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Danny Soz

Jehovah’s Witness fails to exorcise local demon by holding up a stick

crusader
‘Who is it dear?’

A prominent Jehovah’s Witness was last night unable to cast out a demon from a local teenager by reciting a passage from The Book of Revelation while holding up a small stick.

JWs, believe that Christ was not crucified at Golgotha but was somehow nailed to a wooden stake instead.

They, therefore, shun the conventional cross as the widely-accepted symbol of Christianity and regard it as a blasphemous obscenity that flies in the face of the scriptures, in much the same way as they regard, gays, lesbians, transsexuals, Roman Catholics, Anglicans, Methodists and Quakers etc, as corruptors of Jehovah’s word who will end up as ‘manure on the ground’ when Christ – behaving totally out of character – obliterates Mankind at Armageddon at some point in the future, although, after a constant litany of failures to accurately foretell this one, they haven’t committed to a firm date just yet.

With this doctrine in mind, the JW elder in question attempted to exorcise a malignant demon from the 13-year-old, local girl by holding up a stick, representing the stake on which Christ met his end and reciting something about a seven-headed dragon and a pale rider.

Unfortunately for all concerned, his efforts proved fruitless and the girl’s parents had to call in a Jesuit priest who completed the task in a few hours using the conventional crucifix, along with Holy Water, the Latin prayer to St Michael, and the tried and trusted, invocation of The Holy Mother to crush the proud head of Satan.

A spokesman for the local Jehovah’s Freedom Hall told The Whelk: ‘You can’t win them all I suppose. This girl was probably a lesbian apostate or something, but at least we’ve made a billion smackers from selling our New York headquarters to Jared Kushner’

This latest news comes after it was recently revealed that the Jehovah’s Witnesses’ ‘black book’ of paedophile members is bigger than that of any other organisation on the planet.

SURVEY: Local Book Voted The Number One Gift To Avoid This Christmas

In a recent study conducted by The British Library, the latest novella by Whitechapel Whelk journalist, Danny Soz, was found to be the least desirable gift to purchase for a loved one this Christmas.

The puerile, literary bilge concerned, chronicles a daring gold bullion heist carried out by real-life, child members of Soz’s ne’er-do-well family.

Featuring a cameo appearance by Soz himself right at the end, the book was dismissed in the study as: ‘A real piece of crap of the very highest order and one to definitely steer clear of this Christmas, or indeed, any other Christmas for that matter’

Here’s some reader testimonials:

‘A poorly written and banal, big pile of shiny shite. Puny! – Bodybuilding Monthly

‘Fucking rubbish from start to finish. I wouldn’t use it to wipe my holy arse with’The Dalai Lama

Yugely entertaining. It reads like a finely-tooned, bigly word machine. A tremendous book to grace any covfefe table. So tremendous’Donald Trump

‘I vomited from start to finish‘ – The Reflux and Stomach Disorder Bugle

‘EYE DIDDNT LYKE IT AT AWL. COMPLEETE KRAPP’ The Times Higher Education Supplement

‘I say! What a jolly bad show! I gave my copy to matron and she threw it at our chimney sweepJacob Rees-Mogg

‘Anyone who buys this piece of shite is a two-bob scumbag that deserves a fucking good clumping’The Salvation Army War Cry

‘One was not amused and one ended up flushing it down one’s chodbin’ The Queen

The only plus points that the study could report was the book’s brevity, the dirt cheap price, and the fact that it fits through the average letter box.

Here’s a link, although we’d avoid it like a two-week holiday in a covid ward with no PPE and a wrecked immune system if we were you.

Biden: I’ll make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the world

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In a surprise announcement last night, President-elect Joe Biden, pledged to make the London District of Whitechapel the mouth organ-playing capital of the world.

Speaking to reporters in Wilmington Delaware, Biden said: “Following the complete chaos of the Trump presidency, I feel it is time to restore faith in the United States on the world stage

“A time to heal the divide that now exists between our great country and our overseas neighbours.

“So what better way to build bridges and to restore the respect for America that has been tragically lost during the last four years than to make Whitechapel the mouth organ capital of the entire world.

“The Treasury Secretary has agreed to invest four billion dollars in the project initially, with a rolling annual donation of a further one billion starting this March.

“Every man, woman and child will be provided with a mouth organ in a faux leather pouch with a genuine microfibre cloth to keep it shiny and free from finger-marks

“Lessons will be mandatory and conducted every two hours by a specially-trained mouth organ maestro from one of our United States harmonica academies.

“This great country of ours will not rest until we have put Whitechapel at the very summit of human achievement when it comes to learning the mouth organ in a very short time.”

Whitechapel residents greeted the news with enthusiasm last night.

Toby Dell, a 54-year-old forklift truck engineer from Dean Street told a CNN reporter: “This is outstanding news and a massive boost to the whole of the neighbourhood.

“I knew things were going to look up when they got rid of the orange cretin but this is beyond my wildest dreams, to be honest.

“The wife and I have already started learning, If I Were The Marrying Kind, and, The Rose Of Tralee, in bed at night.

The last time a London district was given special attention by an overseas country was in 1968 when Belgium voted Bermondsey in south London as the place they would most like to bomb into the Stone Age.

Meghan killed Cambridge’s dog using power of suggestion, says Daily Mail

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In a hard-hitting editorial, The Daily Mail newspaper has accused Meghan Markle of using the power of suggestion to kill the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s nine-year-old cocker spaniel, Lupo, (picture above) who passed away at the weekend.

The Mail’s leader claims that Markle willed the dog to die during a cocaine and booze-fulled sex romp with friends and family on Saturday night:

“Meghan has never liked that dog right from the word go and relished the chance to bring about its destruction through the power of suggestion while high on drink and drugs” the Mail claims

“We also think she may have caused Prince Archie to shit himself in the corner on his first day of school using the same method”

If proven, this will mirror the 1969 Daily Mirror revelation that Princess Margaret caused Prince Philip to experience erectile dysfunction every night while on his honeymoon with The Queen in 1947 using voodoo.

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Local woman found dead following shock-induced flatulence incident

Gas leak background, 3D rendering, rough street sign collection

A 23-year-old Whitechapel woman was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on Monday when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was, she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers when she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown.

GREAT LIVES #232. This Week: Mama June Boo Boo

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Mama June Boo Boo was born in Barnsley in Yorkshire at a very young age.

She weighed just six ounces at birth, but quickly piled on the pounds, tipping the scales at an astonishing thirty-seven stone four pounds just hours later after eating sixteen Krispy Kreme donuts washed down with twelve pints of heavy in the hospital canteen.

She recounts that her early years in Yorkshire were the happiest days of her life and that she often earned in excess of fifteen pounds a week as a coalminer and part-time county executioner.

In 1980, Mama met and married a slave boss from Montgomery Alabama who was on holiday in nearby Skegness.

She subsequently moved to the USA where she gave birth to eighteen illiterate children in six months, including her world famous daughter, Honey Boo Boo, who became a deep-sea trawler skipper and governor of the state pen at the age of three.

In 2004, Mama had ballooned to a colossal ninety-five stone but shed the pounds rapidly after being almost fatally harpooned while on holiday in Tampa

She now tips the scales at a healthy eighty-five stone and thirteen pounds and was recently voted Poorly-Educated Slimmer Of The Month by the Manchester Guardian.

She is currently much sought after as a model and after dinner speaker with a fanbase right across the world, including defeated US President Donald Trump, who once tweeted that she was, ‘a fine-looking woman who has been a bigly influence on my life. So fine, so fine. Tremendous’

She has now retired from public life and lives quietly on an urban farm in Mudchute in East London, where she can often be seen giving children rides on her back in the school holidays and engaging in late-night heavy petting sessions with local shopkeepers of both sexes.

From our showbiz and inbreeding correspondent

Local man re-evaluates lifestyle after holy water sears into flesh

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From our religious affairs correspondent

A 54-year-old Roman Catholic man from Whitechapel who was left with severe burns to his forehead after making the sign of The Cross with holy water from the font at Westminster Cathedral, has told The Whelk that he is now considering making a number of changes to his lifestyle

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Thrawl Street, told us: “I knew I had to address my life choices and move a little closer to God when I felt that holy water sear into my flesh.

“It happened when I went to the font before 10.30 Mass on Sunday and again when I left.

“As well as burning my head, a few droplets fell onto my shoes. I noticed that it took some of the polish off and made them start smoking

“It was pretty excruciating, to be honest, and has actually left the sign of The Cross burned into my flesh.

“I even checked my hands, feet, and side for signs of stigmata when I got home but I seem to be ok on that score.

“I’m now going to give up drink, gambling, and sleeping with all of my wife’s four sisters, although I might still ask them to send me a few saucy photos now and again as I don’t want to rush things too much.

“I’m also going to stop using industrial language in a casual manner, although as a supporter of West Ham United, I realise this won’t be at all easy when the football results are being read out on the radio”

A spokesman for the Cathedral told us: “We are always delighted when a worshipper moves closer to The Lord. However, we should point out, that due to coronavirus, we have been filling the fonts with caustic soda at night to sanitise them and this is not drained off and rinsed away until just before the sung Latin Mass at 4.30 pm”

BREAKING: Emboldened White House aide pulls down sleeping Trump’s eyelids to prevent bug-eyed lunatic look.

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A White House official, emboldened by the US election result, last night crept into The Oval Office, where President Donald Trump has been sleeping since the outcome became clear, and gently closed his eyelids in a bid to prevent the sleeping POTUS from freaking out fellow staffers who have complained that his habit of sleeping with his eyes open has unnerved them.

The unnamed aide told The Whelk: “He looks and sounds insane enough when he’s awake, so you can imagine what he looks like when he sleeps with his eyes open.

“He’s one crazy fuck and we all can’t wait until Joe and his wife move in on January 20th.

“I know that a number of my colleagues have been really freaked out by the way he sleeps.

“One lady told me that she entered the Oval Office to grab a file and he was asleep, flat on his back on the desk with his eyes wide open.

“As she was leaving, he farted loudly, sat bolt upright, tugged on his belt and yelled, ‘Daddy, is it that time again?”

“She said he looked like one crazy sonofabitch and she got the hell out real quick”

Trump is not the only Republican President to take his repose in the Oval Office.

In 2003, President George W Bush climbed on top of his desk and slept soundly for three hours while British Prime Minister, Tony Blair was explaining to him how he had found God.

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