eamonn holmes

Fury as NHS spends £20,000 on mask for Olly Murs’s big face

Olly - Copy

There has been widespread criticism of the government’s decision to allow the National Health Service to spend 20,000 pounds on a protective mask for big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs.

The mask, which will be over 100 metres wide to accommodate the star’s enormous head width, is currently being manufactured at a bed sheet factory in Silvertown in East London.

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, having tested positive for covid 19 himself, told newsmen: “While the government realises that it is a large outlay for one individual it has to be recognised that Olly Murs is still a human being and as such he has the right to protection no matter how big his face is.”

Murs himself seemed delighted with the move last night. Speaking to reporters via a Skype link, the Dance With Me star said, “It’s great news that I’ll be getting a mask for my massive face.

“People have had a go about the expense but what they have to understand is that due to the surface area of my big face I’m far more susceptible to germs landing on it and giving me the lurgy”

In other related news, roly-poly breakfast show host, Eamonn Holmes, has also drawn criticism after asking ITV bosses for a huge pair of surgical scrubs to accommodate his massive gut and gargantuan arse.

Elizabeth Warren harpooned me and left me for dead says ITV’s Eamonn Holmes

Thar he blows. Holmes pictured during happier times, enjoying a recent break in Antigua

TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, has told a magazine that former White House hopeful, Elizabeth Warren, hurled a whaling harpoon into his side as he swam in the ocean at Southend in Essex and then rowed away leaving him to bleed to death in the water.

Speaking in this week’s TV Choice magazine, the roly-poly host of ITV’s Good Morning, recalls: “I was taking a dip with my wife, Kate, after recording an interview with Sir Cliff Richard on Southend pier.

“I had dived down a few feet to get my hair wet and had just broken the surface when I felt this enormous jolt in my side.

“I then heard a woman’s voice, yelling, “Thar she blows”, and saw Senator Elizabeth Warren standing in a rowboat, holding a coil of rope that was attached to a spear-like weapon that was embedded in my side.

“I quickly realised that she’d harpooned me and dived deep below the surface in a bid to pay out the line and hopefully break free.

“Fortunately, Kate had seen what happened and managed to sever the rope with her diver’s knife.

“Warren then began furiously rowing away, cursing loudly at the loss of her quarry.

“It has taken me over two weeks to recover and I’ve had to ask Philip Schofield to stand in for me on the show while my wounds healed.

“Like the trouper he is, Phil agreed to help me out, despite the fact that he’d come out as an arse bandit just a couple of days before and wanted a few days off to escape the media glare”

Warren declined to comment last night but a close aide told us that she had hoped to sell Holmes’ blubber to the Japanese to help fund her campaign for the Democratic Party nomination.

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

Eamonn Holmes Compares Shower Room at West Ham Football Ground to Auschwitz.


Moon-faced turd Holmes pictured last night


Sky TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes has been made to apologise after comparing the showers at West Ham United’s East London ground to the gas chambers at Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.

Holmes, 98, is already under fire and has been forced to apologise after comparing the throwing of a few empty bottles at the Manchester United team bus by West Ham supporters on Tuesday night to the Hillsborough disaster, in which 96 Liverpool fans were crushed to death before an FA Cup semi-final in 1989.

In an embittered outburst following Tuesday’s 3-2 Hammers victory, United fan Holmes, said: “If it wasn’t for the fact that hot water and not Zyklon B gas was coming from those showerheads, the whole Manchester United team could have been gassed and their bodies shoved into the industrial oven in the kitchen. It’s disgusting and typical of the treatment Man Utd get across the country…, especially from cockneys”

Holmes’s controversial rant is being compared to a similar incident in 1999, when the Arsenal FC manager, Arsene Wenger, compared a shoulder charge by West Ham hardman defender, Julian “The Terminator” Dicks, on the Arsenal striker, Perry Groves, to the 1692, Massacre At Glencoe.

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