The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Endangered white rhino now totally extinct in Whitechapel

Dorset Street in Whitechapel pictured last night with no white rhinos in it

The World Wildlife Fund announced last night that the critically endangered white rhino is now totally extinct in the Whitechapel area.

A spokesman for the organisation told The National Geographic Society: “No white rhinos have been spotted in Whitechapel for over two weeks.

“It is therefore with great sadness that we must assume that they are now extinct in the region.

“Hunting is probably the main cause, although the creatures’ favourite feeding areas around the bins at the back of pie and mash shops have been decimated by recent closures due to a pre-Brexit mash shortage.”

This news comes hot on the heels of the announcement by The Zoological Society in London, that the extremely rare, Sumatran elephant, is almost extinct in the neighbouring district of Cripplegate, with only 2 breeding pairs left in the swing park just off Bygrove Street.

David Attenborough to be kept in cotton wool-lined matchbox until 2016 is over


Sir David pictured with a nice-looking bird last night


As yet another national treasure passes away; this time, actor Andrew Sachs, who died last week aged 86, the government have decided to place the country’s much-loved naturalist, Sir David Attenborough, in a cotton wool-lined matchbox, where he will remain until the ill-fated year of 2016 has passed.

A Home Office spokesman told a press conference yesterday. “Following the passing of Andrew Sachs, the government realises that swift action needs to be taken if we are to prevent yet another much-loved icon being taken from us in this tragic year for celebs.

“We have therefore decided that Sir David Attenborough will be caught in a large butterfly net at some point tomorrow and then placed in a giant cotton wool-lined Swan Vesta box until January 1, 2017.

“We will put some lettuce leaves in with him and a number of holes will be drilled in the top of the box so that he can breathe.

Every other day, a civil servant will open the box slightly and give him a prod with a stick to make sure he’s still alive and hasn’t shrivelled up and turned black”

This latest move comes hot on the heels of a proposal by The Labour Party to put actor, Brian Blessed, in a giant bell jar with some twigs to climb up, which will be specially soundproofed so that nobody will be able to hear him bellowing.

It is understood that the government has no plans to implement similar measures for either, UKIP leader, Nigel Farage or right-wing media personality, Katy Hopkins.

Author’s note: This skit also appeared in the satirical magazine, News Thump, where it received a lot more hits than it will on here. About 20,000 more to be precise. You should check them out if you haven’t already. There’s some pretty funny shit to be had there, apart from when they run our stuff, of course 😀

Here’s a linkypoo:

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