Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

Tag

Danny Sparko

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those posh department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, princess

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

danny sparko

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of two lovely little girls, I’m living on state handouts so money’s really tight

Last week, I bought the little ones a pretty dress each from a stall in Roman Road market.

Unfortunately, they fell apart after just a couple of hours wear.

I took them back to the stallholder and asked for a refund but he was very rude and refused to reimburse me

Please help if you can Danny as I had to go without food to buy the dresses and simply can’t afford to lose money this way as you can imagine

Tracy Dell
142 Dock Street E1

************

Dear Tracy

I paid the stallholder a visit yesterday afternoon and knocked the mug spark out with a left uppercut.

I then dragged him to his feet and stood him up against the wall before going downstairs, dishing out some sustained punishment to the body

After breaking a few of his ribs, I allowed him to hit the deck again before stamping on his swede a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman from one of the other stalls came over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to stay out of it and that it was between me and him.

After striping the geezer across the boat race with an open razor, I turned his stall over and robbed all his takings to the tune of nearly six hundred smackers

I’m sending the money to you, princess, so you can treat the saucepan lids to some nice shmutter from one of those Harry Dash department gaffs in the West End

All the very best, my lovely

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is associate editor of The Ruptured Spleen and Fractured Eye Socket Gazette

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a 19-year-old single mum of 2 living on benefits in Stepney.
Last week, I ordered one of those battery-powered strip lights to use in the kitchen so that I could save on the electric bill.
However, it uses up the batteries so fast that it’s even more expensive than an electric one.
I took it back to the shop but the man I bought it from wouldn’t give me a refund. He just said I should have realised that the batteries would run out quick and that it was tough shit
Please help if you can Danny as it’s such a struggle to get by with two little ones and I just can’t afford to throw money away like this. xxx

Tracy Dell
22 Lee Street
Stepney E2

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and knocked the geezer spark out with a blinding shot to the chin.
I then went in with the boot, rupturing his spleen and breaking a few ribs while I was about it
The mug then tries to get up off the deck, so I waited until he got up on one knee before pulling my razor and giving him a striping across his boat race.
He went down again due to blood loss so I stamped on his nut, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.
At this point, his bird came steaming out from the back of the shop, crying and begging me to leave it out.
I felt sorry for the kid so I robbed the till and left.
I’m sending you 500 sovs of the takings to treat yourself and the saucepan lids to a day out in Southend. The sea air and some currant bun will set you up a treat, my lovely.
All the very best, princess
Your Pal
Danny

Danny Sparko is Acting Chairperson of The Fractured Eye Socket & Permanent Kidney Damage Association

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

danny sparko meme

 

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 19-year-old single mum living at home with my parents.

Things at home are pretty strained to be honest and I’d love to get a little flat for myself and my baby, who means the world to me.

The other day, I found a really nice place in Whitechapel but the landlord won’t let me move in unless I sleep with him.

He’s pretty old and very unattractive and the thought of intimacy with him makes my flesh crawl.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I don’t have anyone else to turn to.

Billie Dell

London E1

*********

Dear Billie

I went round to see the geezer and gave him a straightener as soon as he opened the door.

I then went in with the boot and gave his kidneys a good larruping before stamping on his head and giving him the 5-millimetre tread.

To liven him up a bit more, I dragged him to his feet and put the nut in, breaking his nose and knocking out two of his front Hampsteads.

He passed out at this point so I chucked a bucket of water over him to sharpen him up and then booted him in the Niagras a few times to dampen his enthusiasm, so to speak.

I’ve now made him sign an agreement which stipulates that you can live there rent-free with the dustbin lid for as long as you like.

I’ve also told him, that if he sets foot on the property or tries to contact you in any way, he’ll be waking up in the Royal London surrounded by doctors.

I hope this sets your mind at rest, princess, and that you and the ankle-biter enjoy your new gaff

All the very best, my lovely

Your Pal

Danny

 

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Anti-Bullying In The Workplace Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I hope so much you can help me, as I’m so upset and just don’t know who else to turn to.

I’m an 18-year-old girl, and because I’m a little overweight and wear glasses, I’m being picked on at work by my boss.

He calls me, four eyes, and makes unkind remarks about my weight, despite the fact that he’s rather fat himself.

I’m scared to say anything in case he fires me because I really need the money to pay for my flat and to help my mum who’s struggling with ill health.

Perhaps you could advise me as to the best way to deal with this situation, Danny, as my life’s being made a misery by this man’s unkindness.

Thank you so much for listening

Tracy Dell
Whitechapel E1

 

*********************

Dear Tracy

I waited outside your office last night and confronted this mug as he was getting into his motor.

I slammed his head in the car door a few times and then dragged him to his feet so that I could land a few tasty right-handers on his jaw.

The milky slag started crying like a girly at this point so I went downstairs and gave him a few hard digs under the rib cage which sickened the boy so much he brought up his burger and chips.

After he’d hit the deck, I stamped on his face a few times, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

At this point, a woman came steaming over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to back off and that it was between me and him.

I finished the job by giving him a few tasty toe-enders to the kidneys and tossing him over the Thames embankment into the drink. I’m not sure if the tide was in or out at the time mind you.

I hope this sets your mind at rest princess, and for what it’s worth, I think you look beautiful in that smudge you sent me with your letter and I’d be proud to be seen out and about on the manor with you on my arm.

Be lucky sweetheart

Your Pal

Danny.

Danny Sparko is vice-chairman of the Grievous Bodily Advisory Council

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Heavyweight Consumer Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with 3 children aged 3, 4, and 6. As a special Christmas treat, I thought I’d take them to a local Winter Wonderland so that they could see Santa and generally enjoy the magic of Christmas

However, when we got there, the place was in a terrible state. All the fake snow had blown away, leaving the ground like a muddy quagmire. The reindeer were just large dogs with bits of twig glued to their heads, and, to make matters worse, when I took the little ones into Santa’s grotto he was lying on the floor drunk with his trousers around his ankles. He barely acknowledged the kids, and when he did speak, he called them his best mates and asked for drink and cigarettes before becoming aggressive and threatening to take the lot of them.

I tried to get my money back, but the manager was very rude and told me to clear off and to stop moaning.

Please help if you can, Danny, as I’m on income support and can ill-afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you, Danny,

Tracy Dell

Leman Street E1

**************************

Dear Tracy

I went round to the manager’s house last night and gave him a solid right uppercut to the jaw. I then went downstairs and worked his lower body with a few powerful shots using both left and right hooks.

This seemed to sicken him big style, so, as he doubled up under the big bombs, I landed a couple of blinding right crosses to his jaw before putting his lights out with a real peach of a roundhouse left-hander to the temple

Just to get the job properly squared away, I went in with the boot, giving him a few quality toe-enders to the solar plexus. I then turned him over and stamped on his kidneys a few times before pulling out a Stanley blade and giving him a few stripes on both cheeks of his arse as a little souvenir present.

I then stole his wallet and bagged up a few valuables from his house to flog down the market on my secondhand goods stall.

Just for good measure, I stamped on his face on the way out, giving him the 5-millimetre tread, the liberty taking mug!

I’m enclosing a full refund of your expenditure, sweetheart, plus a couple of hundred smackers to buy something nice for yourself and the little saucepan lids for Christmas

Have a blinding Christmas, princess, and give the chavvies a big hug from their Uncle Danny, ok?

All the best, my lovely, and a very Merry Christmas to you and yours.

Your Pal

Danny x

Danny Sparko is Vice Chairman of the Grievous Bodily Awareness Society

Danny Sparko: Whitechapel Boxing Council Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

danny sparko meme

Dear Danny

I’m a single mum with two young children aged 2 and 4. During this hot spell of weather I bought a small inflatable paddling pool so that the little ones could cool down and have some fun in the water.

Unfortunately, when I got it home I discovered it had a hole in it so I took it back to the shop to ask for a replacement.

The manager was really rude and accused me of puncturing it myself through careless handling. I became really upset by this and started crying.

Please help if you can Danny as I’m struggling financially and simply can’t afford to throw money away like this.

Thank you so much.

Tracy Dell

Commercial Road

Whitechapel


 

Dear Tracy

I went round to the shop and asked to see the manager. When he came out of his office, I stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose

I then went to work downstairs, landing some really meaty body shots which sent him to the deck like a sack of spuds

Next, I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys and finished the job by stamping on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread.

One of the girl shop assistants then started begging me to leave him alone, saying that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

I then took his wallet from his jacket and took all the wedge out. There was over 200 sovs in there which I’m sending to you so you can buy the saucepan lids a decent pool. One of those ones with solid sides would probably be favourite.

All the very best sweetheart, and if you get any more grief from this slippery mug just let me know and I’ll dive round there again and give him another straightener.

All the very best, princess

Your pal

Danny

Danny Sparko is Head Doorman and Features Editor of The Grievous Bodily Gazette

Danny Sparko: Heavyweight Consumer’s Champion

 

 

 

danny sparko meme

Dear Mr Sparko

I’m a 20-year-old female who enjoys posting on the WordPress blogging website. My interests are pottery, embroidery and all sorts of arts and crafts.

At first, everything was fine and I enjoyed sharing my ideas with like-minded people, who would often be kind enough to ‘like’ and comment on my blog.

However, over the last few months, I’ve been harassed by a man who keeps making inappropriate suggestions. I’ve told him that I’m engaged to my long-term boyfriend and not interested in his advances, but he won’t take no for an answer and continues with his unwanted attentions.

Please help if you can Danny as it’s making me ill. I’ve become reclusive and my family and friends keep asking me if everything’s alright.

Jade Shay

London

*********************

Dear Jade

I traced this sleazy arseole through the IP address you provided and went round his house last night.

As soon as he opened the door I’ve straightened him with a peach of a right-hander. He went down like a sack of spuds so I followed up with a few toe-enders around the kidneys to sharpen him up a bit. Then, I’ve dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on him, breaking his nose.

At this point his old woman came out, shouting the odds and telling me to leave it out. But I told her to shut it and that it was between me and him.

To be honest, the geezer was in absolute shit state by now and looked as if he’d had enough – I even felt a bit sorry for him – so I stamped on his face a few times with me steel-toe-capped Doc Martens, giving his dial the old 5-millimetre tread.

On the way back down his drive, I sliced through one of his car’s brake pipes in case he tried to drive himself to hospital.

Anyway, Jade, I don’t think you’ll be hearing from this mug anytime soon love.

All the very best for the future sweetheart

Your pal

Danny.

Whitechapel E1

Disclaimer: Danny Sparko is a fictitious character and, in no way, shape, or form, reflects the opinion of the author on how these sparkling internet heroes should be dealt with. Nor indeed, the type of swift and effective home-grown justice that would be meted out if he were given half a chance. This disclaimer was brought to you courtesy of Danny Soz, Chairman of  The London Board Of Grievous Bodily Control.

Danny Sparko:Whitechapel’s Heavyweight Consumer Champion

 

danny sparko meme

 

Dear Danny

My only son is turning 18 this month, and to celebrate, we’re planning a big party at our house. The arrangements had all gone fairly well, until this week when I was badly let down by our local priest who had promised to let us have some old discarded pews belonging to the church, to seat some of the guests. However, when I rang last night to arrange a time to collect them, the priest told me that he’d sold them to somebody else who had come in at the last minute with a higher bid. Now I’m at my wits end as we have over 200 guests due to arrive and I’m worried that people will have nowhere to sit when we have the garden buffet. Any help or advice you can give would be most welcome Danny.

Mary Dell

Eire

*******************************

Dear Mary

I waited for the geezer outside the church after morning mass and stuck one on his jaw as he was walking down the path. The boy went down like a sack of spuds, so I gave him a few toe-enders in the kidneys while he was on the deck. At this point, a woman from the congregation came steaming over and told me to leave it and that he wasn’t worth it, but I told her it was between me and him and for her to shut it.

I then dragged him to his feet and stuck the nut on the bridge of his hooter before following up with a few tasty digs to his solar plexus. This seemed to sicken the geezer big time and he’s hit the deck again. I could see he’d had enough by this time so I stamped on his face, giving him the old 5-millimetre tread and left him laying there.

I then dived into the church and had it on my toes with the collection box and a couple of gold crosses that I found laying on the altar. I’ll knock these out to a geezer I know with a smelter later on and send you any dosh I make after expenses. I’ve asked a couple of geezers from the firm to shoot over to the church later and unscrew some of the pews and deliver ’em to your gaff some time tomorrow, so you should be nicely sorted for the kid’s birthday scrimmage. Is that alright love?

If there’s anything else I can help you with just ask, ok sweetheart? Hope the bash goes off alright, and if you need a couple of big ole lumps on the door in case it kicks off, I’ll send a couple of the chaps round, ok?

All the very best Treacle

Your Pal

Danny

Danny Sparko appears courtesy of the Ruptured Spleen Advisory Board

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑