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The Whitechapel Whelk

Ripping the piss since 1888

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food and drink

Local man dismayed at another failure to clear cafetiere plunger debris

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A cafetiere plunger pictured trying to look all innocent last night

A 42-year-old man was left dismayed yesterday as repeated attempts to clear coffee grounds particles from the mesh on his cafetiere plunger ended in failure.

Toby Dell, a forklift truck engineer from Vallance Road, had rinsed the plunger under the tap to get the worst off before immersing the plunger in a washing up bowl of clean water and banging it hard against the sides to dislodge any stubborn remnants

Despite this, when he placed the plunger on the sink’s draining board he noticed tiny particles of coffee grounds still clinging to the mesh.

At the time of going to press, Mr Dell had smashed the plunger repeatedly with a hammer and was seen striding towards the corner shop for a jar of Kenco Gold Instant

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Survey: British women consume three times their own bodyweight during an all-inclusive holiday.

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A recent study by Cambridge University has revealed, that during the course of a 14-night, all-inclusive holiday break, the average British woman will eat up to 3 times her own bodyweight in the hotel dining area.

The 5-year study, conducted in a number of Spanish holiday resorts, found that over 90 per cent of women have two, and sometimes three, main course meals, and up to 5 desserts during the course of the evening, as well as consuming more calories during breakfast and lunch than an Olympic weightlifter in the super-heavyweight class.

Professor, Toby Dell, MRCP, who led the study, told a nutritionist’s conference in Westminster: “It’s not fully understood why women, in particular, behave in this way.

“One theory is that they are replenishing lost body mass, shed during the ubiquitous, pre-holiday dieting.

“Another supposition puts forward the premise that women, particularly those whose holiday has been paid for by a partner, are making sure that he or she gets full value for money.

“While others, and I include myself in this category, lean towards the theory that they are just greedy fuckers”

These findings come just a month after a study by Swansea University found that holidaying overweight men with bitch tits and hairy backs who criticise women’s bodies on the beach, invariably have small penises, suffer from erectile dysfunction, and are bullied in the workplace.

Halloumi shortage sparks masturbation frenzy in Whitechapel

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Grilled halloumi trying to look all innocent

People living in the East London borough of Whitechapel have taken to the streets in large numbers where they have been masturbating furiously in protest at the recent shortage of halloumi cheese.

Since the Cypriot producers of the delicious ewe’s cheese announced that they are unable to meet the demand for the product across London, many locals have taken to pleasuring themselves in public to express their disquiet at the shortage of their culinary favourite.

We spoke to one resident, Toby Dell, 35, who we spotted masturbating in a shop doorway: “This halloumi shortage has hit people in this area very hard.

“In my view, masturbating in public seems like a damn good way to draw people’s attention to the problem, particularly if they get bits of spadge on their shoes as a result.”

This latest protest comes almost a year to the day after government curbs on the import of hummus from Lebanon caused an outbreak of extreme bondage in neighbouring Spitalfields.

Zuckerberg accepts ‘total responsibility’ for Facebook dinner pics

facebook piss take

Facebook supremo, Mark Zuckerberg, yesterday told a US joint Senate committee that he accepts full responsibility for millions of Facebook subscribers being subjected to photographs of other people’s dinners since the social media platform was formed 14 years ago.

Zuckerberg looked visibly upset for the first time since his interrogation by the joint committee began 3 days ago.

His voice wavered and he took repeated sips from a glass of water as he admitted that the responsibility for the dinner pics was his and his alone

“I formed the company and therefore any dinner pics that are posted are my responsibility and mine alone.

“When we first came up with the idea of a global social media platform we had no idea that it would lead to people uploading pictures of their dinners. It just didn’t occur to us that fuckwittery on that scale even existed. I’m so very sorry.”

Asked if he had ever been sent dinner pictures himself, he looked visibly shaken and paused momentarily before admitting that somebody on his friends list once put up a picture of a plate of sausages and mash with the caption: “Now for the thick onion gravy. Yum!”

Zuckerberg will today face Senate inquisitors who will be demanding answers on why the site allows people to upload pictures of their hideous kids and to drone on endlessly about their fucking ailments or their bastard veganism.

Dalai Lama: My Kinky Sex Romps With Diana.

Got your attention? Jolly good. And now…THIS!

tablet putin

In case Ritz crackers are not sold outside of the United Kingdom, they are a small, round, savoury biscu…oh never mind. Nobody ever reads our rubbish anyway. We’ll never get self-published at this rate. 😦

Vegan family build meat-free snow twat

 

vegan twat

A family of committed vegans from Bermondsey in South London have taken advantage of the recent snowy conditions to build a life-size snow twat in their front garden.

The Stimpson family made sure there were no traces of meat or harmful chemical additives in the snow they used to construct their twat by putting each handful through a sieve made from dried organic mushroom strands before patting it into place on the snow twat’s body.

Mr Barnaby Stimpson, 45, the self-styled ‘family elder’ told The Whelk: “We have used only the finest and ethically sound products to construct and decorate our twat.

“The carrot for his nose was organically grown on our allotment and the currants we used for his eyes are free-trade fruits, picked in the West Indies by local youngsters who receive free medical treatment and guidance on cruelty-free poultry farming in return for their wares.

“We’re all immensely proud of our work and are looking forward to plastering pictures of our twat all over Facebook later today”

On Tuesday, the Dell Family from Whitechapel in East London received a mixed reaction from neighbours after building a Donald Trump-inspired, life-sized, ‘snow cunt’, complete with orange wig and half-witted expression

A banana a day could extend your lifespan by up to 10 minutes claims Dick Van Dyke

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Veteran actor and soft-shoe shuffle specialist, Dick Van Dyke, has told journalists that eating just one banana a day could increase the lifespan of the average person by an astonishing 10 minutes.

Van Dyke, 132, told a press conference in Limehouse in East London: “I’ve done loads of experiments in my garage on this one using rabbits and a couple of Sumatran gibbons, and the results were absolutely conclusive.

“After giving them a banana a day for 2 weeks, all the rabbits lived up to 10 minutes longer and I fully expect the gibbons to do the same”

The Mary Poppins star has already achieved worldwide medical acclaim by discovering that drinking 8 litres of liquid paraffin a day followed by a lit match is a fast-acting remedy that provides welcome relief for people with impacted stools.

Disclaimer: No rabbits or gibbons were harmed during the writing of this report. A Tibetan llama was given a bit of a larruping mind. – Ed

Local woman attempts suicide after fish finger horror

 

fish fingers
Crumbs! Fish fingers similar to the ones that made Ms Dell throw herself in the drink pictured last night

 

A 22-year-old Whitechapel woman was recovering in hospital last night after being rescued from St Katherines Dock by passersby who spotted her throwing herself into the water with an anvil chained to her ankle.

Tracy Dell, a manicurist from Plaistow Avenue, is believed to have tried to take her own life after going out on a first date with a man she had met on Tinder, with fish finger crumbs and a bit of tomato sauce from an earlier snack, stuck to the corner of her mouth.

Her sister, Mary, 19, told The Whelk: “When she came back from the date she was really subdued and kept bursting into tears.

“I asked her what was wrong and she told me that her new fella had been reluctant to kiss her goodnight, and that when she’d checked in the mirror, she saw bits of fish finger and red sauce stuck to the corner of her mouth.

“It must have been the shame of it that made her throw herself in the dock. To be honest, I’d have done the same. Any woman would have.

“Hopefully, the oxygen starvation when she was drowning will have damaged her brain and she won’t have to keep reliving the horrible memory over and over for the rest of her life”

This incident is reminiscent of a similar occasion in May of last year when a 20-year-old Shoreditch woman threw herself under a speeding train at London Bridge station after a man she had met online pointed out that she had a dried bogie hanging from her nose while they were having a McDonalds in Cripplegate.

whelk child obesity

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