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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Boris Johnson

I’ll make Nanny Enid my Home Secretary, says Downing Street hopeful Rees Mogg

Jacob speaking latin

With underfire Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s position looking increasingly precarious, his fellow Old Etonian and current Leader of The House of Commons, Jacob Rees-Mogg, appears to have thrown his hat into the ring in any forthcoming challenge for leadership of the Conservative Party.

Speaking to a fringe meeting of far-right Party members last night, Rees-Mogg said: ‘While I remain staunchly loyal to the Prime Minister, I’m also a realist and realise that a week is a long time in politics and he could be out on his ear by next Tuesday.

‘I should therefore like to put forward my case to fill the enormous gap that will be left, if and when he does get given his cucumber sandwiches wrapped in a road map at some point.

‘My Cabinet will consist of various Eton alumni, irrespective of political experience and based entirely on fortitude, moral fibre, religious zeal, and size of investment portfolio.

‘I haven’t decided on the allocation of the great offices of state quite yet as I’m waiting for the bribes to come in, but I can tell you that my childhood nanny, Miss Enid Chombley-Arkwright will be given the job of Home Secretary on the grounds of her staunchness of character, her knowledge of outlandish homemade cure-alls, and, above all, her firm and unflinching administration of the lash, which will hopefully keep troublesome backbenchers in line prior to entering the voting lobbies.’

Rees-Mogg went on to announce his vision for a ‘bright, new Conservative Britain’ by outlining plans to bring back, chimney sweeps, discounted gruel for street urchins whose parents voted for Brexit, and public executions, linked to the death penalty for stealing another chap’s tuck during evensong or masturbating to pictures of Matron while skiving behind a tree during the school’s annual hare and hounds cross country run.

Rees-Mogg, a colourful parliamentarian since 2010, recently came under fire from a parliamentary select committee who quizzed him for three days after accusations were levelled that he had sanctioned the roasting to death of three Liberal Democrat MPs in front of the log fire in his Palace of Westminster study after they had advocated free school meals for the ethnic minority children of unemployed LGBTQ activists.

Toddler savaged by government watchdog

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There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night after a 3-year-old girl was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital suffering from wounds inflicted by a Government Watchdog that had been left free to roam inside The Palace of Westminster.

The toddler who hasn’t been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries which included being bored witless by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture.

The mite was reportedly badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so bladdered on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn’t know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child’s mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night: “It’s every parents worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this.

‘We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there’s just no way now.

‘She’s so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4 and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.”

The watchdog’s owner Mr B. Johnson of Westminster spoke to reporters through a mesh grill in his front door last night

“I can’t believe this has happened in all honesty. I’ve had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry into minor civil misdemeanours and it’s always been as gentle as a lamb.

‘I used to let my two kids go into a committee room with that watchdog and they’d jump on the chairman’s back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke and now this has happened.

‘Admittedly there have been a couple of times it’s had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander around off the lead, but at the end of the day, it was only defending it’s territory.

‘I’m absolutely distraught, to be honest with you. It goes without saying I’ll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting.”

Last night a police watch was being kept on Mr Johnson’s’s home to prevent repercussions from vigilante neighbours and irate members of the electorate who want to confront the PM over the Brexit disaster and for proposing to scrap capital gains tax on second homeownership.

Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

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Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

Coronavirus Guidelines: An Update From The PM

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson Portrait

Good afternoon everybody

If you can get your face waxed by a beautician, do it from home. If you can’t get it waxed, do it safely on the tube, remembering to stay one metre-plus from any sheltering or vulnerable beauticians.

If you can work, don’t work, similarly, if you can’t work, work from a waxing salon but don’t wear a face covering, unless you’re on the tube and you have underlying wax issues.

Coronavirus will all be over by Christmas, but if it isn’t and more people require emergency waxing or shelter on the tube, I won’t hesitate to impose another lockdown, with no tube travel, no Christmas, and no waxing safely from home, unless you’re a vulnerable, sheltering tube driver with a hairy face.

We’re all in this together, especially when we’re waxing our tubes or sheltering our faces on the buses and tubes.

If you are sheltering, don’t shelter, just go to work on the tube and keep 1-metre-plus from any self-isolating vulnerable wax drivers, especially on the bus at Christmas.

Remember. Save wax. Stay out of the NHS. Protect the virus.

Now, I’ll take a few questions from vulnerable members of the press about safe waxing on Christmas Eve and the government’s plans to build five thousand sheltering salons for locked down beauticians during an NHS tube delay caused by wax on the line at Charing Cross on Boxing Day after we’ve all been in it together along with a few self-isolating NHS tube drivers…

Reading Atrocity: Johnson hails return to ‘good old-fashioned British terrorism’

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Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night welcomed the fatal stabbings at a park in Reading on Saturday, calling the attack, which left three people dead and a number badly injured, ‘A welcome return to good old-fashioned British terrorism.

Speaking from Downing Street, Johnson told newsmen: “I think most right-thinking British people will welcome this attack as a long-overdue diversion from all this doom and gloom surrounding covid-19 and this government’s perceived failure to deal with it effectively.

“Saturday’s events were a wonderful return to good, old-fashioned British terrorism and much more the sort of thing the public are used to dealing with.

“From a personal point of view, I’m also hoping that the re-establishment of an Irish border, post-Brexit, will stir up ill-feeling and sectarianism on the island of Ireland and we on the mainland can look forward to a wave of IRA terror attacks just like we used to get in the good old days in the 70s and 80s.

“Hopefully, it will take the public’s minds off the complete collapse of the post-Brexit economy, the selling off of the NHS to Donald Trump, and the influx of hormone-injected beef and chlorinated chicken from the United States”.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apologies for the no-show in recent weeks. The thing is, a magazine is paying us to write for them and they want exclusivity as a condition for parting company with the readies. However, if you all chip in a few quid I’m fairly sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. *taps finger against side of nose and winks in conspiratorial manner*

INSIDE POLITICS: Covid-19 Update

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Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are currently appearing in the hilarious farce, No Diseases Please We’re British, at the York Hall, Bethnal Green.

Editor’s Note: If any foreign people are reading this errant nonsense in the press about the UK being the worst country for covid-19 deaths per million of the population, I urge you to dismiss it all as a tissue of leftie lies. We are, after all, the country where Nelson was born and where blue passports will soon be carried by every staunch Britisher. No virus would dare to infect this blessed plot. Oh dear me no. That’s right out, that is!

Cummings was using ‘father’s instinct’ says Johnson after aide’s axe attack on son.

boris and cummings
Johnson and Cummings pictured during happier times

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night threw his weight behind his under-fire, advisor, Dominic Cummings, after his arrest following a late-night axe attack on his 4-year-old son which left the youngster fighting for his life in a London hospital.

Speaking to newsmen outside No.10 Downing Street, Johnson, who had earlier staunchly defended Cummings’ lockdown breaching 260-mile trip to Durham with his wife and son while both parents were displaying covid-19 symptoms, said: “I have spoken to Dominic and he has assured me that, just like he did when he drove the lad halfway across the country during the lockdown,  he was acting purely from his fathers’ instinct and was using good old-fashioned British common sense when he went for the kid with the axe.

“In any case, the boy is expected to make a full recovery over the months, albeit with a few scars and minus his right arm.

“In my view, it will be character-building for the lad and it’s no worse than the rough and tumble antics that the new boys at Eton were subjected to during their first term.

“Indeed, I was flogged to the bone with a barbed cat o’ nine tails while red hot pokers were applied to my private parts on my first morning and look where I am today.

“So let’s forget this axe nonsense and get on with supporting our wonderful NHS and getting Brexit done”

Cummings was later seen leaving Number Ten, carrying a photo album marked, ‘Boris, Jennifer, and the English bull terrier.

JUST IN!

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If you’ve been affected by the covid-19 situation, send us every last penny you own and me and the entire staff will jet off to an idyllic Pacific island for a few months until this whole unpleasant business is over – Ed

Corbyn beat me up in the toilets: Boris Johnson’s shock claim

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Opposition bleeder: Corbyn pictured shortly before battering Johnson

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told newsmen last night that defeated opposition leader, Jeremy Corbyn, attacked him in a House of Commons lavatory last week leaving him bruised and bleeding from a gaping head wound.

Johnson, who had just delivered his opening address to The Commons following his thumping election win last Thursday, told reporters: “After my speech, I needed to visit the toilet and excused myself from the chamber.

“I was standing at the urinal when Corbyn flew in, cursing and calling me all the names under the sun.

“He slammed my head against the tiles and then started raining punches on me as I collapsed to the ground.

“He then went in with the boot, delivering a number of kicks to my head and lower back.

“I was in awful pain and begged him to stop, but he just shouted that I was a flash, Tory monkey and carried on with the attack.

“Eventually, he seemed to run out of steam. He gave me a final boot in the ribs, called me a few more names and left.

“So much for the so-called, kinder, gentler politics, he had promised when he became leader”

Corbyn’s attack comes almost exactly a year after Labour MP, Yvette Cooper, was admonished by The Speaker, John Bercow, after she head-butted the then Prime Minister, Theresa May, as the members filed out of the chamber to deliver a vote on Mrs May’s 3rd EU Withdrawl Agreement.

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