The Whitechapel Whelk

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Boris Johnson


pooh boris quits

Apologies for the industrial language in the above. I think he may have been drinking. – Ed

Stanley Johnson Resigns as Boris Johnson’s Dad

Ex-pater, Stanley Johnson, pictured last night in sombre mood

Amid the turmoil of yesterday’s flurry of Tory resignations came the devastating news for beleaguered Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, that his father, Stanley, has decided to quit as his dad.

Speaking to newsmen from outside his Surrey home, Mr Johnson senior said: ‘I cannot, in all good conscience, carry on as Boris’s father.

‘I have been thinking of handing in my resignation for some time now.

‘In fact, I almost quit when he lied to his mother about stealing a quarter pound of toffees from the local sweet shop in 1974, but I stuck with him despite deep misgivings.

‘Since that day, it has been a litany of half-truths and downright lying on an almost daily basis but I’ve remained loyal despite it all.

‘I now wish I had listened to my daughter who told me years ago that he was a slippery devil and not to leave my credit card lying around.

‘The straw that finally broke this camel’s back was last night’s announcement by Nadine Dorries that she was 100 per cent behind him.

‘I knew then that it was time to do the honourable thing and move on’

At the time of going to press, Nadine Dorries has now told a source that she will indeed be quitting and will hand in her resignation to John Major as soon as the rugby finishes at Lords.

Boris Hits Back Furiously Following ‘BlowJo’ Scandal


Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has attempted to deflect from his role in the steamy scenario described in yesterday’s Private Eye magazine in which an MP, believed to be Gavin Williamson, walked into Johnson’s office when he was Foreign Secretary, to find him being given noisy oral relief by his current wife Carrie Johnson, then plain Carrie Symonds.

Johnson, however, was still married to his second wife, Marina, at the time the alleged incident took place.

Shortly after the incident,  now being given the social media hashtag, #blojo, Symonds was given a job by Johnson with a salary of £100,000 per annum. The inference being made by ‘The Eye’ is that she was appointed to the position for ‘services rendered’

However, in typical forthright, rumbustious style, Johnson sought to explain away the accusation, telling newsmen: ‘No story happened. It wasn’t my cock. I’m sorry, it was my cock. I’m not sorry it was my cock. It was a work blow. Let’s wait for Sue Grey. Let’s wait for the Met Police. Let’s wait for the Parliamentary Standards Committee. Let’s move on. The people’s priority is to move on. I’m getting on the job’

Gavin Williamson was approached for comment but his office said that he’s currently unavailable while he continues to recover from the long-term effects of an eye-bleaching episode following the event.

PM plays down No.10 lockdown orgy furore: Staff only fondled using socially distanced hands on springs, says Johnson

‘They were like this hand but on springs’ Johnson explained to a BBC correspondent

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson was at the centre of another #Partygate storm last night as former key advisor, Dominic Cummings, told The Times newspaper that a Roman-style orgy was held at Ten Downing Street during the height of the 2020 lockdown.

Cummings claims that up to 100 guests, including the prime minister and his wife, romped naked while caterers hired by Number 10 passed around cheese and wine along with condoms and various sex toys.

In a no-holds-barred interview, Cummings claims: ‘It was like a Roman orgy in there, to be honest.

‘I saw Cabinet ministers and parliamentary private secretaries going at it full pelt on the carpet and tables.

‘At one point, I saw Jacob Rees-Mogg, who was dressed as a 19th century serving wench, being pleasured by Brexit hardman, Steve Baker and his missus.

‘When he shot his bolt, he started bawling out the national anthem in Latin.

‘I didn’t take part myself as my eyesight was playing up quite badly and I didn’t want to end up bumming one of the chaps by mistake.

‘I can tell you that people were going at it hammer and tongs, especially the Prime Minister and Carrie, and that after everyone had gone home, there was spadge and fanny batter everywhere, including all up the walls’

The Prime Minister, strongly refuted the claims last night: ‘There was a small, work-based gathering which I attended for no more than ten minutes.’ he told the BBC’s Laura Kuenssberg.

‘There may have been some raucous horseplay after I left, during which, exhausted, hardworking staff let off a bit of steam, but I’ve been assured that any sexual contact was carried out using hands on springs in complete adherence to the distancing guidelines and that nobody actually got their end away, particularly me.’

This latest revelation comes just two weeks after, diminutive, far-right, Tory backbencher, Mark Francois, was censured by the 1922 Committee for appearing in a lurid dwarf porn video, filmed during Prince Philip’s funeral at Windsor Castle last April.

I’ll make Nanny Enid my Home Secretary, says Downing Street hopeful Rees Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

With underfire Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s position looking increasingly precarious, his fellow Old Etonian and current Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, appears to have thrown his hat into the ring in any forthcoming challenge for leadership of the Conservative Party.

Speaking to a fringe meeting of far-right Party members last night, Rees-Mogg said: ‘While I remain staunchly loyal to the Prime Minister, I’m also a realist and realise that a week is a long time in politics and he could be out on his ear by next Tuesday.

‘I should therefore like to put forward my case to fill the enormous gap that will be left, if and when he does get given his cucumber sandwiches wrapped in a road map at some point.

‘My Cabinet will consist of various Eton alumni, irrespective of political experience and based entirely on fortitude, moral fibre, religious zeal, and size of investment portfolio.

‘I haven’t decided on the allocation of the great offices of state quite yet as I’m waiting for the bribes to come in, but I can tell you that my childhood nanny, Miss Enid Chombley-Arkwright will be given the job of Home Secretary on the grounds of her staunchness of character, her knowledge of outlandish homemade cure-alls, and, above all, her firm and unflinching administration of the lash, which will hopefully keep troublesome backbenchers in line prior to entering the voting lobbies.’

Rees-Mogg went on to announce his vision for a ‘bright, new Conservative Britain’ by outlining plans to bring back, chimney sweeps, discounted gruel for street urchins whose parents voted for Brexit, and public executions, linked to the death penalty for stealing another chap’s tuck during evensong or masturbating to pictures of Matron while skiving behind a tree during the school’s annual hare and hounds cross country run.

Rees-Mogg, a colourful parliamentarian since 2010, recently came under fire from a parliamentary select committee who quizzed him for three days after accusations were levelled that he had sanctioned the roasting to death of three Liberal Democrat MPs in front of the log fire in his Palace of Westminster study after they had advocated free school meals for the ethnic minority children of unemployed LGBTQ activists.

Toddler savaged by government watchdog


There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a Government Watchdog that had been left free to roam inside The Palace of Westminster.

The toddler who hasn’t been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored witless by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.

The mite was reportedly badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so bladdered on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn’t know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child’s mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night: “It’s every parents worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.

‘We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there’s just no way now.

‘She’s so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.”

The watchdog’s owner Mr B. Johnson of Westminster spoke to reporters through a mesh grill in his front door last night

“I can’t believe this has happened in all honesty. I’ve had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry into minor civil misdemeanours and it’s always been as gentle as a lamb.

‘I used to let my two kids go into a committee room with that watchdog and they’d jump on the chairman’s back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke and now this has happened.

‘Admittedly there have been a couple of times it’s had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander around off the lead, but at the end of the day, it was only defending it’s territory.

‘I’m absolutely distraught, to be honest with you. It goes without saying I’ll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting.”

Last night a police watch was being kept on Mr Johnson’s’s home to prevent repercussions from vigilante neighbours and irate members of the electorate who want to confront the PM over the Brexit disaster and for proposing to scrap capital gains tax on second homeownership.

Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

Coronavirus Guidelines: An Update From The PM

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson Portrait

Good afternoon everybody

If you can get your face waxed by a beautician, do it from home. If you can’t get it waxed, do it safely on the tube, remembering to stay one metre-plus from any sheltering or vulnerable beauticians.

If you can work, don’t work, similarly, if you can’t work, work from a waxing salon but don’t wear a face covering, unless you’re on the tube and you have underlying wax issues.

Coronavirus will all be over by Christmas, but if it isn’t and more people require emergency waxing or shelter on the tube, I won’t hesitate to impose another lockdown, with no tube travel, no Christmas, and no waxing safely from home, unless you’re a vulnerable, sheltering tube driver with a hairy face.

We’re all in this together, especially when we’re waxing our tubes or sheltering our faces on the buses and tubes.

If you are sheltering, don’t shelter, just go to work on the tube and keep 1-metre-plus from any self-isolating vulnerable wax drivers, especially on the bus at Christmas.

Remember. Save wax. Stay out of the NHS. Protect the virus.

Now, I’ll take a few questions from vulnerable members of the press about safe waxing on Christmas Eve and the government’s plans to build five thousand sheltering salons for locked down beauticians during an NHS tube delay caused by wax on the line at Charing Cross on Boxing Day after we’ve all been in it together along with a few self-isolating NHS tube drivers…

Reading Atrocity: Johnson hails return to ‘good old-fashioned British terrorism’


Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night welcomed the fatal stabbings at a park in Reading on Saturday, calling the attack, which left three people dead and a number badly injured, ‘A welcome return to good old-fashioned British terrorism.

Speaking from Downing Street, Johnson told newsmen: “I think most right-thinking British people will welcome this attack as a long-overdue diversion from all this doom and gloom surrounding covid-19 and this government’s perceived failure to deal with it effectively.

“Saturday’s events were a wonderful return to good, old-fashioned British terrorism and much more the sort of thing the public are used to dealing with.

“From a personal point of view, I’m also hoping that the re-establishment of an Irish border, post-Brexit, will stir up ill-feeling and sectarianism on the island of Ireland and we on the mainland can look forward to a wave of IRA terror attacks just like we used to get in the good old days in the 70s and 80s.

“Hopefully, it will take the public’s minds off the complete collapse of the post-Brexit economy, the selling off of the NHS to Donald Trump, and the influx of hormone-injected beef and chlorinated chicken from the United States”.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apologies for the no-show in recent weeks. The thing is, a magazine is paying us to write for them and they want exclusivity as a condition for parting company with the readies. However, if you all chip in a few quid I’m fairly sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. *taps finger against side of nose and winks in conspiratorial manner*

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