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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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covid

Quarantined local man set to recreate going to football match in own home

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man who will be unable to attend a football match this evening due to quarantine restrictions has told The Whelk that he intends to replicate the experience of watching the game, using his own home as the venue, while his back garden will be utilised to recreate travelling to the event.

Toby Dell, a diesel-fitter from Leman Street, told us: “I was gutted when I tested positive for covid on Sunday because I knew I’d be in breach of the quarantine rules if I went to the West Ham v Norwich match tonight.

‘However, I’ve decided to do the next-best thing by creating the whole experience at home.

‘At around 5.00 pm, I’ll go out to the shed to replicate going to the pub for a pre-match booze-up by drinking cans of lager until I can barely stand.

‘I shall then recreate the walk to the ground by doing circuits of the back garden for about half an hour.

‘I’ll get the missus to bring me out a takeaway kebab at some point as I always like a bit of scoff on the way to the match to soak up the ale.

‘Then, after urinating up the garden fence to faithfully replicate my pre-match Jimmy Riddle in public, I’ll show my ticket to the missus at the back door before going in to watch the game on the telly.

‘At half-time, I’ll steam into a few more cans of lager that I’ve smuggled in past the kids, who will be dressed in hi-viz jackets and acting as stewards.

‘After the match, I’ll go back into the garden for the dummy walk home, and if The Hammers have lost, I’ll jump the fence into next-door’s garden and beat seven shades of shit out of the bloke who lives there to recreate a spot of post-match soccer hooliganism.

‘Finally, it’ll be back indoors for a few cold sharpeners from the fridge before settling down to watch the highlights on Match Of The Day.

‘Unless, of course, we’ve lost, in which case I’ll go straight to bed without a word of greeting to the family with a face like a smacked arse.’

Mr Dell’s replication of a sporting event comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Shoreditch pretended to be present at The Masters Snooker Championship by putting the event on TV and then falling asleep for six hours.

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Syrian villagers send sympathy message to Brits unable to go on holiday.

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A Bermondsey man comforts a distraught neighbour who has just learned that Torremolinos has been moved into the red zone.

A remote village in war-torn Syria has sent a message of support and sympathy to the people of Great Britain who find themselves unable to enjoy a fortnight’s holiday on a sunny beach this year due to the covid-19 health emergency.

Asawi al Hab, a small village on the border with Lebanon, has been shelled and attacked by government forces, backed by Russian airpower, five times during the last six months, killing or injuring more than half of the population.

Speaking to our foreign correspondent, a doctor in a local hospital, said: “It’s been pretty terrible here for a number of years now.

“Until fairly recently, we were under the brutal rule of Islamic State, and then after they were driven out, our own government started bombing us. It’s hard to say what was worse really.

“So when we heard through the BBC World Service that a number of British people wouldn’t be able to jet off to Benidorm and places like that, we couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

“Our mayor has written to the British Foreign Secretary, asking him to put Portugal back in the green zone and for countries like Malta, who have a very low infection rate, to be considered for the green list also.

“We are also offering free accommodation for any Brits who want to spend a week or two in our country.

“Of course, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll be shelled on a daily basis by Assad’s forces or strafed by Russian fighter jets but at least the weather’s good at this time of year and you’ll go home with a healthy tan, if you manage to make it back that is”

A spokesman for The Foreign and Commonwealth Office told us: “We don’t recommend a holiday in Syria at this time, unless you’re pretty elderly or have an underlying health condition which could result in your body being amongst those piled high in the streets during the third wave”

EDITOR’S NOTE: Get a fucking grip you selfish Brit bastards.

COVID UPDATE: Yorkshire variant causes spate of overfamiliarity with strangers and thrift with money

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A suspected Yorkshire covid victim pictured leaving his doctor’s surgery last night

The so-called, Yorkshire variant of covid-19 that has recently emerged in Yorkshire and Humberside, with around 50 cases thus far identified, may have spread to the south of the country, in particular East London, where a number of people have been behaving in an overly familiar manner with complete strangers as well as becoming extremely careful with money – all tell-tale traits of the new variant.

We spoke to one woman from Whitechapel in the heart of London’s East End who suspects that her husband contracted the new strain during a visit to Sheffield in his capacity as a lorry driver.

Tracy Dell, 52, told us: “I first suspected my husband, Toby, has this Yorkshire covid when he started chatting in a friendly manner with complete strangers while we were waiting for the bus.

“He’s now started being really tight with money and keeps shouting, ‘How much?’ when I tell him the price of items I’ve bought in the supermarket.

“I became convinced he’d got it when he started taking an interest in Rugby League and went out and bought a ferret which he puts down his trousers when we’ve got company”

It is understood that another behavioural trait of the new variant is for sufferers to wander into urban farms to feed the animals and examine them for ailments. A practice known as, ‘tendin’ t’ beasts’

Fears are also growing of a so-called Cockney variant which induces criminal behaviour, including; running protection rackets; revenge killing; used car fraud; loud-mouthed shouting in street markets and a voracious appetite for jellied eels.

Local Lion-Tamer Eaten Alive On First Working Day After Furlough

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Happier times. Dell puts Dave through his paces just prior to the second lockdown

A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has been mauled and then eaten by a circus lion that he was attempting to tame in his backyard.

Toby Dell, a lion-tamer for 22 years, had just returned to work after being furloughed during the health crisis by Sofia Dee’s Circus, his employers for the last 10 years.

Dell’s wife, Tracy, 52, who found her husband’s remains, told The Whelk: “Toby was really excited about going back to work after a long lay-off and decided to get some lion-taming practice in with our own pet lion, Dave, who lives in a converted shed in our back garden

“I came home from shopping and found some of Toby’s bones strewn around the yard along with his tunic and boots that Dave must have spat out after eating him.

“I’d forgotten to give Dave his breakfast this morning so it’s probably down to that. I feel a bit guilty now, to be honest.

“Only last week, I told him to pack in the lion-taming and take up a safer profession but he told me he loved his job and would carry on until his dying day.

“Now, those words have come back to bite him in the arse. Quite literally in his case”

Circus-owner and Dell’s employer, Sofia Dee, told us: “I can’t believe he’s gone.

“We’ve been paying twenty per cent of his wages for the last year, not to mention his national insurance contributions.

“I just hope we can claim some of it back from the social security”

Mr Dell’s remains will hopefully be interred at Mile End Cemetary next week, although it largely depends on how soon Dave has a bowel movement.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

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Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

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Boris: We’ll crucify Sir Cliff Richard to end covid hell

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Not at all cross: Sir Cliff poses happily for a Whelk snapper last night

In what is being seen as a controversial move, Boris Johnson last night announced that pop icon, Sir Cliff Richard, will be crucified on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will be appeased by the sacrifice of the devout Christian and will deliver the world from the covid-19 pandemic.

Speaking on BBC 4’s The World At One, Johnson said: “I think I can say with complete confidence that the country and the world as a whole has suffered long enough from this wretched disease.

“The government have therefore decided to crucify Sir Cliff Richard just before midnight on Christmas Eve in the hope that God will appreciate the gesture and put an end to this pestilence once and for all.

“I haven’t spoken to Sir Cliff personally, but the Home Secretary, Priti Patel, called him yesterday morning and he was all for it, apparently.

“He’s a religious cove of course and will probably see it as an honour to suffer on the cross for the good of mankind just as Jesus did back in the day”

We managed to contact Sir Cliff at his holiday home in Vale De Lobo in Portugal, from where the Mistletoe And Wine star told us: “When I was told that I had been chosen to die on the cross I couldn’t have been more delighted.

“I’m in my eighties now so I’ve had a good innings.

I’ve made loads of cash and have received shedloads of adulation from my fans, although, I’ve not had quite as much in the way of pussy as I would have liked.”

Sir Cliff will be nailed to a specially imported, olive wood cross at a Royal Mail depot at Dover before being transported on the back of a lorry to Tower Hill in London where he will be pulled upright and left for a day or two until his spirit ascends into Heaven.

LOCKDOWN LATEST: Thousands of Londoners make desperate, last-minute journeys to wipe out their elderly relatives

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An elderly couple in ebullient mood as their kids’ desperate dash to finish them off begins

Tens of thousands of desperate Londoners made a dash for railway and coach stations on Saturday night as the government’s imposition of strict travel curbs threatened to dash their hopes of killing their elderly relatives over the Christmas period.

While many of the central London travel hubs, such as Victoria Coach Station and St Pancras railway terminal, were overwhelmed by huge crowds – desperately trying to wipe out their parents and grandparents before the midnight deadline for the Tier 4 regulations came into being – large numbers also created huge motorway tailbacks as the race to finish off elderly loved ones reached a fever pitch.

We spoke to one would-be traveller, Toby Dell, 54, from Thrawl Street in Whitechapel, who was on his way by train to kill his 72-year-old widowed mother in Hertfordshire: “The news of travel restrictions came as a hammer blow, to be honest.

“I could see my opportunity of settling my mum’s hash once and for all slipping away and knew that I would have to do everything humanly possible to finally finish her off.

“I’m hoping to get the train to Welwyn Garden City and then walk the rest of the way so that I can spend the entire Christmas period putting her at grave risk before coming back for the New Year to hopefully wipe out my in-laws who are also knocking on a bit.

“I can’t wait to see them all fighting for breath on ventilators, to be honest”

Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, called the exodus ‘irresponsible’ and called for people to ‘show common sense’.

“If people just exercise some restraint over the festive period, I’m wholly confident that this government will finish most of the old folks off via welfare cuts and a crippling period of renewed austerity anyway”

On a serious note, anybody who puts the vulnerable at risk by refusing to wear a mask or by assembling in large gatherings etc should be dragged out into the street and flogged to the bone. In our humble opinion of course – Ed

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