Search

The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

Tag

Facebook

Facebook man gradually developing murderous hatred towards ‘thread stalker’

facebook small

A 43-year-old man from Whitechapel has told a local newspaper that he is slowly developing such an intense dislike towards a man on his friends list who makes comments on his every post that he now feels comfortable with the idea of murdering him in cold blood.

Toby Dell, a research chemist, told The East London Gazette: “Every single time I update my status, this bloke makes some sort of inane comment, often in the style of a character from a popular comedy show, such as Harry Enfield and Friends, or Dick Emery.

“Even when the subject matter is a serious political topic, this chump pops up with an inane comedic reference.

“Last week, I posted that my mum had passed away and he showed up as Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show and responded with, ‘Bugger!”

“It was then that I began to realise that I would cheerfully hack this chump’s head from his body with a blunt hatchet

“I mentioned this to my wife and she told me she feels exactly the same way about one of her Facebook friends who keeps harping on about yoga and how it’s changed her whole outlook on life”

In 2015, a 56-year-old man from Sheffield was given a life sentence for shooting and then dismembering a fellow Facebooker, who kept posting pictures of his recent holiday with his wife and kids in Albufeira.

Advertisements

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

Image result for angry god
Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

Facebook crackdown on ‘misleading avatars’

Image result for george clooney and wife
Our sub-editor and sports correspondent pictured in the pub earlier

Social media giant, Facebook, has announced that anyone caught using a profile pic that’s over 10-years-old or one that’s been ‘doctored’ to make the account holder look passably attractive will be publicly shamed and then banned for life

A spokesman for Facebook told a press conference yesterday: “Anybody trying to hoodwink other account holders into believing that they are much younger by displaying an avatar using a picture taken when they were in their late teens or early twenties will have their account permanently removed.

“The same thing applies to people who use filter-enhancing software to mask the fact that have more wrinkles than an elderly shar-pei dog and generally look like shit on a stick”

This move follows hot on the heels of last months crackdown on fake profile pics by social media rivals, Twitter, who sent out death squads to gun down pathetically out-of-shape and ugly men who use pictures of bodybuilders as their avatar in a desperate attempt to get women to notice them.

Your Facebook Timeline and You

Recognise any of these characters, folks.?

We know we do!

facebook

Wuff oo babes! – Ed

Early Facebook-Style Dinner Pic Discovered in Cave

cave
In 1903, archaeologists stumbled upon this early example of a Neanderthal cat video

Archaeologists have discovered what is believed to an early, Facebook-style picture of somebody’s dinner, in a cave in a remote region of France

The crudely drawn painting clearly shows a bowl of dinosaur stew with a bit of bread next to it and is believed to be from the early Cro-Magnon period

This latest discovery comes just a week after a party of geologists discovered a pre-historic Instagram-style picture of somebody’s hideous-looking kid.

Social Media Update

facebook

Wuff oo babes! ((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))) – Ed

Posting political messages on Facebook has no effect or influence on government policy whatsoever claims shock report

shouty bastard

A recent survey conducted by Cambridge University has revealed that people who habitually post messages on Facebook, that make a political point or that illustrate their own worldview, have absolutely no effect on government policy whatsoever.

Professor Tobias Dell, who headed the study, told newsmen: “Our findings are absolutely conclusive. People who routinely ram their political views down the throats of people on their Facebook friends list have zero effect on the ongoing political climate and merely serve to get on people’s tits.

“While it is understood that these individuals believe they are making a difference, in fact, they are not and are merely coming across as irritating dweebs with too much time on their hands.”

This report comes just a week after an Oxford University study revealed that people who post pictures of their dinners or their hideous kids on their timelines deserve to be run over by a spiked steamroller.

There’s a very good chance that nobody reads your ghastly, ill-conceived, will to live-sapping blog posts either – Ed.

Zuckerberg accepts ‘total responsibility’ for Facebook dinner pics

facebook piss take

Facebook supremo, Mark Zuckerberg, yesterday told a US joint Senate committee that he accepts full responsibility for millions of Facebook subscribers being subjected to photographs of other people’s dinners since the social media platform was formed 14 years ago.

Zuckerberg looked visibly upset for the first time since his interrogation by the joint committee began 3 days ago.

His voice wavered and he took repeated sips from a glass of water as he admitted that the responsibility for the dinner pics was his and his alone

“I formed the company and therefore any dinner pics that are posted are my responsibility and mine alone.

“When we first came up with the idea of a global social media platform we had no idea that it would lead to people uploading pictures of their dinners. It just didn’t occur to us that fuckwittery on that scale even existed. I’m so very sorry.”

Asked if he had ever been sent dinner pictures himself, he looked visibly shaken and paused momentarily before admitting that somebody on his friends list once put up a picture of a plate of sausages and mash with the caption: “Now for the thick onion gravy. Yum!”

Zuckerberg will today face Senate inquisitors who will be demanding answers on why the site allows people to upload pictures of their hideous kids and to drone on endlessly about their fucking ailments or their bastard veganism.

Local man dismayed by the standard of the people that Facebook suggests he may know.

 

clive distorted
Fed up. A visibly disappointed Mr Dell pictured last night

 

A 47-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that he has become increasing alarmed by the appalling physical appearance of some of the people that Facebook post to his timeline under the heading of “People You May Know”

Toby Dell, a plasterer’s hod carrier, told us: “You wouldn’t believe the state of some of ’em. The women are probably the worst. I was treated to one the other day who looked as if she’d been repeatedly smashed in the face with a frying pan.

“Would it be too much to ask that they vet some of these people before plastering them all across my page?

“There was a young kid of about 10 on there the other day who was so rank I mistakenly took him for being ex-New York mayor, Rudi Giuliani”

Facebook issued a brief statement last night: “We’re sorry that this gentleman has been treated to some ugly kids and the odd diabolical tugboat, but we can’t pick and chose who we send. It’s all done by computers and suchlike.

“We’ve now sent this gentleman a voucher for 5 pounds and a picture of Marilyn Monroe with no togs on to make up for it”

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑