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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Danny Soz

Is he a bore? Is he a pain? Yes! He’s Brexit Man!

Notice how we’ve resorted to posting memes instead of our usual amusing fake news stories lately?

It’s not good enough is it?

If I were you, I’d complain to the WordPress guvnors and ask that we be removed from the platform with a sweetener payoff of 10 million smackers.

Yes, that’s what I’d do alright – Ed

Train driver dreams of becoming a 10-year-old boy

Casey Jones (TV Series 1957–1958) - IMDb

A train driver from Whitechapel in East London has told a local newspaper that his manhood dream is to one day become a 10-year-old boy.

Toby Dell, 54, told The Whelk: “When I get home from work in the evenings I often start daydreaming about being 10-years-old.

“I imagine myself doing things like collecting conkers, scrumping apples, having wrestling matches with my dad in the back garden and pulling girls’ ponytails in the classroom.

“When my wife’s out shopping or visiting her sister, I put on a pair of tatty shorts along with a grubby white shirt and a poorly knotted stripey tie.

“I then go out in the street and kick a football around until it gets dark and I have to go home for my tea.

“I’ve been jeered at and even beaten up a few times but it’s worth it to live my dream.”

Mr Dell’s revelation comes just two weeks after the current Miss World told Hello magazine that she regularly dreams of one day becoming a gawky, skinny teenager with glasses and braces on her teeth that can’t get a boyfriend for love nor money.

Local man sustains side strain injury during episode of Columbo

columbo-main-NEW

A 54-year-old local man has told The Whelk that he picked up a severe side strain while sitting on the sofa watching an episode of the popular TV detective drama, Columbo, last Friday.

Toby Dell, a window-fixer from Vallance Road, told us: “I was sitting on the sofa, watching Columbo, when I felt this searing pain in my side.

“I cried out in anguish but my wife told me to ‘put a sock in it’ and just carried on watching.

“I grabbed a pillow and covered my face, in an effort to avoid causing further disruption to her viewing pleasure.

“I can only put it down to the tension I felt when Columbo was leaving the room where he’d been questioning the murderer then stopped and said: “There’s just one more thing sir…”

This latest incident comes almost one year to the day when a woman from neighbouring Limehouse wrenched her left knee from its socket while removing her reading glasses to watch an episode of Murder She Wrote.

Local woman found hanged following shock-induced flatulence incident

Colonie gas leak cleaned up after major rupture

A 23-year-old woman from Whitechapel in East London was found hanged in her bathroom on Tuesday night following an incident in the street on the previous evening when she noisily broke wind in front of her new boyfriend who had surprised her by jumping out in front of her from a shop doorway in Commercial Street.

Tracy Carter, a beautician from Berner Street, had told friends that it was the most embarrassing day of her life and that she was struggling to come to terms with it.

The man concerned in the incident, Toby Dell, 25, a diesel-fitter from Mile End, told us: “I spotted Tracy walking past Spitalfields Market and decided to surprise her.

“I ducked into a doorway and jumped out in front of her when she drew level.

“She screamed and then unleashed this enormous, double-barrelled fart. It was a real rip-snorter and loads of people turned around and looked at her.

“I actually thought it was pretty funny but she got really upset and ran off down the street.

“The ironic part of it was that she actually let fly with a few minor squeakers as she took off.

“To be fair, it was the first time she’d ever done that in front of me, although, you can bet your bottom dollar she used to fart privately. That’s women all over in my view.

“She was a nice girl though and I’m pretty sorry she’s hanged herself, although, I have to say, I think she overreacted a bit”

This incident comes just two weeks after a 19-year-old girl from neighbouring Spitalfields threw herself into Wapping Dock and drowned after repeatedly failing to flush a stubborn ‘submarine’ down the toilet at her new boyfriend’s flat in Silvertown, only managing to reduce it to a ‘peeper’.

Comic Book Shocker: Batman’s Grandad To Be Unveiled as Trans Lesbian, says DC

gay superman

Just days after the shock news that DC Comics have decided to expose Superman’s son, Jon, as bi-sexual, the comic giant has now revealed that in a forthcoming issue of Batman, the Caped Crusader’s grandfather will undergo a sex change operation, turning him from a hick farmer in Michigan into a female with strong lesbian tendencies.

In a brief statement, a spokesperson for DC said last night: “We have decided to reflect today’s more tolerant and diverse society by making Batman’s grandad a transsexual with a liking for the occasional bout of clam noshing.

“There won’t be anything too graphic. Readers will just see him going into a private clinic in his farmer’s overalls before emerging the next day with a beehive hairdo and wearing a dress.”

This latest move comes just weeks after Marvel Comics revealed that The Mighty Thor’s father and ruler of Asgard, Odin, is going to be exposed as a sexually insane secret cross-dresser who gets caught by his wife, Freya, wearing her corsets and wanking in the bathroom to images in an amputee-dwarf grumble mag.

Local man almost certain girlfriend had bowel movement on first date

pretty
A girl pictured pretending she doesn’t need to go to the toilet last night

A 23-year-old man from Aldgate in East London has claimed to be “99% certain” that a young woman he had just cooked dinner for at his flat went to the toilet and opened her bowels shortly after dessert.

Toby Dell, an electrical engineer, told The East London Gazette: “It was our first date and we were both feeling pretty nervous and a little awkward too I guess.

I had made us steak and kidney pie with peas and mash and my new girlfriend seemed to really enjoy it.

It was just after we’d eaten our dessert of rhubarb crumble and custard that I noticed a change in her demeanour. She kept fidgeting in her chair and wouldn’t look me in the eye.

“She then excused herself and went to the bathroom.

Her movements at this point were hurried and a little furtive, and she kept her head down as she walked past me.

She must have been gone for well over five minutes, during which I heard her cough loudly at least four or five times. I can only assume she was trying to drown out the splashes.

“After she’d pulled the chain, she remained in there for quite a while, presumably waiting for the bubbles to go from the top of the water so she could check for any tell-tale floaters or submarines.

“When she came back, her face was pretty red and she avoided eye contact for quite some time.

I tried to smooth things over by making a few light-hearted remarks about the noisy plumbing, but it only seemed to make matters worse and she left shortly after, saying that she had to get up early for work.

“After she’d gone, I went to the bathroom myself and it was pretty obvious she’d been spraying perfume in there to mask the stench of rotting greens”

When asked if he’d be seeing her again, he told us that he would, but would only be serving drinks and a few dry biscuits.

Surgeons battle to remove Bruce Willis’s oil-stained vest

Film and Television

A team of highly skilled surgeons were last night locked in a grim, life-or-death struggle to remove the oily vest of action movie stalwart, Bruce Willis.

Willis, 97, hasn’t taken the vest off since the first Die Hard epic hit our screens in 1958 and it is feared that the oil-stained garment may have given him a potentially fatal case of dermatitis

He has previously told friends that he keeps it on in case he gets the call from a film producer to reprise the famous scene where he clings to the undercarriage of a hijacked airliner, despite the fact that his vest was being heavily spattered with oil from a stricken engine.

A hospital spokesman said last night: “Mr Willis is currently undergoing surgery to remove his oil-stained vest.

“However, due to the fact that the garment has become fused to his body over time this is proving problematical and the team may just to decide to let him die on the operating table and go down the pub”

In 1957, wild west movie legend, John Wayne, almost died during an eighteen-hour long operation as a team of medics fought to surgically remove his ten-gallon cowboy hat.

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