said: “I’m sorry if Mr Trump and his administration are upset by our plan to make the school dullards wear a bright yellow Trump wig, but we wanted to move with the times and what better way to humiliate the really thick children in our care than to make them resemble an ocean-going idiot like the current President of the USA?

“If it’s any consolation to our American friends in The White House, the wig will be used very sparingly and will only be worn by pupils with a spectacularly low IQ.

“It will be issued only to kids who can’t spell their own name, or are incapable of walking and talking at the same time. That sort of thing”

In other news, an exclusive girl’s school in Surrey has come under fire from parents after the headmaster announced plans for errant girls to be made to ride a horse around the playing field topless, in what he has described as, “doing a Putin”

Ant & Dec on £25 a week each claims report.

Ant-Dec

from our showbiz and moon-faced, little Geordie bastards editor, Danny SoZ

Popular TV hosts, Ant & Dec, earn a staggering £25 a week each according to a new report out today.

The Daily Mail claim that the duo have been on the same salary for the last 30 years, making them among the lowest paid TV stars in the world after entertainer, Bruce Forsythe, who was on £15 a week until he retired last year with a small invalidity pension, and American chat show host, David Letterman, who earns $500 a year plus Luncheon Vouchers.

A spokesperson for ITV, for whom the two popular Geordies present Saturday night staples like, I’m A Celebrity and Britain’s Got Talent, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “The boys have been on 25 quid a week since we first signed them up to present a couple of kids programmes back in the 60s.

“They’re perfectly happy with the arrangement and we do sometimes let them have the odd free lunch from the catering van if they’re a bit short at the end of the week.”

We spoke to the pair outside their shared bedsit in Sunderland last night and asked them if rumours about their earnings were accurate.

Dec, 73, told us: “Way aye man. I diven’t nah how much we earn to be honest with you. But it must be a canny bit because we always have enough at the end of the week for ganning doon the toon for a pie and a pint man”

Partner Ant, 71, seemed equally happy. “Aye bonny lad, as long as we’ve got enough cash for a good feed and a bottle of Newcastle Brown we’re happy like.

“We’ve still got £1.50 left over from last week as it happens, so we’re thinking of putting our presenting suits on and ganning doon the toon to see if we can tash on with a couple of canny lassies and gi’ ’em a shagging back at wor place like”

Ant and Dec are now appearing at The London Palladium presenting a live version of Saturday Night Takeaway as well as clearing away glasses in the bar afterwards for £1.50 an hour plus tips.

Government launch urgent Grenfell Tower fire investigation after Chelsea woman reports soot stains on her net curtains.

SOZ SATIRE

Grenfell-Tower-Fire-Huge-Blaze-Breaks-Out-in-24-Storey-Residential-Block A blot on the landscape. Grenfell Tower pictured upsetting the neighbours yesterday

Prime Minister, Theresa May, has ordered a top-level enquiry into the causes of the devastating fire that raged through 27 floors of Grenfell Towers in North Kensington yesterday after the wife of a venture capitalist complained to her local authority that soot and small fragments of burnt debris from the fire had collected on her net curtains.

Mrs Mary Fotherington-Smythe, 52, told reporters gathered outside her home in Cheyney Walk, Chelsea, last night: “The Filipina girl had just washed the nets and hung them at the window to the billiards room when I noticed that some sooty smuts had been blown onto them from that blasted fire up the road in the poor area.

“It really is not good enough and I have complained personally to The Lord Mayor of London who expressed his concern and has informed…

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Britain’s men breath communal sigh of relief as Idris Elba is exposed as being useless at darts

Victoria's Secret Supermodels Celebrate The Sexiest Push Ups and The Victoria's Secret Swim Special
Smarmy, smug twat, Elba, pictured being the ‘Big I Am’ last night

There was a huge sigh of relief from Britain’s male population last night as heartthrob award-winning actor, adventurer, and seemingly flawless, all-round good guy, Idris Elba, put on an inept display while playing darts in a pub in Whitechapel yesterday afternoon.

Elba, 44, who has been nominated 4 times for a Golden Globe, was absolutely thrashed in a game of 501 by local ‘spear-chucker’, Toby Dell, a 47-year-old mechanic from Factory Lane.

Speaking to The Whelk from his home last night, Mr Dell told us: “When Idris Elba walked into that pub and asked if anyone fancied a game of spears nobody really fancied taking the boy on

“Because of his reputation as being good at everything, everybody thought he’d be a shit-hot player and would wipe the floor with all-comers.

“Against my better judgement, I stepped forward and volunteered to take him on in 3 games of 501.

“To my delight, he was absolutely crap from start to finish. When I finished with a double 8 after 16 darts he still had 437 on the board. I think his highest score was 25.

“As my final dart hit that double, everyone in the boozer started cheering and taking the piss out of him, calling him a flash bastard and a useless mug.

“He just finished his pint, put his arrows back in his top pocket and left. I’m pretty sure he was crying, to be honest.”

Elba couldn’t be contacted last night, but his agent played down the incident: “Idris was suffering from a detached retina after sparring for 12 rounds with World Heavyweight Champ, Anthony Joshua last week, so he probably couldn’t even see the board.

“He also had a bad finger after catching it in his fidget spinner the day before. He’ll be back for a rematch, no question”

Elba is currently shooting a new series of his highly-acclaimed TV cop show, Luther, where he will no doubt end up killing all the baddies with ease and will get to shag at least 3 really fit women while he’s about it.

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Screen Icons With Incontinence Issues #4563

THIS WEEK: Clark Gable and Carole Lombard

carole-lombard-clark-gable

NEXT WEEK: Judy Garland gets through 6 pairs of knickers while filming a dance scene in The Wizard of Oz

Local dwarf finds love with depraved woman of normal height

 

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Devoted. The happy couple pose for snappers outside The Blind Beggar last night

 

A 32-year-old Whitechapel man who suffers from the genetic condition of dwarfism has told The Whelk how he has found love with a sexually insane woman of normal height after hooking up with her on a website which caters for people with deep-seated and wholly unacceptable sexual perversions.

Tobias Dell, a furniture porter, who stands just 3′ 4″ tall, told us: “I’d pretty much given up all hope of finding a loving partner who would be willing to share my life with me.

“I’d tried all the usual routes to romance; tea dances, going to bars, lonely hearts clubs and so on. I even tried speed-dating once but I couldn’t see over the edge of the table.

“Then, more out of desperation than anything, I joined SickosUnchained.com, an online dating agency catering for people with depraved sexual urges.

“I’d only been a member for 10 minutes when this lady contacted me. She told me that she has a thing for small men and that I was right up her alley.

“Now, I visit her flat above a fruit and vegetable shop in Whitechapel Road every Tuesday afternoon where we have the most wonderful and fulfilling sex.

“She never fails to tell me how much she loves me afterwards and sometimes even gives me a 5 percent discount if I manage to get it over with fairly quickly.”

Disclaimer: The Whitechapel Whelk wishes to make it abundantly clear that we do not endorse prostitution or stunted growth in any way, shape, or form. As far as we’re concerned both of those things are a big no-no in our book.

Whitechapel woman accidentally rows 30 miles down The Thames while thinking about Tom Hardy

 

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A woman thinking about Tom Hardy in the olden days

 

The Whitechapel Whelk has learned that a 42-year-old local woman accidentally climbed into a rowing boat and rowed 30 miles down river while she was preoccupied by lurid thoughts about the actor, Tom Hardy.

Tracy Dell, a shop assistant from Commercial Road, told The Whelk: “I was walking along Lower Thames Street when I suddenly started thinking about how fit Tom Hardy is.

“The next thing I knew I was being towed to the shore at Canvey Island by the river police.

“I can only assume that I was so intent on thinking about Tom Hardy that I climbed into a boat at Tower Bridge and rowed 30 miles down river.

“It was worth it though as I managed to think of him taking his shirt off and slowly removing his belt as I rowed past Gravesend”

Mrs Dell’s husband, Toby, 53, told The Whelk: “She’s always doing this. Last week I had to go and fetch her from the Isle of Wight after she’d swum across The Solent thinking about Mr Darcy out of Pride and Prejudice emerging from a lake with his nob dangling out of his trousers”

In other news, a 25-year-old man from Shoreditch fell down a manhole while looking at pictures of the attractive blonde Irish political leader, Michelle O’Neil, on his phone.

The Casebook of Sherlock Homophobe: The Anti-Gay & Lesbian Victorian Detective

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The scene is Homophobe’s study at 221B Hetero street in Whitechapel, East London. The great detective and insufferable bigot is breakfasting at a small table when his great friend and staunch assistant, Dr John Mincing, bursts into the room in a state of great excitement:

Mincing – I say Homophobe, a young woman has sent us a communication indicating that she is in great distress and in need of our help.

She lives with her overbearing employer in a large house in Surrey, where she is a virtual prisoner, allowed only to leave the house for a solitary bicycle ride each morning.

It is during these brief sojourns that she has observed a fellow cyclist, a man dressed in black who follows her at a distance and then disappears as she arrives back at her place of residence.

The poor creature is in great distress Homophobe. Let us therefore not tarry old friend for I fear great harm may befall her.

Let us make for St Pancras and the first train south without delay!

Homophobe – You unspeakable, depraved wretch, Mincing! Do you not think that I can’t see through your vile gossamer-thin scheme sirrah?

It is quite clear to me that you and this sexually insane female creature are involved in a lascivious plot to slake your foul homosexual and lesbian lusts by ravishing me relentlessly and without pity.

It is my surmise, that upon our arrival, you will render me unconscious wth a blow from a life-preserver.

Then, both you and this abomination of womanhood will fall upon my helpless body, invading my most secret places with both tumescent penis and strap-on appendage alike, leaving my most tender orifices awash with your foul jism and secretions.

Now get out before I call a Bow Street Runner and have you arrested and transported to The New World!

Mincing – ????????????

Blogger’s book sales remain stagnant despite having added ‘Author’ to his pen name

 

A blogger on the popular WordPress website has told Soz Satire magazine that his self-published book sales have remained pitifully low, despite the fact that he has added the word ‘Author’ to his nom de plume.

Toby Author-Dell, 65, from Whitechapel in East London, told us: “When my self-published book was launched on Amazon in March this year I had such high hopes for its success.

“Hundreds of my WordPress followers had repeatedly told me of its merits in very glowing terms indeed, so my expectations of bumper sales were extremely high.

“However, it only sold 5 copies and those were to my wife and kids, and even they had to be bribed with a weeks holiday in The Algarve.

“I then noticed that a number of my fellow bloggers were adding a hyphenated description to their pen names, such as, novelist, poet, writer etc, so I decided to give it a try and paid the publishers a small fortune to get the byline on the front cover changed.

“Sadly, it has had no effect whatsoever other than to prompt a few internet trolls to rip the piss out of me on Twitter.

“My friends and family have begged me to quit the writing game, and even my doctor has told me that I’m suffering from the delusional condition, Dunning-Kruger Syndrome, but I have unshakeable belief in my ability and I’m going to keep churning out my stuff ad nauseum come hell or high water. I owe it to my readership at the end of the day”

Mr Author-Dell’s book: ‘A Poet’s Guide To Overcoming Erectile Dysfunction’ is available free of charge on Amazon’s online book site, although we’d heartily recommend that you give it a very wide berth indeed, to be honest.

Author/wordsmith’s note: This piece is in no way designed to make people who add rather optimistic job descriptions to their pen names feel like utter twats. Oh dear me no. That’s right out that is!

Kind Regards

Danny Bard-Novelist-Highly-Acclaimed Author-Literary Deity-Erstwhile Airline Pilot-SAS War Hero-Corporation Dustman-SoZ

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