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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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brexit

BREAKING

bus

…and now, here’s a complete pack of lies written on the side of a bus about the weather for the week ahead…

SURVEY: Intelligence Quotient at Brexit Celebration Will Mirror 1960s Chimp’s Tea Party

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Brexit Party members pictured in earnest discussion last week

A recent survey carried out by Swansea University has found that the average level of intelligence per attendee at the forthcoming Brexit celebratory gathering in Parliament Square on January 31st will be roughly on a par with a primate at one of the chimp’s tea parties that were held at London Zoo in the 1960s.

The study, conducted among a cross-section of Brexit enthusiasts who have expressed a desire to attend, found that the intellect of some party-goers was so woefully low that many were unable to complete the questionnaire, or defaced it by scribbling over the questions in green crayon.

The party itself – the brainchild of Brexit poster boy, Nigel Farage – will feature appearances from prominent Brexiteers such as Weatherspoons boss, Tim Martin, pop star, Morrisey, and diminutive MP, Mark Francois, who will be provided with a box to stand on so that he can see over the table.

Red, white, and blue jelly, British fizzy pop, and bulldog-shaped cupcakes will be provided on the night with all proceeds going to Mr Farage’s favourite charity, Fascists In Need.

It is understood that due to the great age of some of the revellers, incontinence pads and Phylosan injections will be available if required.

Older partygoers will also be able to join in some old parlour game favourites such as; Pin The Tail On The Darky, Musical Wheelchairs, and, Beat Your Romanian Benefits Cheat Neighbour Out of Doors.

A large section of those in attendance are expected to consist of people from the north of England, so whippet watering stations, Hovis jam butties, and cloth cap pegs will be laid on to accommodate this contingent.

The evening will end at midnight with a rousing rendition of Hearts Of Oak and Jerusalem, with flashcards displaying the words being held up by helpers for the benefit of the small number who are able to read.

Brexit Party member returns to primaeval soup

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Happier times. Mr Carter smiles for the camera at a family party last month

A 56-year-old man who was one of the founder members of the staunch, anti-European Union, Brexit Party, has regressed down the evolutionary scale and has now returned to the primaeval soup where life on earth first began 4 billion years ago

Terence Carter, unemployed, from Whitechapel in East London, began to show signs of morphing into a shapeless life form just a few weeks after joining the party, led by leading Brexit cheerleader, Nigel Farage, last July.

His wife, Melissa, 52, told a Whelk reporter: “Shortly after getting his Brexit Party literature and enamel badge through the post, I began to notice changes in Terry.

“At first, he began speaking a lot more slowly than usual, then, after a few days, he lost the power of speech altogether and began communicating with a series of grunts and hand signals.

“It was around this time that I noticed a huge increase in his body hair and his forehead began to stick out a lot more than it used to.

“One day, I came home from work and he was unable to walk upright and was crawling around in the kitchen on all fours.

“He took to staying out in the garden a lot, swinging on the hanging tyre that we’d made for the dog.

“It all ended when I came back from shopping and spotted him floating on the top of the pond.

“At first, I thought he was a bit of frog spawn, but when I hooked him out and looked through my magnifying glass, I could see it was him by his beady little eyes and a fragment of his cloth cap.

“I’m not that sorry he’s returned to the primordial soup where life first began, to be honest. He’d changed a lot since he joined that Brexit lot.

“He was quite a nice man when I first met him, but all he’s done over the last few months is sit in front of the TV, slagging off Michel Barnier, and, when he wasn’t doing that, he was stamping around the house, praising Donald Trump and having a go at the blacks”

This incident comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Stepney gradually morphed into a gibbon after attending a series of meetings of the United Kingdom Independence Party.

Local woman boils kettle on Brexiteer husband’s head

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she boiled a full kettle of water by placing it on the head of her staunch Brexiteer husband’s head during a party political broadcast by the Liberal Democrats.

Tracy Dell from Commercial Street, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching TV with my husband, Toby, when the Lib Dem’s party broadcast started.

“Straight away, I noticed the temperature in the room go up when they started talking about scrapping Brexit.

“I knew from experience that it was due to the heat coming from Toby’s head, and, sure enough, when I looked at him, he was bright red and the vein in his temple was throbbing like the clappers.

“I didn’t want to miss the chance to save a few bob so I stuck the kettle on his head and boiled it up for a cuppa.

“His head was so hot it only took around half a minute. In the end, I had to switch the telly over to a wildlife programme to stop it from boiling over”

Mrs Dell also confided that she uses her husband to take the chill off the guest bedroom when the children are staying over by getting her him to sit in there for ten minutes with a picture of the European Union’s Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier.

POLITICS IN BRIEF: Prime Minister Johnson leaves 3 notes out for the milkman

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Following his controversial actions yesterday, when Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent two contradictory letters to the European Union and a further letter confirming the contradictory nature of the second, he has now muddied the waters on the domestic front by leaving out three notes for the milkman outside 10 Downing Street.

United Dairies milkman of 32-years, Toby Dell, told newsmen: “I was shocked when I saw what the PM had done.

“Instead of his usual request for one of those little bottles of orange juice on a Sunday, there were three notes.

“One asking for an extra bottle of gold top, one cancelling it, and a third from the Attorney General, stipulating that the first note was a pack of lies.

“I didn’t know where to turn, so I left a bottle of sterilised and a strawberry yoghurt before driving round to deliver at the Treasury”

A Downing Street spokesman said last night: “The Prime Minister doesn’t drink milk. He’s been having vintage Krug on his Rice Krispies since he was sent down from Eton in ’62”

Brexiteer Francois will be invisible to the naked eye in his seventies say anthropologists

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Francois pictured not standing in a ditch last night

A body of Britain’s leading anthropologists have calculated, that, pint-sized, right-wing MP, Mark Francois, will only be visible through a microscope when he reaches the age of seventy, due to the natural shrinkage that affects the elderly.

A spokesman for The British Society of Anthropology told newsmen: “According to our study findings, Mr Francois will be roughly the size of a single-cell organism when he hits seventy years of age.

“He will be visible with the aid of a microscope initially, but we anticipate that he will probably disappear altogether in his nineties and become one with the ether.

Staunch Brexiteer, Francois, who currently measures just over twenty-nine inches in his stockinged feet, dismissed the claims as ‘scaremongering’ last night.

“This report is palpable nonsense and wild speculation, probably instigated by lefty scientists who can’t deal with the fact that we’re leaving the EU”

He also angrily scotched recent rumours that he slipped through the grating of a storm drain in Whitehall last week and had to be pulled free by sewer workers using a bit of string tied under his armpits.

LOCAL NEWS

whelk fp brexit homes

Each 6′ x 6′ room comes with its own naked lightbulb and fitted gruel cupboard –London District of Whitechapel

The Queen ‘mightily pissed off’ at having to get out of bed to sign Brexit bill says insider

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Not amused. The Queen pictured putting a brave face on it last night

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whitechapel Whelk that The Queen was none too happy after being made to get out of bed to give a signed royal assent to the cross-party European Union (Withdrawal) (No 5) Bill last night.

“When Her Majesty was told that the bill had been accepted by The House of Commons and that she needed to put her signature to it she was mightily pissed off and kept muttering, ‘fuck’s sake’, and, ‘poxy Brexit’ under her breath as she waited in her dressing gown for the document to arrive”, the insider revealed.

The Queen famously likes to retire at 10.00 pm each night after watching the 9.00 pm thrillers on the BBC or ITV, although she does stay up later on Saturdays to watch all the day’s goal highlights on Match Of The Day.

JUST IN

brexit

These are worrying and uncertain times for The United Kingdom which make us gaze longingly west across the Atlantic to the strong, stable, and non-divisive government currently being enjoyed by our American cousins…oh. – Ed

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