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Corbyn beat me up in the toilets: Boris Johnson’s shock claim

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Opposition bleeder: Corbyn pictured shortly before battering Johnson

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told newsmen last night that defeated opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, attacked him in a House of Commons lavatory last week leaving him bruised and bleeding from a gaping head wound.

Johnson, who had just delivered his opening address to The Commons following his thumping election win last Thursday, told reporters: “After my speech, I needed to visit the toilet and excused myself from the chamber.

“I was standing at the urinal when Corbyn flew in, cursing and calling me all the names under the sun.

“He slammed my head against the tiles and then started raining punches on me as I collapsed to the ground.

“He then went in with the boot, delivering a number of kicks to my head and lower back.

“I was in awful pain and begged him to stop, but he just shouted that I was a flash, Tory monkey and carried on with the attack.

“Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam. He gave me a final boot in the ribs, called me a few more names and left.

“So much for the so-called, kinder, gentler politics, he had promised when he became leader”

Corbyn’s attack comes almost exactly a year after Labour MP, Yvette Cooper, was admonished by The Speaker, John Bercow, after she head-butted the then Prime Minister, Theresa May, as the members filed out of the chamber to deliver a vote on Mrs May’s 3rd EU Withdrawl Agreement.

Free whippet for every northerner as Boris repays election favour

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A government source revealed last night that every man, woman, and child over the age of 5 living in the north of England will be gifted a whippet dog as a token of gratitude for helping Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, win last week’s election with a huge majority.

Whippets are extremely popular with people in the north, with many families owning up to 5 or 6, depending on the size of their dwelling

Unlike ferrets – the other favoured house pet of the northerner – whippets are used primarily for racing and are not put down the trousers like their smaller counterparts.

By way of contrast, people in London, where the Tory Party were heavily defeated, are to have a tax of 79% imposed on jellied eels – a popular staple among the Cockney community.

Doing the Lambeth Walk dance will be made illegal under new legislation as will running illicit gambling dens in the West End and nailing people to billiard tables.

POLITICS IN BRIEF: Prime Minister Johnson leaves 3 notes out for the milkman

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Following his controversial actions yesterday, when Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent two contradictory letters to the European Union and a further letter confirming the contradictory nature of the second, he has now muddied the waters on the domestic front by leaving out three notes for the milkman outside 10 Downing Street.

United Dairies milkman of 32-years, Toby Dell, told newsmen: “I was shocked when I saw what the PM had done.

“Instead of his usual request for one of those little bottles of orange juice on a Sunday, there were three notes.

“One asking for an extra bottle of gold top, one cancelling it, and a third from the Attorney General, stipulating that the first note was a pack of lies.

“I didn’t know where to turn, so I left a bottle of sterilised and a strawberry yoghurt before driving round to deliver at the Treasury”

A Downing Street spokesman said last night: “The Prime Minister doesn’t drink milk. He’s been having vintage Krug on his Rice Krispies since he was sent down from Eton in ’62”

There were no whores or drugs at opium den/brothel I frequented says Boris Johnson

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Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night strongly denied that there were any prostitutes or illicit drugs at a notorious Chinese brothel and opium den in Gerrard Street in London’s Soho district that he frequently visited during the 1970s

Speaking to newsmen while on a visit to a hospital yesterday, where he had earlier been accused of playing to the press by the father of a seriously ill child, to which Johnson responded by denying there being any newsmen present, he insisted: “All this nonsense about there being ladies of the night or illegal drugs at the establishment are utter poppycock.

“I freely admit attending the place from time to time, purely to unwind with a glass or two of iced tea and to chat to the young people, some of whom may or may not have been women, about politics, and on occasion, the world of sport.

“I understand there may be photographs of myself lying on a dirty bunk, inhaling from a clay pipe being held by a young lady with no clothes on, but I can categorically state that I was merely smoking a relaxing pipe of St Bruno Ready Rubbed and that the girl was naked because she didn’t want to taint her clothing with the smell of tobacco smoke.

“In fact, I doubt it was me at all, and if it was, the girl and the pipe must have been drawn on the photograph later with a pen similar to the one President Trump uses on weather maps”

Johnson’s statement comes just a week after he denied the existence of Parliament and that he had heard of anybody called, The Queen.

Boris butchered and ate Number 10 cat says Downing Street insider

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Minced Moggie? Larry pictured during happier times before he was killed and eaten by the PM

A senior civil servant and government advisor at the Cabinet Office last night told The Whelk that he believes that Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, killed the popular Downing Street cat, Larry, and later ate the creature in his bedroom during a ‘midnight feast’

Sir Tobias Dell CBE, told us: “The PM has never been a cat lover apparently, and I often used to catch him giving Larry the odd kick in the hallway whenever it came up to greet him after he’d arrived home.

“A few nights back, I heard a loud commotion coming from the kitchen area and upon entering, saw the PM holding a butcher’s cleaver.

“He was sweating profusely and had blood spatter on his shirt and tie.

“He looked pretty sheepish and muttered something about making himself a steak tartar sandwich before hurrying off up to his room.

“After he’d gone, I examined the chopping board and found tufts of what appeared to be cat fur and a number of whiskers.

“Since that evening, I have seen no sign of Larry, and I’m fairly certain that the Prime Minister ate the creature’s remains raw in his bedroom around midnight that night.”

This latest revelation evokes grim memories of the dietary antics of the late 18th century Prime Minister, William Pitt The Younger, who would often stalk squirrels in the garden at the rear of Downing Street where he would tear the hapless creatures apart with his bare hands and wolf them down behind the gardener’s tool shed, often washing them down with 5 or 6 quart bottles of Ind Coope Best Bitter.

Jacob Rees-Mogg to be appointed Minister of Deceit

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It was rumoured last night, that staunch Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, will be appointed, Secretary of State For Deceit in new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s first Cabinet reshuffle later on today.

This will make the Old Etonian backbencher responsible for issuing ludicrously optimistic statements about the United Kingdom’s fiscal outlook post-Brexit, as well as brazenly denying any semblance of government responsibility for the dire economic consequences as a result of a disorderly Brexit, should one take place.

Speaking from outside his Surrey home last night, Rees-Mogg told newsmen: “All of this is purely conjecture and media chatter, but if I were offered the position, I would welcome the opportunity of hoodwinking the electorate by issuing a constant torrent of misinformation and downright falsehoods whenever the situation called for it.”

When questioned about whether he would also be prepared to gloss over the new PM’s alleged domestic violence issues as well as his constant lying and overt racism he jotted down the name of the journalist concerned in a small pocketbook before declining to issue any comment

Boris Calls For Return of Public Hanging

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“Hang some sense into ’em!” Boris pictured campaigning in Surrey last night

In what is being seen as a bid to upstage his fellow prime ministerial hopeful, Jeremy Hunt, Boris Johnson yesterday told a local Conservative Party association that one of the first things he would do as PM would be to reintroduce public hanging.

Speaking in Dorking in Surrey, Johnson told members: “Public hanging is part of our urban culture and heritage and the sooner it’s back on the statute books the better.

“I would move to have the initial hangings carried out outside The Old Bailey, like they used to be in the good old days, with a view to building a public gallows in every major city in the land.

“Revenue would be raised by selling tickets to these events with special discounts for those in the upper tax brackets”

Hunt, who yesterday said he would move to bring back foxhunting, responded by vowing to implement a return to sending little boys up chimneys and to reintroduce keelhauling and the lash as punishments for sodomy in The Royal Navy

Boris Johnson was perfect gentleman during our night of bare-faced lying and hard-right ideology says, Sarah Sanders

Sarah Sanders
Sanders strongly denies any contact with Johnson’s Johnson

Ex-Whitehouse press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, last night appeared to fly to the defence of beleaguered British prime ministerial hopeful, Boris Johnson, when she told newsmen, that during a late night discussion on far-right politics last year, Johnson’s behaviour towards her was impeccable

Sanders, 36, told assembled reporters, “Boris and I met at my New York apartment at around 11.00 pm in June of last year, where we spent the evening churning out unsubstantiated lies and rumours about a number of left-leaning politicians, both here in the US and in the UK also.

“We also discussed extreme right-wing ideology and formulated possible schemes for surreptitiously introducing it into mainstream politics in both our countries

“During the entire time, Boris behaved like a perfect gentleman.

“At no stage did he give the impression that he would like to take things a little further, let alone try any inappropriate moves.

“We parted with a warm handshake at the door, although I did think he was going to kiss me on the cheek at one point.

“To be honest, I was a little disappointed as I was wearing a pair of black, lacy, open crotch knickers under my business suit just in case”

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