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The Whitechapel Whelk

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clusterfuck

Brexit woman ‘gutted’ as commemorative tea towel disintegrates during first wash

brexit bus

A 54-year-old woman from the north of England has expressed her dismay after the commemorative Brexit tea towel she had bought just days earlier fell to bits in the washing machine during its maiden wash.

Amanda Dann, a housewife and mother of two from Leeds, told the Yorkshire Post newspaper: “I was gutted when my Brexit tea towel fell to bits.

“It was a really nice one too with pictures of Nigel Farage and British bulldogs on it.

“It wasn’t cheap either. I paid fifty pounds for it from an online company called, The White Crusaders.co.uk.

“They told me that half the money would be given to a pressure group dedicated to driving all the blacks into the sea.

“I can only assume it was made abroad. Probably Africa or one of those other EU countries.”

When it was pointed out to Mrs Dann that the product was manufactured in Barnsley she became red in the face and began repeatedly yelling, “You lost, get over it” before collapsing to the floor.

ADVISORY NOTE: If you’re not from London and want to attend the Brexit leaving party scheduled to take place in Parliament Square, here are some directions: Head south towards Oxford and keep going until you come to a big town with a river running through it and a happy, thriving, multicultural populace.

FOOTNOTE: Don’t try to find your way by heading towards the bongs of Big Ben. There ain’t gonna be any.

Post-Brexit Bond Films to Be Much Longer Due to 007 Passport Control Delays

Goldfinger

The makers of the iconic James Bond movies have announced that they will be at least two hours longer in duration due to anticipated delays at passport control whenever the crack secret agent is assigned a mission at an exotic European locale.

A spokesman for Universal Pictures told newsmen: “Due to Britain’s forthcoming self-imposed isolation from the European Union, we now estimate that the movies will be a lot longer than was previously the case.

“We’ve had to factor in Bond being held up at customs by surly and resentful immigration staff, who, no doubt, will really take their time processing his documents.

“There’s also a pretty good chance that more time will be wasted when they take him behind a curtain and shove their fingers up his arse”

Brexit Secretary, Dominic Raab, hit back at the notion last night: “Yes the films may be a bit longer, but at least we’ll have blue passports again. Even if they are being made in France.

“Universal need to believe a bit more and stop talking the country down. Especially as it’s not their country.”

The next Bond blockbuster, Dr Non, is due out in January and features EU Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, as the crazed assassin, Oddjob.

BREXIT UPDATE: Olly Murs: I’ll use my big face to create a hard Irish border

olly meme

 

Pop icon, Olly Murs, yesterday dropped the political bombshell that he’s prepared to use his big face to create a permanent hard border between Northern Ireland and Eire in the event that a ‘no deal’ situation exists post-Brexit.

Murs, whose face measures 510 kilometres from ear to ear, told newsmen: “I’ve always been a staunch leave voter and if we crash out of the negotiations with nothing whatsoever on the table then that’s absolutely fine with me.

“Jacob Rees-Mogg assures us that we have nothing to fear by adopting WTO rules and I have every confidence in him. After all, didn’t he attend Harrow or one of those other posh schools?

The Dance With Me star went on: “If there’s no deal, I will happily block off Northern Ireland from the Republic with my enormous face and remain there until Mr Mogg and the other Brexiteer hardliners come up with something else”

Rees-Mogg welcomed Murs’ initiative last night: “It’s a wonderful gesture from Mr Murs and one that I fully endorse. His massive face could prove invaluable should the EU mafia refuse to see sense. And then there is, of course, the added bonus of him being able to use his gigantic eyes to spot any blacks or illegals trying to sneak in to sponge off the state and steal our jobs”

Ironically, Murs will be following in the footsteps of his great-grandfather, Michael, whose enormous face was used by Adolf Hitler to annexe The Sudentland in 1938.

Olly Murs is managing editor of The Big-Faced Bastard Bugle

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