The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

Danny Sparko:Whitechapel’s Heavyweight Consumer Champion


danny sparko meme


Dear Danny

My only son is turning 18 this month, and to celebrate, we’re planning a big party at our house. The arrangements had all gone fairly well, until this week when I was badly let down by our local priest who had promised to let us have some old discarded pews belonging to the church, to seat some of the guests. However, when I rang last night to arrange a time to collect them, the priest told me that he’d sold them to somebody else who had come in at the last minute with a higher bid. Now I’m at my wits end as we have over 200 guests due to arrive and I’m worried that people will have nowhere to sit when we have the garden buffet. Any help or advice you can give would be most welcome Danny.

Mary Dell



Dear Mary

I waited for the geezer outside the church after morning mass and stuck one on his jaw as he was walking down the path. The boy went down like a sack of spuds, so I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys while he was on the deck. At this point, a woman from the congregation came steaming over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her it was between me and him and for her to shut it.

I then dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on the bridge of his hooter before following up with a few tasty digs to his solar plexus. This seemed to sicken the geezer big time and he’s hit the deck again. I could see he’d had enough by this time so I stamped on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread and left him laying there.

I then dived into the church and had it on my toes with the collection box and a couple of gold crosses that I found laying on the altar. I’ll knock these out to a geezer I know with a smelter later on and send you any dosh I make after expenses. I’ve asked a couple of geezers from the firm to shoot over to the church later and unscrew some of the pews and deliver ’em to your gaff some time tomorrow, so you should be nicely sorted for the kid’s birthday scrimmage. Is that alright love?

If there’s anything else I can help you with just ask, ok sweetheart? Hope the bash goes off alright, and if you need a couple of big ole lumps on the door in case it kicks off, I’ll send a couple of the chaps round, ok?

All the very best Treacle

Your Pal


Danny Sparko appears courtesy of the Ruptured Spleen Advisory Board

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