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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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anti-vaccination

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

Bill Gates will force vaccinated Queen to fellate Tom Hanks on live TV, says local anti-vaxxer

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A right royal blow? Her Majesty pictured at home last night.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman and prominent anti-vaccine advocate has told The Whelk that Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates, will use a microchip contained in the vaccine that was administered to Her Majesty The Queen yesterday to compel her to give oral relief to movie icon, Tom Hanks, live on the BBC.

Karen Thrawl, an Uber driver from Vallance Road, told our reporter: “Now that the Queen’s had the vaccine she will be under the total control of Bill Gates due to the chip and the first thing he’ll do is make her give Tom Hanks a noshing on TV to discredit her before taking over the monarchy himself.

“He will then make Tom Hanks, The Duke of Edinburgh, and George Clooney will be crowned Prince of Wales.

“They will then all live together in Buckingham Palace, drinking orphan’s blood to keep them young-looking while the Queen and Prince Philip will be put into the lizard enclosure at London Zoo.”

A spokesman for the royal family discredited Mrs Thrawl’s assertions last night: “Her Majesty has not expressed any desire to give Mr Hanks a gamming on the BBC, nor any other television channel, at this time, although, this could be because the chip hasn’t been activated yet” he told us.

Mrs Thrawl’s prediction comes just two weeks after a 35-year-old anti-lockdown activist told The Sunday Times that covid-19 is a myth and that all the dead people are just actors who will eventually jump out of their graves and take over the world led by George Soros and 1960s pop princess, Lulu.

STUDY: ‘Woo Woos’ who drink their own urine probably not best placed to advise on vaccines

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Taking the pee. An anti-vaxxer pictured bathing in human waste last night

A recent study carried out by Swansea University has found that people who routinely drink their own urine in the belief that it has restorative powers are probably not the best people to turn to when seeking advice on the side effects of vaccination, despite the fact that the anti-vax lobby and the urine consumers are often intrinsically linked on social media.

Speaking at a meeting of paediatricians in London, Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, said: “Our research has shown that individuals who drink their urine – I believe they are known as woo woos in the United States – are not qualified to offer advice on vaccines, nor indeed, anything else in my opinion.

“Our study revealed that a large percentage of these people have a history of mental illness and should be avoided at all costs, particularly if they offer you a glass of lemonade.

“Drinking urine has no health benefits whatsoever and may even be injurious to those who do it.

“In short, any kind of contact with our bladder contents should be avoided where possible. I don’t care what the president of the United States says”

Home Office: Anti-Vaxxers and Flat Earthers to be run over by spiked steamrollers

tinfoil twat

The government yesterday announced plans to have all people who refuse to have their children vaccinated or who won’t accept that the earth is round, run over en masse by spiked steamrollers.

A Home Office spokesman told a press conference last night: “In the government’s opinion, ocean-going numpties who flatly refuse to accept irrefutable evidence gleaned over many years of exhaustive scientific research are a threat to the gene pool as well as being wearisome irritants.

“We are therefore proposing that they are rounded up over the next few weeks and taken to an abandoned airfield where they will be made to lie down in the path of spiked steamrollers.

“The government doesn’t care how much laughable research on the internet these weapons-grade fucknuts have done and nor will the blokes driving the steamrollers

“At the end of the day, it’s what most sensible people would want, trust me”

This latest move comes just a week after a splinter group of centrist Labour and Tory MPs called for people who still believe that a no-deal Brexit would be good for the country to be slashed with knives and then tossed into tanks containing starving piranha fish.

The measles vaccine caused my 3-year-old kid to slay 27 says local mother

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A Whitechapel mother has told The Whelk that her 3-year-old daughter embarked on a killing spree that left 27 schoolchildren dead just 2 years after having been administered a vaccine to ward off measles

Tracy Dell, 22, told us: “It was just a day like any other. I parked my car at the top of a steep hill and left my 3-year-old daughter in the passenger seat while I went into a tobacconist to get some smokes and a Lucky Dip ticket.

“While I was in there, the kid must have released the handbrake causing the car to roll down the hill into a queue of schoolkids waiting for a bus.

“The next day, I did some internet research into kids who kill and it soon became obvious that the measles jab was wholly to blame.

“Apparently, vaccination causes all sorts of brain disorders, including, murderous psychosis

“I rue the day I took her for her shot, to be honest.

“In future, she can take her chances with killer diseases and the same goes for any other sprogs I have in the future.”

Mrs Dell asked that her fee for this interview be awarded to, ImbecilesAgainstImmunisation.com

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