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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Cockney

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney clangers car

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece featuring little, knitted space creatures, I’d stop putting the methylated spirit on your Corn Flakes if I were you – Ed

KIDDIES KORNER

cockney mr men - Copy

EDITOR’S NOTE: No Cockneys were harmed during the compilation of this funny and totally non-politically correct item. In fact, some of our best friends are Cockneys, including ourselves. Although, having said that, we do have a person from Yorkshire on the staff, but we don’t like to talk about her in polite company. In fact, we only keep her on because she’s really pretty, good at graphics, and makes us laugh when she speaks in a silly accent and talks about ‘washing t’ pots’.

CHILDREN’S CLASSICS

five

The Cockney Five appears courtesy of, The British Diabolical Slags & Saucy Fackin’ Liberty-Takers Children’s Library.

OUT NOW!

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Plus win a 3-day crash course on selling unroadworthy stolen cars from a cut and shut shop underneath the arches in Cable Street.

Just 150 smackers for 12 months and we’re stealing the grub from our dustbin lid’s plates!

Cockney Arseole is part of the Diabolical Liberty Takers Publishing Group ©

Formula 1 to introduce ‘Grid Cockneys’ in 2018 season

 

The-Sweeney-2012-Ray-Winstone-Ben-Drew-Plan-B
Sorted! Two ‘grid cockneys’ pictured last night practising for The Monaco Grand Prix

 

Following their decision to scrap the traditional ‘grid girls’ this season, F1 bosses have announced, that in the 2018 season, cars will line up on the starting grid alongside men who were born within the sound of the bells of St Mary Le Bow church in the City of London.

These ‘grid cockneys’ will still hold umbrellas to shade drivers as they sit in the cockpit, but instead of the traditional skimpy clothing that made their predecessors such a colourful and popular spectacle at races throughout the season, the men will wear West Ham football shirts, colourful neckerchiefs, Levi Sta-Prest trousers and trilby hats.

Formula 1 CEO, Chase Carey, welcomed the move last night: “We think it’s a great idea. These chirpy London lads will be a colourful addition to the grid, and as long as they don’t start selling stolen watches to the drivers or scrapping with each other in the paddock, we believe they’ll be a welcome replacement for the girls, who, in all fairness, were a bit old hat and were coming in for some hammer from the feminist movement for having their arses and bangers on display”

It is understood that men from the city of Liverpool were also considered, but bosses decided that ‘Grid Scousers’ were far too likely to steal the cars’ wheels in the pit lane and leave them up on bricks.

“Knees Up Mother Brown” to Replace National Anthem at Sporting Events

 

 

In a surprise move, the government, in conjunction with The Royal Family, have decided to ditch God Save The Queen at future sporting events and replace it with the cockney anthem: “Knees Up Mother Brown”

It is thought that the government, and indeed, The Queen herself, have long been of the opinion that the present national anthem is a bit of a dirge that fails to instil enthusiasm into Britain’s sporting competitors and that a more lively and upbeat anthem was called for.

It’s understood that Her Majesty and members of The Royal Family have already been hard at work practicing the leg-pumping dancing that accompanies the famous old tune – apart from The Duke of Edinburgh who just plays the piano due to arthritis in both hips.

Parliament welcomed the news yesterday, with Prime Minister, David Cameron, calling the decision “blinding.” Leader of The Opposition, Jeremy Corbyn, was opposed to the move however, and was met with a chorus of boos from both sides of The House when he described the song as an incitement to violence; citing the line: “If I catch you bending I’ll saw your legs right off” as directly encouraging knife crime and cynically excluding disabled people who already have no legs.

There was raucous laughter in The House when a Labour Party backbencher shot him in the back of the neck with an air pistol and Chancellor, George Osborne, vaulted across the table and kicked him up the arse.

All eyes will now be on Corbyn at this weekend’s rugby international between England and France in Paris. Failure to join in the singing and leg-pumping will be seen as yet another snub for the monarchy from the disheveled leftie  and further evidence that he’s unfit for office.

from our political and jellied eels correspondent

 

 

 

 

 

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