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Local man’s Christian values on the ebb following post-Mass, toe-stubbing incident

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Ganesh. Would He have allowed the toe-stubbing? The jury is out

A Whitechapel man began to question his faith in God last Sunday after stubbing his toe on an uneven paving slab just a few minutes after attending a sung Latin Mass at Westminster Cathedral.

Toby Dell, a die-setter from Commercial Street, told a Whelk reporter: “I’d only left the cathedral a few minutes previously when I stubbed my toe on the slab.

“I immediately began to question my faith in God and wondered if I would have been better off staying indoors or going down the pub.

“Admittedly, I’d slipped out before the Eucharist to avoid the collection ladies, so maybe God was punishing me for not being in a state of grace when I left.

“It did make me challenge the whole concept of Christianity mind you.

“However, I did say three Ave Marias in Latin on the way home in case God made me accidentally fall down a manhole.”

In a related incident last week, a 45-year-old Muslim man from Bethnal Green stopped believing in Allah just an hour after leaving a local mosque when he slipped on a wet dog turd in Roman Road, squashing it with his hand as he fell.

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Slow-walking woman in supermarket a real piece of crap: Local man’s snap judgement

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A supermarket, clearly not in inner-city London pictured last night

A woman who walked slowly in front of a 42-year-old Whitechapel man in his local supermarket was a real piece of crap according to a snap judgement he made at the time

Toby Dell from Commercial Street, told us last night: “This woman entered the store at the same time as me and I realised at once she was going to be a real problem.

“She began walking slowly in front of me with her trolley angled so that I couldn’t get past.

“When she finally stopped to choose some loose bananas, I managed to squeeze past, only to find this bitch had once again overtaken me while I was putting some Greek yoghurt and cottage cheese in my trolley at the cold section

The piece of human garbage then started crawling along at a snail’s pace in front of me once again, occasionally stopping to faff about endlessly while choosing an item from the shelves.

“It was at this point that I judged her to be a real piece of crap and somebody I would cheerfully empty a revolver into if I knew I wouldn’t go to jail for it”

Mr Dell’s assessment comes just two weeks after a 50-year-old woman from Shadwell told us, that, in her view, a man who held her up in the newsagent by counting out his small change on the counter was “a fucking arseole that should have been drowned in a bucket at birth”

40-year-old local woman who featured in toilet support ad found hanged

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A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged at her home in Commercial Street last week just days after she featured in a Betterware catalogue advertisement for an aid for people who struggle to get on and off the toilet.

Tracy Dell, a part-time model who has previously appeared in a number of ads for the magazine, which features handy household gadgets and cleaning products, is believed to have taken her own life during a bout of depression which her husband believes was brought on by her being asked to advertise a product for the elderly.

Toby Dell, 42, told us: “Tracy was gutted when she was asked to do the ad.

“She had to sit on the toilet with this handrail next to it which is designed so that old grunters can heave themselves off the bog after a dump.

“She’s had to advertise some pretty dodgy stuff before, like incontinence pads and facial hair removing cream but this one really got to her in my view.”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 33-year-old man from Stepney threw himself to his death from Battersea Bridge after featuring in a local newspaper ad aimed at men suffering from erectile dysfunction.

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa psychologically scars a teen boy after his request for the weather forecast for the week ahead results in “spotty little twat” jibe.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

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Gibraltar to be rebuilt on Olly Murs’ big face in the event of a disorderly Brexit

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The island of Gibraltar will be abandoned to the Spanish and rebuilt on the big face of British pop icon, Olly Murs, in the event of a no-deal Brexit, it has been revealed.

A Foreign Ofice spokesman told newsmen last night: “If we leave the EU without a deal on the 29th of March, the government will give up Gibraltar to the Spanish and rebuild the territory in its entirety on Olly Murs’ big face.

“The capital, Gibraltar, will be constructed on his enormous forehead, while the other small towns will be dotted around other parts of his massive face.

“Olly will then be towed out to sea by tugs before being anchored somewhere in the English Channel where we can keep an eye on him and where sovereignty won’t be an issue”

“The population of 35,000 will then be shipped out to his face to begin a new life”

Murs himself was unavailable for comment as he is in rehearsal for a series of concerts in various northern holiday resorts, but his mother, Beryl, 97, said last night: “Olly is absolutely delighted and is really looking forward to a small British territory being set up on his gigantic dial.

“He’s made his father and me very proud, I don’t mind telling you”

The government last night denied growing rumours that Murs had objected to Gibraltar’s famous monkey population being moved onto his face on the grounds that they might go up his nose and swing on the hairs

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

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A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

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