The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Furious 5th place Hamilton blames other drivers for finishing ahead of him

Image result for lewis hamilton
Hamilton, pictured last night with his customary, ‘face like a slapped arse’ when he doesn’t win

Formula 1 world champion, Lewis Hamilton, last night launched a bitter attack on the four drivers that pushed him back into a disappointing 5th place finish in yesterday’s thrilling Austrian Grand Prix, which was eventually won by Red Bull’s Max Verstappen.

A visibly enraged Hamilton hit out at his rivals in a highly-charged post-race press conference.

“If these other four guys hadn’t finished in front of me, I’m absolutely convinced I could have got the win” he raged

“My car wasn’t really dialled-in to the race conditions and the team’s strategy was extremely poor, but I have no doubt in my mind that I would have still taken the chequered flag if these guys hadn’t pushed me back into fifth.

“If this is what F1 is coming to then I will seriously consider retirement at the end of the season.

“People, and my fellow racers, in particular, need to understand that I’m Lewis Hamilton and if they’re not prepared to slow down in order to hand me the win I shall report them to the FIA and continue to kick up fuck at post-race interviews until they do”

Hamilton then stormed out of the room and was spotted minutes later outside the building, screaming and screaming until he was sick



The Whitechapel Whelk would like to point out that we do not endorse the killing and consumption of heads of state of any country,

However, if the American public ever feel inclined to make a few thousand Trump Burgers at some point, then far be it from us to stand in the way of the will of the people – Ed

Dogwalker held after finding 12th body in a week

Mr Dell’s dog pictured putting a brave face on it last night


An East London man has been arrested on suspicion of murder after he reported finding a twelfth dead body in a week while out walking his dog

Toby Dell, 35, an unmarried forklift truck driver from Whitechapel was yesterday remanded in custody at Horseferry Road magistrates court and will appear at The Old Bailey in December.

Dell, described by neighbours as a bit of a loner, reported finding found his 12th mutilated corpse in a week while walking his dog in Victoria Park in Bow at 3.00 am on Monday.

Police became suspicious when they noticed that his clothes and hands were bloodstained and that he had a meat cleaver stuffed into his waistband.

A police spokesman told a press conference: “We began to harbour suspicions after he reported finding 3 bodies in 24 hours while walking his dog on Hackney Marshes on July 20th, and, to be fair, we did take him in for questioning after he found his 10th body a few days later, but we released him without charge when he told us he was a Jehovah’s Witness and a Freemason.

“It was the bloodstained clothing, the concealed weapon, and the fact that he kept laughing maniacally when the duty sergeant was taking a statement that led to his subsequent arrest and charge.”

Specially trained officers and a forensic team are now searching Dell’s home in Vallance Road where they are also digging up his back garden assisted by his dog.

Local man begins to harbour marriage doubts after catching fiance eating cake like a dog

A cake pictured waiting for a girl last night


A 22-year-old Whitechapel man has told friends that he is beginning to doubt the wisdom of marrying his fiance next month after he caught her eating a family size pineapple gateau by pushing her face into the box and devouring the contents in a manner akin to a dog eating its food from a bowl on the floor.

Toby Dell, a mechanic from Leman Street, told The Whitechapel Whelk: “I knew she was fond of the occasional slice of cake like most girls, but when I saw her wolfing it out of the box with her hands clasped behind her back it got me wondering about whether or not I should go through with the wedding.

“I’m pretty certain she didn’t see me watching and just carried on eating until she’d guzzled the lot. The noise she was making was absolutely horrific. It was like listening to someone clearing a blocked sink”

The girl concerned, Tracy Carter from Plaistow, refused to speak to us yesterday but her mother, Mary, 63, told us: Tracy loves her cake and sometimes does get a bit overly enthusiastic.

“I think she gets it from her grandmother who used to ram Bakewell tarts down her neck with a cylinder head valve spring compressor”

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece you’re probably a girly and a gweedy ickle piggy wig wig.

Clivey & Gaz in: ‘Mutt and Jeff’

clive with gaz adams family
The scene is the public bar of The Blind Beggar public house in Whitechapel, East London. Clivey is at a corner table, sipping his pint. He appears to be in pensive mood when his old friend, Gaz, enters and greets him warmly

“Wotcha, Clivey”
“Alright, Gaz, me old mate?”
“Sweet as a nut pal. I was just on me way to get me ears syringed as it goes. What’s happening bruv?”
“Ears syringed bruv? Are you going mutt and jeff in your old age?”
“Never mind bruv. In answer to your question, I’m thinking of buying a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Oh yeah? What’s all that about then?”
“It’s like this Gaz. I was in the garden shed the other day, when…”
“Did the old woman lock you out again son?”
“Yeah, she did as it ‘appens. I forgot the gravy powder”
“That’s a pretty harsh reaction mate. After all, you’re only human”
“That’s what I said, mate. It was then that she threw the skillet at me”
“You must have had a lot on your mind to forget the gravy like that. I mean, it’s not like you’d been drinking is it?”
“Absolutely bruv! I’d only had the 6 pints!”
“That woman’s a tyrant son. She don’t deserve you bruv. Anyway, about this bag of phones you’re going to buy”
“The bag of phones you mentioned. Are you going to sell them?”
“I said, I wanted to buy, a Saxophone, Gaz”
“Yeah, I know. I’m just wondering, what you’re going to do with ’em. Try Whitechapel market. They’re always knocking out moody phones down there bruv.”
“I worry about you sometimes son”
“That’s nice of you mate. Fancy another pint?
“Yeah, sod it. You only live once sheriff. I’ll have a pint of Best.”
“Off for a rest? Fair enough bruv, I’ll have yours then. I’ll catch you later then squire”

Clivey & Gaz will shortly be appearing at Donald Trump’s impeachment ceremony at Shoreditch Working Men’s Club.

Whitechapel Toddler Savaged by Government Watchdog

george the leg-crusher


There were calls for changes to The Dangerous Bureaucrats Act last night, after a 3-year-old girl from Whitechapel was admitted to Great Ormond Street Hospital in London, suffering from wounds inflicted by a government watchdog that had been left free to roam in a local park.

The toddler, who hasn’t been named, suffered a number of sickening injuries, which included being bored almost half to death by endless pontificating and mindless conjecture. The mite was also badly savaged in front of a dim-witted tribunal of bumbling members of The House Of Lords who were so inebriated on Glenfiddich and Wincarnis they didn’t know if they wanted a shit or haircut.

The child’s mother, looking visibly distressed, spoke briefly to reporters last night. “It’s every parent’s worse nightmare to see their baby subjected to an ordeal like this. We were thinking of buying her a small quango for Christmas but there’s just no way now. She’s so traumatised she no longer wants to listen to The Today Programme on Radio 4, and only last night she curled up into a ball and began shaking uncontrollably during the music to Question Time.”

The watchdog’s owner, Mr D. Cameron of Westminster, spoke to reporters last night through a mesh grill in his front door. “I simply cannot believe this has happened to be honest with you!. I’ve had that watchdog since it was a tiny public enquiry into minor civil misdemeanours and it’s always been as gentle as a newborn lamb. I used to let my two kids go into that committee room and they’d jump on the chairman’s back and pull his ears without so much as a mild rebuke, now this has happened.

“Admittedly there have been a couple of times its had a bit of a go at one or two select committees that have been allowed to wander the streets off the lead, but at the end of the day it was only defending its territory. I’m absolutely shocked and appalled to be honest with you. It goes without saying I’ll have it destroyed at the very next cabinet meeting.”

This latest tragedy comes just 6 weeks after a 5-year-old boy from Shoreditch was found drowned in an abandoned government think tank which had been left on a piece of waste ground.

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