The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



London’s Lost Tradesmen: The Ropefarters of Rotherhithe


In the early 1900s, all of Britain’s newly-manufactured nautical ropes were sent to Rotherhithe in south-east London, where highly skilled artisans would season the raw hemp by passing wind over the coiled ropes in specially designed sheds, or, Gruff Houses, as they were known.

Each Ropefarter would eat up to 12 tins of beans and 3lbs of Brussel sprouts before each 11-hour shift and would often expel up to 600 atmospheres of gas during that time. That’s enough to inflate an average hot air balloon 5-times.

The Ropefarters were eventually made redundant by the shipping companies when residents in neighbouring Bermondsey complained about the noise and smell after a number of young children and elderly people died from asphyxiation during a 24-hour shift on a blisteringly hot day in July 1903.

Source: The Ripsnorter and Botty Burp Guide 1907

The Whelk’s Wonderful Worldwide World of Our Editorial Meetings

Tuesday, May 1, 2018

dafty meeting

I still say I’m right about the arses thing mind!

NEXT WEEK: The editor-in-chief drops a 1-ton weight on my head from the roof of the building for suggesting we could use a few more cock and growler gags


Millions of Barclaycard holders eligible for free butt plugs


butt plug
A best-selling butt plug pictured last night


Banking giants, Barclay’s, have announced that a recently introduced scheme to encourage customers to sign up for one of their credit cards will include a free butt plug for anyone registering for a card before May 1.

A spokesman for the bank told us last night: “We hope, that by introducing an anal sex toy as a free gift, more people will be encouraged to become Barclaycard holders.

“It’s our way of saying thank you to new customers by giving them the opportunity to ram a rubber device up their bottom when there’s not much on TV, or even during slack periods at work”

This scheme mirrors a similar incentive offered by Barclay’s rivals, Santander, who last year gave away over a million, Rampant Black Mamba Bully Boy, clitoral stimulators to customers who signed up for a business account.

Skiving “Snow Day f**ks” are crippling Brit economy says Bank of England boss


Members of the Whitechapel Chamber of Commerce pictured struggling to get to work yesterday


The Governor of The Bank of England, Mark Carney, yesterday delivered a blistering, foul-mouthed attack on the thousands of British workers who have absented themselves from work this week and taken a ‘Snow Day’ due to major disruptions on the transport network caused by freezing temperatures and heavy snowfall.

Speaking at The Guildhall to members of the Confederation of British Industry, the 52-year-old, Canadian was unequivocal in his condemnation of the practice: “These skiving f**ks are a bunch of freeloading Brit assholes.

“Imagine if I took a day off from setting interest rates and overseeing fluctuations on the international money markets to slide down Primrose Hill on a tea tray every time we had light snowfall in the goddamn city!

“I’m going to ask The Chancellor of The Exchequer to personally examine TV news footage of these bone-idle limey sonsofbitches romping in the snow like a bunch of 5-year-old kids and tell him to make sure they never work again.

“This country’s already being flushed down the toilet by these Brexit assholes without having the economy being further screwed over by these malingering motherf**kers”

Carney and the 200 plus CBI members present were then forced to spend the night sleeping on camp beds on the floor after Guildhall staff were unable to open the front doors due to a heavy snowdrift and frozen locks.

Yahoo mail to be blown up by demolition experts


Fail Mail: Yahoo Mail pictured in happier times


Troubled email provider, Yahoo, is to have all its accounts destroyed in a controlled explosion later on today.

It is understood that 5 tonnes of plastic explosive will be used in the operation, which will hopefully clear a space on the internet for the expansion of more successful providers, such as, Gmail and Outlook.

The blast will take place at 15.00 GMT and Yahoo clients are being advised to remain logged out of their accounts during the operation.

The East London demolition company carrying out the work, Dell Tracy Ltd, issued a statement last night: “We advise all Yahoo email users to stand at least 300 metres away from their laptop or device while we carry out the explosion.

“There may be a limited amount of falling debris, such as fragments of adverts and photographs, but hopefully there will be minimal disruption and danger to users.

“Although, people who haven’t cleared their inboxes for a while may have to dust a few stray viagra ads and the odd piece of weather forecast debris from their keyboards and screens”

Yahoo clients will be hoping there’s no repetition of the tragic events of 2005 when 5 internet surfers lost their lives and more than a hundred were injured during the ill-fated demolition of Google +.

Company launch online, masturbation by proxy site for tired executives


Are you spent before you’ve spent? Then this site could be for you


An enterprising company in Whitechapel in East London yesterday launched an innovative new venture, offering an online masturbation by proxy service for business executives, both male and female, who are too exhausted to pleasure themselves after a hard day in the office.

Dell & Dee Ltd, who operate from an industrial unit in Tobacco Dock, announced the launch of their site yesterday afternoon.

CEO, Sofia Dee, told The Whelk: “Many high-powered executives are simply too exhausted to bring themselves to a climax after a taxing day at work, so we are hoping our Tug4U service will bring them some relief, so to speak.

“All the client needs to do is log on to the Tug4U site and one of our helpful staff, who are online 24/7 including bank holidays and Christmas Day, will masturbate on their behalf using a saucy fantasy of the client’s choice.

“At the end of each month, our clients will receive an easy-to-understand bill based on the quantity of grumble sessions requested and the amount of spadge or fanny batter produced as a result.

“We have already received a number of bookings from business high-flyers, including, Sir Richard Branson and Sir Alan Sugar, and from the world of politics, Theresa May and Jacob Rees-Mogg”

We understand that US President, Donald Trump has also expressed an interest, but was refused registration due to the extreme nature of his demands and because he was unable to fill in the form correctly.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1


Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

Amazon fury over timed masturbation breaks for staff


The shape of things to come? An Amazon worker pictured getting the job done at her work station yesterday


Workers employed by online retail giants, Amazon, have reacted furiously to the company’s latest directive which stipulates that every employee has to adhere to a strict 2-minute limit when masturbating in the workplace, whether it be in the toilets or a dimly lit area of the warehouse.

One man we spoke to, Toby Dell, 32, who has worked at the Whitechapel depot for the past 6 months, told us: “It’s absolutely outrageous. Who could possibly masturbate to completion in 2 minutes?

“I sometimes manage longer than that with my girlfriend, for God’s sake”

Dell’s female co-worker, Tracy Carter, 19, was also incensed by the new measure: “Two minutes? I’d barely have time to pull my knickers down and get my Tom Hardy pics out.

“When I was working in Boots in Oxford Street, our supervisor used to give us 5 minutes to clear our tubes, although she did bang on the toilet door if we went over our time”

A spokesperson for Amazon said last night: “We believe that 2 minutes is more than generous and the company has no plans at present to amend this directive.

“If people don’t like it they will have to blow their custard before they leave for work in the morning, or rub themselves against the conveyor belt until they shoot their bolts”

This latest controversial, time-saving move comes just 6 weeks after the company stopped people from having time-consuming bowel movements at work by pushing rubber bungs up their bottoms before each shift.

Local man blames negative review of Windows 10 for bout of sickness and diarrhoea


Going viral: Windows 10 pictured trying to look all innocent last night


A 35-year-old man from Commercial Road has blamed a damning review he gave to Microsoft’s Windows 10 operating system for a 48-hour bout of vomiting and diarrhoea that he suffered shortly afterwards.

Toby Dell, a ceiling fixer, told The Whelk: “I was absolutely fine until a prompt appeared on my screen, asking me how likely it would be for me to recommend Windows 10 to a friend.

“I ticked the box marked, “Extremely Unlikely” and then, just 2 days later, I went down with this really bad stomach bug.

“If you ask me, Microsoft sent me a virus through my laptop as a punishment. The germs probably come out through the speakers or the USB port or something.

“Next time, I’m going to say that Windows 10 is great, even though it’s absolute shite. After all, it’s better safe than sorry at the end of the day”

In a similar incident in 1987, a Shoreditch man told his wife that he blamed the lukewarm feedback he gave to Microsoft about their Windows 3.1 operating system for the virulent bout of syphilis he was suffering from at the time.

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