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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888

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Local man feels trapped by FB friends request from complete twat from his past

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A 54-year-old Whitechapel man has told The Whelk that a Facebook friends request from a man he used to associate with in his late teens and early twenties but who he always considered to be an utter twat has left him feeling cornered and conflicted.

Toby Dell, a meat porter from Berner Street, told us: “I got this friends request from the bloke last week and my heart sank, to be honest.

“The man was a real chump back then and I only knocked about with him because he had a few quid to buy drinks and I was banging his sister.

“I’m now living in fear that he’ll be coming on my statuses and showing me up like shit in front of my mates and family members.

“He’s already added my missus, but she’s told me to accept his request and then tweak my account so that he can’t see any of my posts.

“That sounds a bit too complicated so I’m going to send him a quick message on WhatsApp, telling him that I’m close to death and don’t want him to be upset when he learns on FB that I’ve fallen off the perch in a week or two”

Mr Dell’s story comes just two weeks after a man from neighbouring Poplar sent an irritating would-be Facebook friend a photoshopped image of himself hanging from a noose attached to a light fitting, accompanied by a message from his wife, informing the man that her husband had taken his own life due to being wanted by the police on several murder charges.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece try telling the person concerned that you’re a massive Donald Trump fan. That usually gets rid of most people although not the complete, mentally sub-normal arseoles – Ed

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Biden to spend next 72-hours looking for tips on Facebook

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Newly-inaugurated President of The United States, Joe Biden, is set to spend the first three days of his presidency poring over Facebook posts in a bid to learn how best to govern America, a White House insider told us last night.

The aide revealed: “Even though President Biden has held high office for forty years, including two terms as vice-president, he realises that he needs the wisdom and the considered views of people on Facebook to guide him through what will arguably be the most difficult, challenging, and arduous first term of any president in the history of our country.

“He is also hoping to check out a few dinner pics, along with some alarming images of people’s hideous-looking kids.”

His plans have received a mixed reaction so far, with one local man, Toby Dell, from Thrawl Street, telling us: “Personally, I think President Biden should rely on his huge experience in high office to plan the way forward, but I suppose if he wants to form his strategy based on the opinions of a bunch of industrial-strength arsehats with too much time on their hands on a social media platform that’s up to him.

“At the end of the day, he can’t make a worse job of it than the last mad cunt”

A White House spokesperson last night refused to comment when asked about rumours that Vice-President, Kamala Harris, had spent the night, scrolling down her Twitter feed, looking for advice on how best to deal with pressure from The Federal Reserve.

Editor’s Note: President Biden is a fine man and we are wholly convinced that he will do the best job possible in the face of pretty horrendous odds. The above piece is aimed at the social media idiots who seem to thing that the way forward is to start giving the guy tips before he’s had a chance to open a beer and stick his presidential trotters up on the Oval Office desk. The sun shone for the president yesterday and a bright new day has dawned in the Land Of The Free. Amen.

Facebook man gradually developing murderous hatred towards ‘thread stalker’

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A 43-year-old man from Whitechapel has told a local newspaper that he is slowly developing such an intense dislike towards a man on his friends list who makes comments on his every post that he now feels comfortable with the idea of murdering him in cold blood.

Toby Dell, a research chemist, told The East London Gazette: “Every single time I update my status, this bloke makes some sort of inane comment, often in the style of a character from a popular comedy show, such as Harry Enfield and Friends, or Dick Emery.

“Even when the subject matter is a serious political topic, this chump pops up with an inane comedic reference.

“Last week, I posted that my mum had passed away and he showed up as Unlucky Alf from The Fast Show and responded with, ‘Bugger!”

“It was then that I began to realise that I would cheerfully hack this chump’s head from his body with a blunt hatchet

“I mentioned this to my wife and she told me she feels exactly the same way about one of her Facebook friends who keeps harping on about yoga and how it’s changed her whole outlook on life”

In 2015, a 56-year-old man from Sheffield was given a life sentence for shooting and then dismembering a fellow Facebooker, who kept posting pictures of his recent holiday with his wife and kids in Albufeira.

God blocks Facebook with ‘Great Flood’ of dinner pics

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Oi, Facebookers!…NO! God pictured looking mightily pissed off last night

Social media giant, Facebook, last night confirmed that the global outage which rendered billions unable to access their timelines yesterday was caused by a torrent of pictures of people’s dinners posted by God to punish the platform for all the sinful content that has been allowed to flourish on the site in recent years.

Facebook troubleshooter, Toby Dell, 32, told newsmen last night: “The hand of God is definitely behind this one.

“One of our leading IT bods, who’s a regular churchgoer, told me that The Lord had clogged up the cyber tubes with dinner pics as a punishment for all the dodgy political content and softcore grumble pics of nude birds that have been appearing over the last year or two.

“He likens it to The Great Flood that The Lord visited upon earth in the olden days to wipe out the sinners

“We’ve poured hundreds of tons of drain cleaner into our systems in the hopes of unblocking the site in a day or two but we’re not promising anything”

Rival social media platforms are experiencing greatly increased traffic, however, with Twitter and Reddit reporting record usage, while the struggling Google + site announced that somebody had logged in around tea time yesterday and posted a picture of their nan and grandad getting married in Barnstable just after the war.

EDITOR’S NOTE: On the off-chance that anybody’s foolish enough to want to share this piece, could I ask you to refrain until after 10.00 am GMT? This is because it has been subbed to another magazine who give us cash money and whose editor gets royally pissed off if he doesn’t get exclusivity. Not as pissed off as God, but not far off. Thanks guys.

Facebook crackdown on ‘misleading avatars’

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Our sub-editor and sports correspondent pictured in the pub earlier

Social media giant, Facebook, has announced that anyone caught using a profile pic that’s over 10-years-old or one that’s been ‘doctored’ to make the account holder look passably attractive will be publicly shamed and then banned for life

A spokesman for Facebook told a press conference yesterday: “Anybody trying to hoodwink other account holders into believing that they are much younger by displaying an avatar using a picture taken when they were in their late teens or early twenties will have their account permanently removed.

“The same thing applies to people who use filter-enhancing software to mask the fact that have more wrinkles than an elderly shar-pei dog and generally look like shit on a stick”

This move follows hot on the heels of last months crackdown on fake profile pics by social media rivals, Twitter, who sent out death squads to gun down pathetically out-of-shape and ugly men who use pictures of bodybuilders as their avatar in a desperate attempt to get women to notice them.

Your Facebook Timeline and You

Recognise any of these characters, folks.?

We know we do!

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Wuff oo babes! – Ed

Early Facebook-Style Dinner Pic Discovered in Cave

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In 1903, archaeologists stumbled upon this early example of a Neanderthal cat video

Archaeologists have discovered what is believed to an early, Facebook-style picture of somebody’s dinner, in a cave in a remote region of France

The crudely drawn painting clearly shows a bowl of dinosaur stew with a bit of bread next to it and is believed to be from the early Cro-Magnon period

This latest discovery comes just a week after a party of geologists discovered a pre-historic Instagram-style picture of somebody’s hideous-looking kid.

Social Media Update

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Wuff oo babes! ((((((HUGZZZZZZ)))))) – Ed

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