The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



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Trump in bid to set up ‘New America’ on Olly Murs’ big face

Olly - Copy

It is being widely reported that defeated US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to set up an election-free alternative America on the enormous face of Brit pop idol Olly Murs.

The leaked plan involves building a new White House, complete with golf course, on the northern reaches of Murs’ face, probably on his forehead which is estimated to consist of over thirty thousand square miles of largely undeveloped skin.

The middle part around the cheeks and nose will be predominantly industrial, with a largely blue-collar population, plus a Mexican contingent who will cut their lawns and take care of their children while they’re at work in the factories.

The upper lip and chin area will be turned into a new Deep South, where white people with appalling dental hygiene will have sex with their mums and dads while black people will pick cotton and compose Negro spirituals which the men will sing around the campfire at night while the womenfolk rub raw cane spirit into their whip injuries.

We contacted Murs last night who told us: “You must be joking. I’m not having that mad orange twat and his fascist mates setting up a dictatorship on my big face.

“In any case, Jeremy Corbyn has already moved two thousand of his loyalist supporters onto my forehead with a view to building a new Socialist Utopia where the workers can live free from the yoke of the capitalist hyenas without fear of exploitation by the boss classes or recrimination from the media when they’re having a go at the Jews”

More as we get it.

Local woman held after daughter spots Nazi tablecloth in back room


Teatime with Hitler. Mrs Dell’s Nazi cloth pictured earlier. Source: Metropolitan Police Evidence Room


A 71-year-old Whitechapel woman was in police custody last night after being reported by her daughter who spotted a lace tablecloth with swastikas embroidered on it laid out on an occasional table in a rarely-used back room at her home.

Mary Dell, a retired florist from Vallance Road, has been charged with inciting racial hatred and acting in a manner likely to cause a breach of the peace and will appear at Bow Street magistrates court later on today.

Her daughter, Tracy, 49, told us: “I couldn’t believe it when I spotted that tablecloth. Mum has never expressed extreme right-wing views in the past, and in actual fact, usually votes Labour in general elections, so I was pretty surprised to discover her Nazi sympathies, to be honest.

“When I confronted her, she tried to tell me that she’d been given the cloth by a relative who’d been to Germany on holiday but I didn’t believe her and went to the police.

“I still love my mum, but hopefully, she’ll be given a really stiff sentence and will be left to rot in jail for the rest of her miserable life for this”

Mrs Dell’s arrest comes just 2 days after a 90-year-old woman from neighbouring Spitalfields was caged for 30 years for wearing a cardigan with I ♥ Mussolini crocheted on the back.

Pilchard Spittlejohn: The dangerously right-wing journalist they can’t gag (sadly)


Do you want to know something? There are things going on in this world that you just couldn’t make up, and that convince me that we’re all going to hell in a handcart.

Take the American presidential race for example. There are shenanigans going on there that you couldn’t even begin to make up. No wonder the yanks are all going to hell in a handcart.

Take Donald Trump for example. Here we have a perfectly honourable and decent bloke; the type you’d like to have a pint with down the pub, and he’s being vilified by the leftie gutter press right, left, and centre. And for what exactly? As far as I can see, all the bloke’s done is to pay a couple of fillies a compliment or two and had a friendly feel of their growlers. I mean to say, we’ve all done it, right fellas? It’s just harmless fun and the girlies love it. It gives them a sense of worth in my opinion.

Then there’s the income tax thing. Why on earth would he want to reveal how much he’s paid the revenue? If the people who work for him get a sniff of how much he’s worth they’ll be demanding the minimum wage before you can say “slave labour”

In my view, if a decent bloke like Trump can’t feel up a few tarts and avoid paying a few quid to the tax boys then I’m afraid we’re all going to hell in a bloody handcart.

I wouldn’t mind but his opponent is a hysterical female with a voice like fingernails down a blackboard and a criminal disregard for the correct use of an email account.

In my view, she’s menopausal and would be far better employed staying at home, cooking and getting on with the ironing. Women love that sort of thing. It gives them a sense of self-worth and makes them feel useful.

Luckily, the yanks have come to their senses according to the latest polls and given Trump a decent lead. So let’s hope for a thumping GOP win next week and an early start on building that wall to keep the bloody wetbacks out. We could do with one of those over here if you want my opinion. I mean to say, you just couldn’t make up the amount of darkies and Poles I see every day on my way to work. If they had their way, they’d push us all to hell in a bloody handcart.

Pilchard Spittlejohn is the political correspondent for Popular Needlecraft and Capital Punishment Monthly

Jeremy Corbyn Sacks Entire House of Commons

corbyn voltaire quote

In what some political pundits are calling a surprise move, Labour Party leader, Jeremy Corbyn, has announced that he has sacked the government as well as the opposition and all the remaining MPs in The House of Commons. He has, however, spared The Speaker and The Sergeant At Arms so that he “will have someone to talk to”

Corbyn, who began yesterday by sacking, Shadow Foreign Secretary, Hilary Benn, for alleged disloyalty to his leadership, told The Whelk. “I’m sorry if this upsets a few people, but I can no longer tolerate these blatant attempts to challenge my authority. Therefore, to avoid any further insurrection by closet capitalist sympathisers and lackeys to the boss classes, I have taken the decision to sack everybody.

“From now on, I wish to be known as Colonel Excellentisimo and to be given a big, bullet-proof car so that I can be driven through the streets which will be lined by wildly cheering supporters, ordered to be there on pain of death.

When asked if he will having an audience with The Queen to advise her of his new status, he told us: “That will not be necessary as I sacked her last night for persistent lateness and smoking in the toilets”

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