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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Local internet troll blinded after emerging from dimly-lit bedroom

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A 32-year-old Whitechapel man with convictions for internet harassment was blinded by sunlight on Monday morning after leaving his poorly-lit bedroom for the first time in over 3 years

Forest Waldren, unemployed from Commercial Street, suffered retinal trauma when he opened his front door to leave for the local benefits office who had demanded an interview with him to explain why he hadn’t made himself available for work since November 2014.

His mother, Nadine, 52, told The Whelk: “It was pretty shocking, to be honest

“Forest opened the door and then let out this scream of pain.

“I rushed over to him and asked what was wrong and he just kept repeating, “I can’t see, mum. I can’t see!”

“It was quite upsetting really, although we weren’t that close

” In all honesty, I didn’t see much of him. I used to leave his meals outside his door, and, once a month, I’d wash one of my dressing gowns that he always wore for his sessions at the computer

“I asked him why he didn’t get a nice girlfriend but he just ignored me.

“Having said that, I did once notice a large inflatable doll in the corner of the room, dressed in a French maid’s outfit”

A spokesperson for The Royal London Hospital where Waldren is being treated told newsmen that he’s in a stable condition and last night managed to issue a misogynistic slur against the plumpish one out of Little Mix using braille.

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Jacob Rees-Mogg to be appointed Minister of Deceit

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It was rumoured last night, that staunch Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will be appointed, Secretary of State For Deceit in new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s first Cabinet reshuffle later on today.

This will make the Old Etonian backbencher responsible for issuing ludicrously optimistic statements about the United Kingdom’s fiscal outlook post-Brexit, as well as brazenly denying any semblance of government responsibility for the dire economic consequences as a result of a disorderly Brexit, should one take place.

Speaking from outside his Surrey home last night, Rees-Mogg told newsmen: “All of this is purely conjecture and media chatter, but if I were offered the position, I would welcome the opportunity of hoodwinking the electorate by issuing a constant torrent of misinformation and downright falsehoods whenever the situation called for it.”

When questioned about whether he would also be prepared to gloss over the new PM’s alleged domestic violence issues as well as his constant lying and overt racism he jotted down the name of the journalist concerned in a small pocketbook before declining to issue any comment

Facebook man gradually developing murderous hatred towards ‘thread stalker’

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A 43-year-old man from Whitechapel has told a local newspaper that he is slowly developing such an intense dislike towards a man on his friends list who makes comments on his every post that he now feels comfortable with the idea of murdering him in cold blood.

Toby Dell, a research chemist, told The East London Gazette: “Every single time I update my status, this bloke makes some sort of inane comment, often in the style of a character from a popular comedy show, such as Harry Enfield and Friends, or Dick Emery.

“Even when the subject matter is a serious political topic, this chump pops up with an inane comedic reference.

“Last week, I posted that my mum had passed away and he showed up as Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show and responded with, ‘Bugger!”

“It was then that I began to realise that I would cheerfully hack this chump’s head from his body with a blunt hatchet

“I mentioned this to my wife and she told me she feels exactly the same way about one of her Facebook friends who keeps harping on about yoga and how it’s changed her whole outlook on life”

In 2015, a 56-year-old man from Sheffield was given a life sentence for shooting and then dismembering a fellow Facebooker, who kept posting pictures of his recent holiday with his wife and kids in Albufeira.

‘Stand-offish’ Meghan refuses to allow newsmen to listen while she goes to the bathroom

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No royal wee: A defiant Meghan pictured last night

The Duchess of Sussex attracted more press criticism yesterday after she requested privacy when she goes to the toilet.

Under-fire, Meghan, was slammed by journalists who were refused permission to listen at the door while she went to the bathroom.

A spokesman for The Financial Times, one of the newspapers concerned, said last night. “This is the type of stand-offish behaviour that attracts criticism and puts all black Americans in a bad light

“We never had this problem with Princess Diana, who was more than happy to invite the media to listen to her on the toilet.

“She would even leave the door open on occasion so we could take a few shots of her pulling her knickers up for the gossip columns”

The Duchess’s press office issued a statement last night “The Duchess has requested that the press afford her some privacy while she goes to the bathroom.

“She feels that it would be undignified for her toilet noises to be made public, particularly now that she’s a mother.”

Meghan’s stance mirrors that of The Queen Mother, who, in 1953, barred newsmen from hiding behind the curtains during her sex romps with King George VI and their Red Setter.

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

I’ll stop bodies falling from aircraft over Britain with my big face says Olly Murs

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Following yesterday’s tragic incident when a stowaway on a Kenya Airlines aircraft fell into the back garden of a sunbather in Clapham, South London, pop icon Olly Murs has offered to use his huge face to prevent his fellow Brits from being killed or injured by falling illegals.

Murs plans to have helium-filled blimps attached to his wrists and ankles so that he hovers a few hundred feet above the ground’

Once in position, his big round face, which has a surface area of 91 kilometres, will act as a ‘safety net’ to catch any falling foreigners hoping to come over here to scrounge off the welfare state.

Murs himself was unavailable for comment last night as he is currently on tour in Croatia, but his mother, Violet, 108, told newsmen: “When Olly heard about the falling immigrant, he immediately offered his services to the government.

“Hopefully, his gigantic dial will do the trick and will protect any Britsh people from being harmed by illegals.

“Although, personally, I’m with Mr Farage and would like to shoot the bloody lot of them”

In related news, pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, has also offered to help with the problem by catching any falling foreigners in a pair of his gigantic, hi-waistbanded trousers.

Furious 5th place Hamilton blames other drivers for finishing ahead of him

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Hamilton, pictured last night with his customary, ‘face like a slapped arse’ when he doesn’t win

Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.

A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.

“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged

“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.

“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.

“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”

Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

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Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

Woman singing in holiday market a complete twat judges local man

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Gran Canaria, the paradise isle where the alleged twattery took place

A 42-year-old Whitechapel man last week made a snap judgement that a woman in her 30s that he spotted singing along to a contemporary pop song in a market on the holiday isle of Gran Canaria was highly likely to be, ‘a complete twat’ in her private life.

Toby Dell, from Vallance Road, told us: “As soon as I spotted this dozy bint, singing along to the hit, I realised that the chances of her being a weapons-grade irritant and a complete twat were a nailed-on certainty.

“I was sorely tempted to tell her to belt up and to stop acting the giddy arseole, but I had the wife and kids with me”

Dell’s outburst comes just a week after a woman from neighbouring Shoreditch told newsmen, that in her opinion, a middle-aged woman whom she had seen gyrating slowly to a Spanish pop song in a Pingo Doce supermarket in Albufeira in Portugal was ‘a fucking silly bitch’

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