The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


eamonn holmes

I won’t let Trump build new golf course on my big face, vows Olly Murs

Olly - Copy

Big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs, last night rebuffed a move by disgraced former US President, Donald Trump, to build a links-style, eighteen-hole golf course on his gigantic face.

During an exclusive Whelk interview, Murs, 85, told us: “I’ve allowed my big face to be used for a number of projects down the years, from a film set for a movie about the moon landings to a refugee camp for thirty thousand fleeing victims of the war in Syria. However, I draw the line at allowing Trump to build a golf course on my massive dial for him and his odious Republican cronies.

“Can you imagine the horror of having Rudy Giuliani teeing off close to one of my eyes and catching a glimpse of his cock and balls up his trouser leg?

“Even if I did allow the project to go ahead, what are the chances of getting paid?

“The guy’s a notorious crook with a long history of reneging on his debts, and in any case, he’ll be in jail before the end of the year”

It is now believed that a request has been submitted to roly-poly morning TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, to build the course on the cheeks of his gigantic, flabby arse.

Mr Murs requested that his fee for this interview be donated to the Variety Club of Great Britain children’s charity but we’re going to keep it and spend it on drink and pussy – Ed

AMERICA IN CRISIS: 5G Lampposts behind insurgency, says Amanda Holden

amanda the sentinel

In a strongly worded statement last night, Britain’s Got Talent icon and noted conspiracy theorist, Amanda Holden, pointed the blame for the shocking scenes on Capitol Hill yesterday at mind-bending rays being emitted from lamposts in America.

Holden, 87, said: “These people were just ordinary, God-fearing citizens before they were bombarded with mind-altering 5G rays from lamposts in their neighbourhoods.

“There is no doubt in my mind that Tom Hanks was behind it and that Bill Gates paid the electricity bill afterwards.

“It’s the infant’s blood-drinking that causes it. Hanks drinks the blood, leaves some in the bottle for George Clooney, and then gives the order for the rays to be switched on which galvanises the howling mob.

“Some of the rioters had even started to morph into animals because of the rays. I saw one chap that had turned into a half-man/half bison for example.

“It’s all about the rays, you see.”

In other news, fellow sceptic and morning TV host, Eammon Holmes, leapt to the defence of under-fire president, Donald Trump, last night.

“People will be quick to point the finger at Trump’s mental condition but I would suggest that it reflects badly on us as a nation if we condemn a man just for being completely round the fucking bend”

And now, here’s a sneak preview of this year’s Spring collection at the New York Fashion Show

Image may contain: 1 person, standing, text that says "Steal His Look Urban Decay Eyeshadow Paliette $29.00 HMS Supersoft Fantasy Horns $11 95 Pandora Pendant Necklace $60.00 Glacier Wear Coyote Fur Russian Hat $279. 95 PPLE Pyle 20 Watt Megaphone $14.99 Carhartt Duck Dungaree $34. 99 Timberland Touchscreen Gloves $54.99"

Fury as NHS spends £20,000 on mask for Olly Murs’s big face

Olly - Copy

There has been widespread criticism of the government’s decision to allow the National Health Service to spend 20,000 pounds on a protective mask for big-faced pop icon, Olly Murs.

The mask, which will be over 100 metres wide to accommodate the star’s enormous head width, is currently being manufactured at a bed sheet factory in Silvertown in East London.

Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, having tested positive for covid 19 himself, told newsmen: “While the government realises that it is a large outlay for one individual it has to be recognised that Olly Murs is still a human being and as such he has the right to protection no matter how big his face is.”

Murs himself seemed delighted with the move last night. Speaking to reporters via a Skype link, the Dance With Me star said, “It’s great news that I’ll be getting a mask for my massive face.

“People have had a go about the expense but what they have to understand is that due to the surface area of my big face I’m far more susceptible to germs landing on it and giving me the lurgy”

In other related news, roly-poly breakfast show host, Eamonn Holmes, has also drawn criticism after asking ITV bosses for a huge pair of surgical scrubs to accommodate his massive gut and gargantuan arse.

Elizabeth Warren harpooned me and left me for dead says ITV’s Eamonn Holmes

Thar he blows. Holmes pictured during happier times, enjoying a recent break in Antigua

TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes, has told a magazine that former White House hopeful, Elizabeth Warren, hurled a whaling harpoon into his side as he swam in the ocean at Southend in Essex and then rowed away leaving him to bleed to death in the water.

Speaking in this week’s TV Choice magazine, the roly-poly host of ITV’s Good Morning, recalls: “I was taking a dip with my wife, Kate, after recording an interview with Sir Cliff Richard on Southend pier.

“I had dived down a few feet to get my hair wet and had just broken the surface when I felt this enormous jolt in my side.

“I then heard a woman’s voice, yelling, “Thar she blows”, and saw Senator Elizabeth Warren standing in a rowboat, holding a coil of rope that was attached to a spear-like weapon that was embedded in my side.

“I quickly realised that she’d harpooned me and dived deep below the surface in a bid to pay out the line and hopefully break free.

“Fortunately, Kate had seen what happened and managed to sever the rope with her diver’s knife.

“Warren then began furiously rowing away, cursing loudly at the loss of her quarry.

“It has taken me over two weeks to recover and I’ve had to ask Philip Schofield to stand in for me on the show while my wounds healed.

“Like the trouper he is, Phil agreed to help me out, despite the fact that he’d come out as an arse bandit just a couple of days before and wanted a few days off to escape the media glare”

Warren declined to comment last night but a close aide told us that she had hoped to sell Holmes’ blubber to the Japanese to help fund her campaign for the Democratic Party nomination.

Piers Morgan killed in walrus-style battle with Eamonn Holmes

Morgan pictured during happier times sunning himself on Southend beach

Controversial TV presenter and journalist, Piers Morgan, was killed earlier this morning in a bloody fight with fellow morning TV show host, Eamonn Holmes, after the two heavyweights clashed in an ITV carpark in a walrus-style fight to the death.

Holmes and Morgan were seen rearing up and smashing their upper bodies into each other, opening huge bloody wounds with their teeth and tie pins.

Witnesses said that the sickening impacts of their huge bloated bodies could be heard from surrounding offices as hundreds of workers watched the grim life or death struggle.

After a gruelling 5 -hour battle, Morgan eventually wilted and fell lifeless under a barrage of headbutts and body blows from his 400lb rival.

According to onlookers, Holmes then emitted a series of deafening roars and bellowed in triumph over the body of his fallen rival.

The blood-soaked Good Morning host then staggered across to a small group of office girls to claim his harem.

One of these was then heard to remark, ‘You must be joking, you fat turd’ before the group moved away to a nearby cake shop.

Eamonn Holmes Compares Shower Room at West Ham Football Ground to Auschwitz.


Moon-faced turd Holmes pictured last night


Sky TV presenter, Eamonn Holmes has been made to apologise after comparing the showers at West Ham United’s East London ground to the gas chambers at Auschwitz concentration camp in Poland.

Holmes, 98, is already under fire and has been forced to apologise after comparing the throwing of a few empty bottles at the Manchester United team bus by West Ham supporters on Tuesday night to the Hillsborough disaster, in which 96 Liverpool fans were crushed to death before an FA Cup semi-final in 1989.

In an embittered outburst following Tuesday’s 3-2 Hammers victory, United fan Holmes, said: “If it wasn’t for the fact that hot water and not Zyklon B gas was coming from those showerheads, the whole Manchester United team could have been gassed and their bodies shoved into the industrial oven in the kitchen. It’s disgusting and typical of the treatment Man Utd get across the country…, especially from cockneys”

Holmes’s controversial rant is being compared to a similar incident in 1999, when the Arsenal FC manager, Arsene Wenger, compared a shoulder charge by West Ham hardman defender, Julian “The Terminator” Dicks, on the Arsenal striker, Perry Groves, to the 1692, Massacre At Glencoe.

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