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Business News: Goldman Sachs employees to be allowed to carry out duties with their cocks out

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In a surprise move, the international banking giant, Goldman Sachs, has announced that their recent initiative to introduce a more relaxed dress code is to be extended to allow male employees to have their cocks hanging out during working hours at their offices in London’s Fleet Street.

A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We feel that this move will allow workers to feel more relaxed and less constrained by a restrictive dress code that currently doesn’t allow cocks to be displayed in the work environment.

“It will also help office managers to identify male staff who have been watching porn during working hours”

The initiative has already been trialled in the firm’s New York offices where it was a huge success resulting in a 4 per cent rise in profits.

The move has met with some opposition, however, with one female executive calling it, ‘a bit unsightly’, while a number of male employees with small penises have expressed concerns about it being made compulsory.

People who stand up before the train arrives at the station ‘scum of the earth’ claims report

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People pictured standing on a train yesterday

A report released yesterday has revealed that train passengers who stand up well before the train has pulled into the station are the scum of the earth

The report, by a Cambridge University study group, further concludes that hanging is too good for these people and that they should have been drowned in a bucket at birth.

A spokesman for the university told newsmen: “Quite what these prize chumps hope to achieve by getting up and standing in the aisle as soon as the tannoy announces the next stop is beyond me.

“Our report calls them scum of the earth and worthy of infanticide, well I would go further.

“In my view, there needs to be a root and branch culling of these fucknuts until not one remains

“The same thing goes for people who start scrambling for the overhead lockers as soon as a plane lands.

“If it was up to me I’d lash them to the underside of the fuselage and leave them there for the return flight so that they die of terror and hypothermia”

Controversial budget airline, Ryanair, has responded by stating that although they would be comfortable with this last proposal, they would introduce a surcharge for passengers according to weight and air resistance, or ‘drag’.

Tickled woman develops murderous hatred towards man doing the tickling

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A tickled woman pictured handing out the summary justice

The Whelk has learned that a 32-year-old woman developed feelings of undiluted psychotic hatred towards a work colleague who tickled her beneath both arms while she was sitting at her desk.

Tracy Dell, a systems analyst for Whitechapel Holdings Ltd, told a Whelk reporter that if she had been carrying a gun and was guaranteed impunity, she would have cheerfully shot the man in his face.

“This cretin thinks he’s a funny guy and is always playing so-called jokes on other staff members.

“He does stuff like putting glue on door handles, stretching clingfilm over the toilet bowl and generally acting the giddy arseole.

“The moment he began tickling me under the arms I felt this all-consuming rage well up in me.

“Make no mistake, I would have gunned this chump down like a dog if I thought I could have gotten away with it.

“He even made a noise while he was doing it. A kind of dugga, dugga, dugga, dugga, deal.

“Even now, I get incensed just thinking about. This fool deserves to die and to die real slow in my view”

A spokesman for the company told us yesterday: “Yes, this employee can be a little boisterous and can, on occasion, overstep the boundaries but he’s still the best company padre we’ve ever had”

Local lovers call for beds to be installed in The Limehouse Link Tunnel

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A rumpy-pumpy-free section of The Limehouse Link pictured last night

Over a thousand young men and women from across East London have signed a petition calling for double beds to be installed at regular intervals along the one and a half mile length of The Limehouse Link Tunnel, which links the northern approach to Tower Bridge to London’s Docklands.

The youngsters feel that their desires have been sidelined and that the lack of lovemaking facilities in the tunnel contravenes their human rights.

The leader of the pressure group, ‘Tunnel of Love’, Toby Dell, 23, told us: “It’s an absolute disgrace that young people are expected to walk all that way in the darkness and with all those poisonous lorry fumes with nowhere to stop to have sex.

“I walked through with my girlfriend last week and she became so desperate after half an hour she had to masturbate to completion just before the turnoff for Tilbury Dock.

“Surely it’s not too much to ask for proper provisions to be made so that the young people of the East End have somewhere to indulge in a good scuttling on what is a pretty arduous and monotonous journey”

This move comes just a year after the London Borough of Tower Hamlets installed male prostitutes at 100-metre intervals along the length of the Rotherhithe Tunnel to cater for the district’s gay community.

WORLD POLITICS IN BRIEF

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In other news, a CNN journalist has been found dead in the toilet on the 25th floor of Trump Tower hours after visiting the building for an interview with Donald Trump Jr.

Early reports say that he had been beaten about the head and body before being shot in the back.

A spokesman for the Trump Organisation told newsmen that the unnamed journalist had committed suicide.

More as we get it.

Tech News: New Apple smartwatch will alert you to people in the same room who have a wooden leg

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Breakthrough: An Apple iWatch 5 pictured last night

The Apple Corporation yesterday unveiled their latest piece of innovative technology in the shape of the Apple iWatch 5, which will not only tell you the time of day with a fair degree of accuracy but will also alert you to the fact that somebody in the same room as yourself has a wooden leg.

Speaking at last night’s Apple Special Event from The Steve Jobs Centre, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, told a thousand-strong audience: “This device will change the way you look at people in the same room forever.

“Now, instead of wondering whether any of them has a wooden leg, this device will emit a series of beeps whenever anybody who is fitted with one comes within 3 metres of the wearer”

Apple hopes that the device will be a boon to wearers who smoke and can’t find anywhere to stub out their cigarettes or knock out their pipe.

EXCLUSIVE: RED LIGHT BOMBSHELL

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Our sports editor used to be a prostitute. He had a small flat in Commercial Road from where he used to ply his trade. He packed it in after 6 months because his clientele kept putting their prices up – Ed

Waitrose to introduce ‘Ageing Thick Bastard Hour’ to cater for Brexiteers

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A ‘Brexiteer’ pictured earlier

 

Supermarket giants, Waitrose, have responded to rival chain Morrisons’ introduction of a ‘Quieter Hour’ to benefit shoppers on the autistic spectrum, by launching an ‘Ageing Thick Bastard Hour’ aimed at Brexiteer customers.

The store has announced, that between 16.00 and 17.00 on Saturdays, a medley of 1930s hits will be played over the tannoy, interspersed with military marches and wartime favourites.

Male checkout staff will be dressed in 3-piece, pin-striped suits adorned with a watch and chain, while the females will be sporting floaty gingham dresses and straw boaters.

Staff who are non-white or have foreign accents will be sent to work in the stockroom or made to sweep up the yard for the duration.

The move has been welcomed by Brexit hardliner, Jacob Rees-Mogg, who told newsmen: “This is a first-class initiative that will reinforce the belief that Britain will be much stronger when we stand alone, just like we did in ’39.”

Rival supermarket giants, Tesco, have denied reports that they are introducing a, ‘Trump Supporters Hour’, during which shoppers will be encouraged to drive their cars at black people in the car park.

SITUATIONS VACANT

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Many thanks to our good friends at Dafty News for running this one and for withholding payment until the last minute as usual – Ed

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