Dear Tinfoil Twat
I’m extremely concerned about the forthcoming Trump presidency. I’m a married father of two youngsters and I have genuine fears for their future knowing that an unstable character like Trump will shortly have access to the nuclear codes. I’d love to hear your take on this, Mr Twat, as I’m feeling really unsettled and pretty scared for my little ones right now.
You and your loved ones can rest easy in your beds I’m happy to say, my friend.
Let me assure you that you have absolutely nothing to fear from Mr Trump, nor indeed, from the good men and true with whom he has surrounded himself.
You see, the thing is, all American presidents are controlled by mind-altering rays which come from a spaceship and always have been. Even Abraham Lincoln and Jimmy Carter were.
The aliens on board the ship control them and tell them what to say. A bit like the puppets on Thunderbirds, if you will.
These aliens are essentially a force for good and will make sure that Mr Trump doesn’t go nuclear and turn us all into negatives. However, I don’t know if they’ll be able to prevent the Mexicans and the gays from getting some hammer over the next four years
It was those same aliens who shot JFK, although they didn’t do it from a grassy knoll, they did it from space. Some people even think they shot Princess Di, but as far as I’m concerned that’s crazy talk. We all know The Queen Mother shot her from the pillion seat of a speeding motorcycle after a few gin and limes in a nearby 4-ale bar.
I should also like to reassure you that all these stories about Mr Trump getting weed on by bad ladies in Russia were all lies. They weren’t Russian ladies, they were from the Planet Icke and were in the pay of Mrs Obama who wanted to make him look like a depraved sleazebag so that she could take over and declare herself King of America.
I know all this because the Israelis and The Queen told me. Although they’re from space too and have access to all the money in the world. I learned that from http://www.looneytoons.org and Russia Today, so it’s definitely true.
I hope this sets your mind at rest Toby and that you and your young family have a carefree life – until next week that is, when Mr Obama will fight to cling to power by starting an intergalactic war with Mr Putin and the spacemen, during which we will all be killed.
All the very best for the future my friend
22 Conspiracy Street
NotQuiteTheFullShilling Trading Estate
Tinfoil Twat is the editor-in-chief of The Howling At The Moon Herald