Earth will be bombarded with killer cheese particles following rocket debris strike, says David Icke

Icke (pictured left) with friends last night

Prominent conspiracy theorist, David Icke, last night issued a warning that Earth will be totally destroyed by falling cheese debris when a rocket particle collides with the Moon at around midday GMT today as astrologists are predicting

Icke, speaking from his cellar in Broadstairs told local newsmen: ‘Massive cheese meteors from the moon are going to kill you all within hours.

‘Only myself and my followers will survive the cheesy debris strikes.

‘I’m going to write a book about it afterwards and make shedloads of money from the proceeds which I will spend on grog and cleaning up the remains of the cheese from the world’s towns and cities.

‘Believe in me or you are all doomed to be killed by Cheddar and Roquefort fragments, the size of which, the world has never seen’

Icke, who was recently heard on television, reasserting his claim that The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard, came under fire recently for barking at screen depictions of the Moon during a screening of Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, at his local cinema.

COVID UPDATE: ‘Desperate’ World Health Boffins Turn to Know-Nothing WordPress Ponce

The beleaguered World Health Organisation have sought advice on battling the covid-19 health emergency from an opinionated, know-nothing ponce with a WordPress blog who regularly regales his meagre readership with unsubstantiated tripe about vaccine efficacy, anti-lockdown initiatives and the role of Bill Gates in turning vaccinated people into magnetised automatons with the capability to pick up Bluetooth.

A WHO spokesman told newsmen last night: “We are extremely concerned by the various strains of coronavirus that seem to be mutating into ever-more virulent manifestations.

“With our scientists at a loss and our medical experts at their lowest ebb, we have decided to ask for help from a feeble-minded, conspiracy fucknut from WordPress.

“Hopefully, he’ll be able to put us straight on the futility of deploying a vaccine programme worldwide and steer us onto a more clear-headed path that probably involves Tom Hanks, Covid-19 5G transmitters and mass bleach-drinking rallies across the globe.”

This latest volte-face comes just a week after Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, issued a directive, urging Brits to push homoeopathic capsules containing grass cuttings up each other’s bottoms if they start losing their sense of taste and smell as previously suggested by somebody’s Aunty Beryl on Facebook.

EDITOR’S NOTE: Vaccine sceptics. Take the vaccine, behave in a sensible and responsible manner towards others and shut the fuck up.

40-year-old local woman who featured in toilet support ad found hanged

A 40-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged at her home in Commercial Street last week just days after she featured in a Betterware catalogue advertisement for an aid for people who struggle to get on and off the toilet.

Tracy Dell, a part-time model who has previously appeared in a number of ads for the magazine, which features handy household gadgets and cleaning products, is believed to have taken her own life during a bout of depression which her husband believes was brought on by her being asked to advertise a product for the elderly.

Toby Dell, 42, told us: “Tracy was gutted when she was asked to do the ad.

“She had to sit on the toilet with this handrail next to it which is designed so that old grunters can heave themselves off the bog after a dump.

“She’s had to advertise some pretty dodgy stuff before, like incontinence pads and facial hair removing cream but this one really got to her in my view.”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 33-year-old man from Stepney threw himself to his death from Battersea Bridge after featuring in a local newspaper ad aimed at men suffering from erectile dysfunction.

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NEXT WEEK: Alexa psychologically scars a teen boy after his request for the weather forecast for the week ahead results in “spotty little twat” jibe.

I’ll kick The Queen’s head in if she flees London post-Brexit says, Kim Kardashian

A clearly furious Kardashian pictured earlier

Following recent press rumours, media personality, Kim Kardashian, has vowed to “kick the Queen’s fucking head in” if she evacuates the capital in the event of civil unrest following a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, the Keeping Up With The Kardashians star, explained.

“If I find out The Queen has abandoned her loyal subjects during post-Brexit riots, you can stand on me that I will find her in her royal bolthole and kick her fucking head in”

This is not the first time the controversial star has threatened a leading British public figure.

In 2018, she told Hello magazine that if TV personality, Piers Morgan didn’t stop being such an irritating twat on his morning show she was going to “knee him right in the Niagras”

Local ‘woo woo’ drowned in bath of own urine court told

A coroner’s court was told yesterday, that a 35-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned in a bath filled with her own urine in January of this year.

Tracy Dell, unemployed, was believed to have been attempting to self-medicate by immersing herself in the urine which she had been storing in jam jars for the previous 6-months.

The court heard that Ms Dell was a committed anti-vaccination activist who was a firm believer in natural remedies and in the body’s power to heal itself through the application and consumption of human waste.

Her landlord, Carter Tobias, 57, told the court: “She was a fully paid-up woo woo in my opinion. I once caught her eating a sh*t sandwich and washing it down with a big glass of piss.

“When I asked her what she was doing she told me that she was trying to clear up a number of infected boils on her chest”

The coroner returned a verdict of death by misadventure and abject fuckwittery.

If you think this piece is a tad far-fetched, simply follow a Facebook page with the rather ponderous but wholly descriptive title of, Detox, Anti-Vax and Woo Insanity. You will be both highly amused and utterly horrified in equal measure by the sheer, weapons-grade stupidity of the rather odd collection of individuals these guys shine the spotlight on. – Ed

Final Dead Sea Scroll foretold the coming of Honey Boo Boo

 

Boo Boo pictured in jubilant mood last night after being told of her inclusion in The Dead Sea Scrolls

 

One of the last remaining obscure parts of the Dead Sea Scrolls has finally been deciphered by researchers in Israel.

Along with descriptions of a number of ancient seasonal rites, the scroll reveals that scribes in the 4th century BC prophesied the coming of American TV sensation Honey Boo Boo to our screens.

Israeli scholars at Haifa University painstakingly put together over 600 tiny fragments in order to finally decipher the ancient script.

Team leader, Professor Tobias Dellstein, told newsmen last night: “The final scroll contains details of seasonal celebrations performed by ancient Hebrew tribes and also accurately forecasts the appearance of Honey Boo Boo and her family on American TV shortly after the turn of the 21st century.”

Last year, Egyptologists at Cairo University revealed that hieroglyphics inside the sarcophagus of Tutankhamen contained warnings of the birth of Donald Trump and foretold the untimely death of Grizzly Adams in 2016.

Conspiracy theorists make the best lovers claims report

According to a report out yesterday, men who subscribe to wild and wholly unsubstantiated lunatic theories are really good in bed.

The report also claims, that the more swivel-eyed the theorist, the greater their staying power and performance in the sack.

We spoke to one young woman from Whitechapel in East London, Tracy Dell, 19, who told us: “I had always promised myself that I was going to remain a virgin until my wedding night, but one evening I spotted a Facebook post from a bloke on my friend’s timeline, expounding the theory that George W Bush was having cyber sex with Sadaam Hussein right throughout the 2nd Gulf War and that they were regularly exchanging dick pics right up to the time when Baghdad was captured by coalition troops .

“I knew at once that he was the one and that I had to make him mine, so I put on some really skimpy togs and went round to his bedsit to introduce myself

“While we were having a cup of tea he told me that Barak Obama is the result of a torrid affair between The Queen and “Smokin” Joe Frazier, at which point I threw caution to the wind and stripped naked in readiness for the off.

The next thing I knew, we were rolling around naked in front of his paraffin heater. It seemed like the most natural thing in the world”

The report, compiled by, “The Delusional Dullard Monthly”, claims that 99 percent of women prefer a conspiracy theorist lover, while the remaining 1 percent are members of Barbara Streisand’s Lizard Army and are too busy controlling the minds of world leaders to have much time left over for a bunk-up.

If you think you may be a conspiracy theorist, take a soluble aspirin and go and have a nice lie-down for a bit, safe in the knowledge that everybody with a functioning intellect thinks you’re a nob.

Tinfoil Twat: The Swivel-Eyed Conspiracy Theorist The Aliens Are Out To Get

Dear Tinfoil Twat

Now that Mr Obama has left office and Mr Trump is president, will all this bombing of other countries that I’ve read about on the internet stop?

Only yesterday, I read on one of my favourite websites that Mr Obama bombed England just before Christmas, which is why we never hear from Princess Diana these days.

Please set my mind at ease if you can Mr Twat as I’m dreadfully worried and it’s beginning to affect my  porn site-surfing. Even my mum’s noticed and has knitted me another string vest.

Regards

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

*************************

Dear Toby

I’d like to be able to reassure you but I’m afraid the news is not good my  friend.

Mr Obama may have left office but his bombing goes on unabated. For you see, he has bought himself an old B52 bomber with the money he was given by the Jewish people who run the world and now goes out on nightly bombing missions with his wife and bomb-aimer/navigator, Michelle by his side.

Together, they have now bombed every country in the world except The Isle of Wight which is too small for Mrs Obama to spot from her bomb-aiming cockpit.

Luckily, Mr Trump is on to them both and has now banned them from entering America until he finds out what the hell is going on.

I hope this sets your mind at rest Toby

Your friend and confidante

Tinfoil Twat

Tinfoil Twat is not particularly loosely-based on some of the 22 carat dingbats and slack-brained conspiracy cadets we occasionally observe on Facebook and elsewhere. *wibble*