EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re from foreign parts and haven’t a clue who Jacob Rees Mogg is, take our word for it that he’s an English toff and politician who is also a complete anachronistic ponce…Oh, and Waitrose is a supermarket for people who have got a few quid. I expect it’s a bit like Walmart but with people wearing top hats and tails in it.
EDITOR’S NOTE: No Cockneys were harmed during the compilation of this funny and totally non-politically correct item. In fact, some of our best friends are Cockneys, including ourselves. Although, having said that, we do have a person from Yorkshire on the staff, but we don’t like to talk about her in polite company. In fact, we only keep her on because she’s really pretty, good at graphics, and makes us laugh when she speaks in a silly accent and talks about ‘washing t’ pots’.
Former Tory Party leader, Sir Iain Duncan Smith, has told The Daily Express that Brexit champion, Nigel Farage, made him dress as US President, Donald Trump, during a sordid romp at Farage’s home in Surrey last year.
Duncan Smith, 66, told the newspaper: “Nigel invited me round one evening in October last year.
“I thought he wanted to discuss Britain’s post-Brexit trade negotiations with Africa or something.
“However, he made it pretty clear from the outset that there was only one thing on his mind.
“He was scantily-clad in just shorts and a Hawaiian-style, short-sleeved shirt. His hands were all over me as soon as I sat down on the sofa.
“He started kissing my neck and began fondling me over my trousers.
“He then produced a Donald Trump wig and begged me to put it on and to adopt an American accent.
“I was confused and a little scared so I complied with his wishes and began talking about Nambia, covfefe, and invisible USAF planes.
“It was over in seconds, to be honest. I think my references to injecting bleach may have been the trigger.
“He then made me a cup of tea, told me that he loved me and asked me to leave.
“I felt used and dirty. I told my wife and she advised me to sell my story to the papers to get a few quid out of it”
Duncan Smith’s account comes just a week after ex-Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, told newsmen that he was asked by, ex-Tory backbencher, Ann Widdecombe, to tie her up in her cellar and commit an unnatural act while dressed as Karl Marx.
It has been estimated that over ten thousand irritating people of below-average intelligence aged 50 and above have been left disappointed by the government’s failure to allow cruise ship holidays to take place this summer due to the coronavirus pandemic.
Many of those affected have expressed dismay at being deprived of the opportunity of living cooped up like cattle on a floating retirement home, spending their days traipsing morosely round and round the upper deck, stopping only to cram appallingly-cooked meals down their necks and washing them down with watered-down lager or exotically-named cocktails made from orange squash and shoe reconditioner.
A government spokesman said last night: “While we realise that the ban will be disappointing for many we have to consider the risk to the health of both passengers and crew.
“We have taken our decision based on the fact that cruise enthusiasts are mostly elderly and overweight irritating dullards, whose idea of relaxation is spending six weeks in a room smaller than the average solitary confinement cell, stuffing their faces, vomiting over the side rail, and heaving their bloated bodies around the dancefloor to teeth-grindingly out-of-tune crooners accompanied by truly atrocious swing bands in the evenings”.
The news was tempered, however, by yesterdays announcement that Britain’s mentally sub-normal youngsters will still be able to fly to Torremolinos for their customary bouts of alcoholic poisoning, venereal disease, imprisonment, and fatal balcony falls.
The Trump administration was reeling last night after ex-White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, told newsmen that she broke wind into President Donald Trump’s glass containing a banana daiquiri cocktail during a boozy evening with other close presidential aides in 2018.
Sanders told reporters: “Listen, I know that I toed the Republican Party line and told the press boys what Trump wanted to hear, but we all know the man’s a weapons-grade asshole, so when the opportunity arose to raise a few yuks at his expense, I just went for it.
“We’d all had a few drinks, apart from Trump who was on alcohol-free cocktails, and were in high spirits.
Trump went to the can at one point and a couple of the guys – I think it was Donald Rumsfeld and that guy who got thrown in jail for lying to Congress, told me to fart in his drink.
“I was reluctant at first and then I thought, why the hell not, the guy’s a total doofus.
“I picked up his highball glass, quickly pulled my panties down at the back and let fly into his drink. It was a real rip-snorter and you could hear the damn thing bubbling and everything.
“When he came back in the room and started drinking it, some of the guys couldn’t contain themselves and had to leave the room while Rudi Giuliani actually started crying”
This incident mirrors the 2005 occasion when Secretary of State, Condoleeza Rice, admitted to urinating in George W Bush’s bottle of Bud at a White House press briefing while the president was fielding a question from the Washington Post on the progress of the second Gulf War.
Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, last night welcomed the fatal stabbings at a park in Reading on Saturday, calling the attack, which left three people dead and a number badly injured, ‘A welcome return to good old-fashioned British terrorism.
Speaking from Downing Street, Johnson told newsmen: “I think most right-thinking British people will welcome this attack as a long-overdue diversion from all this doom and gloom surrounding covid-19 and this government’s perceived failure to deal with it effectively.
“Saturday’s events were a wonderful return to good, old-fashioned British terrorism and much more the sort of thing the public are used to dealing with.
“From a personal point of view, I’m also hoping that the re-establishment of an Irish border, post-Brexit, will stir up ill-feeling and sectarianism on the island of Ireland and we on the mainland can look forward to a wave of IRA terror attacks just like we used to get in the good old days in the 70s and 80s.
“Hopefully, it will take the public’s minds off the complete collapse of the post-Brexit economy, the selling off of the NHS to Donald Trump, and the influx of hormone-injected beef and chlorinated chicken from the United States”.
EDITOR’S NOTE:Apologies for the no-show in recent weeks. The thing is, a magazine is paying us to write for them and they want exclusivity as a condition for parting company with the readies. However, if you all chip in a few quid I’m fairly sure we can come to some kind of arrangement. *taps finger against side of nose and winks in conspiratorial manner*
Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings are currently appearing in the hilarious farce, No Diseases Please We’re British, at the York Hall, Bethnal Green.
Editor’s Note:If any foreign people are reading this errant nonsense in the press about the UK being the worst country for covid-19 deaths per million of the population, I urge you to dismiss it all as a tissue of leftie lies. We are, after all, the country where Nelson was born and where blue passports will soon be carried by every staunch Britisher. No virus would dare to infect this blessed plot. Oh dear me no. That’s right out, that is!
In a surprise move, table soccer giants, Subbuteo, have announced that their 2021 World Cup tournament will be staged on the big face of pop icon, Olly Murs.
A spokesman for the company told newsmen: “We have concluded preliminary talks with Olly and he has agreed to have the tournament on his huge face in June and July of next year.
“32 nations will be taking part with three matches per day in the opening rounds all being played simultaneously on various parts of his enormous dial.
“The final will be held on his gigantic forehead on the afternoon of July 22nd with the 3rd and 4th place playoff taking place on his chin in the morning”
Murs appeared delighted with the move last night. The Dance With Me star told reporters: “I’ve always been a massive Subbuteo fan so to have the tournament staged on my big face is such an honour.
“I’ve been practising at home over the last few weeks with a few friends, who lay out the pitch on my face and then play matches using hands on springs to flick the players to stay within the social distancing guidelines.
“I can’t wait to get laid down on that floor and for the opening match to kick-off on the bit between my nose and upper lip on June 4th”
This news comes just two weeks after Subbuteo Table Cricket announced that their One-Day World Cup tournament will be held next November in the West Indies on the cheeks of roly-poly TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes’ massive arse.
A 47-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London has told a Whelk reporter that her 22-year-old son – a habitual internet troll – doesn’t possess the strength to unscrew the lids from jars and has to get her to do it for him.
Tracy Dell from Leman Street told us: I’ve lost count of the number of lids I’ve had to unscrew for him over the years.
‘He just sits in his bedroom all day wearing my dressing gown and threatening people online.
“He doesn’t seem to target particular people, although he does tend to go for softer options like transport enthusiasts or interior design Facebook groups.
‘He then emerges at teatime and gets me to unscrew the lid from his marmite or jar of Nutella before he has a couple of slices of toast and a glass of banana Nesquik.
‘He’s never been very robust, to be honest, and was regularly bullied at school by the other kids, especially the girls.
“He did have a girlfriend for a couple of weeks but she left him after continuously beating him at arm wrestling.
‘I’ve told him to stop abusing people online and to get out more but he flatly refuses.
‘The only time he’s been outside in the last two years was a few months ago when he was traced by a woman he’d been trolling who turned up on the doorstep.
‘He ended up throwing himself out of the bedroom window and broke both his legs.’
It has been estimated by scientists that if you harnessed the strength of ten typical keyboard warriors you would produce roughly enough torque or turning effort to unscrew the top from a bottle of Vimto after the lid had been tapped a few times with the edge of a knife to loosen it up a bit.