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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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coronavirus

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

lego-spare-parts-brick-2x4-red (1)

Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

Homeopaths told: You’ve had your fun but now it’s time to start saving lives

Meadowmat Traditional Meadow Wildflower Turf, Multi-Colour, 5 m² ...

Some homeopathic medicine pictured last night

The scientific community has appealed to all practitioners of homoeopathy to stop sitting on their hands and to come to the aid of the fight against the deadly, covid-19 virus.

A spokesman for the World Scientific Council told newsmen last night: “This coronavirus situation is becoming pretty serious and we now believe it’s time for the big boys to step up to the plate before we end up with a global disaster on our hands

“We realise that homoeopaths have been sitting back and enjoying watching us struggle, safe in the knowledge that they can step forward at any point and put the whole thing to bed by giving us all some grass juice to drink or something along those lines.

“However, the scientific and medical community feel that it’s now time to put aside petty rivalries for the good of mankind.

“We are therefore appealing to all homeopaths to come forward and bail us out of this mess asap”

The Association of Homoeopaths responded in a written statement last night “We freely admit to having enjoyed watching all those so-called medical experts failing miserably to save mankind with their futile searches for testing kits, and potentially-deadly, vaccines.

“However, we do accept that the death toll is getting a little bit naughty and realise it’s our duty to step into the breach”

The first homoeopathic remedy, Icke’s Vapour Rub, will go on sale at £70 per-50-centilitre bottle later on today at a number of health food outlets, with a strict, one bottle per-sucker limit in place until everybody’s feeling better.

Putin’s daughter turns into manatee following covid vaccine trial

manatee1
Yekaterina poses for snappers at her holiday home

In a major setback to the much-vaunted, nationwide rolling out of a coronavirus vaccine in Russia, it has been reported that the daughter of President Vladimir Putin, Yekaterina, who took part in the trial programme for the so-called, Sputnik-5 vaccine, has become a manatee.

A spokesman for the Kremlin told Russian media: “While it is true that President Putin’s daughter has now become a manatee it is unclear if the coronavirus vaccine was a factor.

“Admittedly, some of the other people involved in the trial programme have also turned into large, marine mammals but that could be sheer coincidence and anti-Russian, western speculation”

It is believed that Putin’s daughter was found drifting around in the pool at the President’s holiday home on the coast of Georgia on Tuesday evening and was identified by her, ‘Vlad’s My Dad’ knickers.

Our 25-minute sunshine break was ‘super worth it’ say local halfwits

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Plucky Brits. Toby and Tracy pictured putting their disappointment to one side at Gatwick airport last night.

A 23-year-old man and his 19-year-old girlfriend who were forced to return from their eagerly-awaited holiday in Magaluf in Spain after just 25-minutes due to the latest coronavirus spike have hailed the break a huge success despite spending less than half an hour in the resort.

Toby Dell, a Whitechapel forklift truck driver who travelled with his beautician girlfriend, Tracy Carter, told us: “It was a blow when the airline told us to get the first available flight back because they were cancelling our return flight, but we had a brilliant twenty-five minutes and it was super-worth the money.

“When we got to the hotel we found that our room was filthy dirty and was running alive with cockroaches but the staff on the desk couldn’t have been more helpful and told us they’d find us another room in one of their other hotels in a different resort as soon as they got round to it.

“We got unpacked and found out how to turn the telly on so we were all set for a fantastic time.

“Then we got a text telling us to go back to the airport a bit lively or we’d have to make our own arrangements.

“It was a bit disappointing, but we did have a great time while we there and will definitely be going back next year.

Ms Carter was equally pleased with the £1500 break. “We had a great laugh at the airport after we landed and met some lovely peeps from Sheffield in the queue at security and we’ll deffo be keeping in touch. It’s what holidays are all about really. Meeting new people and that.

“I did get a bit burnt waiting for the taxi outside the airport and my shoulders have started peeling a bit but I’m not the first person to have overdone it on the first day and I don’t suppose I’ll be the last”, she laughed.

“I’m slightly cheesed off that we missed out on the hotel BBQ and the bar crawl that first night, but on the bright side, the transfer coach was only half an hour late picking us up and we did manage to grab a bottle of gin from the supermarket so we were well pissed-up by the time we got on the plane home. I’ll be going back, definitely”

In other related news, a 25-year-old woman from Fulham in West London has revealed that she contracted VD while on a two-week break in Lloret Del Mar despite the fact that, due to a covid scare, her flight had to turn round and return to Manchester airport when it was only halfway across the English Channel.

Coronavirus Guidelines: An Update From The PM

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson Portrait

Good afternoon everybody

If you can get your face waxed by a beautician, do it from home. If you can’t get it waxed, do it safely on the tube, remembering to stay one metre-plus from any sheltering or vulnerable beauticians.

If you can work, don’t work, similarly, if you can’t work, work from a waxing salon but don’t wear a face covering, unless you’re on the tube and you have underlying wax issues.

Coronavirus will all be over by Christmas, but if it isn’t and more people require emergency waxing or shelter on the tube, I won’t hesitate to impose another lockdown, with no tube travel, no Christmas, and no waxing safely from home, unless you’re a vulnerable, sheltering tube driver with a hairy face.

We’re all in this together, especially when we’re waxing our tubes or sheltering our faces on the buses and tubes.

If you are sheltering, don’t shelter, just go to work on the tube and keep 1-metre-plus from any self-isolating vulnerable wax drivers, especially on the bus at Christmas.

Remember. Save wax. Stay out of the NHS. Protect the virus.

Now, I’ll take a few questions from vulnerable members of the press about safe waxing on Christmas Eve and the government’s plans to build five thousand sheltering salons for locked down beauticians during an NHS tube delay caused by wax on the line at Charing Cross on Boxing Day after we’ve all been in it together along with a few self-isolating NHS tube drivers…

LIFE UNDER LOCKDOWN

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EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re from foreign parts and haven’t a clue who Jacob Rees Mogg is, take our word for it that he’s an English toff and politician who is also a complete anachronistic ponce…Oh, and Waitrose is a supermarket for people who have got a few quid. I expect it’s a bit like Walmart but with people wearing top hats and tails in it.

Coronavirus: Britain’s thick elderly irritants hit by government’s no-cruise directive

white cruise ship on blue body of water during daytime

 

It has been estimated that over ten thousand irritating people of below-average intelligence aged 50 and above have been left disappointed by the government’s failure to allow cruise ship holidays to take place this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic.

Many of those affected have expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity of living cooped up like cattle on a floating retirement home, spending their days traipsing morosely round and round the upper deck, stopping only to cram appallingly-cooked meals down their necks and washing them down with watered-down lager or exotically-named cocktails made from orange squash and shoe reconditioner.

A government spokesman said last night: “While we realise that the ban will be disappointing for many we have to consider the risk to the health of both passengers and crew.

“We have taken our decision based on the fact that cruise enthusiasts are mostly elderly and overweight irritating dullards, whose idea of relaxation is spending six weeks in a room smaller than the average solitary confinement cell, stuffing their faces, vomiting over the side rail, and heaving their bloated bodies around the dancefloor to teeth-grindingly out-of-tune crooners accompanied by truly atrocious swing bands in the evenings”.

The news was tempered, however, by yesterdays announcement that Britain’s mentally sub-normal youngsters will still be able to fly to Torremolinos for their customary bouts of alcoholic poisoning, venereal disease, imprisonment, and fatal balcony falls.

INSIDE POLITICS: Covid-19 Update

boris-johnson-and-dominic-cummings

Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are currently appearing in the hilarious farce, No Diseases Please We’re British, at the York Hall, Bethnal Green.

Editor’s Note: If any foreign people are reading this errant nonsense in the press about the UK being the worst country for covid-19 deaths per million of the population, I urge you to dismiss it all as a tissue of leftie lies. We are, after all, the country where Nelson was born and where blue passports will soon be carried by every staunch Britisher. No virus would dare to infect this blessed plot. Oh dear me no. That’s right out, that is!

PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

 

PC Ted (New)

Evening all

Policing a diverse, sprawling city like London is often a very challenging and even hazardous business for a Met Police copper, particularly during these unprecedented times.

So when my team received a shout that a group of around fifty, anti-lockdown merchants were staging a group ‘hug-in’ in Hyde Park in direct contravention of lockdown directives we realised at once that we were going to be in for a tough time dealing with these unhinged chumps

When we arrived on the scene, a rowdy demo was already underway with banner-waving protestors shouting about 5G death rays causing covid-19 while milling around in close proximity to one another in clear breach of the social-distancing guidelines.

Realising that time was of the essence and that our beloved National Health Service was being put at risk by these clowns, we began wading in with our batons.

Taking absolutely no chances with public safety, we beat the absolute crap out of them before tossing them into the Serpentine to drown.

All-in-all, it was a highly successful operation and I celebrated on the way home after my shift by joining a lock-in at a boozer in Victoria Street with about twenty others where I drank around twelve pints of heavy before spewing my ring up over the barmaid.

I was later found sprawled in a shop doorway in a pool of sick and with my heavily-soiled trousers round my ankles by two colleagues from Ebury Street nick who took me down the cells where they hosed me down with freezing cold water and stole my wallet.

PC Ted is vice-chairman of the Metropolitan Liver Disease and Projectile Vomiting Appreciation Society

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