The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Whitechapel Named European District of Rupture

The coveted, Golden Truss of Montreaux. Notice how its goldness has faded down the years due to wear and tear and so on

The people of Whitechapel were in jubilant mood last night after beating off stiff competition from over 500 major towns across Europe to win the prestigious, European District of Rupture Award, the first East London area ever to do so.

Each year, the prestigious, Golden Truss of Montreaux, is awarded to the town or district which can boast the highest number of people per square mile who are suffering from a rupture.

Whitechapel narrowly pipped Berne in Switzerland for the crown by notching up an estimated 67 rupturees, compared to 63 from their Swiss rivals.

Whitechapel’s Mayor, The Honourable Toby Dell, MBE, told newsmen: “This is a great accolade for the area and a tribute to its people.

“I knew that a lot of people round here were ruptured but I had no idea it was this many.

“I’m actually ruptured myself but was unable to be counted because of my high office, otherwise, we’d have thrashed the others by even more”

Whitechapel’s triumph comes just a year after Bermondsey in South London won the highly prized, World District of Erectile Dysfunction Award for a record fourth year in succession.

Jeremy Corbyn crucifies himself in Whitechapel

Corbyn on Cross a
Nailing it. Corbyn pictured yesterday with old comrade and Shadow Chancellor, John McDonnell


Under-fire Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has crucified himself in Whitechapel’s, Commercial Road, in a bid to allay suspicions that he harbours anti-semitic opinions.

Corbyn, who had managed to nail himself to a large cross in front of The Lord High Admiral pub, was finally lowered to the ground this morning by commuters on their way to work.

He was then taken to the Kensington and Chelsea hospital where he is being treated for wounds to his hands and feet and dehydration.

Labour Party deputy leader, Tom Watson, told newsmen earlier: “If this doesn’t prove that Jeremy hasn’t got it in for the Jews then I don’t know what will.

“I spoke to him this morning and the only thing he’s annoyed about is the fact that he forgot to plunge the spear into his side before he nailed himself up.”

This latest incident comes just 2 weeks after Theresa May put on blackface and performed ‘Old Man River’ in a local production of Showboat to prove she’s got nothing against African immigrants.

Archaeological Bombshell: Ginger Rogers played the accordion at The Last Supper claim theologians

An ancient photograph taken by St James at The Last Supper showing Rogers in fine form.


The Royal London Society of Theologians last night made the sensational claim that 1940’s film legend, Ginger Rogers, played a medley of tunes on the piano accordion at the final gathering of Christ and his disciples, known as, The Last Supper, before His arrest and crucifixion by the Romans.

Rogers, whose true age has never been verified but who is believed to have been in her early thirties at the time, played a medley of sea shanties, including, Hearts of Oak, Anchors Aweigh, and Blow The Man Down.

Verification has now been confirmed following the discovery of a scroll believed to have been written by St Thomas, in which he states: “We were all feeling a bit depressed because it was The Last Supper, so when Ginger turned up and played a few shanties, it was just what the doctor ordered.

“A couple of the lads even got up and had a little dance, and even Jesus was tapping his foot under the table”

It is not known at this time whether Rogers was hired by one of The Disciples beforehand or whether she was a part of the in-house entertainment laid on by the inn.

This latest revelation comes just a year after a 2000-year-old document revealed that iconic song and dance man, Sammy Davis Junior, sang, Hit The Road Jack, and the theme tune from Rawhide, during Christ’s appearance before Pontius Pilate on charges of sedition and vandalising the temple.

Vatican hails miracle as BBC TV listings appear on local man’s penis


tv guide
A TV guide believed to be similar to the one that appeared on Mr Dell’s cock


The Vatican is set to beatify a Whitechapel man after last Tuesday’s BBC TV listings appeared on his penis.

Toby Dell, 52, a forklift truck mechanic from Vallance Road, spotted the phenomena last Tuesday morning while emptying his bladder

“I couldn’t believe it,” he told The Whelk. “The BBC telly listings just appeared on my nob as if by magic.

“They were all there, both BBC 1 and 2, although BBC 4 wasn’t on it, probably because it’s on cable.

“I had a look on the underside to see if the ITV programmes were on there but it was bare

“It came in handy that evening as my missus had forgotten to get a paper so we just checked my cory to see what was on next.”

The Vatican now plan to have Mr Dell beatified as a bringer of miracles, alongside Mother Theresa, Pope John Paul II, and roly-poly BBC Radio London presenter, Vanessa Feltz, who, in 2002, had the entire week’s Christmas TV schedule, including the satellite and cable listings, appear on one of the cheeks of her arse.

Trump’s face on a hot cross bun cured my dandruff: Local woman’s shock claim


Bunderful. A hot cross bun indulging in some innocent locker room talk last night


From our currant affairs editor, Danny Soz

A 47-year-old Whitechapel woman has made the astonishing claim that her chronic dandruff, which has plagued her since early childhood, has now completely cleared up, due, to what she believes to be, the miraculous healing powers of a likeness of US President, Donald Trump she spotted in a hot cross bun.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of 4, told newsmen: “I arrived back from Lidl last Friday and decided to eat one of the hot cross buns I had bought earlier.

“To my surprise, the face of Donald Trump was clearly visible in the corner of one of them. There was no doubt about it. Two of the currants were his eyes and a burnt orangey section at the top was his hair.

“Almost immediately, a bright light flooded the kitchen and I felt a burning sensation on my scalp.

“I heard a voice cry out: “Dandruff! You are banned from this woman until we find out what the hell’s going on. Make her scalp great again”

“After I’d calmed down a bit, I looked in the mirror and my dandruff had completely cleared up. It’s a miracle and I can’t thank Mr Trump enough.

“Like almost everybody else in Britain, I hated Trump’s guts big time and I was going to bare my arse and throw bottles of piss at him when he visits this country in November, but after this, I’ll just stay home and watch it on the telly instead”

Mrs Dell’s revelation comes exactly 25 years after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch was cured of long-term irritable bowel syndrome after spotting the face of Ronald Reagan on the burnt surface of a custard tart.

Final Dead Sea Scroll foretold the coming of Honey Boo Boo


Exclusive - Alana Thompson Competes in "The Sparkle & Shine Pageant"
Boo Boo pictured in jubilant mood last night after being told of her inclusion in The Dead Sea Scrolls


One of the last remaining obscure parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls has finally been deciphered by researchers in Israel.

Along with descriptions of a number of ancient seasonal rites, the scroll reveals that scribes in the 4th century BC prophesied the coming of American TV sensation Honey Boo Boo to our screens.

Israeli scholars at Haifa University painstakingly put together over 600 tiny fragments in order to finally decipher the ancient script.

Team leader, Professor Tobias Dellstein, told newsmen last night: “The final scroll contains details of seasonal celebrations performed by ancient Hebrew tribes and also accurately forecasts the appearance of Honey Boo Boo and her family on American TV shortly after the turn of the 21st century.”

Last year, Egyptologists at Cairo University revealed that hieroglyphics inside the sarcophagus of Tutankhamen contained warnings of the birth of Donald Trump and foretold the untimely death of Grizzly Adams in 2016.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1


Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

Fragment of The True Cross discovered in local man’s colon.


The True Cross pictured in the olden days. (image courtesy of The Jerusalem Bugle) 



The world of religious artefacts was turned upside down yesterday when a fragment of wood removed from the colon of a Whitechapel van driver was authenticated by experts as being a piece of the cross on which Jesus Christ was crucified over 2000 years ago; the so-called, ‘True Cross’.

The surgeon who removed the fragment, Dr Toby Dell, 47, told reporters: “This gentleman was referred to me complaining of lower bowel pain.

“I spotted a foreign body on the x-ray and removed it from his colon with forceps under a local anaesthetic

“I knew immediately that it was a piece of The True Cross because a blinding light suddenly flooded the consulting room and I could see a number of cherubim and seraphim floating around above us.

“I immediately called The British Museum and they sent a man round who verified its authenticity almost straight away.

“I’m now hoping to sell it to The Vatican and take the wife off on a cruise around the Greek islands for a couple of weeks”

This remarkable discovery comes just 2 months after a thread from The Virgin Mary’s dressing gown was found during a routine endoscopy examination down the penis of a 25-year-old bricklayer from Shadwell.

If you’ve been affected by any of the events in the above piece you are either Jesus or you have a religious artefact inside your body. In either event, you should go to The Vatican immediately as there could well be a few quid in it for you – Ed.

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