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The Whitechapel Whelk

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Ask Tinfoil Twat: The Wild-Eyed Conspiracy Whackjob You Can Trust

tinfoil twat

Dear Tinfoil Twat

My wife and I have been offered our first covid jab, and while we’re mindful of the benefits for ourselves and others, we’re still slightly concerned by some of these vaccine scare stories we’ve been seeing on Facebook.

Any advice or reassurance you can give will be most welcome,

Thank you and stay safe

Tracy Dell
12 Thrawl Street
Spitalfields E1


Dear Tracy

You have every right to be concerned by what the Israeli-controlled Illuminati are trying to do to your body and mind.

Tom Hanks, Jeff Bezos and Phil Mitchell out of Eastenders are hellbent on taking control of your mind via this pork-enriched vaccine and I’d give it a complete miss if I were you.

Only yesterday, a woman on my Facebook friends list complained of sores on the soles of her feet following a long hike in the country.

She was putting it down to ill-fitting boots, but it was immediately obvious to me that Bill Gates was using the vaccine microchip to inflict pain on the woman prior to making her his hapless mind and body slave.

Thankfully, President Donald Trump is using all his presidential power to combat Gates’ fiendish plans and to free the two million kids that the billionaire paedo has entombed in disused sewer pipes beneath London.

Only yesterday, a bloke on Facebook wrote on his status that covid-19 is a hoax and all the dead people are just tailor’s dummies that have been made in a special factory in George Clooney’s basement before being put in hospital beds by his Jewish banker friends. I mean, if that’s not proof positive that the whole thing is a charade I don’t know what is.

So don’t touch this mind-altering vaccine with a bargepole Tracy.

If you get sick with a dry cough or begin to struggle to breathe, take some Vitamin D and swallow a few homoeopathic acorn pills, or, even better, log onto Facebook and see what the latest advice is from Amanda Holden or David Icke, who, respectively revealed to the world that covid rays come out of lampposts and that The Queen is a shape-shifting lizard.

Stay safe and STAY WOKE!

T. Twat
Rubber Room 9
Rampton Hospital For The Criminally Insane
Luton

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you’re a vaccine sceptic, leave your name and address in the comments section and we’ll send someone round to batter you from arseole to Saturday until you see the error of your ways

Local anti-vax couple vow to ‘thoroughly enjoy’ staycation

anti vax holiday
Ted and Marjory pose happily on a rocky outcrop at their proposed holiday destination

A middle-aged couple who have refused the covid-19 jab due to the strongly-held belief that Bill Gates would immediately switch them off so that Tom Hanks could drink their blood, have told The Whelk that they will thoroughly enjoy being restricted to holidaying in their back garden when the foreign travel restrictions are lifted later this month.

Ted and Marjory Icke, both unemployed, told us: “We normally have a couple of weeks in Benidorm, but, due to the proposed vaccine passport requirement, we’ve decided to holiday in the back garden this year.

“We’re thoroughly looking forward to it and it will give us a chance to clear out the shed.

“At the end of the day, it’s a lot better than being taken over by Bill Gates before being sucked dry by Tom Hanks so that he can stay young-looking”

It is estimated that several thousand staunch anti-vaxxers will have a damoscene change of heart this year when they realise that not having the covid jab will deprive them of the opportunity of shaming the nation by urinating and vomiting in the streets of a Spanish hellhole on the Costa Brava.

Ask No-Vax Vic. He’s a Weapons-Grade Dick

no vax vic

Dear Vic

I’m in a bit of a quandary so I’m hoping you can help.

All these leading scientists, virologists, immunologists and physicians are advising people to get vaccinated against covid-19 to prevent the current appalling death toll from increasing exponentially until we are faced with well in excess of one hundred million dead across the globe.

However, some people on my Aunty Doris’s Facebook page are insisting that if I get the jab I will be taken over by Bill Gates and George Soros who will switch me on and off whenever the fancy takes them.

Some people on Instagram are also convinced that the vaccine contains pork luncheon meat and Cumberland sausages which will obviously kill people who follow Islam as well as Jewish folk.

Please help me if you can Vic as it’s so difficult to know whether to believe the learned people with impeccable qualifications whose job it is to fight disease or a bunch of beetle-browed headbangers on social media.

Toby Dell

Whitechapel

London E1

**********

Dear Toby

Under no circumstances have the jab and become another one of the sheeple.

A bloke I was speaking to on Facebook the other day told me that half an hour after having his first AstraZeneca shot, he grew a second head and his penis dropped off, and this bloke was a lorry driver so he obviously wasn’t making it up.

I was also on Twitter with an unemployed woman the other day who told me that Tom Hanks was waiting for her outside the vaccination centre and that he started drinking the blood from her vaccine wound as she was getting into her car.

The whole of social media is awash with similar, wholly plausible horror stories from reliable and sane individuals who routinely spend the entire day and half the night doing their online research and making their own minds up while wearing their mum’s dressing gowns.

Talking of mums, my mum had the Phizer shot the other day and is already showing worrying signs of personality change.

Only last night, she demanded I give her back her dressing gown before calling me a ‘fucking bone-idle nutjob’

Proof positive of the dangers of vaccine if any were needed I think you’ll agree Toby.

So take my advice my friend and steer well clear of vaccines. The Illuminati that run the world from a shed in Israel are behind this and they won’t rest until all our cocks have dropped off so that we can’t increase the world’s population.

Having said that, if you do contract a killer virus of some description, simply try eating some raw plants or pushing some healing crystals up your bottom.

Stay well and stay woke!

Vic Twunt

Rubber Room 12

Bermondsey Hospital For The Feeble-Minded

London SE1

Editor’s Note: We don’t argue with anti-vaxxers just as we don’t bother with the Q Anon clowns. At the end of the day, it’s futile. You can’t reason people out of a position they weren’t reasoned into in the first place. Ridicule and derision is the way forward with these jokers, trust me.

The WordPress, Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug of Hope

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Are you sick of being beaten to the punch by other bloggers when it comes to liking or commentating on a recent post by one of your favourite members of the WordPress family? Do you find yourself logging into WordPress on your PC, laptop or device, only to find that one of your most loyal and valued followers has made a post and that you are about 75th in the list of likers?

Well, those days could be over for good with the help of this clever little device. The WordPress Blog-O-Mate Butt Plug Of Hope simply slips into the anal cavity and will deliver a brief but powerful electrical jolt every time a pre-selected blogger of your choice clicks their “Publish” button.

Endorsed by WordPress themselves, the Blog-O-Mate will ensure that you never have to endure the heartache of seeing rows of small avatars lined up beneath that special post that you wanted so much to be the first to endorse.

It can be used any time, any place. Whether you’re at home relaxing, working at the office, or even in the shower. The Blog-O-Mate will make sure you never have to play second fiddle to your rival bloggers again.

Warning: Always remember to remove the Butt Plug Of Hope before going to the toilet, particularly if you are going to evacuate your bowel. Failure to do so may result in extreme abdominal pain, bloating, haemorrhoids, a throbbing vein in the temple, and in extreme cases, death, for which the manufacturers cannot be held responsible.

Testimonials:

“I’m a fawning sycophant and as silly as a sackload of shit. I honestly believe that by liking and commenting on other people’s blogs my own tawdry output will in some way be enhanced” – Miguel Sideboard. Torremolinos

“I agree with Mr Sideboard! Since this wonderful little device started electrocuting my arseole at regular intervals I’ve never felt more popular or more loved by members of the WordPress family” – Sammy Menopause. Rotherham.

“I was having sex with my girlfriend when my Blog-O-Mate alerted me that somebody I don’t know from Adam had made a post. My girl found the experience so pleasurable she now makes a WordPress post whenever we indulge in rumpy pumpy. Thanks Blog-O-Mate!” – Billy Kunt. Kent.

For express delivery of The Blog-O-Mate send cash or a banker’s draft for £22,985.70p + £800.00 p&p to:

Danny Soz
Name and address withheld
Soz Satire Magazine
Whitechapel E1

EU ban AstraZeneca jab after German man treads on Lego brick in his bare feet

lego-spare-parts-brick-2x4-red (1)

Countries across the European Union have brought the desperately-needed rollout of the AstraZeneca vaccine to an immediate halt following an incident in Cologne in which a man in his thirties trod on a piece of Lego in his bare feet as he made his way to the toilet in the dark just weeks after receiving the jab.

A spokesperson for the twenty-eight country trading bloc said last night: “Until we can rule out a link between the vaccine and this gentleman’s foot injury due to treading on a plastic brick we are halting any further rollout of the vaccine at this time.

“We may be dying like flies over here but we have to put people’s safety first”

The World Health Organisation responded last night: “Incidents of Lego injuries are actually lower than normal for this period so we can categorically rule out any link between the AstraZeneca vaccine and this German bloke’s foot trauma”

This is the second major halt of the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine in the last month.

On March 20th, both France and The Netherlands banned the jab for the over ninety age group after a ninety-seven-year-old woman mysteriously died after falling headlong down the stairs with a bottle of Absinthe in her hand at her home in Lens just a month after her second shot of the British vaccine.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

stalin

Dear Sir

I wish to express my disquiet at the recent High Court decision to find the actor, Johnny Depp, guilty of assaulting his wife.
I have just watched the film, Edward Scissorhands, in which Depp plays the lead, and it’s fairly obvious, that if the bloke HAD given his missus the odd backhander, he’d have chopped her head off.

Ben Cartwright
Ponderosa Trading Estate
White City

***********

Dear Sir

I have managed to alleviate the symptoms of claustrophobia by going into small spaces, such as lifts and cupboards, looking through the wrong end of a pair of binoculars

Gus Toad
Braintree
Tasmania

************

Dear Sir

I have discovered, that if you staple together a number of those ads for sex phone lines that you find towards the back of men’s magazines you can make a handy little softcore grumble mag for a pet hamster or tortoise.

Melania Trump

Mexico

*********

Dear Sir

In his smash hit single, Dancin’ In The Dark, Bruce Springstein makes the claim that you can’t start a fire without a spark.
So how come the Germans managed to burn down my nan and grandad’s house during the war by dropping a bomb on it, killing them both instantly?
Come on Bruce, Do your research.

Archbishop of Canterbury
12 Shit Street
Bermondsey

*********

Dear Sir

They say that music soothes the savage beast, and yet my wife was yesterday torn to pieces and devoured by a lion while we were on safari in Africa, despite the fact that I was playing, Take Me Home Country Roads, on the mouth organ at the time

Ted Fuck
Grimsby

**********

Dear Sir

I’ve managed to convince my neighbours I’m a lorry driver by purchasing a 5-tonne low-loader which I use to pick up and murder hitchhikers

Theresa May
Dar Es Salaam

************

Dear Sir

I’ve never understood the concept of Strictly Come Dancing
Instead of going to the time and expense of training celebrities to waltz and cha cha cha over the course of a number of weeks, why not just employ some pro dancers and we can watch them instead.
The money saved could be used to build new hospitals or something.

Boris Johnson
Unicorn Avenue
Titsfield

Donald Trump used anti-5G lamppost to save my children from paedo terror, says local woman

trump pie chart

A 35-year-old Whitechapel woman has told The Whelk that the reason her three youngsters haven’t been abducted by a paedophile gang is down to a recently installed lamppost in her street which she claims was commissioned by US President Donald Trump, primarily to ward off death-dealing 5G covid-19 rays being emitted from the other lampposts and also her microwave oven.

Tracy Dell, a housewife and mother of three told us: “I live in fear of my kids being abducted by paedos, but thanks to President Trump’s anti-5G lamppost, they have all remained safe.

“It was only installed a few months back but I knew immediately it was a Trump lamppost because it had a bit of orange paint on it that set it apart from the others, in the same way that Donald’s skin makes it easier to distinguish him from his wife and Mike Pence who are much whiter.

“Since that lampost went up not one of my kids has been kidnapped by nonces, nor have any of them contracted 5G-generated covid, although my hubby died from it last week.

“I can’t thank the president enough and have written to him at The White House and have also sent letters to Amanda Holden and Eamon Holmes off the telly, as I know they’re just as scared of 5G covid rays as I am”

Mrs Dell’s assertion comes just five days after a man from neighbouring Stepney complained that Bill Gates was syphoning blood from his 4-year-old cat and giving it to Tom Hanks so that the star could drink it in a bid to stay young-looking.

If you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this piece it might be an idea to give your head a bit of a wobble, or failing that, to throw yourself in the Thames with an anvil chained around your neck – Ed.

Local anti-masker still waiting to be carried shoulder-high from shop

A 27-year-old Whitechapel woman who describes herself as, ‘a libertarian, anti-mask warrior’, has told The Whitechapel Whelk that she still hasn’t experienced the thrill of being borne shoulder-high from her local supermarket for bravely standing up-to, what she calls, the quasi-despotism of the government, by refusing to wear a face-covering inside the store.

Mary Alleyn, a divorced mother of two, told us: “Whenever I’ve read all the various accounts from fellow anti-maskers on social media; their defiant refusal to become just another witless sheep under government control by refusing to wear a mask in public places has nearly always led to them being carried shoulder-high by cheering fellow-shoppers, who in turn tear off their filthy muzzles and throw them into the air in jubilation at their liberation from the yoke of central government and their Big Pharma lackeys.

“I’m sure it will happen eventually but so far all I’ve had are loads of dirty looks and foul-mouthed abuse for supposedly being a mad, selfish bitch.

“I even had one woman trip me up in the fruit and veg aisle, sending me flying.

“She then rammed her trolley into me and began pelting me with beetroots.

“But my day in the sun will come. I’m absolutely convinced of it”

In other related news, an anti-mask protester in neighbouring Aldgate was punched to the ground outside a branch of Lidl by a fellow shopper

He was then stripped to his underpants by his attacker who attached a tow hook to his victim’s waistband and dragged him up Commercial Street to The Ten Bells in Spitalfields where the driver got out and went in for a drink.

The assailant, Toby Dell, 54, a local steel-fixer, appears in court next Monday accused of driving without a current MOT certificate.

So, don’t be a sackload of shiney shite and wear a mask ffs! – Ed

Amanda Holden addresses the nation

amanda the sentinel

In a welcome move aimed at bolstering morale and raising flagging spirits during the current emergency, TV personality and conspiracy enthusiast, Amanda Holden, last night gave a live TV address to the nation, during which she urged members of the public to avoid standing under, death-dealing lampposts which emit the covid-19 virus and to avoid handling the new twenty pound notes which feature a small lighthouse hologram that she assures us also bombards handlers with deadly 5G coronavirus rays.

Speaking from a tinfoil-lined shed at an undisclosed location, the 89-year-old, Britain’s Got Talent stalwart, said: “This is a time of great trial for our nation, a time when we all have to forgo some creature comforts, such as eating and having our weekly botox shots.

“However, there are some out there for whom the lockdown is proving to be a great boon and a highly-profitable period of plenty .

“I am, of course, talking about the Jewish bankers, the Illuminati and the Grey Aliens, who are making bundles of cash while the rest of us make great sacrifices

“I can only urge you all to avoid any of the new 5G lampposts and the virus-impregnated twenty-pound notes until this is all blown over and we get back to normality”

After her address, Holden, who was forced to withdraw a 5G conspiracy-related tweet yesterday, failed to respond to media questions on why a serving soldier in the Falkland Islands has become a victim despite there being no new-style lamposts for 12000 miles and why people in India are dropping like flies despite not knowing a twenty-pound note from a knee in the groin.

If, like Amanda, you believe that 5G will give us all halitosis and vaginal dryness (mine’s particularly shocking today), give your head a little wobble and throw yourself off the nearest bridge – Ed

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