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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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brexit

Is he a bore? Is he a pain? Yes! He’s Brexit Man!

Notice how we’ve resorted to posting memes instead of our usual amusing fake news stories lately?

It’s not good enough is it?

If I were you, I’d complain to the WordPress guvnors and ask that we be removed from the platform with a sweetener payoff of 10 million smackers.

Yes, that’s what I’d do alright – Ed

West London Brexiter shoots wife following bent banana let-down.

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A 97-year-old man from Kentish Town in West London was being held in police custody last night after he blasted his 101-year-old wife in the chest with a shotgun in a fit of rage after discovering that post-Brexit bananas were still curved and not straight as had been promised in pro-Brexit newspapers like The Daily Mail and The Telegraph.

Michael Steeden, a retired boating lake attendant, was held by police at his home in Chalk Farm Avenue after neighbours reported two loud gunshots.

Officers broke into the property and found Steeden sitting on the stairs with the shotgun across his knees and a banana in his hands which he appeared to be trying to straighten with a copper and hide mallet according to an eye witness.

His wife of eighty-two years, Shirley, was found in the kitchen clinging to the sink with gunshot wounds to the chest.

The injured woman was rushed to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where she was last night described as ‘comfortable but a bit shaken’

A police spokesman told newsmen: “Mr Steeden has been charged with attempted murder contrary to common law.

“He has admitted to the offence, blaming disappointment at discovering that post-Brexit bananas had not yet been straightened.

“Wait till he finds out that we still haven’t got rid of all the blacks”

More as we get it.

BREXIT UPDATE: Local man who doesn’t mind an occasional Guinness applies for Irish passport.

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has now applied for an Irish passport to avoid being lumped in with people who voted for Brexit Britain.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street told us: “I hate the idea of leaving the European Union and abandoning all the benefits, both trade-related and cultural that this country has enjoyed for the past 47 years, just because a bunch of beetle-browed, racist fuckwits from the north of England voted to leave the union in the belief that we’d get blue passports and less darkies walking the streets.

“I’ve therefore applied for an Irish passport and will move to County Leitrim with the wife and cat just as soon as it comes through.

“I’ve got no Irish connections whatsoever, but I don’t mind the odd pint of Draught Guinness whenever I’m constipated, so, hopefully, that should swing it in my favour”

In related news, a pro-Brexit man from Barnsley in Yorkshire shot himself earlier today when he discovered, that despite Britain having left the EU, his local newsagent was still being run by a Pakistani.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Any readers from overseas who are undecided about the wisdom of Britain leaving the EU should take on board the fact that Donald Trump – a man who fervently believes that covfefe is grown in a country called Nambia and that people with covid should guzzle down copious quantities of bleach – considered it to be a good idea before reaching any conclusion

Britain will conquer and lay waste any country that takes our fish, says Foreign Office

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A Royal Navy man-o-war standing ready to join the invasion fleet last night

The government seemingly toughened their stance on protecting Britain’s fishing rights last night by announcing that any country encroaching into British waters will be invaded and their cities sacked and burned.

A Foreign Office spokesman told newsmen: “Post-Brexit, Britain will be a sovereign nation once more and free to police our borders and fishing waters as we see fit.

‘The government have decided to conquer any nation whose rogue fishing boats enter our waters, enslave the populace, sack and pillage the cities and make these dominions British colonies like we used to do in the old days.

‘The British Army, The Royal Navy, and the RAF are now in readiness and will launch an invasion the minute our fish appear to be at risk from foreigners.’

Governments around the world reacted strongly to the threat last night, with many calling the decision over-the-top and expansionist.

The United States were a little more guarded, however.

A White House press officer told reporters: “The president has been informed of this move by the British but has urged caution while he finds out what, ‘laying waste’ means’

Accepting redundancy with stoicism to be taught in English schools

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The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.

Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.

Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.

A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”

This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.

Reading Atrocity: Johnson hails return to ‘good old-fashioned British terrorism’

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Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night welcomed the fatal stabbings at a park in Reading on Saturday, calling the attack, which left three people dead and a number badly injured, ‘A welcome return to good old-fashioned British terrorism.

Speaking from Downing Street, Johnson told newsmen: “I think most right-thinking British people will welcome this attack as a long-overdue diversion from all this doom and gloom surrounding covid-19 and this government’s perceived failure to deal with it effectively.

“Saturday’s events were a wonderful return to good, old-fashioned British terrorism and much more the sort of thing the public are used to dealing with.

“From a personal point of view, I’m also hoping that the re-establishment of an Irish border, post-Brexit, will stir up ill-feeling and sectarianism on the island of Ireland and we on the mainland can look forward to a wave of IRA terror attacks just like we used to get in the good old days in the 70s and 80s.

“Hopefully, it will take the public’s minds off the complete collapse of the post-Brexit economy, the selling off of the NHS to Donald Trump, and the influx of hormone-injected beef and chlorinated chicken from the United States”.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Apologies for the no-show in recent weeks. The thing is, a magazine is paying us to write for them and they want exclusivity as a condition for parting company with the readies. However, if you all chip in a few quid I’m fairly sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. *taps finger against side of nose and winks in conspiratorial manner*

Free theatre streaming and online libraries unfair to Brexiteers say critics

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The recent practice of offering self-isolating Brits the chance to watch plays and gain access to books online has been slammed as being unfair and not catering to the needs of the average Brexit voter.

The letters sections in a number of right-wing newspapers have been full of protestations by Brexiters, complaining that the move by theatre companies such as Shakespeare’s Globe and The National Theatre to stream live performances is catering to metropolitan liberal elites and not the average Joe.

In its leader this morning, The Sun newspaper hits out: “While it’s all fine and dandy for middle-class stockbrokers and chinless toffs to be getting an eyeful of Ibsen and Harold Pinter, what about the hardworking fella on the Clapham omnibus? He doesn’t want to sit down after a hard day’s graft with a novel by Somerset Maugham and with A Midsummer Night’s Dream playing away on the box.

“How about rerunning some of the old Jim Davidson shows on YouTube, or some Bernard Manning stand-up?

“A spot of casual racism with its foundation in genuine fascist ideology is the stuff to give the troops at a time like this”

A spokesperson for the National Theatre said last night: “We try to restrict our highbrow productions to one or two a week for the most part so that all tastes are catered for.

“Take last Tuesday night for example. We streamed a live production of To Kill A Mockingbird to cater for those who aren’t overly keen on the darkies”

Airport Twitter storm Brexiter had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets says eyewitness

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The staunch Brexiteer who went viral on Twitter last Friday when he complained about the length of the queue at a Dutch airport, had mistakenly joined the queue for the ladies toilets and not passport control according to an eye witness

Colin Browning, who tweeted, ‘This wasn’t the Brexit I voted for’, was also lampooned for his tweets on immigrants, gays, and female sports commentators.

He was ridiculed throughout the day by thousands and even trended on Twitter following his outburst about having to wait 50 minutes to get through passport control at Schiphol airport.

However, according to a female traveller who was standing behind the 55-year-old, he was actually in the queue for the ladies toilets, presumably by mistake, although this hasn’t yet been confirmed

Mrs Tracy Dell, 43, told newsmen: “This gentleman was just in front of me in the queue for the ladies.

“The back of his neck was really red and he kept muttering to himself about taking back control, the blacks, and unelected bureaucrats.

“I tapped him on the shoulder and tried to point out he was in the wrong queue but he got really upset and started shouting.

“At first, he accused me of talking to him in foreign.

“He then said I was after his job and wanted to enter the UK to live on unemployment benefits while sitting at home all day with the curtains drawn watching a flatscreen television.

“I wouldn’t mind but I’m a white English hairdresser from Essex”

Mr Browning was eventually led away by Dutch police who later charged him with disturbing the peace and defacing the cover of his European passport which he had coloured in with a blue crayon.

EDITOR’S NOTE: This skit was rejected by one of the satire heavyweights yesterday and it’s not difficult to see why

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