The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping News and Cutting Satire Since 1888



Oprah Stands By “Troubled” Fergie Following Whitechapel Beheading Spree

Fergie pictured tying the knot with a paedo during happier times

American chat show queen, Oprah Winfrey, last night vowed to stand by her friend, The Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, after the troubled ex-royal was tasered and arrested in Whitechapel following a jihadi-inspired rampage, during which she beheaded seven people with a butchers knife in and around the street market in Whitechapel Road.

Oprah told The Whelk last night: “I’ve known for some time that Sarah had been radicalised and had embraced the twisted doctrine of Daesh, but I was hoping she’d get fed up with it and go back to writing books for kids about helicopters. 

“It came as quite a shock to learn she’d been on a murderous rampage in Whitechapel, but I don’t think this is the time for recriminations. 

“I think the cops should just give her a stern telling-off, after which she could go into a special home for a few weeks; like the one she was sent to when she was on the sauce”

This latest incident involving a minor royal mirrors the 2011 incident when Prince Edward’s ex-wife, Sophie, Countess of Wessex, opened fire on Muslim shoppers with an AK47 in the Shoreditch branch of Boots in a protest at the extradition to The Hague of Serbian warlord Ratko Mladic.

Queen punches out Meghan during heated late-night supper exchange

Battling royal. The Queen pictured in combative mood just hours before she gave Meghan a clumping

A Buckingham Palace insider has told The Whelk that The Queen launched a frenzied, two-fisted attack on the Duchess of Sussex last weekend, during a furious row about Meghan’s recent remarks about becoming a member of the royal family in a BBC documentary.

The source told us that The Queen had been drinking heavily for most of the evening and seemed to be spoiling for a fight.

Her Majesty reportedly launched into a blistering verbal attack on Meghan during supper, calling her, ‘a colonial scumbag’ before raining down a series of blows on the startled Duchess who was knocked backwards in her chair, banging her head on an ornamental fireguard.

The Queen allegedly then tried to follow up by kicking the weeping Meghan in the head, but was dragged back by Princess Ann, who got her mother in a bear hug telling her to, “just leave it, she’s not worth it”

If true, this will be the second time that Her Majesty has allowed her fists to do the talking.

In 1986, she knocked out, Prince Andrew’s new bride, Sarah Ferguson, in a drunken exchange between the pair at the wedding reception, during which, she called the Duchess of York, a “fat slag” and, “an old ginger spunker”

Kate already back in training for next fight


Ready to deliver. Kate arriving at the gym yesterday afternoon


The Duchess of Cambridge returned to the boxing gym yesterday to get in shape for her next fight, just 24 hours after giving birth to her 3rd baby in a London hospital.

Kate, 36, arrived at the iconic, Thomas A Beckett gym in Old Kent Road yesterday afternoon and spent 3 hours on the speedball, the heavy bag and the pads before sparring 6 rounds with a local ABA middleweight champion.

Gym owner, Toby “The Bethnal Green Bomber” Dell, 56, told us: “Kate seemed in good shape, all things considered. Some of the snap had gone out of her punches and her timing was slightly off, but with a few more rounds of sparring under her belt, she’ll be back to full sharpness.

“The kid was raring to go and even asked me to toughen up her abs and obliques with some medicine ball floorwork, but I told her it was probably a bit too soon after having a new sprog”

Kate, who has a perfect record of 15 and 0 – all by way of knockout –  is hoping for a British Super-Middleweight title shot against the undefeated Scot, Tracy “The Glasgae Iron” McDell, later this year.

In other related news, former 3-times WBC Super-Heavyweight Champ, Sarah “Lights Out” Ferguson, announced her retirement from the ring yesterday after the Duchess retired on her stool in the 10th round in a bloody and bruising encounter last Saturday night at Caesar’s Palace against former WBO champion, “Killer Camilla” Parker-Bowles.

Storm as BBC insider reveals that The Blue Planet was filmed down Fergie’s massive toilet


Picture stolen from a magazine that ran this story for us yesterday and whose editor-in-chief will be too busy/drunk to care.


The BBC came under fire last night as a production assistant on the highly-acclaimed series, The Blue Planet, presented by Sir David Attenborough, revealed that a number of scenes were filmed under the water in the Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson’s giant toilet.

The huge WC, believed to be the largest in the world, was specially constructed to accommodate her massive arse when she lived in Buckingham Palace with Prince Andrew in the 1990s.

The insider told newsmen: “We started running out of money halfway through the series and decided to save a few quid by filming some of the deep water scenes down Fergie’s gigantic toilet.

“We dropped a few tropical fish into the bowl and then went down ourselves in a 3-man sub to do the filming.

“Things were fine until Fergie came in for a morning shit one day and we had to manoeuvre the sub to dodge a few of her big logs after splashdown.

“At one point she let fly with a massive fart that made the water pretty turbulent, and things were touch and go as she followed up with a few minor squeakers, but we managed to escape safe and sound.

“I told Sir David what we’d done but he just said “Fuck it lads, nobody will know any different and we can use Fergie’s submerged chods as examples of weird and wonderful, marine rock formations”

Sir David was unavailable for comment last night but his housekeeper told The Whitechapel Whelk that he’ll be giving a statement when he comes back from filming a jungle documentary inside roly-poly BBC London broadcaster, Vanessa Feltz’s giant pants.

17 stone Fergie tried to sell Kate’s morning sick on eBay, claims Palace insider.


Duchess of Pork. Fergie pictured guzzling a pie she probably bought by selling Kate’s sick


A source close to the royal household has told The Whelk that, Duchess of York, Sarah Ferguson, may have bottled The Duchess of Cambridge’s morning sickness vomit before selling it on eBay to fans of The Royal Family

The source told us that Fergie needed the money to buy the pies and sweets she needs to maintain her 17 stone frame that has ballooned alarmingly since her divorce from Prince Andrew.

“She came to visit Kate a couple of weeks ago” the insider revealed. “She said it was so that she could keep her company while William attended to royal duties, but I’m convinced it was so she could bottle and sell her sick.

“I used to see her watching Kate go into one of the palace bogs. She would then listen at the door to check if she was throwing up or just having a piss or a dump.

“Then, as soon as she heard Kate yakking, she’d go in there under the pretext of holding her hair out of the way, before filling a bottle with sick while Kate was cleaning her teeth at the sink.

“I know she was selling it on eBay because one of the cleaners found small bottles of it under Fergie’s bed. It was all carefully labelled and date-stamped ready to be sold to the highest bidder.

“I knew The Duchess was strapped for cash and was spending hundreds of pounds a week on mince and onion pies, but surely she could have raised the money in a more seemly way, like when she told the papers she liked having toe-jobs or something”

This latest revelation will further rock The Royal Family who are still reeling from the news that The Queen tried to have Prince Edward beheaded for asking an officer in The Household Cavalry if he was “a sponge or a stone” after a boozy lunch at The Palace last Thursday.

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