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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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covid

Accepting redundancy with stoicism to be taught in English schools

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The Department of Education has announced that from May 2021 children from the age of 11 upwards will be taught how to put a brave face on being sacked from their job due to the financial downturn brought about by the pandemic coupled with the Brexit financial hit.

Children will be taught a number of skills; including how to look stoical when the boss delivers a final address to the workforce in the canteen, outlining how the company are fucked despite the management’s best efforts, and how not to appear visibly shaken when arriving at the factory gates and finding them padlocked and chained.

Tuition in desk-clearing and consoling distraught colleagues will also be covered, along with benefits-claiming and guidelines on explaining to the kids why they can only eat one hot meal every other day and only be allowed one bath per week in a zinc tub in front of an open fire fuelled by gathered acorns.

A spokesman for the Department of Education said last night: “It’s vital that today’s youngsters leave school fully-equipped to deal with life in the workplace and that includes learning how to deal with the almost nailed-on prospect of losing their jobs and homes before taking to a life of hopeless despair on the streets as a drink-addled stumblebum”

This news comes just two weeks after it was revealed that domestic science lessons in schools were going to include guidance on preparing a thin gruel from kerbside leaf debris and how to make a nourishing hotpot from various types of roadkill.

BREAKING: Whitechapel to be first to get covid vaccine, says WHO

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In what some are seeing as a surprise move, the World Health Organisation has announced that the people of the London Borough of Whitechapel will be the first to be offered the ground-breaking covid-19 vaccine once final safeguard checks have been carried out.

Speaking to newsmen yesterday, WHO Director-General, Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, said: “After due deliberations, we have decided to offer Whitechapel the vaccine first.

‘Initially, we were favouring a widespread roll-out in parts of the underdeveloped world suffering from severe outbreaks, but we changed our minds at the last minute. So Whitechapel it is”

It is understood that the London Borough of Bermondsey in South London was also at the forefront of areas under consideration, due to the fact that in the event of any adverse reaction which resulted in people becoming hideously misshapen or deformed nobody would notice any difference.

Donald Trump used anti-5G lamppost to save my children from paedo terror, says local woman

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A 35-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that the reason her three youngsters haven’t been abducted by a paedophile gang is down to a recently installed lamppostĀ in her street which she claims was commissioned by US President Donald Trump, primarily to ward off death-dealing 5G covid-19 rays being emitted from the other lampposts and also her microwave oven.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three told us: “I live in fear of my kids being abducted by paedos, but thanks to President Trump’s anti-5G lamppost, they have all remained safe.

“It was only installed a few months back but I knew immediately it was a Trump lamppost because it had a bit of orange paint on it that set it apart from the others, in the same way that Donald’s skin makes it easier to distinguish him from his wife and Mike Pence who are much whiter.

“Since that lampost went up not one of my kids has been kidnapped by nonces, nor have any of them contracted 5G-generated covid, although my hubby died from it last week.

“I can’t thank the president enough and have written to him at The White House and have also sent letters to Amanda Holden and Eamon Holmes off the telly, as I know they’re just as scared of 5G covid rays as I am”

Mrs Dell’s assertion comes just five days after a man from neighbouring Stepney complained that Bill Gates was syphoning blood from his 4-year-old cat and giving it to Tom Hanks so that the star could drink it in a bid to stay young-looking.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to give your head a bit of a wobble, or failing that, to throw yourself in the Thames with an anvil chained around your neck – Ed.

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