The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Pilchard Spittlejohn: The Extreme Right-Wing Journo They Can’t Gag

Pilchard Spittlejohn1

Have you heard the latest? Apparently, this country’s population will have grown by over 100 million by Christmas Eve and that’s no exaggeration. 

The latest figures – and I’ve just this minute written them down and have them right here in front of me – indicate, that by the time you’re unwrapping the socks and jumper from Auntie Maude, there will be an extremely good chance that the people next door will be ignoring Christmas completely due to the fact that they’re black Muslims from Romania or somewhere similar. 

No wonder this great country’s going to hell in a handcart. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make it up could you?

I’ll tell you something else you couldn’t make up and that’s the Scottish. Did you know that 99.9% of Scots want to kill and eat an Englishman, and that’s despite the fact that we allow them to live on the same piece of rock as us. 

If I had my way, I’d get a giant buzz saw and make a bloody great cut just this side of Hadrian’s Wall and watch the buggers float off towards Iceland. Scots eh? You couldn’t make them up if you tried could you? They can all go to hell in a handcart as far as I’m concerned.

I was talking to my old friends, Nigel Farage and Marie Le Pen down the pub the other day, and they’re firmly of the opinion that all the illegals, the non-whites, and people who live in council accommodation, should be rounded up and sent off to Syria to fight against Islamic State. 

They believe – as do I for that matter – that it will be character building for them and will free up space in the country for the decent, law-abiding, white people who made this country great – before it went to hell in a handcart.

As for our television programmes. I turned on the BBC the other day only to be confronted by a programme about a lost tribe in the Amazon jungle. Full of blacks it was. The only white face was the presenter’s, and even he looked as if he had a touch of the old tar brush about him. 

No wonder the BBC’s going to hell in a handcart. British Broadcasting Corporation? It’s more like the Black Bastards Club if you ask me. You couldn’t make it up half the time could you?

DISCLAIMER: Pilchard Spittlejohn is an entirely fictitious creation, and bears absolutely no resemblance to any extreme right-wing Fleet Steet hack either living or preferably dead, especially, Richard Littlejohn of The Express. No, that’s right out that is.

Pop-based radio station news bulletin leads with Brit Awards despite Corbyn/Rees-Mogg knife fight

See the source image

A London pop music station came under fire yesterday after their 6.00 am news update led with a report on last night’s Brit Awards at the O2 Arena despite the fact that hours earlier, Labour Party Leader, Jeremy Corbyn, and pro-Brexit poster boy, Jacob Rees-Mogg, had been involved in a scuffle outside The Houses of Parliament during which, both men pulled knives after first exchanging punches.

A spokesman for Heart FM told newsmen: “Our listeners are mostly young and pretty thick.

“They’re not interested in politics, even if there is a good tear-up involved.

“In any case, we did mention it right at the end just after an interview with the fat one out of Little Mix”

The brawl, after which both men were treated for superficial knife wounds, is believed to have started when Rees-Mogg made a derogatory remark to Shadow Home Secretary, Diane Abbott, who was with Corbyn at the time.

BBC Radio 4’s Today programme did lead with the incident, however.

Veteran presenter, John Humphries, told listeners: “Corbyn definitely started it.

“He was tooled up and looking for trouble

“In my opinion, he was just trying to look hard in front of his bird”

This is not the first incident of this kind in recent months.

In December of last year, Father of The House and veteran Tory grandee, Ken Clark, was treated for stab wounds to the abdomen after being attacked in the Strangers Bar by former Environment Secretary, Andrea Leadsom, following a disagreement about Tottenham Hotspur’s chances of winning The FA Cup.

BBC agrees to allow partially penetrative sex on Strictly Come Dancing


Strictly no-cum dancing. A male contestant pictured getting a bit of leg before the off on last night’s show


BBC bosses announced last night that recent calls for partially penetrative sex to be permitted on Strictly Come Dancing will be given the green light in the run-up to the final in December

In a brief statement issued last night, the Beeb said: “Male contestants will be allowed to have sex with their female partners during performances as long as they don’t push their cocks right in.

“Any couples who flout this directive and start going at it full pelt will be deducted points and will be automatically consigned to the dance-off”

The controversial decision comes just 2 weeks after BBC bosses agreed to allow female newsreaders to be back- scuttled over the desk by weathermen during the 6 o’clock bulletins on weeknights.

Storm as BBC insider reveals that The Blue Planet was filmed down Fergie’s massive toilet


Picture stolen from a magazine that ran this story for us yesterday and whose editor-in-chief will be too busy/drunk to care.


The BBC came under fire last night as a production assistant on the highly-acclaimed series, The Blue Planet, presented by Sir David Attenborough, revealed that a number of scenes were filmed under the water in the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson’s giant toilet.

The huge WC, believed to be the largest in the world, was specially constructed to accommodate her massive arse when she lived in Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 1990s.

The insider told newsmen: “We started running out of money halfway through the series and decided to save a few quid by filming some of the deep water scenes down Fergie’s gigantic toilet.

“We dropped a few tropical fish into the bowl and then went down ourselves in a 3-man sub to do the filming.

“Things were fine until Fergie came in for a morning shit one day and we had to manoeuvre the sub to dodge a few of her big logs after splashdown.

“At one point she let fly with a massive fart that made the water pretty turbulent, and things were touch and go as she followed up with a few minor squeakers, but we managed to escape safe and sound.

“I told Sir David what we’d done but he just said “Fuck it lads, nobody will know any different and we can use Fergie’s submerged chods as examples of weird and wonderful, marine rock formations”

Sir David was unavailable for comment last night but his housekeeper told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’ll be giving a statement when he comes back from filming a jungle documentary inside roly-poly BBC London broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz’s giant pants.

Whelk Exclusive: BBC secure rights to screen inter-pub shove ha’penny match


Was it over the line?: Iconic shot of the classic 1966 encounter between The Star in West Croydon and The Lord Rodney’s Head in Whitechapel


BBC execs were said to be cock-a-hoop last night after securing the broadcasting rights to screen a shove ha’penny match between two rival pubs in the East End of London.

A spokesman for The Beeb told The Whelk last night, “We are delighted to announce that we will be screening full recorded highlights of the shove ha’penny match between The Blind Beggar in Whitechapel and The Boleyn Arms in West Ham. We hope this will make up for the disappointment felt by many of our viewers when we lost the rights to international test cricket and The Ryder Cup”

It is understood that the BBC paid an eye-popping £12.50 for the rights to screen the long-awaited duel and are rumoured to be in talks with both pubs over screening the recorded highlights of their traditional Christmas punch-up in the new year.

The Whelk’s TV Choice



BBC1. 10.00: Wanted Down Under – Simon Cowell tells Lorraine Kelly of his shortcomings down below and his lifelong battle with chronic penis envy

BBC1. 20.30: Eat Well For Less – An East London man orders a slap-up breakfast in a local cafe and then escapes through a toilet window after clearing his plate.

BBC2. 14.00: Three Up, Two Down – Former glamour model, Katie Price, tells presenter Eamonn Holmes about the night she spent with a London 5-a-side football team

Sky1. 21.00: Snakes On A Plane – Documentary following a trip to Marbella by members of The Shoreditch Young Conservatives Association. WARNING.Contains big tits.

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