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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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WEATHER UPDATE: Whitechapel battered by Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair

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Whitechapel in all its splendour before the furious onslaught of the Thunder Bastard

It is being reported that the London district of Whitechapel has been battered by the storm dubbed the Thunder Bastard, Baby Crusher, Hurricane of Death & Despair and that significant damage to property has been suffered.

Bill Giles at the Met Office told BBC viewers this morning: “Sadly, Whitechapel has borne the brunt of the Thunder Bastard and a number of homes have been blown down during the night.

“It’s too early to say if there’s been any loss of life as it’s still a bit dark outside but we’ll have a look on the CCTV for any bodies lying in the street when it’s a bit lighter”

In related news, Bermondsey in South London also bore the full fury of the Thunder Bastard with residents reporting that thousands of pounds worth of improvements have been made.

Local man seated near pub dartboard felt blood run cold as woman stepped up to the oche

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Avoiding the point. A man pictured watching a ladies darts match last night

A 54-year-old man who was seated close to a pub dartboard last week has told The Whelk that he felt a frisson of terror that chilled his very blood when a woman approached the oche and began removing a set of darts from a leather holder.

Toby Dell, a foundry worker from Vallance Road, told us: “I was enjoying a quiet pint after work when this woman came out of nowhere and began getting her darts out.

“I immediately realised that I was in danger of losing an eye or worse.

“As she prepared to launch the first dart, I considered getting under the table until she’d thrown all three but I didn’t want to appear scared so I pretended to go to the toilet and sneaked out of the door and went home instead.

“I’ve never felt fear like it, to be honest. When I got home, I was so shaken my wife thought I’d been mugged again”

Last year alone, 257 men were badly injured by women playing pub games. Darts accounted for the large majority. However, in March, a Bermondsey man was blinded by a woman playing shove halfpenny, and in July, three men needed hospital treatment for head injuries at The Royal London Hospital after being repeatedly struck by a group of middle-aged women playing skittles in The Admiral Nelson in Cripplegate.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Sorry about this one ladies. Our feature’s editor’s wife has divorced him and gained custody of the dog so he wanted an article that lashes out unfairly at females everywhere.

CRIME UPDATE: ENTIRE POPULATION OF WHITECHAPEL FOUND STABBED TO DEATH IN OVERNIGHT BLOODBATH

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Whitechapel pictured during happier times

In one of the bloodiest episodes East London has ever witnessed, the entire population of Whitechapel were found stabbed to death earlier this morning.

The bodies of 14,876 people were found by Tower Hamlets council dustmen when they arrived at 5.00 am to empty the bins.

One of the workers, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen: “It was pretty grim, to be honest.

“There were bodies strewn all over the place. It was like a scene from one of those war films.

“It was obvious that they had all been stabbed as they had knives sticking out of them.

“I know that knife crime has been on the rise recently but you don’t expect this sort of thing do you?”

A Metropolitan police spokesman told reporters: “We haven’t made any arrests as yet but we are currently questioning 13,780 people from Bermondsey in South London and have released 12,453 on police bail”

There has been bad feeling between the two districts since Whitechapel narrowly pipped their South London rivals in the annual, London’s Most Well-Kept Front Garden contest in June of last year.

Bermondsey Burned Down to Commemorate Great Fire of London

 

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Residents of exclusive Lockyer Street pictured waiting patiently for their homes to be razed to the ground yesterday

 

Thousands of Londoners gathered to watch last night as Bermondsey, in South East London, was set ablaze in a spectacular display to commemorate the Great Fire of London, which reduced the capital to smouldering ruins 350 years ago last Tuesday.

Incendiaries were placed at strategic points around the run-down docklands district before being triggered at 9.00pm last night. Crowds cheered wildly as they watched the spectacle from across the river at Millwall Dock.

One man from Whitechapel in East London, who had bought his wife and five children along to enjoy the event told us: “This is probably the best day of my life. Of course, we wouldn’t have had to bother with all this if the Germans had made a better job of it during the war. I just hope they didn’t forget to burn down Millwall football ground”

A spokesman for the London Borough of Southwark said last night: “It was a highly successful and fruitful evening for all concerned”

When asked about casualties, he said: “Nobody was injured but millions of pounds worth of improvements were made”

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