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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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consumer rights

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those posh department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, princess

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two lovely little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you, princess, so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those Harry Dash department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, my lovely

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1

**************************

Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Boxing Council Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with two young children aged 2 and 4. During this hot spell of weather I bought a small inflatable paddling pool so that the little ones could cool down and have some fun in the water.

Unfortunately, when I got it home I discovered it had a hole in it so I took it back to the shop to ask for a replacement.

The manager was really rude and accused me of puncturing it myself through careless handling. I became really upset by this and started crying.

Please help if you can Danny as I’m struggling financially and simply can’t afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you so much.

Tracy Dell

Commercial Road

Whitechapel


 

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and asked to see the manager. When he came out of his office, I stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose

I then went to work downstairs, landing some really meaty body shots which sent him to the deck like a sack of spuds

Next, I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys and finished the job by stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

One of the girl shop assistants then started begging me to leave him alone, saying that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

I then took his wallet from his jacket and took all the wedge out. There was over 200 sovs in there which I’m sending to you so you can buy the saucepan lids a decent pool. One of those ones with solid sides would probably be favourite.

All the very best sweetheart, and if you get any more grief from this slippery mug just let me know and I’ll dive round there again and give him another straightener.

All the very best, princess

Your pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is Head Doorman and Features Editor of The Grievous Bodily Gazette

Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

 

 

danny sparko meme

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 20-year-old female who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts.

At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to ‘like’ and comment on my blog.

However, over the last few months, I’ve been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions. I’ve told him that I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend and not interested in his advances, but he won’t take no for an answer and continues with his unwanted attentions.

Please help if you can Danny as it’s making me ill. I’ve become reclusive and my family and friends keep asking me if everything’s alright.

Jade Shay

London

*********************

Dear Jade

I traced this sleazy arseole through the IP address you provided and went round his house last night.

As soon as he opened the door I’ve straightened him with a peach of a right-hander. He went down like a sack of spuds so I followed up with a few toe-enders around the kidneys to sharpen him up a bit. Then, I’ve dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose.

At this point his old woman came out, shouting the odds and telling me to leave it out. But I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

To be honest, the geezer was in absolute shit state by now and looked as if he’d had enough – I even felt a bit sorry for him – so I stamped on his face a few times with me steel-toe-capped Doc Martens, giving his dial the old 5-millimetre tread.

On the way back down his drive, I sliced through one of his car’s brake pipes in case he tried to drive himself to hospital.

Anyway, Jade, I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this mug anytime soon love.

All the very best for the future sweetheart

Your pal

Danny.

Whitechapel E1

Disclaimer: Danny Sparko is a fictitious character and, in no way, shape, or form, reflects the opinion of the author on how these sparkling internet heroes should be dealt with. Nor indeed, the type of swift and effective home-grown justice that would be meted out if he were given half a chance. This disclaimer was brought to you courtesy of Danny Soz, Chairman of  The London Board Of Grievous Bodily Control.

The Whitechapel Mint Proudly Present: The Gropematic Buttock-Fondling Device For The 21st Century

 

gropematic
A Gropematic pictured fondling some bloke’s arse last night

 

 

Do you sometimes feel that you’re missing out on the clandestine, furtive sexual abuse that takes place on public transport?  Has your bottom become a fondle-free zone, leaving you feeling unwanted and unattractive, even to the most unpleasant sexual pervert?

Then we at The Whitechapel Mint have just the thing to put an end to your woes. The Gropematic is an ingenious little device that clamps almost invisibly to your arse and will give your buttocks that surreptitious pawing that you crave so much. Whether on the bus, the tube, or the train, you can simulate the unwanted attentions of a drooling, middle-aged sex offender at the push of a button.

Each Gropematic is lovingly bolted together by Romanian orphans and is fashioned from the very finest bits of plastic and pig iron. Every device comes with our unbeatable guarantee that if you complain just once about the build quality, or the fact that it hasn’t arrived after 6 months, one of our highly-trained East London enforcers will come direct to your home to ensure that you will no longer be in any fit state to continue with your whining.

TESTIMONIALS: 

“I used to dread going on public transport because of the complete lack of unwanted attention by perverts. Now, thanks to my Gropematic, my arse is very nearly red raw by the time I get to the office. Thanks Gropematic!” – MrFelix Todd, Plaistow.

“Due to the fact that I used to remain largely unmolested on my journey to work, I almost took my own life. The Gropematic has changed all that, and now, thanks to the constant pawing I give my arse while standing up on the bus, I have begun to feel good about myself again. I even use mine when I’m doing the ironing or washing the pots so that I can pretend to have an amorous partner. I’ve ordered another one to go on my tits” – Madge Lewd, Shoreditch.

To get your Gropematic in time for Xmas, send a banker’s draft or hard cash to the tune of £34,457.89. to:

The Whitechapel Mint

The Marquis of Granby

Wapping Docks

Disclaimer: I’m as thick as shit and don’t realise that my Gropematic will never arrive, either by return of post, nor indeed, at any time in the future. I’m unfamiliar with the Consumer Rights Act and I’m not a professional boxer or shotgun licence holder.

Signed...

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Boxing Council Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

 

Dear Danny

I’m a 75-year-old widow living alone in a small 2 bedroom house in Spitalfields, East London. Normally, my heating bill is around £30.00 a month, as I try to keep the gas fire off as much as possible. Then, last week, Npower sent me a bill for £97.39, telling me that the wholesale price of gas had risen and that I’d have to get used to paying a bit extra each month.

Please help me if you can Danny as I’m on a state pension and just can’t afford to pay the amount of money they want from me. I’m almost at my wit’s end with worry over this.

Thank you ever so much dear.

Ivy Stapleton

London E1

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Dear Ivy

I’ve gone round to Npower’s head office a bit earlier and given one or two of the robbing toerags a good clumping. First up, I’ve grabbed the geezer on reception by his tie and smashed his head on the desk a few times. Before I could turn round, I got grabbed from behind by a couple of security. I wasn’t going to let a couple of mug straight-goers like that take liberties though, and I stuck the nut on the biggest one and then kneed the little geezer in the Niagras. They’ve both gone down like sacks of spuds so I’ve pulled me blade out, dragged their strides down and striped em both across the ‘arris.

Next up, I’ve jumped in the lift and gone steaming into the Area Manager’s office and chinned the boy with a peach of a right cross. As soon as he’s hit the deck I’ve stamped on his swede, putting the old millimetre tread on his dial. After laying the boot into his kidneys a few times I’ve gone through his pockets and had it on me toes with his wallet and credit cards. He had over a monkey in cash in the wallet which is now on its way to you sweetheart.

Then, on the way out, I’ve pulled out me bat and given a few milky-looking arseoles in the sales office one or two lively ones across the kneecaps for good measure.

All the very best to you Ivy, and if you have any further problems with this one please don’t hesitate to let me know.

Your Pal

Danny.

Danny Sparko appears courtesy of: The Ruptured Spleen Tribune.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Boxing Council Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

 

Dear Danny

I recently purchased a nice new cardigan for my husband from Marks & Spencer’s. He’s quite elderly and  is due to go into hospital shortly for a rather serious operation so I thought I’d give him a little treat. However, when he tried it on it was a bit long in the arms so I took it back to exchange it for a smaller size. The staff weren’t at all helpful and when I asked to speak to the manager he told me the garment had been soiled and refused  to help.

I wonder if you could help me with this one Danny as we’re both old age pensioners and can ill afford to lose money like this. Thank you ever so much dear.

Dorothy Larkin

Whitechapel E1

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Dear Dorothy

I’ve gone round to the shop and asked to speak to the manager. As soon as he came over I landed a right-hander on his chin which knocked him spark out. I don’t know if it was Mark or Spencer I straightened but he won’t be giving any more old people a load of  diabolical old toot for quite some time, stand on me love!.

I’ve then spotted his mate hiding behind the counter so I’ve steamed over and shoed the mug right in the kidneys. He’s gone done like a good un so I’ve pulled him to his feet and clumped him round the swede with a couple of  left and right hooks until he’s gone down again like a sack of spuds.

At this point, one of the shop girls came over, begging me to leave him alone, but I’ve told her to leave it out and that it was just between me and him.

I’ve then pulled out me Stanley blade, yanked his strides down and given him a few stripes across both cheeks of his arse to remember me by. At the end of the day Dorothy, you can’t let these people ride roughshod over your consumer rights sweetheart.

If you get any more grief from these slippery arseoles, or indeed anyone else in the retail trade for that matter, don’t hesitate to get in touch.

All the very best Treacle

Danny.

Danny Sparko is editor-in-chief of Grievous Bodily Retail Monthly

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