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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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arses

I’ll crack walnuts between my butt cheeks to show support for Meghan, says Pippa Middleton

pippa
Nutcracker sweet. Pippa proudly displaying the buns of steel that wowed the entire nation

In a gesture of support for the underfire Duchess of Sussex, Pippa Middleton, the pert-bottomed sister of future Queen of England, Kate, has told friends that she intends to crack an entire quarter-pound bag of walnuts between the cheeks of her buttocks outside swanky, top people’s store, Harrods, next Tuesday afternoon in protest at Meghan’s treatment by the media.

A close friend of the powerfully-cheeked, ‘almost-royal’ told The Whelk: “Pippa’s really upset by the treatment that Meghan is receiving from the press on both sides of the Atlantic and wants to show her support.

“Also, she doesn’t like the way that Kate is getting all the attention these days, now that nobody’s talking about Pippa’s arse like they used to in the months after Wills and Kate got spliced.

“By cracking walnuts in her bum crack while holding a pro-Megs banner she’ll be able to show her support for Meghan, while, at the same time, draw people’s attention once more to her cracking set of buns”

Pippa’s protest is not entirely without royal precedent.

In May 1966, Princess Margaret, showed her opposition to the Labour government of Harold Wilson by removing her underwear at The State Opening of Parliament and shooting the entire contents of a packet of KP dry roast peanuts from her vaginal passage as the Prime Minister took up his seat in The House of Commons.

Whitechapel Funerals Proudly Bring You, The Undignitarse Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall
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We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just wants to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic “Cock Flasher” and the ever-popular “Minge Mate”

Whitechapel Funerals Ltd

22 Shit Street

Spitalfields

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WHELK FP SPINAL DISEASE

STOP PRESS: Whitechapel Man With No Legs Thrown Out Of Local Dance Hall For Arsing About.

1 in 5 travellers on the London Underground want to kick fellow passengers up the arse, claims survey

 

tube3_1
Travellers on The Picadilly Line pictured fantasising about booting each other up the arse last night

 

from our Travel and Bruised Buttocks Editor, Danny SoZ

A recent survey by Transport For London has revealed that 1 in 5 travellers on the tube would like nothing better than to kick a fellow passenger up the arse as they are alighting from the carriage onto the platform.

The survey was conducted among 20,000 travellers on the District Line from Victoria to Whitechapel and included all ages, genders and ethnicities, although the findings indicated that white women aged between 23 and 50 were the demographic who harboured the desire the most.

One woman we spoke to, Tracy Dell, 30, a pharmacist from Shoreditch told us: “Whenever the train stops at a station and I see people getting off I start to fantasise about how brilliant it would be to boot one or two up the arse just before the door closes.

“I think it would be the startled look on their faces that would please me the most. That and the way they’d clutch at their arses seconds after I’ve given them the shoeing”.

In 2003, a similar survey by Southern Rail revealed that 90 percent of passengers would like to knee the company’s CEO in the groin as retribution for constant delays at London Bridge and Paddington.

The remaining 10 percent said they would gladly fork out a healthy subscription to watch his public hanging and subsequent disembowelment on pay-per-view television.

I Pushed Beach Bat Up Northerner’s Bottom on Holiday Isle, Whitechapel Man Tells Court

 

beach-bat
Exhibit A in the so-called Beach Bum Incident.

 

A middle-aged man from Whitechapel in East London, yesterday told a court that he forced the handle of a plastic, table tennis-style bat into the back passage of a 45-year-old man from Leeds in Yorkshire, following a dispute on a Gran Canarian beach last week.

The accused man, Danny Soz, a floor moulder at Whitechapel Bell Foundry, told a court in Las Palmas, the island’s capital: “I was lying on the beach with my missus, trying to sleep off a hangover. I was just dozing off when I heard this northern bloke shouting the odds and acting the giddy arseole. He then started playing beach tennis with his old woman, and at one point, their ball landed right next to my towel.

“I admit I had a few choice words with the bloke and may have been a bit sweary, but I don’t like northerners at the best of times, particularly ones that disturb my kip.

“I wouldn’t have minded if the bloke had apologised and cleared off, but he decided to give me some backchat instead. It was then that I knocked him out and shoved the bat up his Khyber. I tried to get the round flat bit in at first, but it wouldn’t fit, so I had to use the handle.

“I suppose I might have been a bit hasty, but you can’t have people taking liberties like that can you? Especially when you’ve got the old woman with you”

Mr Soz has already served a prison sentence abroad after being given 7 years in a Portuguese prison for biting the ear off a man from Sheffield following a pedalo-related bust up on the beach at Vale De Lobos in 1997.

Whitechapel Funerals Present: The Undignitarse, Buttock Display Coffin of Hope

Australian Cedar coffin design, by LifeArt, is an environmentall

We at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour are delighted to give you this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your arse on display to all and sundry after your death.

The Undignitarse Peek-A-Boo Buttock Display Coffin of Hope is a lovingly crafted and absolutely uniquely designed coffin that will ensure that grieving friends and relatives will be afforded a first-class view of your arse before you are taken to your final resting place.

Each coffin is fitted with a viewing aperture, which can be pre-ordered by you, or requested by your family, so that even the biggest arse can be fully displayed. We even offer a full complimentary arse-shaving and tag nut removal service to ensure that your arse looks absolutely pristine and is free of unsightly ‘cling-ons’ when it is put on public display.

Retailing at just £3567.89, The Undignitarse is unbeatable value for the terminally ill and suicidal alike; or even for the forward-thinking individual who just want to make sure their loved ones and acquaintances can have a really good look at their arse before they are either laid to rest or put into an incinerator.

Here’s a testimonial from just one of our satisfied mourners:

‘My wife had an absolutely massive arse, so I wasn’t sure that The Undignitarse was for me. But, thanks to the skilled craftsmen at The Whitechapel Funeral Parlour who put a 3-foot square window in her coffin, the entire family was able to have a really good look at both of her gigantic cheeks before she was buried. Thanks, Whitechapel Funeral Parlour!’ – Toby Dell, Cripplegate, East London.

Order your Undignitarse today and get a free brochure detailing our wide range of revealing caskets; including the iconic “Cock Flasher” and the ever-popular “Minge Mate”

Arse Bandits Raid Whitechapel Museum

arse with handles
A holdall left behind by the raiders pictured last night. Notice how it’s cunningly fashioned to hold arses.

A gang of audacious thieves last night broke into the London Buttocks Museum in Whitechapel and escaped with a number of arses, some of which were valued at over £10,000. It is believed that the gang gained entry through the back door before smashing cases containing the arses and escaping with their valuable booty.

Amongst the priceless arses taken were those of Archbishop Makarios of Cyprus, President John F Kennedy, Whitney Huston and Sir Stanley Matthews, the legendary Blackpool and England soccer star.

The museum’s curator, Mr Toby Jade, 74, told reporters: “This is a terrible shock to all of us at the museum and I hope the police will catch whoever’s responsible for this and return the arses to us as soon as possible”

Fortunately for the museum, the priceless “Fragment Of The True Arse” – which is believed to be a slither of buttock taken from the slain body of Christ by Mary Magdalene in The Garden Of Gethsemane, is currently out of the country and on display in The Imperial Bottom Gallery in Beijing.

This latest raid comes just 2 weeks after the Sheffield Cock And Balls Museum in Yorkshire, was hit by raiders who escaped with genitalia worth more than two million pounds, including the fabled Holy Nob Of St Bartholomew and the priceless Byzantine Bollocks, which were believed to have been removed from the body of Saladin during The Crusades.

The Whitechapel Mint Proudly Present: The Gropematic Buttock-Fondling Device For The 21st Century

 

gropematic
A Gropematic pictured fondling some bloke’s arse last night

 

 

Do you sometimes feel that you’re missing out on the clandestine, furtive sexual abuse that takes place on public transport?  Has your bottom become a fondle-free zone, leaving you feeling unwanted and unattractive, even to the most unpleasant sexual pervert?

Then we at The Whitechapel Mint have just the thing to put an end to your woes. The Gropematic is an ingenious little device that clamps almost invisibly to your arse and will give your buttocks that surreptitious pawing that you crave so much. Whether on the bus, the tube, or the train, you can simulate the unwanted attentions of a drooling, middle-aged sex offender at the push of a button.

Each Gropematic is lovingly bolted together by Romanian orphans and is fashioned from the very finest bits of plastic and pig iron. Every device comes with our unbeatable guarantee that if you complain just once about the build quality, or the fact that it hasn’t arrived after 6 months, one of our highly-trained East London enforcers will come direct to your home to ensure that you will no longer be in any fit state to continue with your whining.

TESTIMONIALS: 

“I used to dread going on public transport because of the complete lack of unwanted attention by perverts. Now, thanks to my Gropematic, my arse is very nearly red raw by the time I get to the office. Thanks Gropematic!” – MrFelix Todd, Plaistow.

“Due to the fact that I used to remain largely unmolested on my journey to work, I almost took my own life. The Gropematic has changed all that, and now, thanks to the constant pawing I give my arse while standing up on the bus, I have begun to feel good about myself again. I even use mine when I’m doing the ironing or washing the pots so that I can pretend to have an amorous partner. I’ve ordered another one to go on my tits” – Madge Lewd, Shoreditch.

To get your Gropematic in time for Xmas, send a banker’s draft or hard cash to the tune of £34,457.89. to:

The Whitechapel Mint

The Marquis of Granby

Wapping Docks

Disclaimer: I’m as thick as shit and don’t realise that my Gropematic will never arrive, either by return of post, nor indeed, at any time in the future. I’m unfamiliar with the Consumer Rights Act and I’m not a professional boxer or shotgun licence holder.

Signed...

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