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Local mum forced to abort car journey after teen son leaves home without masturbating

An antique car on Greenway Terrace for the filming of HBO's "Mildred Pierce".

A 39-year-old Whitechapel mother of two was forced to turn back ten minutes into a car journey after her 16-year-old son complained that he hadn’t masturbated before leaving home.

Tracy Dell from Vallance Road, told us: “We were on a trip to visit my mum in Pimlico when my eldest, Toby, told me that he hadn’t masturbated that morning and didn’t think he could hold it until we got to his grandmother’s place.

“I had to turn back and then wait outside for a few minutes until he’d finished.

“I wouldn’t mind but I asked him if he needed to clear his tubes before we left but he said he was ok and that if he did need to ejaculate on the way he could do it in some bushes at the side of the road.

“My 16-year-old daughter was also in the car but she said she could wait until we got to my mum’s house”

In a similar incident two weeks ago, a mother from neighbouring Stepney told us that her 15-year-old son had embarrassed her by climaxing noisily into an ice cream carton during a performance of La Boheme at The Royal Opera House, Covent Garden.

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Britain’s longest-serving lighthouse keeper marries transistor radio

transistor-radio-old-wallpaper-thumb

A 54-year-old man who has been on duty in a lighthouse in the Thames estuary for a record 27 years without a break, yesterday tied the knot with the small Japanese transistor radio that has been his only contact with the rest of the world throughout his marathon tenure.

Toby Dell, originally from Whitechapel in East London, told The Whelk: “It’s been a pretty lonely life and I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay sane without my radio, so when it agreed to become my wife yesterday I felt like the luckiest man on the planet

“It’s already been like a wife to me down the years. It sings to me when I tune into Radio 2, it chats away when I switch to the LBC phone-ins, and even emits a high-pitched whine when I’m watching football on the TV if I tune it in between stations”

Mr Dell then admitted that the sexual side of the relationship hasn’t been the best and that he can only obtain relief by pleasuring himself late at night if a female weather forecaster is reading the shipping forecast on BBC Radio 4.

Local woman boils kettle on Brexiteer husband’s head

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that she boiled a full kettle of water by placing it on the head of her staunch Brexiteer husband’s head during a party political broadcast by the Liberal Democrats.

Tracy Dell from Commercial Street, told us: “I was sitting in the lounge watching TV with my husband, Toby, when the Lib Dem’s party broadcast started.

“Straight away, I noticed the temperature in the room go up when they started talking about scrapping Brexit.

“I knew from experience that it was due to the heat coming from Toby’s head, and, sure enough, when I looked at him, he was bright red and the vein in his temple was throbbing like the clappers.

“I didn’t want to miss the chance to save a few bob so I stuck the kettle on his head and boiled it up for a cuppa.

“His head was so hot it only took around half a minute. In the end, I had to switch the telly over to a wildlife programme to stop it from boiling over”

Mrs Dell also confided that she uses her husband to take the chill off the guest bedroom when the children are staying over by getting her him to sit in there for ten minutes with a picture of the European Union’s Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier.

JUST IN

whelk fp giuliani

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues featured in these stories, you are either Donald Trump, a puppeteer, or both – Ed

The Queen has consumed at least 11 tons of tallow since ascending to the throne claims insider

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A source inside Buckingham Palace has made the startling claim that Her Majesty, The Queen has used more than 11 imperial tons of tallow since coming to the throne in 1953

The insider told us that she eats raw tallow for every meal, and that even the food she eats at state banquets is made entirely from tallow and is disguised by Palace gourmet chefs to resemble rack of lamb with roast potatoes and things of that nature.

Tallow, which is made from the fat surrounding the organs of cows or sheep, also plays a major part in The Queen’s holistic approach to medicine and she regularly rubs it on her chest during the winter months to keep the cold out.

It is thought that her fondness for the viscous, fatty comestible was passed down to her by, The Queen Mother, who would routinely add hot tallow to her nightly pint of gin and would also use tallow suppositories if she was finding it difficult to have a shit.

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two lovely little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you, princess, so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those Harry Dash department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, my lovely

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

BREAKING: The Kraken awoke and devoured Norwegian trawler during Trump/Farage interview claim reports

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The Kraken depicted chowing down on a hapless vessel in the olden days

Reports are coming in that the legendary sea monster, The Kraken, stirred and then awoke before devouring a Norwegian fishing vessel during last nights LBC radio conversation between, Brexit Party leader, Nigel Farage and US President, Donald Trump.

Speculation is rife that the sheer force of malevolence generated in the airwaves during their exchange may have caused the legendary colossus to wake from its 200-year slumber and emboldened the creature to wreak fresh destruction on passing mariners.

Farage strongly denied the allegation last night, dismissing it as ‘Bremoaner whingeing’, while Trump tweeted that he had ‘never heard of any Kraken’

In a subsequent tweet, the president speculated that he thought it may be, ‘a kind of Scandinavian crispbread’.

The last meeting between the two which took place at Trump Tower in 2017, resulted in a number of unconfirmed sightings of the sexually insane, Zoroastrian, demon, Aka Manah, drinking in a bar in downtown Manhatten.

Local woman drowned tot in a bucket after ‘Benny Hill’ jibe

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Tragic tot, Toby, pictured in happier times

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman drowned her 3-year-old son in a bucket after a comment was made on social media likening the youngster to the late comedian, Benny Hill, an Old Bailey jury heard yesterday

Tracy Dell, a single mother from York Street, had entered her son, Toby, in a newspaper’s ‘Beautiful Baby’ competition in July this year.

The following day, a Facebook comment was made by someone on Miss Dell’s friends list, pointing out the likeness between the child and the podgy1970s comic.

Pleading guilty to manslaughter on the grounds of diminished responsibility, Miss Dell told the court: “To me, Toby was beautiful in every way, so when I spotted that he’d been likened to Benny Hill, something snapped and I grabbed his ankles and dropped him headfirst into a bucket of water.

“In my mind, I thought I’d be doing him a favour and would be saving Toby from a lifetime of ridicule.

“After all, it’s every mother’s instinct to protect her child and that’s what I thought I was doing”

The jury was later shown pictures of the child, which prompted a number of them to suppress laughter and for one of them to repeatedly slap a small bald juror on top of his head.

The case continues.

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