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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Bill Gates

Local man expresses concern at Bill Gates’ continued failure to switch off vaccinated ma-in-law

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk of his disquiet over the hitherto failure of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, to kill his mother-in-law after the 79-year-old received her first covid-19 jab last Thursday

Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Dorset Street, told us: “I’d read on the internet that Bill Gates has put a microchip in these vaccines so that he can switch people off if they refuse to do his will.

“Well, the wife’s mother had her jab last week and hasn’t even received her instructions yet, much less been killed for refusing to obey them.

“Once again it’s another example of rich people promising us the moon and failing to deliver.”

Mr Gates was unavailable for comment last night but a website dedicated to his role in vaccine development informed us that he’s only been switching off the over-90s and vegetarians so far but has now deployed his faithful lackeys, Tom Hanks and Nancy Pelosi to deal with the backlog.

If you felt your hackles rising at the mention of Ms Pelosi you’re definitely a Republican arseole and should go boil your fucking head in a bucket – Ed

Bill Gates will force vaccinated Queen to fellate Tom Hanks on live TV, says local anti-vaxxer

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A right royal blow? Her Majesty pictured at home last night.

A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman and prominent anti-vaccine advocate has told The Whelk that Microsoft billionaire, Bill Gates, will use a microchip contained in the vaccine that was administered to Her Majesty The Queen yesterday to compel her to give oral relief to movie icon, Tom Hanks, live on the BBC.

Karen Thrawl, an Uber driver from Vallance Road, told our reporter: “Now that the Queen’s had the vaccine she will be under the total control of Bill Gates due to the chip and the first thing he’ll do is make her give Tom Hanks a noshing on TV to discredit her before taking over the monarchy himself.

“He will then make Tom Hanks, The Duke of Edinburgh, and George Clooney will be crowned Prince of Wales.

“They will then all live together in Buckingham Palace, drinking orphan’s blood to keep them young-looking while the Queen and Prince Philip will be put into the lizard enclosure at London Zoo.”

A spokesman for the royal family discredited Mrs Thrawl’s assertions last night: “Her Majesty has not expressed any desire to give Mr Hanks a gamming on the BBC, nor any other television channel, at this time, although, this could be because the chip hasn’t been activated yet” he told us.

Mrs Thrawl’s prediction comes just two weeks after a 35-year-old anti-lockdown activist told The Sunday Times that covid-19 is a myth and that all the dead people are just actors who will eventually jump out of their graves and take over the world led by George Soros and 1960s pop princess, Lulu.

Bill Gates now has full control of vax woman, says Amanda Holden

cheerful senior mother and adult daughter using smartphone together
Holden (right) explains to a Sunday Times journalist how Bill Gates’ latest software update has rendered her sexually insane

Britain’s Got Talent judge and confirmed covid conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, last night told newsmen that Britain’s first recipient of the Phizer covid-19 vaccine, 92-year-old, Margaret Keenan, is now completely under the control of Microsoft mogul, Bill Gates, due to a genetic chip implanted in the vaccine

Holden, 75, explained: “Gates now has full control of Mrs Keenan just as he will have control over anyone who takes this vaccine.

“I saw that poor lady’s eyes glaze over as soon as the nurse gave her the shot. She then attempted to pull her sleeve down, probably to conceal the fact that the skin close to the site was bubbling a bit as the genes started to take effect, proof positive that mind control had begun.

“I also noticed she had trouble getting out of her chair and had to be helped to walk out of the room by a nurse, a clear indication that Gates was controlling her leg moments.

“I expect he uses a remote control with a joystick from his front room or something like that.

“He’ll be offering her kidnapped baby blood to drink soon, probably by the weekend, to keep her in good shape and young-looking.

“He already does if for Tom Hanks and George Clooney.

“I’m almost tempted myself in actual fact but I think I’ll stick to the Botox shots. I mean you know where you are with those don’t you?”

Mrs Keenan responded last night in a brief statement to Reuters news agency. She denied being under Gates’ control and referred to Holden as ‘a fucking idiot’

Now Trump’s gone, Bill Gates and I can drink children’s blood with no more fear, says Tom Hanks

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Hollywood superstar, Tom Hanks has expressed relief that Donald Trump has lost the race for the presidency, claiming that Trump’s tireless crusade to stop him drinking kidnapped children’s blood supplied by billionaire Microsoft magnate, Bill Gates, has caused him many sleepless nights throughout the last four years.

“President Trump has been a massive problem for both myself and Bill”, he told The Washington Post.

“Bill sends me regular consignments of blood which he personally syphons from kidnapped orphans that he keeps in tunnels beneath the streets of London.

“Thanks to him I manage to remain youthful-looking, which not only helps me to get roles that call for a man half my age but it also comes in mighty handy for getting next to the young pussy.

“The QAnon movement, led by Trump has really cramped our style with their tireless crusade to free orphan ass, but now that Joe is taking over we’ll be able to drink our fill and maybe even chow down on some tender, underage flesh too”

A spokesman for the Trump organisation said last night: “The President can’t comment right now. In fact, nobody even knows where’s he’s at.

“He was supposed to be at a Veteran’s With Bonespurs rally yesterday but both he and Airforce One are missing.

“Maybe he took off for a weekend of golf to remind himself of how things used to be when he was in office”

More as we get it.

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