The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Biff, Sock, Pow praised my blog then ate my gnocchi says local man


A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The East London Gazette that popular WordPress blogger, Biff Sock Pow, stole a number of pieces of gnocchi from his plate while he was reading a favourable review of his Whitechapel-based blog on Pow’s homepage.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer, told the Gazette: “I had just sat down to eat my gnocchi and was browsing through my phone, looking for responses to my latest blog post.

“I spotted Pow’s piece, praising my stuff and including me in his top 5 favourite blogs

“Naturally, I was both intrigued and excited in equal measure and put down my fork as I scrolled through his piece.

“However, when I’d finished reading and readdressed myself to my meal, I noticed that 3 pieces of gnocchi were missing

“I told my wife who explained that I must have eaten them while I was reading, but I’m convinced Pow took them, probably using a fork on a spring that he was manoeuvring from the kitchen.

“It’s my view that he either ate them on the spot or took them back to the United States where he warmed them up in his microwave and had them for his supper, washed down with a shot of redeye”

Pow was approached for a comment but became evasive and told a Gazette reporter, “Blow it out ya goddamn ass”.

For more on Biff Sock Pow, why not give his latest book a try?
My Life Stealing Italian Food is available on Amazon for the price of a plate of tagliatelle in a garlic and basil sauce

One day I’ll be Queen of England vows Boris Johnson

See the source image

In a surprise announcement, former Foreign Secretary and staunch Brexiteer, Boris Johnson has announced plans to accede to the throne after The Queen has died.

Writing in his Daily Telegraph column, the famously ambitious Johnson, said: “I can conceive of no earthly reason why I should not be made Queen after the death of Her Majesty.

“I went to a good school, my Latin is at least on a par with Rees-Mogg’s, and even if I do say it myself, I have a certain regal bearing.

“I can’t see there being any objections from the royal family, to be honest. In fact, they’ll probably welcome my ascension to the throne

“It will give William the chance to go back to flying helicopters and Harry will be able to concentrate on getting rat-arsed and shagging that fine-looking colonial filly he’s shacked up with.

“At the end of the day, post-Brexit, this country will need a strong and dependable figurehead with a firm and steady hand on the royal tiller.

“Somebody with an unimpeachable set of values and a strong moral compass.

“I see myself as that man, even if no bugger else does”

BoJo’s shock revelation comes just 2 days after Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told friends that he harbours a long-standing ambition to one day stop being an utter twat that nobody takes seriously and become an effective Leader of The Opposition.

Self-published author forced to admit whole deal a complete shitshow

A self-publishing bod pictured churning out a load of old ill-conceived toot in the olden days

A 40-year-old Whitechapel man has finally conceded that his attempt at becoming an independent, self-published author has been a complete shitshow from start to finish.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck driver who writes under the pen name of, T S Steinbeck-Hemingway, launched his first novel, ‘I Was A Teenage Werewolf In A Dystopian Hinterland With People Chasing After Me’, last Tuesday with disappointing results.

“Of course I realised that being an indie author with delusions of grandeur and very little else wasn’t going to be easy.”, he told us.

“However, I wasn’t prepared for a zero sales return and an Amazon review catalogue full of insults and savage piss-taking.

“It started so promisingly with many of the people I follow on WordPress giving me glowing feedback and firm encouragement to take the next step.

“It’s almost as if they were just saying these things in return for reciprocal likes and comments”

A recent study conducted by Balliol College, Oxford, found that over 5 billion people worldwide are now self-published authors with average book sales of 1 and a half books per person producing an income of 0.003p per annum, and that’s in a good year.

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

BREAKING: Queen Mother’s mummified stool sold for $9 million

queen mum
Bowel Bonanza: The Queen Mother pictured in the olden days


A perfectly preserved stool believed to have been evacuated by Queen Elizabeth, The Queen Mother, during the war, has been sold at Sotheby’s auction house in London to a private American buyer for a cool 7 million dollars.

The 7-inch, 14-ounce rocket was retrieved from The Queen Mother’s toilet at Sandringham House by a royal flunkey who found it nestling on top of the paper in 1941 after she had forgotten to pull the chain.

The servant had the royal turd injected with embalming fluid and had kept it in a display case in his front room until his death last year when it was discovered by council workmen who handed it in to the police.

A spokesperson for the royal household told newsmen: “The Queen would have prefered to have kept her mum’s roscoe in Buckingham Palace, but the money will definitely come in handy to put towards the new central heating”

This is not the first time bodily waste from one of the royals has been auctioned off. In 1994, a phial containing 40 millilitres of Prince Philip’s piss fetched £9.50 at Cable Street Car Auction in Shadwell, East London, as part of a part-exchange deal for a Honda Civic.

LIFESTYLE: Fitness For The Under-Fives

tots health

Tot’s Health is part of The Infant Liver Damage and Torn Tendons Publishing Group ©

Dogwalker held after finding 12th body in a week

Mr Dell’s dog pictured putting a brave face on it last night


An East London man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after he reported finding a twelfth dead body in a week while out walking his dog

Toby Dell, 35, an unmarried forklift truck driver from Whitechapel was yesterday remanded in custody at Horseferry Road magistrates court and will appear at The Old Bailey in December.

Dell, described by neighbours as a bit of a loner, reported finding found his 12th mutilated corpse in a week while walking his dog in Victoria Park in Bow at 3.00 am on Monday.

Police became suspicious when they noticed that his clothes and hands were bloodstained and that he had a meat cleaver stuffed into his waistband.

A police spokesman told a press conference: “We began to harbour suspicions after he reported finding 3 bodies in 24 hours while walking his dog on Hackney Marshes on July 20th, and, to be fair, we did take him in for questioning after he found his 10th body a few days later, but we released him without charge when he told us he was a Jehovah’s Witness and a Freemason.

“It was the bloodstained clothing, the concealed weapon, and the fact that he kept laughing maniacally when the duty sergeant was taking a statement that led to his subsequent arrest and charge.”

Specially trained officers and a forensic team are now searching Dell’s home in Vallance Road where they are also digging up his back garden assisted by his dog.

SURVEY: Everybody in Whitechapel can expect to be stabbed within the next 10 years

20150209_205934510_iOS 1
Knife crime in Whitechapel in the olden days (staged by actors)

A recent study by Oxford University has revealed, that by 2028, the entire population of Whitechapel will have been stabbed at least once.

The findings are a worrying reflection of the recent spate of knife crimes throughout the capital during the last year, with a number of fatalities and serious woundings being recorded, particularly in the East London boroughs.

Many locals were dismayed by the findings last night, but there were a few that adopted a more optimistic stance.

Toby Dell, a 53-year-old forklift truck inspector from Leman Street told us: “I suppose it’s a bit of a concern for people who live here but you have to look on the bright side. For example, imagine if Piers Morgan or Donald Trump came on a visit. It would be brilliant to see those two getting the bloody good shanking they deserve”

This latest survey comes just a week after a study conducted by The University of London found that 1 in 10,000 residents living in the affluent area of Mayfair stood a 3 to 1 chance of choking to death on their quinoa porridge.

Bloggers Stage Rally to Reintroduce Square Reader Boxes

crop crap

Thousands of angry subscribers to the popular blogging site, WordPress, held a rally outside the company’s headquarters yesterday afternoon, demanding a return to the big square pictures that used to accompany published material.

We spoke to one protestor, Toby Dell, 37, who told us: “We’re all sick to the back teeth of losing the best part of our pictures by having them squashed up into a bloody oblong.

“I run a crochet and sewing blog, and by the time they’ve finished cropping the pictures of my embroidered cardigans you can usually only see a bit of a sleeve, and even that looks all stretched and distorted.”

His wife, Tracy, 30, was equally scathing: “I run a travel blog and frequently post pictures of places I’ve visited.

“Last week I ran a piece about Bermondsey in South London and they cropped my picture of the high street so severely you couldn’t see any of the drunks collapsed in doorways, and the pregnant unmarried mothers with cigarettes hanging out of their mouths had been cut out altogether”

WordPress issued a statement last night: “We’re sorry that people are dissatisfied with the oblong boxes, but we did it to fit more in.

“If people don’t like it they can always leave and go to Blogger or Google +. That’ll give the ungrateful sods something to really complain about.”

If you’ve had one of your pics stretched and distorted by having it crammed into an oblong box, only use pictures of oblong boxes for that fully-inclusive and clearly visible photo experience- Ed

Create a free website or blog at

Up ↑