Local Man Badly Beaten Following Wife’s Dog Toy Snub

Maggie pictured during happier times

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man was beaten bloody by his wife when their pet dog presented the woman with a toy that she considered hurtful and dismissive.

The couple’s two-year-old cockapoo was in the habit of selecting a particular soft toy from its basket in the living room to present to each of them according to how long they had been absent from the house.

For example, the cuddly donkey would be brought for a brief visit to the nearby shopping mall, whereas, a day-long trip into town would always warrant the presentation of a brightly-coloured, squeaky doughnut, with various other toys deployed according to the duration of absence.

On the day of the attack, Tracy Dell, also 54, had been on a six-hour shopping trip to London’s Oxford Street.

Upon her return, she was dismayed when the dog, Maggie, brought her a small, battered teddy and not the doughnut, which she felt the length of her absence warranted.

When her husband, Toby, spotted this, he began mocking his wife, telling her that the dog didn’t think much of her and couldn’t care less how long she was out for and probably wouldn’t even notice if she dropped dead in the street.

Mrs Dell responded by battering her husband with a length of copper pipe that she had fetched in from the shed, causing Mr Dell to sustain head injuries that later required over thirty stitches.

Mrs Dell told The Whelk that she had no regrets over the incident and that she would do the same again if the incident were to be repeated in the event that they ever get a new dog, as she has now put the pet in question up for sale.

Local Woman Knifed Husband Following Disappointing Dolphin-Spotting Trip

Dolphins pictured in full view last night

A 54-year-old woman from Whitechapel repeatedly stabbed her husband with a kitchen knife after a holiday dolphin-spotting boat trip ended in failure, an Old Bailey court heard yesterday.

Tracy Dell, a hairdresser from Berner Street, plunged the nine-inch blade into the chest and abdomen of her husband, Toby, after the boat trip’s quest for dolphin sightings off the coast of The Algarve in Portugal proved fruitless.

Mrs Dell admitted attempted murder and assault causing grievous bodily harm but claimed mitigating circumstances.

Under cross-examination from prosecuting counsel, Carter Shannon QC, Mrs Dell told the court:

‘When he booked that boat trip he told me that we’d definitely see dolphins.

‘I was really looking forward to seeing them in the wild instead of on the telly.

It was going to be the highlight of our holiday, so when we didn’t see any, I was gutted and went for him with the knife when we got back to our apartment.

‘Anyone would have done the same in my shoes,’ she insisted.

Giving Mrs Dell a six-month suspended sentence, Judge Helen Shay, told her: ‘While I recognise that you were sorely provoked and that your husband failed you in every way imaginable, I cannot, in all good conscience, condone your actions in this instance.

‘A good beating with a frying pan, combined with the complete withdrawal of conjugal favours for life would have been more than adequate given the severity of this man’s pathetic and utter failure to deliver on a concrete assurance’

In 2010, Judge Shay came in for public and media criticism after awarding a woman from Cripplegate in East London five hundred pounds from the public purse after she killed and subsequently dismembered the corpse of her husband who had taken her on a holiday jeep safari in Nairobi that failed to come across any giraffes.

I’ll Form Bombproof Canopy Over Gaza With My Big Face, Vows Olly Murs

Pop icon, Olly Murs, has revealed that he intends to shield the wartorn Gaza Strip from further destruction via Israeli airstrikes using his big face as a bombproof canopy.

Murs, 65, told newsmen: ‘I’m appalled by the destruction and the loss of innocent life that we see on our TV screens daily and have decided I can no longer stand idly by.

‘I have emailed the head honcho of Gaza, telling him that I’m more than happy to use my massive dial to provide shelter for these poor devils.

The Dance With Me star went on: ‘It’s the least I can do, and as soon as I’ve finished filming a Stars In Their Eyes Xmas Special, I’ll be on the first plane out there.

‘It’s not that I’ve got it in for the Jews per se as my next-door neighbour’s one and we get on pretty well, but you can’t have innocent women and kids getting blown to buggery can you?’

It is understood that Murs will be lifted above the area using a number of cranes which will position his enormous face above some of the hardest hit areas, including a recently targeted Gaza City refugee camp and a number of hospitals in Khan Younis that have been threatened with destruction by the Israeli Defence Force.

In other news, roly-poly Jewish broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz, told a rally of Pro-Israeli demonstrators in London yesterday that she intends to shore up Israel’s vulnerable northern border with Lebanon using her gigantic, wobbly arse.

Local Baby’s Pitiless Stare Led To Man’s Shock Murder Confession

‘I know what you did, fool’

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has confessed to murdering his wife after being subjected to the relentless stare of an 18-month-old baby on a London bus.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dock Street, came clean after becoming convinced that the child was an emissary of God, gazing into his soul, demanding that he confess to killing his wife in June 1997.

The youngster’s pitiless and remorseless gaze as it rested over its mother’s shoulder on the 24 bus from Pimlico led to Dell stumbling from the bus in Victoria Street and into a nearby police station where he told an astonished desk sergeant that he’d bludgeoned his wife, Tracy, to death with a pickaxe handle before tossing her body from Southwark bridge in a weighted sack.

We managed to trace the infant to an undisclosed address in East London last night. His mother told us: ‘I’m not surprised at all by this one, to be honest.

‘A few months ago, he began staring fixedly at my husband for over ten minutes which led to him blurting out that he’d been going balls-deep in his secretary every Thursday night after work since 2018’

Have you ever fallen victim to the unnerving, unblinking stare of an infant on public transport? I know I have – Ed

New TV Series Will Document Murders Committed in ‘The Smallest Room’

A new documentary series from the Crime Investigation TV channel will chart the various murders that have taken place in the lavatory during the last hundred years.

Following the successes of shows like: Murdered By My Mom/Dad/Aunty/Member Of Parliament/Woman Next Door etc, the channel hopes to boost viewing figures even further by chronicling the events leading up to and including the brutal killings that have taken place in the toilet, either before or during the time when the victim was having a shit or piss.

Entitled, Killed In The Khazi, the series will be on our screens in the new year.

Rival true crime channel, Sky Crime, has also announced plans to make a drama documentary based on the brutal slayings perpetrated in the East End of London by the notorious 19th-century Whitechapel fiend who murdered at least five prostitutes while they were on the toilet and was subsequently dubbed by contemporary newspapers as, ‘Jack In The Shitter.’

Local man ‘totally spent’ following concerted effort not to break wind on train next to attractive woman

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he was, ‘close to complete exhaustion’ after feeling compelled to bottle up what he thought was going to be an explosive fart while seated next to an attractive female on a train.

Toby Dell, from Leman Street, told us: ‘I’d just boarded the train at London Bridge and had settled down in an empty window seat.

‘The seat next to me was empty right up until the train began to pull out of the station when a really nice-looking young woman moved in next to me.

‘Almost immediately, I felt the telltale sensation of a fart on the brew and realised I would have to keep it tightly bottled in the bomb bay at all costs.

‘As station after station went by I could feel the pressure increasing until it was almost unbearable.

I began toying with the idea of unleashing a series of small squeakers to release the pressure a bit but I couldn’t run the risk of letting fly with an explosive ripsnorter by mistake.

‘By the time I got to my stop at Stratford, I was in very bad shape. My stomach was bubbling something cruel and there were tears running down my cheeks.

‘I mumbled my excuses to the girl as I tried to squeeze past her, but the effort was too great and I unleashed a deafening thunder-blast right in her face.

‘The stench was outrageous as I rushed out onto the platform, sick with shame and almost totally spent.

‘On the bright side, as I climbed the steep ramp from the platform, I managed to squeeze out a few more fairly decent botty burps which seemed to help propel me up to the ticket barrier.’

In 1967, a 47-year-old man from Bromley-By-Bow in East London collapsed and died from a brain aneurism at St James’s Park station on London Underground’s Circle Line after struggling to avoid unleashing a noisy ‘crowd-pleaser’ while seated next to a dancing girl from Soho’s Windmill Theatre.

US Calls For Aljazeera to Screen ‘Happy Days’ In Place of Gaza Reports

In an unprecedented move, US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken, has put pressure on the Qatari government, who control the groundbreaking Aljazeera news network, to tone down their unflinching, graphic coverage of the Israeli/Gaza conflict by screening episodes of 70s hit sitcom, Happy Days, instead.

‘I don’t think people are interested in having war crimes highlighted while at home relaxing’ he told newsmen.

‘Aljazeera should tone it down a little, cut out the imagery of bloodied and dying children and show Happy Days on a loop instead.

‘After all, who wouldn’t prefer to see The Fonz making out in his car with a cheerleader over yet another Israeli airstrike on a hospital?’

Critics in the media world, however, have called Blinken’s move outrageous and a cynical attempt to curry favour with the wealthy Jewish lobby in the States during the run-up to an election year.

Here in the UK, the reaction has been mixed, with Prime Minister Rishi Sunak offering the move his ‘wholehearted backing’ while Defence Secretary, Grant Shapps, asked reporters: ‘Aljazeera? Is that the little foreign chappie who runs that rather wonderful Lebanese eaterie at St Katherine’s Dock?’

Laughable conjecture, of course. I mean, an attempt by the US to stifle a respected broadcast medium is clearly for the birds…isn’t it? – Ed

Local man uneasy about relationship after partner inflates sex doll in bed

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he’s becoming concerned about the stability of his relationship with his partner after she began using a foot pump to inflate a male sex doll before placing it between them in bed.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck mechanic from Dock Street, told us: ‘When my girlfriend first began pumping up that doll I began questioning the direction our relationship was heading.

‘I suppose I tried to convince myself that it was a bit of light-hearted fun, but when she started having noisy sex with the doll on a nightly basis I realised there could be a bit more to it..

‘Over time, I became resentful of the doll and considered puncturing it or, at the very least, letting some of the air out so its penis would be on the soft and less effective, but I didn’t want to upset my partner as she was obviously quite fond of it and had probably forked out quite a few quid for it as they don’t come cheap apparently.

‘She has now started bringing it downstairs and sitting it around the table when we have meals and even chats to it about her day at work or stuff on the news.

‘Last week, we had a short break at the seaside and she told me to pump up the doll on the beach after I’d done the air beds and the beach ball.

‘I had to sit there looking on while she was splashing around in the sea with it.

‘At one point, she got on top of it and began paddling along with her arms.

‘She was trying to make it look all innocent but I’m pretty certain they were having sex, especially after she came up the beach carrying the doll and I noticed traces of fanny batter on its cock and balls.

‘I’m thinking of confronting her with my concerns but don’t want to cause a scene and have her walk out on me as she’s an extremely good cook’

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to become an Indian fakir and start sleeping on a bed of nails. – Ed

Deceased London Gangster Had a Quarter of a Million Great Friends

Mr Courtney pictured in happier times

Following the death of a well-known underworld figure yesterday, it has emerged that he had over two hundred and fifty thousand friends who have declared their strong and enduring bond with the deceased gangster on Facebook and other social media platforms.

Dave Courtney, 64, from South-East London, passed away yesterday following what is believed to be a self-inflicted gunshot and leaves behind a grieving family and countless people who were close and intimate friends, according to their status updates and outpourings on media reports of Mr Courtney’s demise.

At the time of going to press, there were also three thousand people claiming to be ex-nextdoor neighbours, ten thousand drinking companions in pubs the length and breadth of London, and over eight thousand men whose daughters, Mr Courtney dated and with whom he was always the perfect gentleman.

However, these figures are less than half of those associated with the late East London villains, the Kray twins, who, following their deaths, also had over two hundred thousand men claiming to have been shot, stabbed or beaten to a pulp by one or other of the brothers but who totally respected them afterwards, claiming that they only ever killed and maimed their own.