The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888


European Union

Britain and EU call truce to play lunchtime football match


Theresa May and her wingman, Stephen “Ginger” Barclay, pictured on their way to Europe for Brexit talks yesterday

The warring factions of Great Britain and the European Union called a brief truce at noon yesterday to share food and drink with each other and to play a game of 13-a-side football on the green outside the European Parliament in Strasbourg.

Members of both negotiating teams, including British prime minister, Theresa May and European Council President, Donald Tusk, approached each other tentatively outside the parliament building following a morning spent at loggerheads over Mrs May’s proposal to make changes to the Irish backstop agreement.

The protagonists then shook hands briefly before sharing their packed lunches and other refreshments.

At one point, the British produced a case of Spitfire Kentish Ale and handed out cans to their opposite numbers, while the Europeans opened bottles of wine and lager to share with their British counterparts.

Then, amid laughter and some good-natured catcalls, an old leather football was produced and a rather shambolic soccer match began, which the Brits won 4-2 after a controversial late effort from Brexit Secretary, Stephen Barclay, struck the crossbar and bounced down just behind the goal line.

It was a hard-fought but good-natured affair for the most part. However, the game ended on a sour note after European Chief Negotiator, Michel Barnier, clattered Mrs May on the halfway line in injury time.

The two then squared up and there was some pushing and shoving, with Barnier calling the British Prime Minister, a “lanky Little Englander”, which May countered by calling the Frenchman, “an intransigent Frog twat.”

Storm as elderly EU residents told to pay to become whining, geriatric, Brit xenophobes

Filthy European Union scum pictured celebrating the arrival of another fat benefits cheque

Theresa May’s government came under fire last night following an announcement in The Commons that European Union citizens over the age of 60 living in this country will have to pay a £70 fee and undergo a written and oral examination in order to become fully accepted as whining geriatric racists like the vast majority of their indigenous British counterparts.

The test will include sections on writing xenophobic letters to newspapers, tutting loudly when there are foreigners in the doctor’s waiting room, complaining in a loud voice about there being, ‘far too many darkies in the country’, in the queue at the post office, and pushing parcels containing dog shit through the letterboxes of anybody not born in England.

A Home Office spokesman said last night: “If these people wish to be accepted as small-minded, mean-spirited Little Englanders like the rest of us, this government feels that they should have to meet certain standards and pay for the privilege while they’re about it”

By way of a concession to EU residents, Mrs May did announce yesterday that the government would be waiving the proposed so-called £60, settlement fee, although foreign nationals will be made to stand at the end of the queue for their bowl of thin gruel at feeding stations in the event of Britain crashing out with no deal.

Britain’s ‘Remainers’ to form new European Union on Olly Murs’s big face.

olly meme
“Have I got news for EU!”

In a surprise move, the 48% of Brits who voted to remain part of the European Union have announced that they will form a new EU on the gigantic face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

A spokesman for the pressure group, Bremoaners Against Brexit, told The Whitechapel Whelk:

“It’s too bad that Theresa May has triggered Article 50 and that we’re quitting the EU, but we’re not going to let it deter us from achieving a united Europe. We have therefore decided to set up a new EU on the massive face of Olly Murs.

“Britain will be situated at the top-left part of his forehead, with Germany in the middle, just to the left of his nose, and Italy and Greece will be on his chin. The other countries will be dotted around on his cheeks and in that bit above his top lip.”

“Once we’ve settled in, we will all trade with one another and have open borders with free movement of people, except for people who voted for Brexit. They’ll have to stay in Britain and get fucked over by the the Conservatives and Jeremy Corbyn”

We spoke to Olly at his home in Essex last night and he seemed delighted at the proposal:

“I voted to remain, so it will be brilliant to have the new EU situated on my enormous dial. The sooner all the foreigners move in and start trading and suchlike, the better in my view.”

This move comes 2 weeks after pop entrepreneur, Simon Cowell, refused to allow the World Free Trade Organisation to move a number of African and South American countries into his enormous trousers.

Brexit Latest: Article 50 set to boost sales of gruel.


A young gruel enthusiast goes back for seconds in the olden days



TheWhitechapel Whelk has learned that Britain’s supermarkets are reportedly stockpiling supplies of gruel in anticipation of a spike in demand for the thin, watery, flour-based product in March, following the triggering of Article 50 which will put Britain on the path to severing ties with The European Union.

Many experts predict the aftermath will set the country on the path to economic ruin and cause hardship for millions of families, triggering a switch to less expensive food options.

Gruel, once a popular staple with the impoverished working classes, has almost disappeared from supermarkets, with people preferring the more satisfying and nourishing porridge oats option.

However, with Britain predicted to career rapidly downhill to fiscal ruin, astute supermarket bosses are stockpiling vast quantities of acorn, rye and chestnut gruel in anticipation of huge demand from families unable to afford little else.

One enterprising supermarket will even be introducing their own brand of the product. Lidle will launch, Article 50 Economy Gruel, in March to coincide with the anticipated triggering of the clause in parliament at the end of that month

In other Brexit-related developments, some local councils are planning to convert public facilities such as libraries and swimming pools into corporation workhouses which will be run by local businessmen and overseen by a council-appointed official, or ‘Beadle.’

Remain Voters To Set Up Alternative European Union On Olly Murs’s Big Face

olly meme
Murs pictured in enthusiastic mood last night


In what is being seen as a bold and innovative move, thousands of disappointed EU referendum voters have announced plans to build a rival European Union on the huge face of pop icon, Olly Murs.

Toby Dell, 57, of the Vote Remain Co-Operative, told The Whelk last night: “We have decided to assuage our disappointment at losing the referendum by forming an alternative EU on Olly Murs’s massive face.

“Poland will be next to his left ear and Britain will be just above his right one. In between will be all the other countries like France and Germany. Italy will be on his nose because it’s roughly the same shape.

“We’re going to store manufactured goods in his ears and up his nose and sell them to each other on the cheap. It can’t fail and I can’t wait to start to be honest”

Olly spoke to us from his home last night and seemed enthusiastic: “I was gutted when we pulled out of the EU, so being given this chance to have a new one constructed on my gigantic dial was a fabulous opportunity and I jumped at it. I suppose I’ll have to learn a few foreign languages now” he joked.

Olly is now appearing at The Orchid Ballroom, Whitechapel, where his face is being used as a temporary car park

The Casebook of PC Ted Stupor: The Drink-Ravaged London Bobby You Can Trust

Evenin’ all.
Policing our great capital can be a pretty arduous, and even grim, business at times; particularly since we left the European Union, which has seemingly brought about a growing number of ugly racist incidents and attacks.
Last week, my partner and I received a shout informing us of an ongoing fracas in Whitechapel Road involving a gang of white youths who were attacking a Polish grocery store with bricks and iron bars
We immediately raced to the scene where I left my partner to deal with the altercation while I went into the shop and drank 6 cans of super strength Polish lager and a dozen or more vodka shots.
By the time my partner was taken to hospital in an ambulance I’d wet myself and been sick down my clothes.
Evenin’ all.

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